Friday, December 21, 2007
Personally I think some pleasant person made them up to make some sad fucker’s shitty day a little more bearable.
I didn’t get that job I applied for.
I’m not gonna lie… it hurt. It hurt bad. I was really cut up about it when I found out.
And it was totally made worse by the hesitance in the guy’s voice as he told me that the other candidate was chosen over me for the simple reason that he had more relevant experience than me. And I heard the reluctance he felt in telling me this. He even said that he didn’t want to inform me by a letter but wanted to actually speak to me coz apparently I gave the better interview. He actually apologised to me. Ultimately it wasn't just the interview he could go on. Fuck that was a hard conversation to partake in. Can you believe it.. my voice actually wavered and I barely held myself together to speak to him.
Now whilst I was pretty upset about it at the time if I’m being honest here I’m surprised I got called for the first interview. I knew that the colossus lack of relevant experience was a huge issue, but they put me through that stage and forwarded me into a second round and maybe it was that that had made me replace shock with hope.
You can all breath a sigh of relief I'm fine about it now.
So whilst I originally had thought that I would take the time around x-mas and new year off to chill I found myself contacting a couple of recruitment agencies and I’m like inundated with interviews from potential recruitment agencies.. hell its flattering when you’re CV has been out there for less than an day when you’ve been invited for 3 interviews. I turned two down.. they weren’t even close to what I’m looking for. But the third has potential. It’s not perfect but it’s a close 17th (well it definitely isn’t a close 2nd).
I’ve arranged an interview for coming Thursday.. more than actually interviewing for them or for the job.. I’ll be approaching this as me interviewing them, it’ll be up to them to prove to me they can offer me what I want. Apparently of all the CVs they were presented with I’m the only one being interviewed.. I’m thinking they’ll be vex to know that the recruitment consultant told me that (ok I forgot to mention he is an old acquaintance.. who hooked me up with my current job at Lloyds TSB.. and I love that job)
LOL. Wish them luck.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
After getting honey, or rather giving honey.. is anyone ever.. still wanton?
OK not really honey but.. err ok lets start at the beginning coz I think I’m losing the plot.. I bumped into an old flame.. who lets just say is HOT. At the time we first met (quite some time back) we were both firmly in the closet and whilst I kinda caught on that he might be gay I never said anything despite the strong chemistry between us. Time moved us both on and I never saw him again until just now.. which was kinda random really.
I had gone into town to get a couple bits and pieces and quite literally crashed into him.. I apologised and only after I did so, did my eye catch his and I recognised who he was.. he was with his family and in typical fashion I’m wagering he still isn’t out. We quickly briefed the other on where we were in our respective lives now and how much had changed since we last met. When his family realised he might be there a while they excused themselves.
He told me that he had moved back to Kenya (he was originally from there) and I felt his hand ‘cup’ my ass as he put his arm around my waist, as he led me to the benches after I suggested we sit down. Almost as soon as there was contact I felt his hand disappear. Obviously he realised this might not be okay and pulled his hand away. Maybe it was a test, or maybe he hadn’t consciously realised what he was about to do. Now I don’t know how people are supposed to react in a situation like that so I looked back towards my right and traced a line from my backside to his hand.. making it clear I had caught the contact. Responsively I raised an eyebrow and gave him a look. He awkwardly apologised and blushed quite visibly. I looked around for his family, they were nowhere in sight so I leaned in closer.. surprisingly I didn’t flinch at all during this (nor did he).. despite this being a main shopping centre and the fact that there was bound to be at least one person within eye-range who knew me.. I did so, placing my hand deliberately on his upper chest and whispered in his ear ‘I’m not straight.. never have been and never will be.’
Despite how gay we would have looked leaning that close together, with my hand on his chest like that, we choose still to speak in whispers. This time he whispered in my ear ‘I need to see you naked right now. Come with me.’ It wasn’t a suggestion.
He led me towards the toilets. Now I’m a man of class and I don’t do public toilets. Ever. So outside (this is a corridor) I said this wouldn’t work for me. The look he gave me and the ‘please’ he uttered, had me hooked and I followed him into the mens.
We found a stall and well lets just say he saw me naked pretty fast and his lips were heaven.
I cum. And try to steady my breathing. This is not helped by the fact that my penis is now in his hand.
As I reach in towards him to unbuckle his jeans, he stops me. My penis slips out of his hand but I see him follow it. I don’t know why it is like this but everyone seems to want to blow me and are happy for it to be one way. I look into his eyes.. for a few seconds we just stare at each other. I’m trying to figure out what is on his mind.
30 seconds pass and then the following conversation occurs:
‘Err Amit. Did that not do anything for you? Was it not good?’ there is clearly uncertainty in his voice despite it being nothing more his lips moving. There was virtually no sound. I’m surprised I hear him speak.
‘It was good. No screw that it was great’ I say slightly louder than I should. I can’t talk very quietly. And in the dead silence of the toilets my whisper carries.
‘Shhh. Err Amit?’
‘You’re still hard’
I look down and he is right but I’m not really surprised, and slightly confused to why he brings it up. ‘So?’
‘Why? I felt and tasted you cum’
‘Huh! Why am I not allowed to be hard?’ I ask cheekily.
An audible cough from someone in the toilet makes me realise that I’m talking too loud and that there is someone in the toilet with us. The cubicle obviously is doing nothing to silence our conversation.
‘It’s not normal to cum and still be hard straight away’ he says half laughing.
‘I’m practically always hard. Having cum or not.’
‘Wow.. then you’re really lucky. You have really good plumbing’ he says smiling and then laughs it off. We make our way out of the toilet and I notice a man watching the two of us as we leave from outside near the entrance. He smiles at me. I’m pretty certain he was the one that coughed his presence earlier.
Now whilst he said it as a joke I think he was serious when he said it wasn’t normal. Guys is it or is it not normal? Now I’m not sure if it’s just me this happens to but have you ever cum and still been hard afterwards? Immediately afterwards! I find this happens to me more often than not (even if I'm alone)
Monday, December 17, 2007
I've been playing around with some ideas and well I find that this one works for me.
The hunk is Mr Nick Beyeler.
So what do you think.. does everyone like the new look?
I'm not going to boast, oh hell who am I kidding.. I'm so going to totally boast.. I did it myself. And for someone who has never really played around with HTML.. I think this is quite an achievement. Don't you think?
[SSD pats himself on the back]
PS - I imagine there will be minor changes over the next few days
Issues with image not loading on FireFox is solved (but I seem to have lost Nick's knee in the process)
Also blog title (Waiting For Life...) now links back to home page.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Bad news.. exams were crap.
Good news.. I'm free to do what the fuck I want.
Bad news.. all I want to do is sleep (sleeping at 1AM and waking at 5AM for over a week will have that effect)
Good news.. I have my interview callback tmrw
Bad news.. hell if I have my way there won't be any bad news regarding that ;o)
Monday, December 10, 2007
I saw this video thanks to a friend.... who shall remain unnamed (whats important is I REMEMBER THE NAME) - its almost like he knew I 'needed' this and hell it worked. I love you gezzer and whilst I know you don't read this I just need to get that out there. You give me strenght in ways I didn't know was possible.. thank you for pushing me that extra mile when that 50% pain just got too much.
This video was designed to remind me what people are capable of when they give their 100%... and a reminder of the buildup of that 100%... its 10% luck, 20% skill, 15% concentrated power of will, 5% pleasure, 50% pain.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Friday, November 30, 2007
Man I love this photo.*Sam is so far the only person I've ever spoken to that finds tattoos a turn-off.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
I can't believe but this Sunday saw me drag myself outta the house and actually go all the way into Borough, to take a goddamn Mock Exam. Subject was Business Analysis, which as far as I'm considered is just a crap name for that subject, it should just be called Strategy, so in typical fashion that's what I call it. Stupid thing was really hard and I'm hoping I bullshited enough to pass. Personally if I can bullshit my way through that interview last week, I think the ACCA Strategy Exam will be child's play (OK not really but still)... I am a professional here. You know a Professional Bullshitter, not a professional 'Professional'.
I'm always surprised when people tell me I have a British accent. I obviously am completely oblivous of it. And bask in the warmth of being told I'm funny. Charmine mentioned both in her blog and I couldn't help but have a giggle, bless it even made my day. She said and I quote "I have to say, he's humourous and speak such good English with a distinct British accent!".. and I love that. Thats like the best compliment ever one can give. Thanks hun. She's so adorable :o)
Thanks to Billy.. I've finally acquired a copy of Josh Turner's albums 'Your Man' & 'Everything Is Fine'.. Billy you're so right his voice is so freakin sexy it really should be illegal. Fucking hell its almost arousing. OK it is arousing.. *coughs*
I've been fairly good today.. spent the better part studying Ethics & Governance except the moments where my Internet connection gets the better of me. Its all Northern Rock's fault. I'm forever checking the share price and then get side-tracked having done so. My loss on the bladdy things seems to be getting less and less each passing day, but it just takes one shitty day to destroy the whole weeks increase, if everything works out I'll soon be moving from a four digit loss to a three digit one in the next few days... its quite depressing actually so I'll say no more :o(
On the bright side I brought myself a pair of shoes. I'll zip my mouth as to how much they cost but I'm really happy with them. My brother came with me, less for opinion and more for chauffeuring me to and from the shops. I quite liked this pair priced at £75, whereas my brother was like they cost too much... so I carried on looking. He pointed some shoes out and I was like 'NO WAY AM I WEARING THAT' (he really has shit taste) and then lo and behold I saw these beauties and my brother's mouth was hanging open when I told them how much they cost.
But I liked them even more than the other pair I saw... so I brought them. Annoyingly they only had the one size larger than what I needed. But I stuffed some padding in them and they almost fit now. My brother thinks they look gay. I don't. I love them. I don't think I've ever had a pair of shoes I've actually liked the look of before. Maybe its the fact that they do look gay.. who cares though.. I gotta wear them and I like them... so that's what counts the most.
On another note I want another tattoo but can't seem to decide what or where. I've already had the quarter-life crisis one earlier this year so this time it'll be much more compact and I'm hoping to get one in a fairly semi-visible place.. the complete opposite of the one I got last time.
I'm half hanging on a small handprint but can't decide where. Which I kinda stole from Jules' tattoo. But its OK don't fret I've already told her I like it and I might get the same. And she is OK with that.
I also really like this wrist design I saw.. but I think I may come to regret a wrist imprint so that's kinda holding me back. Plus I'm quite hairy so my wrist might not be the best location as I have quite an abundance of hair there. But I do like it. Here is the design I'm on about.
Oh how I'd love to get permanent laser hair removal and not have to worry about fucking hair growth.
PS - On a final note Jay has moved to NY and I'm so hyped for him. Seriously I'm like puzzled to why exactly. Where he lives has absolutely no effect on me. I guess it must be that I'm really happy for him.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
In specific regard I’m taking of my career, when I use the word career I feel old and mature, what I really want to use is the word job... but in my (now) slightly more professional life the word career is more suitable.
Right now I’m completing my final three professional papers with ACCA, and in less than 3 weeks will (fingers crossed) have put the world of studying for ACCA firmly behind me. Fingers still crossed.
If I’m being honest with myself I’ve not really been job-hunting, rather, I’ve not been ‘attempting’ to advance my career. However when an opportunity for a great job, erm (this is kind of getting annoying now), when an opportunity to advance my career came along I thought I better have a go and advance my career. I’m referring to an employment position as ‘Finance Strategist’ for Lloyds TSB (my current employer).
If I’m being honest the first thought in my head when I saw the vacancy was ‘I’m not gonna get it’ and I just brushed it aside until the following mental conversation took place.
Reason: ‘What makes you think you won’t get it?’
Me: ‘Well for one its three bands higher than my current band’
Reason: ‘Does the fact that you’re a part qualified accountant not count for anything?’
Me: ‘Well yes, but...’
Reason: ‘But what? Butthead!’
Me: ‘But I not going to get it so there’s no point. I’m not good enough’
Reason: ‘What makes you think that?’
Me: ‘Em, coz I know me!’
Reason: ‘What do you have to lose by applying Beavis?’
Me: ‘I thought I was Butthead?’
Reason: ‘You are’ Now answer the damn question. What will you lose by applying?
Reason: ‘Exactly my point. So apply already!’
So I did. It was over two weeks after the closing date, 3 weeks after I submitted my application, when I heard from them. I had an interview. YAY.
Me being the eternally cheeky individual that I am, was very tongue-in-cheek and asked how many people applied. I was told SIX. Since there are often no limits to my cheekiness I asked how many were being interviewed. I was told FOUR. I then asked what happens next. I was slightly saddened (but not surprised) to be told that second interviews would be arranged for those that were suitable, with my current interviewer’s (there were two) boss. FUCK.
I gotta be honest the interview was HARD. I might have cried but I was SCARED my mascara would run (FYI: this is a joke). But seriously it was a tough tough interview.
The first question was something like ‘describe a situation when you’ve had to meet a deadline, but an arising situation, that you have no control over, has make it difficult to complete, and what did you do you as a result?’
Ever been asked that? No? Really? Well if you were asked that question what would you say? That’s how I felt being asked that question. And that was the first of SIX fairly brutal questions. Imagine my horror when my mind went completely blank. Oh crap.
Reason: ‘Say something damn it’
Me: ‘Em… can you repeat the question?
I swear that was my response just to break the heavy murderous silence that had permeated the room.
I blagged something about a staff member calling in sick, and a report deadline being due, and having to reprioritise my workload and asking for another staff member to come in and help. It was very blah blah blah, but on such short notice it was the best I could come up with. Not bad in hindsight, and as a result I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m practically a professional bullshitter.
Whilst I honestly (and I’m not just saying this) don’t think I was amazing in this interview, in fact overall I kinda sucked.. I’d be really upset if I don’t get this job. Considering its been more than 3 years since my last interview I don’t think I did a bad job overall. But right now I’ve got my fingers and toes crossed that I get at least a second call back (that’ll be fab for my ego after THAT interview).
I expect to hear from them some time this coming week (Friday-ish).
Not that there is a snowball in hell kinda chance that I will get it but still one can dream
Thursday, November 22, 2007
I must admit I have watched Disney's High School Musical. Now whilst I can't honestly say I LOVED it.. I did strangely enjoy it in the silliest of ways. And Zac whilst not my kind of guy either, was kinda nice on the eyes. So up to a few days ago I kinda agreed with Jay... and didn't get the whole Zac Efron obsession either.
And then I saw this picture and I changed my mind. I totally see what the fuss is about. Isn't it amazing how one single picture can make a difference?
I'm curious to know if anyone is immune to the effects of this photo!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
OMG it was so beautiful. I can't believe it. This is my oldest friend. I've known her since I was in diapers. It was a very emotionally charged day. Plus it was great seeing a couple of friends I hadn't seen in a while.
Straight after, actually correction.. as soon as humanly possible I had to tear myself away from there (I missed none of the ceremony.. hell I've never do that) - and headed towards the University of Westminster for the St Lukes Hospice Fashion Show. I would have pulled out of this if it weren't for a charity I so strongly support, coz it was Jo's Wedding and that was so important for me to attend. I did speak to her first and make sure that everything of importance & the entire wedding would be completed before I had to shoot off. I'm glad it actually worked out despite the fact that the wedding started pretty late.
Yes yes its true.. dear shy SSD took part in a fashion show. Who am I kidding with shy?
But still shy or not, its really difficult being the centre of attention in front of so many people but I held my own and got a loud applause for one and a semi-loud applause for the other. Which is great, coz many others didn't get more than a clap. I'm so cheeky I totally altered the pieces that I was involved with, and did my own thing.
The choreographed steps for me didn't work so I improvised last minute. I was well chuffed when the choreographer reacted with: 'That was fab! Nicely done. You should have made it last longer.'
That specifically relates to the one when I followed one of the girls back onto the stage. Originally we were meant to just walk on from different sides of the stage and do our 'thing' and then walk off at the other end. After I had done my piece I followed a girl called Nadiya onto the stage and whispered it her ear to 'push me away' when we got to the centre of the stage. It worked brilliantly. We got a huge applause. The loudest one in the entire fashion show in fact.
Oh hell for someone who hates being the centre of everyone's attention I do love it in equal measure.
For those on Facebook*. Check it out its up on my profile page. I've upload a fairly grainy copy. I had forgotten my camera/camcorder (yes even for Jo's Wedding) and so had to have it recorded using my mobile phone.
*UPDATE... forementioned picture no longers exists. If you have no idea what I mean. GOOD. Trust me its for the best.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
I have my ACCA finals in less than a month now, and I’m not even gonna mention the fact that my revision seems to be stuck in kind of a rut, nor will I mention the fact that I have a cloud of resignation hanging above my head, nor the lack of drive or desire to study.
What I will mention is that right now my life seems to be focused elsewhere. My niece is at an age where we have to choose her first school and it is very very important to me that my niece goes to a local private school called Alpha Preparatory School, it ranks as one of the best primary schools in Harrow, and almost in London too. This was one of the reasons why I ensured my brother and parents moved here, to Harrow, in the first place.
It took immense effort to ensure she went to Alphabets Nursery School (it is owned by Alpha Prep). Now because it is a private/independent educational establishment getting a place is like gold dust. They have an intake of about 8-10 kids per year, and over 100 kids apply. She did get in after a successful assessment. I went with her. I’m sad to say I didn’t trust my brother nor sister-in-law to take her to the assessment for sheer fear they might do more harm then good, or screw up her chance at getting in. It was very worrying but I was overjoyed when I heard from Alphabets that she got a place.
The step between Alphabets Nursery School and Alpha Prep is a small one compared to those who come from other Nurseries. But Alpha is an extremely sought-after school. They have an annual intake of under 20 kids and have over 1000 kids applying. No shit this is a great school and its well known. They claim it is a small family orientated school that provides a happy and stimulating environment in which to work and learn, and since 4 of my cousins went there I know this to be true. Besides I’m a firm believer that if a child’s educational foundation is sound they can achieve anything they want in life, and Alpha is one of the best ways of ensuring a firm educational foundation. Recently the school’s applications have increased significantly and the demand for places has become murderous.
My niece has her assessment in January 2008, my brother received a letter just this week, and I think I’m more stressed than her parents about it. The assessment is intense and very demanding, they expect a lot from the kids, and the pre-assessment meeting (that I attended 2 weeks ago with my brother) more than confirmed that. We have a lot of work to do to ensure she will be ready for it. When I say ‘we’ I really mean ‘I’.
I often feel the need to remind myself that’s she is three when I’m trying to teach her something. Right now the biggest thing is drawing. Her pencil control isn’t what it should be, this is probably because neither parent has really focused much on this area. Now I don’t want to criticise her parents but there are people who are naturally great with kids and those that really aren’t. Alas, neither my sister-in-law or brother have the gift of being great with kids. They do the best they can and I respect them for that. Whilst my brother and I were severely disadvantaged in terms of being given an education when we were kids, we’ve both learnt from our parents mistakes and have taken the steps necessary to ensure that my niece doesn’t suffer such.
Most significantly neither my brother and I were really taught to read. My brother still todate finds reading challenging. Now whilst I was luckier than him.. in that as a child I hated going home, I had a turbulent relationship with my father from a very young age, and therefore spent every afternoon (after school) at a library until it closed and I was forced to go home. Anything was better than going home back then, and I found a passion for reading. My written English still is poor as is my spelling, and my grammar is atrocious. But years of being a bookworm have helped in a lot of ways. Anyways going back to my niece.
During the pre-assessment meeting I was shocked to learn that they actually expect her to draw a house or a man/woman. Seriously. This is an expectation of a girl who is three and at the time couldn’t a square without assistance. My brother automatically started teaching her how to drawn a house. I told him off and suggested he start by teaching her shapes, if you have mastered shapes drawing other things become easier, besides a house is a collection of shapes. He said we don't have time. I said she HAS TO LEARN TO WALK BEFORE SHE RUNS. I think he understood that analogy so he agreed. He said he'd start with a square. I said ok.
My brother (her father) attempted to teach her this for several days and once I was watching and got really annoyed at his method of teaching her. So I calmly asked my niece if she has enough (even though I had only been there for 2 minutes I could see she had had enough, and once a child has switched off its pointless teaching them). She said she had and so I excused her. She ran as fast as her little legs could carry her. Bless. My brother gave me a dirty look and I stared him down, he said she refused to understand. Shortly after I asked him to draw a ten-pointed star. He looked at me like I was nuts. But I insisted and when he realised I was actually serious he attempted to do so. To say he failed would be an understatement. I then told him it was as difficult for his daughter to draw a square without guidance as it was for him to draw a ten-pointed star. A couple of days later, I think Thursday/Friday gone I sat with her and showed her in great detail how to draw a square. First I started with four dots and asked her to connect them up (she can draw straight lines) and conveniently made the dots disappear one after the other. Then we formed a series of lines that in sequence formed a square. I’d ask her to draw a horizontal line, I’d then draw a single vertical line (on the right), and get her to draw the second vertical line (on the left), and then finally I’d ask her to draw the final horizontal line, making the square complete. My brother told me with great delight that today she drew a square completely unaided. I resisted the urge to scream ‘you see its not her its you’ but I took a deep breath instead. And calmly explained you can’t draw a square in a single step (counting 1, 2, 3, 4, square as he was doing) and expect her to copy you after a few seconds. He stressed that I was better at kids then him. Sometimes I hate that attitude him and his wife take. Grrr.
Another thing they expect her to do is match pictures of baby animals to their parents, ie. a calf to a cow, a joey to a kangaroo. Now whilst this isn’t overtly difficult, but its unfair to a child if the first time they get to do this is in the assessment, so I spent several days scrolling the net to find a puzzle/game that allowed her to practice this. I discovered Mothercare had released a game to this effect but it was an old discontinued item and was only randomly available on eBay if someone happened to be selling it at the same time as you were looking to buy. It took ages but I found a company called GALT that has a similar product and ordered it, along with memory cards and an opposites puzzle. I think I’ve finally figured out where my money goes now. I also spent a day at Early Learning Centre the other day and brought her a reward chart, a paint apron and a threading kit. Now I need to get a Duplo set (everyone seems to have gone Mega Bloks mad but the Alpha assessment uses Duplo and my niece only has Mega Bloks) and a triangular pencil, apparently they enable better grip for kids learning to write/draw.
Over the last few days I’ve also been teaching her sequencing, as in red blue red blue red… what goes next? I must say she drove me nuts when I first started this task. But she picked it up after a few days. Another thing she has to do is fine motor skills, as in putting little pins in holes etc. I showed her how to thread a sequential pattern the other day. She did it amazingly, her parents were dumbstruck at how fast she picks things up from me, and how little/slowly she does from them. I recall on the first day I was teaching her sequences, both her parents and my aunt claimed she wouldn't pick it up in time for the assessment. I had her at 4 days.
Another thing they will test her on is audio memory. She will be given three tasks in one go, and then she will be tested to see how many tasks she can perform, without distraction. All three is great. Two is good. One is not good and not bad. And none if they get distracted is bad. So I’ve been practising this with her too. For instance, the other day I asked her to get me her towel, her slippers and her Postman Pat toy. I was overjoyed when she bought back all three. Mostly she does two. Which is probably one more than I’d bring back.
I hope I don’t give the impression of doing everything; I have given the task of scissor control to her parents as well as reinforcing the concepts I teach her.
Apparently since I’m the natural with kids (despite not actually having any kids), they expect me to do the teaching and they follow on with the reinforcement. I must say it does work well though.
So right now I study during the day and teach in the evenings. I know there is a deep urge within me, a desire to teach nursery aged kids. But sometimes I have no patience for little kids and I'm not sure it would work very well, during others I amaze myself.
Monday, November 12, 2007
I must admit that when a friend posted this on my Fun Wall I almost pissed myself laughing. Its slightly long but definitely worth watching, most espically if you were born in the 70/80s.
*I'm not sure but this might relate specfically to British people :o(
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
The words of Eminem ricochet in his mind
And I am
Whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
Soul Seared Dreamer knows the truth behind those words. He feels them everyday in his existence. Everyone has an opinion.. and right now SSD doesn’t care what anyone thinks but what he thinks himself, this is his day. He is after all the most important one, his voice carries and matters.. and SSD knows that if he shouts out his opinion long enough it becomes meaningful and influential, why wouldn’t it? SSD knows himself to be right. Everyone else’s opinion of Him is irrelevant to SSD. And it frustrates SSD that the other voice whispering in His head disagrees sometimes, openly contradicts and resists. He fully intends to silence that voice once and for all, but he doesn’t know how, so he puts up with it when whispers to Him, SSD knows that for the better part.. it is falling on deaf ears, but still that blasted voice doesn’t shut up, its old and irrelevant.
SSD thinks that when one has been hiding what/who he really is for so long, sometimes that person can’t help but possess a kind of confused image of himself. SSD isn’t surprised therefore that when He looks in the mirror He often honestly don’t recognise Himself but sees SSD staring back instead, but He’s too stupid to realise that, only SSD notices that is him that He is seeing, He just sees a part of Himself.
Maybe that’s because He is so used to wearing so many personas.. there is one for friends, a different one for family and another for random people, and thus it’s often the case that He doesn’t recognise the one He is facing when He does look into a mirror.
When He first created this blog, and the persona of Soul Seared Dreamer, SSD never hid the fact that He was gay, strangely though its mentioned almost as an afterthought in the third post, it’s almost as if being gay was nothing important, nor wrong or even worth the hassle of highlighting. SSD knows He is gay and takes it for granted and is comfortable with it. SSD is after all as free as a Jay Bird whereas He is so used to fluttering somewhere in smokescreens, illusions, cloaks and mirrors He thinks he sees clearly when there is nothing but fog in His face. This is the complete opposite of SSD. SSD knows when He is lying to Himself, even when He Himself doesn’t.
SSD isn’t thus surprised when He finds that somewhere down the road SSD becomes more ‘real’ than Him.. and now He often walks and talks completely one with the persona of Soul Seared Dreamer. This pleases SSD. The old Amit is like a distant memory to Him. He can’t even remember what His chain of thoughts would have been or even how He would react in any given situation.. nowadays He always reacts as SSD. There are almost these invisible strings that SSD is puppeterring Him with.
SSD knows for a fact that He notices this phasing out of Himself.. maybe its easier for Him as He knows He is no longer relevant. The only relevance is SSD and forward momentum. After all when He first created SSD, it was everything He wanted and aspired to be.. and yet He seems not to have fully appreciated the fact that somewhere down the road He might lose Amit to SSD. SSD is after all the more dominant party and SSD isn’t ashamed to say that... evolution favours and fosters the survival of the fittest, and SSD is damned if he will bow to someone as weak as Him.
SSD also knows His aunt recognises this too.. She points out every little difference she spots, from the change in His choice of words, the change in His choice of clothes, to the differing patterns of His behaviour, reactions, decisions, choices, attitude, etc. Maybe that’s what makes it so profoundly obvious to Amit that He is being phased out... the fact that those changes are constantly being highlighted. She just doesn’t know who SSD is. She thinks Amit is changing and is oblivious to that fact that His mind is being invaded and conquered by another entity, with a ruthlessness and survival motive. SSD laughs, not even trying to hide this from Him or her.
There are days when Amit thinks that this is a kind of evolution, so He doesn’t resist, He feels maybe that He is growing into what He could or should have been/become before the years of doubts and fears crept in. And yet there are days when He considers it a change of the course of His life, each choice He makes creating a completely different path for Him to follow, impact after impact altering Him, making SSD more real and tangible and Amit less so.
Yet not even SSD can deny that Amit is very clearly a part of him. Amit loves/loved Britney, so whilst SSD often feels like a completely different person, SSD loves basking in Amit’s shadow, SSD also clearly loves Britney and he doesn’t fight that aspect of Amit’s past, present and future, he openly embraces it. There are other similarities too. But those are becoming few and rare. And SSD is glad about that.. there is nothing good in his mind about a past that lingers like a bad smell.
Whilst there are similarities there are clearly differences too.
SSD is much angrier and less reserved than Amit. Whilst Amit isn’t shy, He acts it and basks in it, and that frustrates SSD more than words can convey here, since SSD isn’t shy or reserved, he wonders what the point is in trying to pretend to be, so SSD often acts out knowing Amit will regret those specific actions later. During those times SSD feels Amit struggle for control, but SSD knows Amit is irrelevant and blocks Him out, mostly always with success, and He watches in silence sometimes. Its only when SSD hands the reins to Him does Amit get a say nowadays. And SSD knows that Amit finds that SSD is becoming more and more reluctant to give Amit any control anymore.. SSD doesn’t entirely feel he can trust Amit and SSD enjoys watching Amit squirm as He struggles with His dual identity. SSD feels this is poetic justice for His lack of effort to live His life and thinks He spends too much time worrying about the unimportant things.
SSD has felt he has had his say and wishes now that Amit will just fuck off and leave him to be in peace.
That is how I feel sometimes, like SSD is a completely different person, one successfully phasing the old me out.. one year from the start of this blog I’m more the SSD you see here than the Amit I was when I first created this blog.
Today marks the 1 year anniversary of the creation of this blog and I felt it appropriate that SSD be allowed to speak for himself for the first time, it is his first birthday after all, and since there isn’t a present I can give him, I allow him to speak freely without the constraints of Amit holding him back.SSD often tells me that I don’t acknowledge him enough, even though he thinks my thoughts more than the old Amit does nowadays.
Take this as an example, the other day when Jules posted a fun game to do with the first letter of your name I used ‘S’ and only realised when Ebezp pointed it out that I should have actually used ‘A’. Oh well maybe there is truth to SSD’s words above that he is invading my mind and taking over.
I apologise for the lengthy post but in short this is what I have to say to SSD and my readers:
Thank you to all the friends I have made here (I’m not going to use the term ‘bloggers’.. many of you go far beyond that) I value the courage you have given me to be SSD, I have each comment preserved here in remembrance of your kind words of support and I value each and every one.
I honestly believe that each one of you have in your individual way has helped but since the biggest thing this year was my coming out. I want to specifically thank:
I know some of the above no longer frequent the blog, but in my heart of hearts it would be wrong not to acknowledge these people and the respective parts they played.
Whilst there are many many others who I am so grateful to, todate, this specific list relates to my pre-coming out portion of the blog. To all the others, I love you, each and every one of you.
Specifically to SSD: God bless you SSD, and thank you for all the marvellous things you’ve given me the courage to do this past year. All I ask now is that you bare with me whilst I gather the courage to go the whole way and please don’t get too frustrated with me :o)
Monday, October 29, 2007
I can’t believe Monty gave up a perfect opportunity to get his own back for the prank I pulled on him, when I turned to our meeting point and couldn’t find him.
Truth be told I’m not really blaming Monty or his mates for getting me pissed (Dan* you’re right though.. you guys drink loads..) but it just makes me feel better (and less guilty) if I find I can blame someone else. I knew exactly what would happen after that first drink and I still had it. Personally I think a night-out with alcohol induced craziness was slightly overdue. And oh was there alcohol induced crazy behaviour. Our destination: The Ghetto.
It started out with one drink (as it always does) and quickly progressed to so many I actually lost count. I think I was drunk after about 4 alcopops (I recall a time when it took about 10 of those to make me tipsy). I find there are levels to being drunk, and I find my inner flirt kicks into overdrive when I’m drunk and I have little actual control over my actions once I’m there.
An SMS exchange with Monty has already confirmed he saw my inner flirt at action with the ‘Gentle Giant’ (for this post we’ll refer to him as GG) I hooked up with. I’m not exactly tall, and I came up to this guy’s chest, which I must admit was really nice getting cushioned by when dancing. The problem however came when we were kissing (and oh boy I recall kissing him the whole night) and either he bent down or I got on my tiptoes. I’m sure there was more of his saliva in my mouth than my own. There were frequent times he literally swept me off my feet too and I physically rode him... not sexually mind.. oh well that’s not exactly true.. I did have my legs completely wrapped around his waist several times.
For the image GG originally presented me.. I imagined he was gonna be fairly wild and forward.. but GG was actually a lot shyer than he looked. I had to move his hands in certain places to give him ‘permission’.. but by the end of the night we were happily groping each other and holding/caressing each other with little regard for those around us. Lets just say we both know exactly how hung the other is.. for our hands were often in contact with the other’s cock, occasionally without the constrain of clothes. With exception to GG’s ankles and feet, I’m pretty certain there isn’t any part of him where my hands didn’t wonder. I think he could say the same about me.
Between the bouts of dirty dancing.. we did speak. I discovered he is a Social Worker, and whilst he is much older than the kind of guy I normally go for (he definitely isn’t 16/17.. which Monty thinks is my preferred age range).. he seemed a really sweet guy and I happily exchanged my number with him. But with my adversity with the whole concept of casual sex I didn’t go home with him, despite part of me wanting too. We've since agreed to meet up some time soon.
Bless, he actually texted me the next day and apologised for being so drunk and hoped he was well behaved.. I don’t either one of us was particularly well behaved so I said it was kool.
I danced with him for soo long I’m not sure when Dan, Steven (Dan’s husband), & Monty even left. But I’m pretty certain they all left before me coz I only found Dan’s other mate and his partner when I decided to retire for the night.
I got home at 5AM and was pissed when my aunt rang me at 7AM. Its probably a good thing, I did have to be at her place a short while later to leave for the performance at Trafalger Square later on.. I took part in one of the performances for 'Diwali on the Square'. It rained quite a bit but BBC estimated there was about 30,000 people about, if not more, see here. But nursing a hangover, it was awful feeling sick and being wet.
Jules/Dan - does that suffice?
* Dan it was a pleasure meeting both you and Steven.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Oh man. I knew there was a reason why I gave up drinking.
This feeling does pass doesn't it?
I have a vague recollection from days of binge drinking that eating & drinking plenty (of water and NOT more alcohol) was supposed to help. So I had a bag of chips at 4AM (even though I didn't want to), and I also brought a bottle of mineral water and drank most of it (even though I didn't want to).
And right now I've already had a full bowl of dry cereal (even though I didn't want to)... I recall that it helps soak up the lingering alcohol... which truth be told was probably more than I've eaten (in the mornings) for the whole week.
Damn. I'm totally blaming Monty & his mates.
And I really need to learn some self control (in more ways than one)
Thursday, October 25, 2007
I was pleasantly surprised that our British weather was very kind on the day, and it was actually sunny... not warm mind you, its October after all, and expecting warmth is a bit crazy.
I got to Baker Street early enough, and had texted him the day before to buzz me when he got there. As I waited an evil thought ran through my mind when I realised Monty hadn’t arrived yet. I found a nice little corner and got comfortable. Since I hadn’t met Monty before I wasn’t sure I’d recognise him right away but the minute he emerged from the station I spotted him. He looked around and I dashed for cover, Baker Street doesn’t really offer much hiding space. I received his text to say he’d arrived and I texted back saying something to the effect of ‘Dude didn’t you get my text… I said I can’t make it till 4pm’... considering it was 12pm now... that would have been a nasty shock for him to receive already waiting there. I was tempted to leave him there for a few minutes but I wasn’t feeling particularly mean (Monty imagine if I was?) and I went and stood right next to him. The look on his face was priceless. I’m kind of kicking myself for not taking a picture now. He might not know this but I waited there for about 30 seconds before letting him know.
What a way to break the ice. Just in case we're keeping score Monty its 1:0... and you being mean about the 17 year old... doesn't count. Thats too minor.
Madame Tussands was a laugh; Monty seemed to attract all sorts of weirdos, one guy/girl (I'm not sure whether he/she was male or female) stared so intensely at Monty for a whole 30 seconds like it was in shock and thinking 'OH MY GOD THIS STATUE IS MOVING'.. not entirely sure what that says about his complexion. But Monty is a good looking guy so I totally understand the staring. For Monty the highlight was his picture with Kylie. I was kind of hoping I'd see the statue of Justin Timberlake and was disappointed to see it wasnt present. I was kind of hoping to feel JT up.. assuming that that would be the closest I'd ever get to feelin up JT.
Whilst Monty was busy batting away the weirdos... me on the other hand had to act as a Knight for a damsel in distress. This poor Chinese woman petrified in the Live Horror of Chambers, bless her, grabbed a hold of me saying ‘Can I stay you please’, poor thing was actually shaking.
After what was the fastest visit to Madame Tussands, I like Monty's style, we moved on to London Eye, which regardless of how many times you do is always breathtaking. I had to ask a couple of people to scoot out of the way and happily harassed others to take pictures. Actually that said I asked one couple to move AND take a picture too, aren’t I a charm? A woman with immaculately dressed kids (no joke it was baking hot in the capsule and they were wearing shirts, trousers and ties.. I can’t remember if they had jackets on too) took a liking to the two of us, and Monty pointed out was watching us. She made some comment as we alighted the flight (yes its called a flight.. it is half owned by British Airways) which made it clear that she was also listening to our conversation. I was laughing soo hard I’m not sure what she said now.
After that we aimlessly wandered towards Leicester Square for hours until poor Monty highlighted the fact that he was wearing shoes. I found it hilarious that as someone from Australia Monty knew the streets of London better than I. Having gotten to Charing Cross, I took the wrong turn and headed towards Strand instead of towards Leicester Square. Finally we took a train there, when bless Monty looked like he was gonna strangle me if I made him walk anymore. My excuse (for the lack of direction) is I’m used to driving through the City, and the roads/routes drivers take are wildly different from the back streets you use walking.
After grabbing a bite to eat, we trawled through Soho. The memories of my first visit to Soho burning brightly in my mind. It amazes me now how casually I can walk into a sex shop, when less than 3 years ago I recall being petrified and super-embarrassed entering ‘Prowlers’ on Brewer Street (the first gay sex shop I entered). Hell I think Monty was more bashful than I. It didn’t help that I dragged him into four sex shops before we left Soho. Both of us were amazed to see that the ‘Soho Original Books’ (also a sex shop), is more catered for straight men than gay. It was like the gay porn section was created as an afterthought.
Thus ended our day together. Not before shamelessly picking the train carriage with the hot guy in it. I followed him off the train until he went towards the Jubilee line and I had to take the Bakerloo. Damn he was HOT. And he totally knew I was checking him out. He looked back several times.
Buddy just for the record I had a great time with you. And time, money and life permitting I will most definitely take up your suggestion and attend the Mardi Gras in February.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I recently sent a song called ‘Piece by Piece’ to a friend via MSN who has been having slight issues with his ex, and since that day I could help but think of her and her songs. Would it be of a huge surprise that since that day I’ve been listening to her albums ‘Pictures’ and ‘Piece By Piece’ every minute I have.
But it made me think of something that happened when she released her single ‘Nine Million Bicycles’, for anyone who hasn’t heard it… YOU MUST. Its my all time favourite of all her songs. Its actually the first song of hers I heard. In case you haven’t heard it… here are the lyrics: Just to be clear.. for purposes of this post the bit in red is very relevant.
That's a fact,
It's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die.
We are twelve billion light years from the edge,
That's a guess,
No-one can ever say it's true
But I know that I will always be with you.
I'm warmed by the fire of your love everyday
So don't call me a liar,
Just believe everything that I say
There are six billion people in the world
More or less
And it makes me feel quite small
But you're the one I love the most of all
We're high on the wire
With the world in our sight
And I'll never tire,
Of the love that you give me every night
There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That's a Fact,
it's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die
And there are nine million bicycles in Beijing
And you know that I will love you till I die!
Now the greatest thing about Katie, is she has an almost dark sense of humour (just as I do), and I adore her for it. For those that aren’t aware.. the truth is the we are 13.7 billion light years from the edge, not 12 billion. So this scientist called Simon Singh (from the Guardian) really went into her.. taking that lyric as a personal insult... and wrote an article badmouthing her for that lyric, claiming it belittled the scientists who worked very hard to calculate the figure of 13.7 billion, which he claimed WAS accurate. So in the greatest fashion she responded during a ‘BBC Today’, by altering the lyrics, she apologised to Simon Singh and said that she ‘should have known better’ because she used to be a member of the astronomy club at school... it was a fantastic response coz the altered version really put Simon Singh in his place.. she altered the lyric in the song to read:
And I’ve been searching to find that program on YouTube ever since, to no avial.. then several days ago I found it. It's not from the original program but from this Scientific Talk Show called TED. I love it and you guys have to watch it.
For those that want to hear the actual song here it is:
Monday, October 22, 2007
The age of consent in England is 16, as specified by the Sexual Offences Act 2003. However it is illegal for a person to engage in sexual activity with an individual under the age of 18, if they are in a position of trust in relation to that individual (teacher, warder, care giver, guardian, etc).
And its all good, coz I ain't his teacher, warder, care giver, or guardian... but that said does 'chauffeur' count?*****
Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if my life is just one big test.
I don’t know if its healthy but I find in the majority of situations the people that tend to flock around me have a tendency to be quite young, ok flock is maybe a strange word… lets say people that acquaint themselves. I know I don’t always act my age, and having the gift of youthfulness makes me ‘appear’ a lot younger than I really am. I’ve lost count of the people who ask me what A-Levels I am doing? Or what degree I’m doing. Assumption being made is I’m about 18-20... how are people blind to the bags beginning to form under my eyes? Oh yes, I’m not completely immune to the effects of aging.
Anyways so back to a couple weeks ago (yes I’m now blogging on hindsight nowadays) and I met this young chap for the first time, its my aunt’s dance academy dinner party. In order to protect the innocent we’ll pretend his name is Crush (which is quite ironic). Now Crush is 16. His birthday just went, so he is NOW 17, but at the time this relates to.. he is firmly 16. Holey shit... he has sex appeal.
See now whilst he assumed I was definitely older than him, he guessed wrong assuming I was 18ish. And whilst I knew he was younger than me, I guessed wrong too, for I assumed he was 18ish too.
I’m sure you’ve all met at least one closeted teenage guy who excessively puts on a show of being straight by making comments such as ‘I’d bang her’ (yes this is a direct quote) but there is always a line of thought that runs back to being gay… this is one of the conversations we’ve had:
Crush: Looks there’s Ant. Do you know Ant*? He’s batty
Me: Yeah I know Ant. So what?
Crush: Nothing. He’s safe
Me: So why mention it?
Crush: Nothing I’m just saying.
Me: What exactly? That you’re gay too?
Crush: Fuck off.
We spend most of the dinner talking, we are sat next to each other. During a photo shoot he puts his arm around me. During another photoshot, he turns to kiss me (he doesn't kiss me but pretends to).. this is mock imitation to the girls who did exactly the same thing seconds before.
Anyways... fast-forward to later that evening.... the biggest problem with London nightlife is that the bulk of places are 21 plus and they do ID you. So the majority of us go to Crazy Horse, a semi-local club. Crush is the youngest of us…and clearly not legal to enter. But since the majority of us are well over 21 and being with so many older people (my aunt is there too) we think they wouldn’t fuss and ask him for ID. They didn’t. So he is really excited to get in (I had offered to drop him home if they refused him entry).
So once in the club, me being the casual flirty guy, totally touched up this hot drunk guy, who was definitely straight but was so drunk he was flirty back. Actually scrap that, he isn’t hot, he was FUCKING GORGEOUS. Anyways he is dancing with this girl, and I brush past. And I don’t know how this happened exactly but he is hugging me in the middle of the dance floor. Crush is watching, and so are some people including my aunt, so I’m fairly conscious of this and hesitantly disengage (damn it this never happens without an audience). As I make my escape I hear girl ask the totally drunk gorgeous guy if he knows me. I don’t hear his reply… but they carry on dancing together. As I return to where Crush is standing he has a look of awe on his face ‘what was that all about?’ he says. I look at him and joke ‘I’m hard to resist.’ I must admit that even Crush is checking this guy out. I firmly remind myself, whether or not Crush is gay, bi or straight, he IS 16. When he excuses himself to go to the toilet, I resist the urge to follow. I mentally remind myself that he is 16. 16 16 16. Its 1AM by now and the morning wears on.
Once the club is closed, I drop him off home. Thinking that this would be the last time I see him for a while... I’ll see him in December for another party he will be attending. So we stay bye, and he tells me to keep in touch. We exchange numbers.
A handful of days later I find out that we’ll both be taking part in a fashion show and so I’ll be seeing more of him than I originally thought. So far I've already seen him 4 times this month.
And yes before you ask I have seen him topless as a result... he has a six pack. I tried not watching him dress, for the most part I succeeded... it did require a constant mental mantra of ‘HE IS 16’ for it to work. He was less obvious when I was changing, and watched me fairly openly. He even touched my abs whilst I’m topless and then ran the tips of his fingers across my abs. Fuck I’m not lying… that almost fully aroused me. I firmly tell him not to touch me again. I’m only wearing tracksuit bottoms at this point and I don’t want to have a raging hard-on... for fuck sake he is still 16. He doesn’t take a step back but instead looks at me and says ‘that’s a lot of hairy bro’. He doesn’t touch me again but he does continue to watch. I quickly change. We were suppose to be finding stuff to wear but I don’t think its wise to be the only ones in the room now, so I grab something and exit the room leaving him there alone.
He follows, but in the hall with so many people around us, his intense focus on me wavers, I’m glad coz that was what I was hoping for. Exactly at that time this girl (also in the fashion show) sports a black Gucci dress (kind of like Posh from days of Spice) and I almost feel my hard-on return.. I’m not kidding she is a sight to behold in that dress. I feel Crush’s arm tug at me and I hear him whisper ‘fuck me’ into my ear. I ignore how close he must be, and I am made painfully aware when I feel his body weight press against my back and right arm. Just for the record this FUCK ME, is not directed at me… its totally directed at that girl. I peel him off me and manage to walk over to the girl and I tell her she looks great, my voice wavers slightly. She smiles and I can see the benefits of being straight for a second or two.
After a while, I tell one or two of the other girls, that certain dresses don’t look so good on them. I find for the most part girls appreciate guys telling them things don’t look good, if they genuinely don’t. One of these girls later tells me she thought I was gay coz I have such a good sense of fashion, I tell her I am. She thinks I’m joking. I ask her why any straight guy would say he is gay. She still thinks I’m joking... I think she is already used to me being so funny all the time. I firmly tell her I am and I’m being serious. She is stunned but says ok. But that’s irrelevant here.
So whilst we’re waiting for the girls to get ready. They’re all too young to drive, so I’ve volunteered to be the designated driver tonight. I’m not sure what the conversation is and how it came down to it, but I lightly punch Crush on the shoulder after making a joke that Crush is like a bad smell that lingers. Before I know what happens Crush reaches down as grabs my crouch, playfully I might add but there was definite contact between my crotch and his hand.. the tracksuit bottoms I’m sporting are fairly thin. I’m not laughing anymore, I’m fairly stunned. I have no idea how to react to such a response. So I deflect his hand and walk to the opposite wall. Thankfully we stay on opposite sides of the wall until the girls return. I drop him off and that is that. I find he touches me more often than he needs to. He always shakes my hand as he leaves, or when I say something funny, or attempts to ‘touch’ (a fist to fist)
On one side he is soo gay and on the other he is soo straight.
It makes me slightly less awkward that he is now 17. But still. He’s still less than legal. As if I don’t have enough confusion in my life. Now as a result of this fashion show I will see him fairly often, once a week and I have no idea how to deal with him, especially coz he is like ‘wow’**.
* Ant being one of the dance instructors at the dance academy.
** wow – meaning: In his words... 'I’d bang him if he were legal'
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Is it me or was that just a fucking great advertisment for gay rights? I must admit I never saw it coming.
I can't remember, why or when, but I do recall talking to Jay about this ages ago, and whilst I personally don't really have an opinion on this subject... I do support the idea that two guys should be able to get married if they so choose to.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
In all honesty coming out has had very little impact on the grand scheme of things, except there are times where living with someone who is clearly homophobic and anti-gay is close to impossible.
When a few months ago my uncle went through the whole tirade of trying to set me with a girl I mentioned some time back, my aunt went about with an air of resignation and truthfully it’s not bothered me at all. What did bother me was that she made some nasty comment about me of going off on holiday with ‘gays’ (as she refers to gay people), which is the ultimate sin in her eyes.
The truth is the opposite though, the holiday this refers to is of course Barcelona, and who I went with was a friend called Sam from university (who is practically engaged to this girl) and his best mate, who spent most of the holiday eyeing up women. But what really ticked me off was that she refuses to acknowledge or realise that at some point that as a gay man that I will undoubtedly go on a holiday with another gay bloke (friend or lover is ultimately relevant) and what I’ve learnt is that when that day comes it will not go well.
I must admit that on that day, when she aired that opinion, I did not take it at all well; in fact I don’t ever think I’ve ever been that angry in my life. I’ve given her both time and space to deal with the whole issue, and whilst I put on an air of nonchalance that day went to prove that I’m not dealing with it as well as I originally had thought. I know I have a vicious temper, but so it so rarely flairs that on that day, my violent and colourful reaction was astonishing and surprising, even to me. That is the first time in my life I have ever swore at her… I called her a ‘bitch’ and told her to ‘just fuck off’ many many times. When I’m angry I try to get away, and when she is angry or upset she confronts and this doesn’t work out very well. In hindsight I think it was very bad of me to have reacted like that, but pent up anger has a way of being uncontrollable. When she replied that she would not tolerate my behaving or speaking to her like that, I was seeing such red that I actually said ‘I don’t give a flying fuck what you think’ - which I think is probably as honest as I could have been at that moment in time.
But back to what this post is actually about - there have also been many days where my brother has pretty much caught on. The whole tension around this subject has not been something invisible. The other day my brother actually asked me point blank if I had told my aunt I was gay. The reason of course was my aunt’s behaviour over the past few weeks.
Anyone on Facebook might have noticed I uploaded some pictures of my trip to Thorpe Park when I wore a bright pink tee shirt. That has been a cause of strife for my aunt. Pink being attributed to women/gay being the reason. So she made a couple of disrespectful comments about guys wearing pink… my brother having very little originality noticed I had a pink tee shirt and immediately afterwards he sported a brand new pink shirt. Man was my aunt pissed.
I’m at my mum’s and my brother comes home from work.
Me: I didn’t know you had a pink shirt
Him: I didn’t… I just got it.
Me: Coz I brought a pink tee shirt?
Him: Yeah (sheepishly). Loads of guys wear pink now.
Aunt: Every male in the household is wearing pink now (very sarcastically and clearly annoyed)
I couldn’t help but laugh. My brother asked me afterwards what the deal was. I said nothing.
A few weeks later, my brother and I were watching brothers and sisters, the first or second episode… and there is a scene where the gay brother is being chatted up by this gay witness, and the conversation is so that the word GAY is said in every sentence. So my aunt walks into the room exactly at this time and practically screams ‘WHAT IS THIS YOU ARE WATCHING THAT HAS SO MUCH GAY IN IT?’ My brother just looks at me and I calmly say ‘Brothers and Sisters’, and with great difficulty refrain from laughing. My aunt is pissed and there is tension so thick in the air that you can cut it with a knife. At the first moment alone that was the point my brother turned to me and asked ‘have you told her your gay?’ I turned to him, half laughing and say ‘yeah’… he just looks at me and says ‘I never know if your joking or not’. I’m now playing with the idea that I should just tell him point blank and seriously! I’ve on many occasions told him indirectly and once he said something and I said ‘you don’t really know me at all’…
But in my mind… I’m not sure he is the best person to tell. He has NEVER been able to keep something to himself… and I’d rather tell my mum myself before she finds out from someone else. I just don’t know how to bring it up in conversation, and since we live such separate lives, and I have little common ground our conversations tend to be quite trivial.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
What could throw me so? A documentary by Steven Fry on HIV that concluded yesterday on the BBC.
I’m not one of those people who might be caught unaware by such a thing, I’m only too conscious of that risk… as a gay man rightly so.
But then I learnt some things that I’m really not sure I wanted to. In specific about about people pos-ing themselves up. Just to be clear that was not posing, but indeed POS-ing. And for those who aren’t aware of that term (I sure as hell wasn’t up until last week) – it refers to the ‘gift’ of HIV being passed from a HIV positive person to a HIV negative person actually wanting to be infected HIV. I use the term gift in inverted commas coz that is how these people think about contracting of HIV. Now I know that there are many many many stupid people out there, but I always thought that there was a limit to people’s stupidity and now I’ve learnt that there really isn’t. Anyone who thinks of HIV as a gift, really and truly needs his or her head examined, just how fucked up are these people? I mean what kind of Neanderthal thinking is that. Are we digressing to cave people?
There was a story featured about one specific HIV negative guy who let five HIV positive guys fuck him bareback, and then used a butt plug to ensure none of the infected semen seeped out, to ENSURE he did indeed get infected.
Then there was mention of a guy who fucked around (without a condom) despite knowing he had HIV.
I'm not sure which specific story that got to me more. I think the first one is the one that made me so sick I threw up and the second makes me so angry I have no words.
Worse the latter, reminds me of a time where I almost had unprotected sex with a complete stranger and the harsh truth of just how much danger I almost put myself in really sinks in... I was so young, that it would have been my first time and what scares me to death was that I would have allowed him to have sex with me without a condom had he insisted, in fact I remember being slightly annoyed he didn't want to fuck me at the time... thankfully it didn't come down to that. Whilst we did have fun... there was no penetration... we were both of heart and mind that our first date would not include sex, though caught in the moment why I choose to ignore that notion I have no idea. And now I'm so very glad thats how events played out...
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Whilst one of my new year’s resolutions is to be honest about being gay if asked about it, I find that I use that as technicality and hide behind it… after all it’s not often that I’d be asked if I am gay, for the simple fact of the matter is I am not camp at all.
To be specific, let me explain. A few weeks back I was working at a Fresher’s Fair (Fresher is the term we give the new starters at a university) and this gay Indian guy walks past our Lloyds TSB stall, stops and asks a question, then he walks off. My colleague turns to me and says ‘its so sad’ – I might not be one to sing hymns about the glory of homosexuality – one thing I don’t do is stand idle and listen to negativity towards gay people, so I asked her to explain what she meant by that. She wasn’t able to explain, she just said it was sad that a Indian guy could be gay… she went further to say it would be sad for her if her son told her that he was gay, and that it concerned her. I asked her that if he was comfortable with it, then why should she be sad for him and but rather should be happy that he was comfortable enough with it to talk to her about it and wouldn’t she want him to ultimately be happy. I asked her if that what she would want from her son… his own happiness and she of course said yes. Having felt successful at getting her to say so I disengaged from the topic! But not before telling her it was up to each person to decide how to life his or her own life.
But I couldn’t help but think that that had been a perfect opportunity to tell her that I was as she had put it living a life that she felt was sad. But I didn’t. She didn’t ask, was what the voice in my head said. See, hiding behind a technicality. I’m kind of kicking myself now.. but what to say… I’m gay or bi?
Also as a side note, my brother asked me if I had told my aunt I was gay? Suffice to say she has been acting rather crude about the whole sexuality thing in public for a couple of weeks, but its bit long and complicated to explain here - so my next post will be about this... just for the record I said 'yes' - not sure if he believed me or not.
Monday, October 01, 2007
1. Does someone love you?
Yes. Everyone loves me. Don’t you all? Please leave comments to this effect ;o)
2. Do you know anyone named Dave?
I know a few Davids that are often refered to as Dave – so yeah.
3. Ever kissed anyone with the name starting with a J?
4. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?
Not mistakenly no! But since I’m so loveable I’ve been adopted into many families, some are even strangers. My ex-managers wife is one such person. I very often get ‘You’re just like my son.’
5. Have you ever tried Propel Calcium Water?
No – any idea what is this?
6. What colour are the walls of your parent’s bedroom?
I honestly don’t know. But my aunt’s are a nice pale shade of green – I choose the wallpaper.
7. Do you think that hair extensions look skanky?
No real opinion on this coz I’ve never really thought about it. Each to their own.
8. Are you named after a grandparent?
No. I’m named after the most famous Punjabi/Indian alive.
9. Say you were given a drug test right now. Would you pass or fail?
Well I’d hope I’d pass.
10. Are you taller than 5′6″?
Not taller, no.
11. Do you know anyone in jail/prison?
Yes. A friend from school called Claire – the youngest woman in the UK to be convicted of rape. See here. It was very sad and shocking coz I knew her very well, and I'd not hesitate to have called her a friend, after all I'd known her since the age of about 8. I guess you really don't know what people are capable of.
12. Ever see a dead body?
13. Do you like the colour green?
14. What is your best friend’s Dad’s name?
15. How old are you?
16. Who was the last person to send you a text message?
Monty (at 1AM UK time) - thankfully I'm fairly nocturnal so I was awake.
17. Ever drove into the ghetto to buy drugs?
Nope. I’d never do drugs.
18. Last restaurant you went to?
Nandos. Yesterday for lunch.
19. What is the weather like today?
Cold and overcast – shortly it will be cold and wet.
20. Last voicemail you received?
My colleague from work asking where the fuck I was. (I was running late)
21. What did you do yesterday?
Went to work, waited for the server to be upgraded. Was so bored that I emptied the back office cabinet and reorganised the entire thing. It took 4 hours so you can see how organised it was to start with.
22. What’s the first thing you would do with five million dollars?
Faint. Then take a world tour.
23. What nationalities are you?
British. Just British.
24. How many hours did you sleep for last night?
Maybe about 3.
25. Any upcoming concerts you want to attend?
None spring to mind. I’d love to see One Republic if they ever come to the UK.
26. Who’s the last person that you felt was stalking you?
A guy called Dennis.
27. Have you ever been on your school’s track team?
Yes. Once, after stupidly actually running in the run around our school’s huge field during PE. Apparently the fact that I was fifth meant I caught the teacher’s eye. If I knew I’d get caught because of that I’d have walked instead.
28. What jewellery are you wearing?
29. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, would you?
30. How much money do you have?
Enough for a rainy day. My instant access account has £500 – which is the only money I allow myself to use – which doesn’t consider the fact that this months credit card bill of £250 remains unpaid or that the £150 fee for my December exams is due. So right now about £100. This isn’t normal but only as a result in buying so many of Northern Rocks shares a couple weeks back.
31. Do you swear at your parents?
Sometimes. I’ve sworn at my dad and my aunt (recently) – I’m a naughty boy.
32. Is your phone right beside you?
Yeah. Within arms reach.
33. Have you cried today?
34. Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
Yes. I received a text from M just yesterday saying that he thinks about me all the time. I replied calling him a nut.
35. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?
No. As far as I’m concerned none of my trainers have laces.
36. What is the colour of your bedsheets?
37. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yes many times.
38. Are you photogenic?
No. I hate virtually all (99%) of any photo of me.
39. What’s your star sign?
40. Where do you spend most of your money?
Games. I’m very childish. Computer and board, alike.
41. What was the last thing you did?
Had a shower.
42. Do you have a tattoo?
Yeah. A pretty big one too. And I’d like to think a pretty nifty one too.
43. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
No I work.
44. Is there a secret you’ve never told any of your friends?
I'm sure I do, but in typical fashion I've probably forgotten it.
45. Have you ever told someone you loved him or her but didn’t mean it?
No. That’s not me. I don’t say the words ‘I love you’ unless I really mean them… and I rarely do fall for someone so strongly.
46. Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
Yes many many many many times. And in the process I’ve learnt I have very little shame and very very skimpy boxers which I really really should never sit down in, without wearing pants unless I want to be arrested for indecent exposure.
47. What are you doing in 2008?
Looking for a job in the world of accountancy.
48. What is your ring tone?
Shayne Ward’s ‘If That’s Okay With You’
49. What were you doing at 2am last night?
Tossing and turning.
50. Are your parents married/divorced/separated?
51. What are you doing tonight?
Visiting a family friend who has been diagnosed with Cancer but is too old and frail to be given any more chemotherapy.
52. What are you doing tomorrow?
Study study study. Mondays is a catch up day.
53. Who did you last message on Facebook/Myspace?
I don’t have a Myspace account! I messaged the brother of a friend (from Dubai) who I met whilst I was in New York last year, during an international dance competition.
54. What’s your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?
I’m not partial to such things.
55. Does it annoy you when someone says they’ll call but never do?
Not really, no.
56. What did you dress up as for your first Halloween?
We don’t really trick or treat here in the UK.
57. Favourite Disney movie?
58. What is the wallpaper on your mobile phone?
A picture of my niece.
* This was written on Sunday morning whilst having breakfast - but didn't get a chance to post until now :o(
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
And truth is I've lost a small fortune over the last few days. I knew the shares were a gamble so its not like I can honestly say I didn't know that might happen.. But today has been a good day.
The shares in Northern Rock are up somewhat - nowhere near what I bought them at but still... its nice to see an increase rather than a fall. Maybe just maybe it might not be a bad decision after all to have bought those blasted shares in the first place.
I'm pissed that the dividend has been cancelled though... yes there will be no dividend this year from the looks of things :o(
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Crazy thing about wanting to watch movies for ages is that they usually don't live up to the hype and end up being a disappointment. However Notes On A Scandal was not one of those movies. It was brilliant. It was fast-paced and acting was top-notch.
I adore Cate Blanchette and Dame Judi Dench - between the two of them they made that movie really engaging... and well a actor called Andrew Simpson was kinda sexy and nice on the eyes... he has the most gorgeous eyes *Sigh* OK OK OK he might have played a 15 year old in the movie but he is 18 in real life so I think its ok to drool (well actually he was 17 when the movie was shot)
Have you seen it? If not - go get it.
Friday, September 21, 2007
My instinct has been telling me for the past few months to buy Northern Rock shares - right now I'm glad I waited - the fact that they dropped from £8 per share to just under £2 per share being the obvious reason. But in the spur of the moment today (actually it wasn't so much spur of the moment as it was a momentary weakness in resistance) - I spent.... well in fact lets just say I spent the bulk of the contents of my immediate access savings account to purchase said shares. Let's just call it a gamble... a rather crude one... but here's to hoping that that decision and Northern Rock share price doesn't live to disappoint.
Up until now... ignoring the fact that my mortgage is with Northern Rock - I've had no real financial tie with the stability or future of Northern Rock - that no longer holds true. I spent quite some time today looking into my share portfolio (as one can imagine) - and I found it rather disturbing that I now have a greater stake in Northern Rock than I do with my employer Lloyds TSB in terms of investment and ownership.
I have yet to decide if this was a foolish decision. I still have faith that Northern Rock will rise like an Phoenix from the fire, fresh from the fire of its destruction... am I deluded?
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
The government's pledge to guarantee all deposits held by Northern Rock in an effort to shore up confidence in the country's fifth-biggest mortgage lender seems to have worked.
Chancellor Alistair Darling, speaking after the stock market closed on Monday, said that if necessary the government and the Bank of England would guarantee all existing Northern Rock deposits during the current instability.
His intervention came after three days which have seen thousands of Britons lining up outside the bank's branches to withdraw their savings, some saying they had no idea where they would move their funds to.
Even the Prime Minister Gordon Brown had put his credibility on the line by taking the unprecedented step of guaranteeing all savings in Northern Rock accounts. The Prime Minister for fuck sake!
Customers at Northern Rock, which provides 1 in 13 British homeloans/mortgages, are estimated to have withdrawn at least 2 billion pounds since Friday when it was rescued by emergency Bank of England funding. Yes thats the Bank of England.
Attempts by Northern Rock's Chief Executive Adam Applegarth, as well as government, bank and regulatory chiefs, to allay customer fears and unease across the financial sector have finally seemed to allay the sense of panic among some account holders.
"The simple fact now is that the chancellor has made it clear that all existing deposits in Northern Rock are fully backed by the Bank and are totally secure during the current instability in the financial markets," Applegarth said in an update posted on the www.northernrock.co.uk Web site.
This morning saw Northern Rock's shares finally bucking the slump that saw them dive 35 percent on Monday following a 31 percent drop on Friday. Thats a drop from twelve quid to three quid in the span of 6 months - by all accounts thats lethal for any Northern Rock share holders. Could an up turn be around the corner?
This was all due to a few sub-prime defaults in America a while back - it would appear when America sneezes the rest of the world catches a cold. Whatever happened to an independent economy?
Updated - here are a couple of shots at the queues outside my local branch of Northern Rock.