Anti-Dating

When is a date not a date?

That is the million-dollar question!

Clearly the answer is when you get English and SSD together.

Further to the tension caused by my cancelling on him earlier this week, the benefit of English’s weird wacky attempt at dramatising the situation (I am not hesitant to stress that he did have good reason to throw a hissy-fit), was that, his hissy-fit illustrated to me just how much I have truly come to care for this guy.

And well the hissy-fit also gave me the much needed kick on the tush required to ensure that (as Monty so eloquently put it) I nurture our fledgling relationship appropriately.

Thus comes date 3.

But truth is I no longer feel like the terms ‘date’ or ‘dating’ apply to English and I anymore.

Dashing ‘Mr I’m SOOOO in LOVE with SSD’ presented me with a set of keys to his err I mean 'OUR' flat (his words not mine).. and we discussed being exclusive.

So there you have it ladies and gents the notoriously flirty SSD has been nabbed by a cute English lad who goes by the name English. Hands up who thinks he is up to the task of handling a wily Chipmunk like me? Personally I don’t think he has realised what the hell he has got himself into. Poor lad ;o)

PS – My boyfriend whispered ‘I love you’ in my ear when we were huddled under his duvet. Oh yeah.. before I forget... I spent the night at his AGAIN.

Momentum Continued

I've found that things said in the heat of the moment have an annoying habit of wrecking things.

I suppose that is one of life's lessons.

Another lesson I've learnt is that English is adorable.. and yes siree I adore him for it. Some of the emails I recieved today made me wanna digitally transfer myself into an electric pulse and bear hug him on the other end. Alas I couldn't despite trying.

[SSD stares into space dreamily]

Momentum

Lately things have been a blur.

When I stop and try to wonder where time has gone.. my mind draws a blank.. its almost like the months between January and April disappeared within a blink of an eye.

Things with English are going well.. sometimes I feel I need to slow things down with him coz the momentum I feel with him is so intense I no longer feel in control and for the first time in ages my emotions and heart are leading the way. I should be worried but the strangest thing is I’m not in the slightest. I feel no reservations in telling him I miss him and I’m glad that he doesn’t hide that he is missing me either. The last week or so he has done a pretty amazing job in reminding me that I’m not as stone-hearted as I’d come to think. I think I'm falling for him.

But – and yes there is always a but - I’m afraid that he doesn’t get me and that makes me wanna hold back.. the constant need for me to please everyone that drags me down especially when I know I’m not able to do this is the main thing that plays on my mind. He wants me to spend time and stay over at his.. I want to do this too.. but my family commitments & my aunt's health are big consideration and it makes me unable to follow my heart all the time. Take tonight for example. My aunt dropped the bombshell on me that tomorrow my cousin is going to drop his 2 girls off at my place and that she has taken the day off work to babysit them and whilst it was planned a week in advance I only just found out. She knows as I do.. that she can't handle two young girls for the whole day and yet she takes on the responsibility of this and expects me to help out. This is my family.. how can I say no? But I had made plans with English & since I didn’t spend any of the long weekend with him (I didn’t want to piss the family off be being out over the Bank Holiday) I was really looking forward to this evening out with English but with the whole staying over a huge issue for my aunt I thought I’d give her some time to adjust before pressing that issue again. So it was doubly hard for me.. first was having to tell him that I wouldn’t spend the night at his and second upon the bombshell being delivered that I would have to cancel the evening (my aunt expressly stated I should get home as early as possible.. she even suggested I take the afternoon off).

This obviously - the short notice & the fact that I had to cancel my plans caused friction between my aunt and I and we ended up screaming at each other.. me telling her that she doesn’t take into consideration anyone else but herself and her telling me I don't care about my family. I was really quite upset afterwards and I knew it would be worsened coz I knew English would be upset when I told him I had to cancel.. but I was really hurt by his reaction and I’m not gonna lie it brought tears to my eye. I just.. I don’t know why.. I know I shouldn’t have.. but I just expected more from him than that.

Right now I’m just so angry at myself for everything. Everything. I feel like I’m never cut a break.

Anyways I’m gonna try being positive.

I’ve finally settled into my new job in virtually every respect. There was a time when I felt a little out of my depth, but this didn’t mean I wasn’t enjoying it, quite the opposite really.. I’ve been thoroughly enjoying the challenge and loving the fact that virtually everyday I learn something new.

One of my girlfriends blasted me just the other day claiming I have been a crap friend lately.. which I’m gonna say has been a pretty good approximation. With recent priority being focused on ACCA exams & job hunting.. I had put a hold on many of the things I enjoyed watching and as a result I was lagging behind on all my favourite TV shows. So in recent weeks I’ve been trying to catch up on Smallville S7, Stargate SG1 S10, Stargate Atlantis S3, Heroes S2, & 24 S6. Recently the focus has been on Heroes.. I watched Season 1 again and watched Season 2 for the first time.. rock on Season 3 I say. This weekend in the spare time I’ve just started watching 24. Man I’m only 3 episodes in but whoa its kicked off amazingly.

ON a side note - I’ve been reading Gregory David Roberts’ Shantaram – its an amazing read but whilst I’ve gotten almost 400 pages in.. I’m finding it awfully difficult to finish coz I’m barely half way. What I really wanna read is the next Dan Brown. Damn can’t he release something?

English Style

Apologies all.. I know I've been neglecting EVERYONE'S blog.. but please bear with me I will catch up with y'alls blogs when I have a minute to call my own.

I'm sure I've mentioned already that English reads my blog. Well suffice to say he read the last post and being as sarcastic as I am.. he wrote me a fairly sarcastic email of the second date... which was in essence meant to mirror my tongue-in-cheek rendition of the first date.

I'm gonna be honest here.. I doubt I would have had time to write up the second date for another week or so.. coz frankly my life is like a rollercoaster right now and I barely have time to breath.

So here is English's version of what MY blog post would read had I written it. So just to be clear, it's him writing from my perspective. Whilst he had written the whole thing in humour.. it's all true.. except it was HIM who kept calling me HONEY and NOT me. Just so we're clear.

So here goes:

Dear Diary

I met English yesterday; again I found him chasing ambulances outside one of the hospitals in my NHS Trust. If I didn’t know better, I’d have thought he was one of those no-fee injury lawyers dating for a quick buck. Getting you up to speed, we’ve been texting one another like crazy over the last week; the feeling of him remotely causing a vibration in my trouser pocket even kept the granny sitting next to me on the bus one day entertained.

Anyway, all went well until he realised 5 seconds later that he’d left his house keys at work. We trundled down the river path and he hurdled the front door while I got gawped at outside by someone I thought was flirting; only later did I hear that I got mistaken for one of English’s youth centre kids. Well, hey do I really come off with first impressions that young and friendly or does everyone want to give me charity!?!

The sun was shining, though the wind made me hide beneath my hoody in a style that would have had even the most covert James Bond questioning his identity. Wandering along the river towards English’s pad, across the bridge, up the street and finally over the threshold saw me ripping off my jacket, flinging off my shoes and socks and err... collapsing on his couch in front of the telly. I was getting déjà vu of our first date where I had this inner feeling of being relaxed and didn’t think twice about making myself feel at home. No wonder you readers must have an impression of me as a ???? but enough of that.

Conversation started to flow and later we look at our clocks to find that we’ve been chatting for 3 hours without grabbing dinner. For those curious readers, yes I’d already managed to find an excuse for siding up against him – he’d opened the window wide when we got home and this hot blooded star gave the “I’m cold” line, always works. Oh well, my reputation precedes me, the gear stick was again in first, it seemed like I was driving an automatic.

They say you can’t keep hunger locked up till lunch so we trundled out to Domino’s and this gave me the ideal opportunity to impress with my flirty ways. My arm round him, seedy talk and the usual forward thinking moves ensured I kept ahead of the game. Waiting for the pizza, we headed off to a supermarket to get a few drinks and passing the milk counter gave me the chance to learn how farmers drain their cows from their teats – this was proving to be a truly educational night out!

Back at home (yeah, I called it home, shock horror shock) we crashed in the lounge with pizza but English fumbled around his drawers for a mission impossible he came out (err, not that way) with two crackers and was insistent that I stand from the sofa. Yeah, you’ll have all guessed that some weird innuendo is imminent. We pulled these crackers and the room received a golden shower of sorts – the crackers were full of glossy love hearts, the usual jokes and a gift. Our love sprawled across the floor, laughter and a pair of handcuffs in my hand what else could I do? Lucky that English came away with a silver padlock to lock up all life’s little mysteries.

It was no to Pretty Woman and yes to Enemy of the State reflecting from the telly in the wall mirror (mirrors? yeah, more of that to come later, they are great for vain little me). My 16” waistline was feeling leaner than a drainpipe so it was time to hit the calorie-laden pizza with gnawing fangs till I could eat no more; we didn’t even touch the fresh hot chocolate brownies. English decided to tuck into something else brown for dessert and I’ll tell you that by this time that more than my face and hands were uncovered; I’d peeled back the layers like a hotel housemaid determined to clock off shift. Will Smith wasn’t getting much attention as two expeditioners were making headway down a large gorge on the sofa. They say dragons have tongues and my tattoo a head start; there was more resuscitation practice than on the set of ER. I was checking my casualty’s airways for some hours looking for chest movement, listening for sounds of breathing and feeling for my casualty's breath on my cheek. More than a few minutes passed and I’ll have to bare you the gory details but suffice to say that later I found myself being carried to the bedroom with my legs wrapped around his waist, a real belt-er (pardon the cheesey pun)!

Over and under, to the left and to the right, backwards and forwards. I forgot how difficult guys make lying in a flat double bed; we’d completed the assault course and become black belts in karate. Frisky fingers wandered like a spider across my back, tantalisingly ticklish and caused me to squirm like a princess (shucks, did I say that?) The temperature was hot’ing up, steam could have been forming on the windows and English whispered in my ear, we’re not having ??? (hmm three letters, you know) until we’re in a relationship since “he respected me more than a quick shag”. Damn, how could a man turn ME down, how naff was that? We talk and cuddle, cuddle smooch and talk, the hours pass and it’s suddenly 3am.

Now if there’s one thing that’s impossible in life, it’s falling asleep horny as a Tasmanian Devil. There we were, the two angels bearing the ethics of a 50-year married couple excitable as piranhas trying to catch some shut eye but we simply couldn’t. English and I became giggling girls, horny tigers and rampant rhinos eager to please one another – it was kind of weird; there we were being all intimate yet incredibly courteous and relaxed almost as though we’d known each other a hundred years. Words such as honey, hubby and husband slipped from my lips at English several times unannounced so maybe English had found the answer to his question “do you believe in love?”

To cut a long story short, after all we had another 3 hours to burn before getting up, I’ll leave readers to imagine our exploits that preceded English carrying me in a hug into the bathroom where it wasn’t my hands spreading coconut shower gel down my front and back but some stranger that I’d woken up beside. We dressed, snogged and left but before I head off, I’ll have to tell you about my adopted baby-self. English has no doubt caught his eyes on my blog and remembered I’m that the stars find me a leo because what did I find dropped in the bowels of my bag as I left? A soft cuddly lion with Eng-GRRR-land emblazed across his chest – now I have my English lion at home.

Guys doesn't he write as well as I?

Hands up for those who agree he needs his own blog.. so he can write his own posts.. and not mine.

PS - the cracker that he made me pull on revealed about 150 plus little red hearts that exploded out of the valentine cracker.. it was like the most romantic thing EVER I swear (shock horror.. he made SSD blush in embarassment). He's is so romantic.. sometimes I feel the need to make sure he isn't a girl and really does have a penis (I've seen it & it is real).

English Potatoes

Averagely speaking, my longest date has been 3-4 hours long. That’s when we do a movie or dinner. I can chat for England but conversation on a date should be a two-way thing.. if my date fails to communicate with me suitably after an hour or so of being out with them, they immediately get a mental rejection (shy people are given an hour to loosen up.. beyond that they get no preferential treatment over other people). Try as I may to find something.. there is nothing worse than awkward silences during a date. I’m gonna be honest here.. I tend to foster the awkward silences occasionally.. and wait to see if my date is capable of filling the silence.. it’s almost like a test for me.

Suffice to say my latest date passed my first date tests with flying colours. I met up with English outside one of the Hospitals (within the Trust) I work for, as he works right across the road, off the embankment area nearby. My first impression of him was ‘FUCK’. Seriously he was soooo serious looking. We then headed towards Leicester Square and made ourselves comfortable on the wet grass. OK truth here is English made himself comfortable and I made myself pretty uncomfortable.. but after a while I stopped worrying about the wet patch that had worked its way through my trousers, into my boxing shorts and started to give me a clammy bottom (just for clarity this was not easy), its times like this I realise just how image conscious I am. Anyways, after a while, English lightened down fairly fast, so he kept my attention longer than I expected him to. When the security geezer came and chased us off the grass we moved onto the stone stab nearby chasing the little ray of sunshine that lingered over the tall buildings surrounding the square.

It was nice talking to him. We acquainted each other with some details of ours lives, we joked and teased each other. For some reason he thought I was a slutty guy. I’m not sure he believed me when I told him his bed post has more knocks than mine, which boils down to my aversion of casual sex and one-night-stands.

I’m not sure how long we sat there, but when it felt like the sun was starting to set, we moved onto a quest to find somewhere to eat. We’d kinda agreed on Nandos earlier so we toddled over to Firth Street, where I was pretty certain there was one. But since I usually place reliance on X whilst I’m in Central (more often than not), when I arrived on Firth Street I thought maybe I was wrong. A very quick call to X clarified my position and within a few seconds Nandos was located. OK I know ringing X was kinda not appropriate on a first date but hell it was the easiest way to solve the problem at hand.

Having ‘cuisined’ at such a posh establishment we walked several miles in circles in a quest for both air and somewhere to have a drink.. but everywhere seemed heaving and we decided as a last resort to frequent G.A.Y Late. There was entertainment to be had when one of the guys there seemed to think he was right out of Riverdance. Watching him was very entertaining, you can’t help but laugh when you see someone who thinks he is a good dancer but really isn’t. Hell I do admire his balls for dancing without a care in the world though. There was a guy literally fornicating with another guy right in front of where we were sat (shortly afterwards it will be a pot kinda calling kettle black situation but oh well it is as it is). I’m a big fan of creature comforts and man do I like to get comfy. He might have been a date but well there is nothing more comfortable then being pressed against another guy, so whilst we were seated I was sat leaning into English, with my right shoulder firmly resting against his left shoulder, and my right leg draped over his left leg. What to say.. I had made myself comfortable.. and comfortable it (err maybe ‘he’ is more applicable) was. Fornicating guy for some strange reason decided that we made a cute couple and decided to take photographs of us in said position. I swear this was a complete stranger. Obviously I didn’t have the heart to tell him we were merely on our first date. Actually in hindsight.. the proximity and positioning of my body in relation to his was not really akin to one who was on his first date. It’s nice to know even this early I am that comfortable with him. There are guys I’ve been on dates with, that I’ve not had more contact with than a handshake.

Now I know I’m a fairly forward creature but I NEVER kiss a guy first. I’ll let the other party know I’ll be recipient but will never make the first move. This situation was no different. Although for a little while I think he was possibly doing the same thing. Our positioning allowed our faces to be fairly close to each other, and well for each minute that went by I was staring into his eyes for at least 40 seconds. It was cute. At one point he leaned in and I thought that’s it.. he is gonna kiss me. I braced myself but he did the cutest thing ever instead. He rubbed his nose against mine. It was gentle and it was playful and he definitely earned himself a brownie point for surprising me. The kiss came a short while later. It was hot and sweaty and I could taste his salty sweat all the while, he pressed all the right buttons (he kissed my neck – I can’t resist that) and immediately I felt like the Lion within rear its head and roar and autopilot kicked in and English had to remind me that we were in a public place & the club was not the most appropriate for such behaviour, which was a good thing as I had started to strip him. He was kinda lucky he was wearing jeans and it was difficult to get his cock out. Public place or not.. when I’m turned on.. I’m an animal. Trust me.. the last person that turned me on got a bruise on his neck. Time continued onwards but straddled as English was by me, with his hand in my trousers caressing my cock.. I was in no specific hurry to leave.

However, that said as I had work the next morning, and as it approached 2AM I felt the need to call it a night. Reluctantly and I stress reluctantly I told English I wanted to leave! For some strange reason.. and I’m not sure why.. English felt the need to text me (and not just say it out loud) the following: “You can stay at mine if you need. I’ll jump on the sofa while you have the bed. Just shower and commute in the morning x”.

Damn what a conflict that created in my head. I really really wanted to go.. but the little voice that warns me against these things resisted. I told him I’d think about it as we walked towards Piccadilly Circus. I needed to pee so we headed to Soho and the open street urinals on the street outside The Village. Having relieved myself, I found English who presented me with a rose. It was so like a scene out of a movie. I have no idea where or how he got it in the minute he left my sight. Decision made I told him I would stay at his place.. even though I knew that the commute to work from his would be really shite the next morning. Waiting at the bus stop I think the conflict playing within me might have been evident but finally the voice won me over and I decided that for tonight it would be best to head home. Being the sweet guy that he is, he offered to walk me to my bus stop, and I totally cringed that he willingly missed his bus to ensure I had both company whilst I waited and that I was safely on the bus. How does one thank someone for such sweet and compassionate behaviour? Finally the bus arrived and I gave him a hug and kiss to say goodnight. All the whilst, riding that stupid bus I regretted not heading to his place with him. But I think I did the right thing considering I had work a mere few hours later.

And thus ended my first date with English.

Now whilst I don’t think its love at first sight.. I really did enjoy his company and look forward to getting to know him better.. I think I might be onto a sane one here. He seems to have the qualities I rank pretty high in my essential list:
1. a decent personality
2. a decent personality (this had double importance)
3. the ability to make me laugh and keep me entertained
4. the ability to converse and not bore me
5. charms and looks

The only downside is he doesn’t have any tattoos.. but oh well.. it doesn’t mean I can’t brand him with one at some point down the line (“,)

On a side note, since this post is starting to be all English English English and we can’t have that.. I met Rebel on Thursday. Absolutely loved meeting him. Just as he was starting to puzzle out the complication that is my life.. guess who we bumped into? None other than The Potato! Normally Potato is very shy and I have to force conversation out of him, but instead he talked and talked and talked. Rebel might not appreciate me saying this out loud but Rebel agreed that Potato is ‘very likeable’.. he is cute and charming and is the sweetest guy alive. OK he hates me calling him sweet so I’m not stressing that. Potato was off to see a movie and invited me and Rebel along.. but alas I couldn’t go. We parted ways and shortly after bumped into his friend and him on their way to the cinema. I though he might be able to direct me to an ASK or something. His friend was very helpful but the nearest ASK was some distance away. Rebel and I made each a bit of a challenge when we both disagreed whether or not Potato’s friend was gay or straight. Rebel said straight and I said gay. Unsurprisingly when I asked Potato he informed me that his mate was indeed gay. This is the point where I would point at Rebel and say ‘I TOLD YOU SO’.

Potato went further and stated the following: “My friend thought you are good-looking”.. to which I resisted the urge to respond with “I thought your friend was good-looking too”. FYI: he was most definitely good-looking but I didn’t even catch the poor geezer’s name.

Since then Potato has been texting me loads. I find I enjoy this rather much. The other day I clocked about 50 messages.

OK this post is getting far too long now so I’m sign off now.

English & The Princesses**

This is one of them posts.. you post knowing you should edit as you write but don’t.. coz you don’t want to limit what you write. Damn its not cool when you blog about someone that reads your blog. Apologies English.. this post is mostly about you.

I wish when someone asked me a simple and direct question .. that I would have the balls required to answer it just as simply and directly as it was asked. Without adding layers of intrigue to the answer.

Cue: Enter English *

English asked me one such a question yesterday evening that I felt slightly defensive and went all anal with the way I answered (only with hindsight I might add). I think with my high spirits that fair evening it was more reflex than anything else.

The question English asked - Do you believe in love?

Now in hindsight.. it was a yes or no answer kind of question? I see that now but my answer at the time seemed more suited to a different question.

It did however make me think of many things from the past.. that tend to get misplaced in the recesses of one’s mind. Love gone by, love that never happened, love that could have been, unrequited love, etc.

Oh before I forget.. I believe I responded with “people mistake infatuation with love”. Which whilst true.. didn’t really answer the question he asked.

Oh and as a side note he called me condescending in the sweetest light hearted of ways. I think he has me mapped down rather well.

Hmmm not sure what else to say on this at the moment... I asked him to join me for dinner this Thursday (since that was the only day I was free this week) but alas he asked me to do Friday. Thankfully I was able to talk my way out of my original plans and reschedule it.

Moving on.

The Bank Holiday was really good. Not sure where it went to be honest. It was my niece’s birthday on Friday but with work, nursery and stuff.. we left celebrating it until Saturday. When we cut a cake and opened presents and stuff. Sunday essentially my brother and I spent the day painting and decorating her room. When she was younger she went through an obsession with Winnie The Pooh, now that’s kinda moved on towards Snow White and the Disney Princesses. So whilst her original room was yellow (for Winnie), the new design is pink. I’m so damn proud of how well it turned out I’ve attached a video recording of it. Yes I think this will be the first time I’ve ever attached my own video and the first time my voice will feature on my blog (yes I talk during the video coz my niece asks me a question.. FYI: I did not originally intend to). And finally Monday was spent taking my niece to the local park and chauffeuring my mum and aunt to a couple of places. All in all it was a beautiful relaxing long weekend.



I was a bit bummed out Monday evening when I realised that English has invited me to a BBQ that I couldn’t make, and even when another mate texted me to say I was sorely missed at his do that evening and everyone was asking where I was.

I had originally intended to arrive home early with the intent of going to bed at a decent hour, but then the Celeb that I mentioned before here (the one that has X wrapped around his finger) rang me and demanded that I should come out and see his new car. Kinda bored and looking for company I agreed. Got home checked mail and spoke to English on MSN (yes it’s quite an achievement to find me on MSN nowadays). Finally come 10.30PM I jumped in the new car with the Celeb and he took me for a ride into Central London and as usual flirted so outrageously with me that it took all my resistance to not show how many buttons he was pressing. We stepped outside of the car near Tower Bridge and walked for a bit. I got annoyed after the 5th or 6th person asked him for his autograph. When he noticed this he wisely suggested we go back to his car and we drove back, with him continuing his flirty mannerisms. X has warned me away from him on many occasions, as have many other mutual friends, but maybe it’s just me trying to find the good in everyone that I don’t see him as the villain everyone else seems to see. Rather I see a person whose own fame has cornered him and will never relent as far as his sexuality goes and that actually makes me feel sorry for him. He is a gay man trapped in a straight lifestyle that would destroy his career if he came out.

Ironically X texted me at 1AM (10 minutes after I got in) and the following conversation ensued...

X: Be careful he’ll try to screw you. I don’t wanna loose you like I lost ******, you mean more to me. I knew he was gonna call you tonight. I’m not even kidding.

Me: I recall the whole ****** thing. And I’m well aware of his MO. I seriously doubt he could come between us. So don’t worry Donut you mean plenty to me too, and I won’t let him mess that up.

X: Its not you I don’t trust it’s him. He isn’t happy right now with me pulling back, and I’m just worried he’ll put you in an awkward position. It’s a scary thought that I might lose you and I just can’t deal with that. Anyways good night. I’m sorry to bother you. Nite x

I really don’t know why I do this to myself.

* I fear English may not have realised the life of a blogger means many things get posted minus personal details like names, etc.

** The alternative title of this post is - Riding In Cars With Celebs.