Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I’m being pursued by three guys. This was two until a few days ago.
With all things considered I have happily slotted S into a friends category (I’m not sure he knows this) coz he rang me earlier today and flirted most outrageously with me on the phone. He even hinted that Cumberland Hotel was only a stone throw away from where I work and we could and I quote “go there and have some adult fun”… most interesting from someone who doesn’t consider himself gay for half of the year. Ty I think you’re ‘eh’ just about sums up what I think of this. Still one doesn’t completely throw aside a fit guy wanting to get into your pants.
Then there is V who I haven’t mentioned yet. Yes.. Rebel is right.. my life has become akin to an alphabetical maze. V is too shy to say he likes me, and too shy to ask me out. Which is just as well.. coz there is like zip romantic attraction there. He has on the flip side invited me out a couple of times when he has been in Soho. He is the most unlikely person who’d tell you they were gay. When I first saw him I was taken aback.. “YOU GAY. NO WAY!”
Finally there is Potato (well the nickname I’ve given him is in Hindi and translates to Potato in English), and I only call him this coz it’s a play on his name and sounds kinda sweet. This guy is nice, not the best looking guy in the whole but in the strangest way somehow has caused me to fancy him ever so slightly. Which is a huge step-up from my first impression of him… when he looked completely doped out and when I held out my hand to shake his.. I was grossed out coz his hand was moist and it kinda felt like I had touched slime. Eeeek. So he is definitely making progress as far as I'm concerned. But annoying Mr Potato is also very shy and if things were to escalate.. they would very likely be initiated by me. Seriously guys.. if you like someone.. tell them.. flirt with them.. shy is so boring and so 1990s. Grow balls already.
And moi? I’m pursuing zero guys at the moment.
This does not mean I’m not seeing anyone.. just not pursuing anyone. I have two pending dates. Proper dates.
I had to cancel one coz I was feeling very ugly without contacts last week (I have another one of those imfamous eye infections) and I’m very self-conscious when I’m wearing specs despite everyone telling me I look intellectual, brooding and sexy. Anyways about the guy he is so the complete opposite to any guy I’ve ever been out with. I think he is gonna bore me to death, after I asked him out and arranged a date, we got talking and I’ve never been that bored in a conversation ever. But he still gets one more chance. So not sure this has any potential.
And the other one is less date more sex crazed loon wanting to get into my pants.. seriously the guy wouldn’t take no for an answer when I turned his date request down. I must admit I do admire that trait so after about ten minutes (yes he persistently asked me out for ten minutes straight).. so I said yes. Date to be confirmed but he got my number. Amusingly, he took my phone, rang his number from it, stored his number as 'sexy guy' in my phone and then traced my number on his and miss-called me.. before he left. Whilst I don't like him at all, or think there is any potential.. I do like his style.
I’m sure someone will ask how X fits into this.. well X is totally exempt of all this drama.. him and I have the world’s weirdest relationship ever. We’re like boyfriends without the sex, drama or emotional attachment. It’s weirdly perfect... plus he is starting to feel very much like my best-friend and less potential-boyfriend material.. and to be honest I've been trying to set him up with a mutual friend.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Thanks to Rebel, I've been tagged. I must admit.. its been a while since my last tag.. and its just as annoying as I recall it being. LOL.
So HOW DOES IT WORK: Well come up with a song that aptly describes the situations detailed.. it has to relate to YOUR life.
Opening credits: What I Am (Eminem)
Waking up: Feed Your Mind (Oakenfold featuring Spitfire)
Average day: You Gotta Be (Des’ree)
First date: Stop Falling (Pink)
Falling in love: I knew I loved You (Savage Garden)
Love scene: My Love (Kele Le Roc)
Fight scene: Murder On The Dancefloor (Sophie Ellis-Bextor)
Breaking up: Piece By Piece (Katie Melua)
Getting back together: Unbreak My Heart (Toni Braxton)
Secret love: Should’ve Never (Jennifer Lopez)
Life's okay: With Arms Wide Open (Creed)
Mental breakdown: Tourniquet (Evanescence)
Driving: Damn Girl (Justin Timberlake)
Learning a lesson: I Learnt From The Best (Whitney Houston)
Deep thought: Guess I Was A Fool (Another Level)
Flashback: Two Beds & A Coffee Machine (Savage Garden)
Partying: Sway (Shaft)
Happy dance: Umbrella (Rihanna)
Regretting: So Sick (Ne-Yo)
Long night alone: Transatlanticism (Death Cab For Cutie)
Death scene: Gotta Go (Trey Songz)
Closing credits: Home (Michael Buble)
Now thats done.. who to tag?
For now I'm not gonna tag anyone.. but this may change in time.
Although that said.. anyone who reads this post should automatically consider themselves tagged.. yeah I think that reads better. EVERYONE IS TAGGED
[SSD laughs evilly]
Grit. That’s something I really admire.
So when someone has the balls to give me their number.. I’m impressed and they get mucho brownie points.
Take S for instance.
S sends me a message and I quote “fuck you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sexyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I mean it.” – PLUS 10 POINTS
S gave me his number – PLUS 20 POINTS
A week later I ring him. S has no idea who the hell I am – MINUS 20 POINTS
We establish who I am.
S says he’s shy – MINUS 1 POINT (for being shy) and PLUS 1 POINT (for being so honest)
We speak on the phone for an hour in the evening three nights in a row. We decided to hold out going out for a few weeks coz we both have so much happening in our lives right now.
S texts me: “Fancy a drink? Kwik lemi know. On train cud met at XXXXXXXXX”
Me: “What happened to waiting till later?” (FYI: his idea)
S texts me back (30 seconds later): "Ya. Let's leave it to afta. Thx" – MINUS 20 POINTS
WHAT THE FUCK?
Not that I could have gone.. I had plans with someone else. BUT still WTF. Did I say NO.. did I say let's leave it to later. Jeez.
SSD is seriously pissed off.
First I have to remind him who I am. Not good.
Then I have to put up with him being shy. Not good either.
But says he likes it when someone plays hard to get. Indifferent (I don’t play hard to get.. I just AM hard to get. LOL)
Has one hellava sexy voice. Really good.
Is older than me by a year. Good.
Then tells me he isn’t out, isn’t scene & is isn’t open about his sexuality. Not particularly good (but I understand)
Rings me during Apprentice. NOT GOOD. (this is the only time I watch TV all week)
Seems very curious about every detail in my life. Good.
Seems to hold back when I ask him about himself. Not good.
Changes his mind about going for a drink in less than 60 seconds. Really not good.
Doesn’t text me every free second, of every minute of every day. Really good.
When I ask him if he is SPONTANEOUS or INDECISIVE.. he says the former.. whilst I think the latter.
For those maths-challenged individuals. That equates to MINUS 10 POINTS todate.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
And then, when its not, it’s really not!
I have had an amazing last few months. It’s been a rollercoaster, chain of events. Truth is I’ve barely had time to stop for a breather.
The crest of it all was the results of my final exams, and since then it’s almost like things have been getting better and better. There was a moment when my fears and doubts crept into me and I began to drown in the abyss of anxiety. Finally when work fell into place, more or less so, the rest of my little existence, almost in response, also fell into place. It was almost as if I awoken from a slumber. I cannot stress how much I love my current job. It’s such a huge learning curve. And up until recently in my life, I have felt so much of my life has been theory-like, and there has not been enough practicality, and now, a welcome change, it’s almost like there is a shift in all aspects of my life, towards it become more real, more gritty, more physical, more tangible.
And things have been great since.
I have some truly amazing, incredible and interesting people in my life. Whether it is people from work, social circles, new friends, old friends, fellow bloggers, family, or even akin to family. I have everything to be grateful for, and so little to complain about.
Yet, it wasn’t until earlier this week, that when I looked around at other people. Seeing people's love. Their happiness. Their successes. Their security. Their direction. Their resolve. Their confidence. Their passion. It was then that I thought that perhaps things weren't so great.
I felt that perhaps I was missing something. Perhaps things aren’t as perfect as they appear to be.
One of the main influences in my life is other people. It’s the pivotal point of everything in my life. I'm only happy with my personal qualities provided that they are noticeable, & admirable by others. My accomplishments are only significant if they stack up well against those of others. It drives me forwards, and it burns at me. I like to think that I don’t care what others think, but I do, that’s the underlying truth. That’s why I love and hate my sexuality. It drives me forward, I aim to be better than a stereotype, and yet it burns at me when things recoil away from me, or my sexuality is used against me.
But the essence of the matter is at some point I have to be happy with where I am, what I’m doing, how I am, ignoring the influences of others. Whilst the metric for measuring my own accomplishments really can be influenced & graded in relation to other people, it should never be dictated by it. I have to learn that, embrace that, wear that like a badge. I have to dwell on what is good for me, what is best for me, and if it is it should be enough.
And of course, it is impossible that I’ll wake up tomorrow having embraced this, since so much of my confidence is caught up in how other people view me.
I sometimes feel that whilst I display an air of confidence in my every action, I have found that confidence is not skin-deep. It's all about how I fit in relation with other people, and me, I get lost in that.
It’s almost like.. every aspect of my personality, my being, my spirit, is split in two and I love & hate every nuance of myself. It’s as simple and as complex as that.
How is that for inner analysis?
OK so on that happy note.. here is me looking rather dapper in my shiny silver suit.
Bear in mind. I'm totally smashed by this point. I've had 3 tequila shots, 3 cocktails and drunk no longer does what I am any justice.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Probably coz I got no time right now.
Yesterday I went to see Step Up 2 – The Streets.. was so incredible. I held my breath so many times during the dance sequences. The words ‘holey fucking amazing’ barely do it justice.
I have dinner plans in less than 10 minutes, so will be rushing out in less than 30 seconds after I hit publish post.
Tomorrow is the Pass Mag Party at Paper, in Piccadilly Circus. So I’m headed there straight after work. Sweaty, hot and tired but looking rather dashing (possibly even dapper) in my new silver shiny suit!
And Friday I have a work outing. We’re going for dinner and then dancing. Yay.
So fellow bloggers I’ll be absent for a while still coz as a social network, eBlogger is barred (and so I can’t access it) at work.
This is why I’m trailing behind in reading y’alls blogs. I do one or two whilst having breakfast first thing in the morning.
Catch y’all soon.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
I met X for 8ish, outside his work place. We prowled Soho for a while and ended up in Prowler as X wanted to show me a pair of AussieBum briefs. He bought them when I said I liked them. Totally made me think of Monty, for two reasons coz the last time I was in Prowler was with him and well surely the word Aussie doesn’t really need to be explained.
We caught up with each other’s respective lives and afterwards we met the fuck-buddy. I’m so evil. I totally turned the tables on X and made a very specific effort to wind up the ex-fuck buddy. When I put my mind to it I have an inane ability to really (and I do mean REALLY) get on someone’s nerves. I’m half proud (& half disappointed at myself) that the plan worked. Although, that said, as the evening went by.. I think I may have started to grow on him.
The ex-fuck buddy wasn’t quite what I was expecting. X had made him out to be kinda average looking so I was a bit shocked coz he was a little hottie. In a very subtle way though! Kind of like you’d have to focus on him to notice. But he was far too serious! But that was the best thing.. it gave me the perfect ammo to aim and destroy him with [SSD laughs evilly]… every few minutes I was like “dude smile” and I could see it was winding him up nicely.
In typical fashion we got to the club and lo and behold the only guy that caught my eye at the gay club was straight. Yes I know it really doesn’t need to be said. YES YES YES I know I clearly do have a tendency to want what I can’t have. Get over it already. Seriously though, there were about 50 gay guys there and I’m attracted to one of the only straight ones. Grrrrrr. Yes blunt SSD was very forward and the following convo ensued:
Me: Bruv, tell me are you straight?
Me: Damn! You sure? *smiling*
Him: Pretty certain.. there’s my girl *smiles a killer smile* [at her AND not me]
Me: So what you doing at a gay club? Not at all bi-curious are you?
Him. *laughs nervously* Err.. no.
Me: Hey I’m just fucking about. I thought you were straight, but I just wanted confirmation. So what you doing here straight guy?
Him: It’s my mate’s birthday. [He points at a very gay guy in a lip-lock with another guy].
Me: Sweet. I’ll let you get back to it then. Remember me.. if you get bi-curious at all.
X was a bit surprised when I approached the guy and how easily I joked with him. I had been banging on about the cute straight guy for a while trying to decide if he was straight or not.. I think maybe he hasn’t realised just how forward I can be.
A short while later, totally bored of the music I sat down. We were all dancing right next to a settee, so I’m like still right next to them all. X moves closer, within my arms length and I pull him down onto my lap. His back is so, that he can lean back on me if he so wants. Now he sits there for a few seconds and then starts wiggling his bottom to the music. He is balanced right over my cock and right leg, thankfully his weight is predominantly on my right thigh.
I whisper in his ear ‘careful or you’ll give me a hard-on’. He wiggles harder, and as I knew, the wiggling makes the hard on rage into action. I don’t know if he could feel it or not, positioned as we were. After a while he gets up. He looks back and I get up too.
Half an hour passes with us dancing. After a bit I watch silently, moving towards a little barrier, and stop dancing, but still facing them. I walk as he grinds up against the friend of the friend who I had invite him. I’m slightly uncomfortable with this, coz I see friend of a friend’s hands on X’s backside. But I’m not really bothered by it all, after all I grind up against friends I’m dancing with quite often. After the song changes they disengage.
We all carry on dancing. And I go in for the kill. I move slowly, press myself against him, and when finally I bring myself against X I let my hands run across his body. Nothing holds me back. I embrace him with my arms around his neck. I allow my hands to roam on his ass, I even press the palm of my hand against his upper chest from behind. If dancing can ever be called dirty, this is as close as it gets without becoming x-rated. There is nothing I didn’t caress. I even grinded from behind with my hands in his pockets, with my fingers stroking the soft skin between the crotch and thigh from inside his pocket. I’m curious and so I press my leg against his crotch. I want to know if I have him turned on. I’m pleased to discover I’ve hit the target. He is definitely hard, there is no doubt about it but it takes me a while to find it. I mentally note that he isn’t huge in that department, but he more than makes up for that in looks. Once I’ve had enough of pressing against his cock, I realign myself so that his thigh is tucked in-between my legs. There is no shred of a doubt that he didn’t feel my hard-on. I can feel the contact it makes. I realise for the first time that I’m actually slightly taller than him. His face turns sideways, and I resist the urge to straighten his face, look into his eyes and kiss him. Whilst his body language is speaking volumes, I know he wouldn’t be comfortable if I kissed him here in front of everyone. But I wanted to kiss him, there and then, and if I didn’t then I definitely wanted him to know that. So after we’ve disengaged I tell him as if I’m making the most insignificant comment, that I almost kissed him. Maybe it’s the way I tell him, like I’m discussing something unimportant, but he says nothing. His silence makes me wonder if that was a good thing to say or not, but I’ve not yet decided if I regret saying it.
But one thing is clear in my head now. I think its finally time we stopped playing games. We both flirt outrageously with each other but neither is willing to make the first move and instead appear to be skirting around the subject. We even discussed asking each other out over the course of the evening with his ex fuck-buddy listening. We also discussed the perks he might gain if we were boyfriends. When I stated that I really want to go to New York, he suggested I pay for his ticket so we could both go together.. I responded with ‘For what. That kind of perk is reserved for my boyfriend.’ To which he replied with ‘Well that is incentive enough for me.’
See nothing but games. And the only reason I'm willing to carry on playing... is that I have yet to decide what I want.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
I really really really just don’t get it.
Before I go into it.. I have a comment to make for Madgal. You sure I don’t know you? When someone feels the need to highlight that I don’t know them.. alarms start ringing. And the voice in my head says THEY DEFINITELY KNOW YOU so you likely know them. Just a thought I thought I’d leave you with. LOL. I’m glad you find my blog likeable. I find your comments likeable too.
Anyways moving on. Now where was I? Oh yeah.
For those that don’t know.. X is 19 thus falls firmly in that ‘under 21 cute guys’ category I was banging on about the other day. As do many others, but seriously people.. what do I look like a pedo? NO BS, no no no no no, no 13 year olds. 16 is my limit for being attracted to.. and I'd say 20 would be my limit for touching.. possibly X maybe an exception, but he is ALMOST 20, so he's a kinda grey area.
Anyways, so a friend of a friend invites me out coming Saturday night to go clubbing with them, to a event called Spice, which as far as I understand is part of a club known as Club Urban Desi.. which caters for gay Asians. So happily I said yes. Who am I to turn down a night of gay clubbing?
Anyways, so X is gonna come too. He also knows this friend of a friend, not as well as I mind but still, so I suggested he ask him along. X says yes. GREAT NEWS. I was hoping for some time along with X to see if we can deal with the now increasingly evident and noticeable elephant in the room.
And lo and behold, today he texts me (after I text him first) to tell me he has invited an ex-fuck buddy along. THIS IS FUCKING SHIT NEWS. With all due respect to him, as far as I know they aren’t fucking now but still what was he thinking bringing him out clubbing with me around.
I’m so pissed. I know this idiot he is gonna bring with him (not personally but I know all about him).. and he is gonna do nothing but trail around X the whole evening. And its going to infuriate the shit out of me, possibly coz I was hoping to do just that. Grrrr. I know that he is gonna annoy me even though I have never met him before. Arrrggghhh.. so once again I’ll not be able to speak to him properly and that flipping elephant is gonna stand over me and poop on my head with him and an entire audience watching.
Damn it.. plus I don’t mask jealously well and I fear my green face will clearly show what I’ve been very carefully concealing from him.. that yes I do indeed have feelings for him. But if I’m being honest with myself.. I’m really not yet sure this is anything more than pure lust.
It’s this thoughtlessness and his selfish nature, his hurtful tendencies (to others and not me), his effortless ability to use people and his downright stupidity at times that makes me want to throttle him and stay the fuck away. And yet that damn fucker is so damn cute I could eat him up in a single swallow.
The word weary no longer starts to illustrate how I feel towards him anymore. But when he is around, there isn’t even a stray thought that tells me he isn’t anything but perfect the way he is. What is with that? It's like being a teenager who is obsessed.
So come on.. coz I just don’t get it.. but what does bringing an ex-fuck buddy to a night club with him on Saturday going to prove? What is it that he is trying to say to me? Or am I just reading way too much into this? Coz no matter how I look at it.. its just plain stupid.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
For those that aren't aware of what the Earth Hour is please see the video below
Vid has totally been stolen off Queer Ranter.
Basically the aim of the Earth Hour was that for one whole hour people across the world switch their lights off to raise the awareness of Global Warming & climate change.
It started in Sydney (bless the Aussies for such an ingenious idea) and has spread across the world.. even Google.com embraced the Earth Hour by turning the normally white page black. See below:
But Central London was lit up like a Christmas Tree on Christmas Eve. This is the first time EVER I haven't felt pride in being a Londoner. Seriously.. how difficult would it have been for such a huge city like London to switch off a few lights?
As the Aussies (rightly so) would say.. us Poms are a right bunch of wankers.
A shout out to all the people who knowingly choose to ignore the EARTH HOUR: F*#KERS