Sunday, December 21, 2008

Soul Seared Memoirs

The Dreamer has moved

You'll find me at Soul Seared Memoirs

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Moving On

Howdy folks

I've finally got around to doing it - I've created a new blog.

To be honest I've been thinking about it for ages - in fact as far back as 6 months ago when I changed the name of my current blog to 'imperfections' from 'Waiting For Life...' as most of you are likely to have known it. Simply the reason that was holding me back (apart from time) was that I couldn't think of a name.. well I finally found one.. and I'm sure you'll laugh at how obvious it is when you hear it.

From today onwards you'll find me at Soul Seared Memoirs - as I stated before I have restricted this blog and will only offer access to people or bloggers I know.

I apologise but if I don't know you and you aren't a known blogger within the current bloggers network (linked to friends is okay) than for security purposes (amongst other reasons) you will not be granted access.

As always if you meet the above criteria - please leave a comment on the blog and email me on a_shah1000@hotmail.com

Peace out people - the Soul Seared Dreamer signs his final post herewith on the banks of Waiting For Life...

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Privacy

Unfortunately dire times call for dire responses.

With immediate effect this blog will no longer update.

I will be intending to start a new blog - however I am afraid that this new one will be restricted.

For those that do not know - my email address is a_shah1000@hotmail.com - please email me for access.

I'm sorry to say this but unless I know you in person or are a fellow known blogger - you will not be granted access.

New blog address will follow.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

An empty deck of cards

Well by now those that haven’t realised.. English finally took on board my suggestion to create a blog as an avenue to vent via. For those interested his blog can be found here.

I don’t think anyone who doesn’t or hasn’t ever blogged can ever truly understand just how useful a blog can be. There are no words for how essential my blog has been in shaping the man I am today. I think the fact that the blog can evolve into whatever you want it to be is one of the main reasons why this is so. For me when I first started the blog it enabled me to have a place where I could vent and be myself with a veil to hide my identity.. maybe that helped me voice a part of me that I’d never allowed to voice itself before. And when the time came I was able to shed that veil and bask in the freedom it allowed. Ever since that first moment – a weight had lifted and my very existence began to be shaped by an invisible entity known to you all as the infamous Soul Seared Dreamer. It was as if SSD was everything I had aspired and dared to be.

For those that have been reading English’s blog, or those that are more involved in my life than a blog presence (no offence to any of these people – I love every single one of you) would have known that things between English and I have what can only be known as “shit hittin’ the fan”.

I latently discovered after what to me was a normal routine post that things in my life had changed and I was going to have to rapidly adjust to keep from things imploding. I believe anyone who had subscribed to an RSS Feed (I never even knew this existed until this moment) got a version of the post “Harder Better Faster Stronger” that very few others saw. Essentially English had stated as clear as crystal that there were limits to what he would deem appropriate on my blog. That post he believed inappropriate for the fact that it made our relationship appear less than perfect. Maybe that was a moment when I should have realised that things weren't right and things would undoubtedly go wrong coz what was my only avenue to vent would disappear overnight. I know it might sound stpid but things that would have easily vented out of my system with a blog post had stated to fester and congeal without an avenue to escape. The little irrelevant things became issues and stuff started boiling over until there was nothing left but fire and arguments. This obviously hardly happened overnight and its only in hindsight that I see this.

This post will respect that latent wish and I’ll not touch upon the details behind what it was exactly that lead to the break-up but suffice to say there is soo much more to the break-down than can be summarised or encapsulated within a blog-post. In fact I broke down in front of a friend that will remainless nameless and poured my heart out over a box of tissues, taking up that poor souls' entire day to my sob story. That friend is one of 3 people outside our relationship who know the full-story (and not half-truths) about what happened and none of these have ever questioned or told me to reconsider my decision to break things off with English. One agrees with me that until its impossible I should make every effort to remain a friendship with him whereas the other two stress that I should run a mile. I've never been one to listen to anything more than my heart so I've decided for the time to continue to remain friends but maintain a professional difference and distance as to not give him hope that things could work out in the future.

I know the majority would after this much information prefer I document the entire story but, and I stress this but - I have more respect for English than to sit here and slag him off. He is by far one of the kindest and dearest people in my life, but, alas, our relationship was just not meant to be. Whether this was down to circumstances I'll never know. That is all I'll say on this. If English wishes to disect the relationship woes any further than I'll leave it to him.

Apologises for being so withdrawn of late – my life has had more control of me than I have had of it. I have taken steps to remedy this and whilst progress is likely to be slow and steady.. I hope to return to the world of blogging with renewed fervour. But before that I hope to catch up with the blogs I’ve come to love over the past year or so. Just allow me a bit of time – I’ve made an awful lot of friends and catching up with them will take quite some time.

Peace out people.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Overdue Updates

Contrary to rumour - I am very much alive and well.

I assure you that despite my fundamental desire to blog.. my life has taken on a relentless capacity which gives me neither the time, the energy, nor the frame of mind required to blog.

This is not from a lack of trying. Hell recently I’ve not even been able to keep up to date with the blogs of others. I apologise for that – but unfortunately I’ve partially discovered the negatives of blogging so openly thus the fundamental desire to blog waned. I would like to say that this is over – but I fear this would not be particularly honest.

Nonetheless, I’m sitting here, with a few moments spare, unfortunately I am not home, and the desire to slip into bed remains painfully unattainable – therefore I have considered that maybe I should use this time to write a post.

The last few months have zoomed past me with such ferocity that even at the best of times I swear it feels as if my head spins uncontrollably.

Recent events:

I went to a theme park with English. I had assumed he would be petrified on the rides – but rather it was probably me that was more ruffled by the rides than he was. We bought some pictures which even I gotta admit I really look ruffled in.

I went to Sardinia with 6 mates. X was one of these. I’ve hung around with quite a few of the other five, on several occasions but one rather elusively I’ve not really had much more chance or opportunity to do any more than small talk prior to the holiday. We’ll call this specific one the ‘Rude Boi’, only since he has a tendency to act the part. He has the rude boy earring, the rude boy hair style and rude boy mannerisms. Anyways so Rude Boi and I got along better than I had imagined. In fact I actually got along better with him than X, and spent most of the holiday talking and hanging around with him – which is kinda weird considering than the Rude Boi was accompanied by his boyfriend. Here are a few pictures from out there.



I also went to see Avenue Q, which was kinda fuelled by Monty’s insistence that I should definitely make it a point to see it, as he had seen it whilst he was there and really gave it a wonderful review. I gotta admit it lived up perfectly to the hype.. all I’m gonna say on this is... “the internet is for porn. So grab your dick and double-click for porn-porn-porn!”

I also attended my first Pride. Which was absolutely amazing, especially since I had English with me and thoroughly enjoyed the absolute freedom of being able to hold his hand in public, or being held in his arms so openly! Here are the best pictures from the day.



This guy is so hot [SSD fans himself]

I love this - this was my favourite sign.

This poor bastard actually stuffed a sock in his pants - and OMG it was clearly evident too. I actually felt sorry for him coz I don't think he knew how obvious it looked.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Harder Better Faster Stronger

I saw this video on YouTube – my friend T sent me the link and I think its incredible. Check it out - it starts a bit slow but hang about its well worth it



Additionally I’ve been listening to the 2008 Eurovision Songs.

I’m especially in love with these three (in the order listed)

Armenia's Qele Qele.

Israel's The Fire In Your Eyes.

Greece's Secret Combination.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Kehna Hi Kya - What Is There To Say

This whole weekend, and the build up to it, has been particularly trying and emotive. As always the middle of June is a difficult time in my life. Yesterday 10 whole years marked the most significant day in my life. My uncle’s death.

Thankfully English helped preserved my fragile state with sweet texts and messages at intervals when I desperately needed every ounce of strength I could muster. English feed me strength in abundance, as did most of the friends that I’ve opened up to about it.

The need to remain busy ate away at me today as I refused to let my thoughts wander. I was out of bed at 6AM and have not stopped moving at sonic pace since.

The other day when I was in my uncle’s car I noticed his copy of the Bombay Soundtrack, and I brought it home with me. Feeling somewhat needful of music, I inserted the CD and specifically allowed ‘Kehna Hi Kya’, the track I borrowed the disk for, to fill my room. With the speakers & boombox at close to max, mentally I began to unravel the words, with each repeat, the English words staying in mind. Normally when I listen to Hindi music I allow the Hindi to wash over me without really attempting to unravel what exactly the song means. However, today with the need to keep my mind busy, I allowed myself to break the song down as much as possible whilst I cleared through the dust and piles saturating my room.

Whilst it is one of my all time favourite songs, I never realised fully what anything more than the title meant. Which if you’re wondering means ‘What is there to say’!

Since I’ve already broken it down and feel weary and don’t really fancy writing a real post today I thought I’d put up a translation of the song.

So here it is – the English translation of ‘Kehna Hi Kya’ - apologies if its not perfect – its fairly elite Hindi.

Gumsum gumsum gup chup, gumsum gup chup
Gumsum gumsum gup chup, gumsum gup chup
Halchal halchal ho gayi teri, honth hai tere chup
Khalbal khalbal ho gayi teri, baithi hai tu gupchup
Pyaare pyaare chehre lekar dediya ishaara
Dekha teri aankhon mein hai sapna koi pyaara
Humse gori naa tu sharma, kehde humse zara
Humse gori naa tu sharma, kehde humse zara.


Silent and secretive, silent and secretive
Silent and secretive, silent and secretive
You are all shaken, yet your lips are silent
You are clearly disturbed, yet you sit there silently
But your lovely face betrays you
We all see that there are sweet dreams in your eyes
Don't be shy fair one, tell us what has transpired
Don't be shy fair one, tell us a little of what has happened.

Kehna hi kya yeh nain ek anjaan se jo mile
Chalne lage mohabbat ke jaise yeh silsile
Armaan naye aise dil mein khile, jinko kabhi main naa jaanoon
Voh humse, hum unse kabhi naa mile, kaise mile dil naa jaanoon
Ab kya kare, kya naam le, kaise unhe main pukaaroon?


What is there to say, my eyes met with a stranger
Instantly it were as if a love story has started
Desires that I never knew before, are blooming in my heart
If he and I have never met, I don’t know how have our hearts have met
What do I do now, what name shall I take, how do I call out to him?

Pehli hi nazar mein kuch hum, kuch tum ho jaate hai yun gum
Nainon se barse rim jhim, rim jhim humpe pyaar ka saavan
Sharm thodi thodi humko aaye to nazarein jhuk jaayen
Sitam thoda thoda humpe shok hawa bhi kar jaaye
Aisi chali, aanchal ude, dil mein ek toofaan uthe
Hum to lut gaye khade hi khade.


At first sight, both you and I got a little lost
A shower of love fell dripping from our eyes
As I got a little shy, my eyes shied away facing downwards
The mischievous breeze teases me
Such a storm brewed in my heart, that my draped sari flew
I was totally taken, whilst simply standing.

Kehna hi kya yeh nain ek anjaan se jo mile
Chalne lage mohabbat ke jaise yeh silsile
Armaan naye aise dil mein khile, jinko kabhi main naa jaanoon
Voh humse, hum unse kabhi naa mile, kaise mile dil naa jaanoon
Ab kya kare, kya naam le, kaise unhe main pukaaroon?


What is there to say, my eyes met with a stranger
Instantly it were as if a love story has started
Desires that I never knew before, are blooming in my heart
If he and I have never met, I don’t know how have our hearts have met
What do I do now, what name shall I take, how do I call out to him?

Gumsum gumsum gup chup, gumsum gup chup
Gumsum gumsum gup chup, gumsum gup chup
Halchal halchal ho gayi teri, honth hai tere chup
Khalbal khalbal ho gayi teri, baithi hai tu gupchup
Pyaare pyaare chehre lekar dediya ishaara
Dekha teri aankhon mein hai sapna koi pyaara
Humse gori naa tu sharma, kehde humse zara
Humse gori naa tu sharma, kehde humse zara.


Silent and secretive, silent and secretive
Silent and secretive, silent and secretive
You are all shaken, yet your lips are silent
You are clearly disturbed, yet you sit there silently
But your lovely face betrays you
We all see that there are sweet dreams in your eyes
Don't be shy fair on, tell us what has transpired
Don't be shy fair one; tell us a little of what has happened.

In honthon ne maanga sargam, sargam tu aur tera hi pyaar hai
Aankhen dhoonde hai jisko har dam, har dam tu aur tera hi pyaar hai
Mehfil mein bhi tanha hai dil aise, dil aise
Tujhko kho naa de, darrta hai yeh aise, yeh aise
Aaj mili aisi khushi, jhoom uthi duniya yeh meri
Tumko paaya to paayi zindagi.


These lips begged for a melody, that melody is you and your love
That which these eyes have ceaselessly searched for is you and your love
Even in a crowd, my heart feels lonely,
As though, it fears that it might lose you.
I got such happiness today, that my whole world is dancing
When I found you I found life.

Kehna hi kya yeh nain ek anjaan se jo mile
Chalne lage mohabbat ke jaise yeh silsile
Armaan naye aise dil mein khile, jinko kabhi main naa jaanoon
Voh humse, hum unse kabhi naa mile, kaise mile dil naa jaanoon
Ab kya kare, kya naam le, kaise unhe main pukaaroon?
Kehna hi kya yeh nain ek anjaan se jo mile
Chalne lage mohabbat ke jaise yeh silsile
Kehna hi kya?


What is there to say, my eyes met with a stranger
Instantly it were as if a love story has started
Wishes that I never knew before, are blooming in my heart
If he and I have never met, I don’t know how have our hearts have met
What do I do now, what name shall I take, how do I call out to him?
What is there to say, my eyes met with a stranger
Instantly it were as if a love story has started
What is there left to say?

Find below the video for the song

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Anti-Dating

When is a date not a date?

That is the million-dollar question!

Clearly the answer is when you get English and SSD together.

Further to the tension caused by my cancelling on him earlier this week, the benefit of English’s weird wacky attempt at dramatising the situation (I am not hesitant to stress that he did have good reason to throw a hissy-fit), was that, his hissy-fit illustrated to me just how much I have truly come to care for this guy.

And well the hissy-fit also gave me the much needed kick on the tush required to ensure that (as Monty so eloquently put it) I nurture our fledgling relationship appropriately.

Thus comes date 3.

But truth is I no longer feel like the terms ‘date’ or ‘dating’ apply to English and I anymore.

Dashing ‘Mr I’m SOOOO in LOVE with SSD’ presented me with a set of keys to his err I mean 'OUR' flat (his words not mine).. and we discussed being exclusive.

So there you have it ladies and gents the notoriously flirty SSD has been nabbed by a cute English lad who goes by the name English. Hands up who thinks he is up to the task of handling a wily Chipmunk like me? Personally I don’t think he has realised what the hell he has got himself into. Poor lad ;o)

PS – My boyfriend whispered ‘I love you’ in my ear when we were huddled under his duvet. Oh yeah.. before I forget... I spent the night at his AGAIN.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Momentum Continued

I've found that things said in the heat of the moment have an annoying habit of wrecking things.

I suppose that is one of life's lessons.

Another lesson I've learnt is that English is adorable.. and yes siree I adore him for it. Some of the emails I recieved today made me wanna digitally transfer myself into an electric pulse and bear hug him on the other end. Alas I couldn't despite trying.

[SSD stares into space dreamily]

Monday, May 26, 2008

Momentum

Lately things have been a blur.

When I stop and try to wonder where time has gone.. my mind draws a blank.. its almost like the months between January and April disappeared within a blink of an eye.

Things with English are going well.. sometimes I feel I need to slow things down with him coz the momentum I feel with him is so intense I no longer feel in control and for the first time in ages my emotions and heart are leading the way. I should be worried but the strangest thing is I’m not in the slightest. I feel no reservations in telling him I miss him and I’m glad that he doesn’t hide that he is missing me either. The last week or so he has done a pretty amazing job in reminding me that I’m not as stone-hearted as I’d come to think. I think I'm falling for him.

But – and yes there is always a but - I’m afraid that he doesn’t get me and that makes me wanna hold back.. the constant need for me to please everyone that drags me down especially when I know I’m not able to do this is the main thing that plays on my mind. He wants me to spend time and stay over at his.. I want to do this too.. but my family commitments & my aunt's health are big consideration and it makes me unable to follow my heart all the time. Take tonight for example. My aunt dropped the bombshell on me that tomorrow my cousin is going to drop his 2 girls off at my place and that she has taken the day off work to babysit them and whilst it was planned a week in advance I only just found out. She knows as I do.. that she can't handle two young girls for the whole day and yet she takes on the responsibility of this and expects me to help out. This is my family.. how can I say no? But I had made plans with English & since I didn’t spend any of the long weekend with him (I didn’t want to piss the family off be being out over the Bank Holiday) I was really looking forward to this evening out with English but with the whole staying over a huge issue for my aunt I thought I’d give her some time to adjust before pressing that issue again. So it was doubly hard for me.. first was having to tell him that I wouldn’t spend the night at his and second upon the bombshell being delivered that I would have to cancel the evening (my aunt expressly stated I should get home as early as possible.. she even suggested I take the afternoon off).

This obviously - the short notice & the fact that I had to cancel my plans caused friction between my aunt and I and we ended up screaming at each other.. me telling her that she doesn’t take into consideration anyone else but herself and her telling me I don't care about my family. I was really quite upset afterwards and I knew it would be worsened coz I knew English would be upset when I told him I had to cancel.. but I was really hurt by his reaction and I’m not gonna lie it brought tears to my eye. I just.. I don’t know why.. I know I shouldn’t have.. but I just expected more from him than that.

Right now I’m just so angry at myself for everything. Everything. I feel like I’m never cut a break.

Anyways I’m gonna try being positive.

I’ve finally settled into my new job in virtually every respect. There was a time when I felt a little out of my depth, but this didn’t mean I wasn’t enjoying it, quite the opposite really.. I’ve been thoroughly enjoying the challenge and loving the fact that virtually everyday I learn something new.

One of my girlfriends blasted me just the other day claiming I have been a crap friend lately.. which I’m gonna say has been a pretty good approximation. With recent priority being focused on ACCA exams & job hunting.. I had put a hold on many of the things I enjoyed watching and as a result I was lagging behind on all my favourite TV shows. So in recent weeks I’ve been trying to catch up on Smallville S7, Stargate SG1 S10, Stargate Atlantis S3, Heroes S2, & 24 S6. Recently the focus has been on Heroes.. I watched Season 1 again and watched Season 2 for the first time.. rock on Season 3 I say. This weekend in the spare time I’ve just started watching 24. Man I’m only 3 episodes in but whoa its kicked off amazingly.

ON a side note - I’ve been reading Gregory David Roberts’ Shantaram – its an amazing read but whilst I’ve gotten almost 400 pages in.. I’m finding it awfully difficult to finish coz I’m barely half way. What I really wanna read is the next Dan Brown. Damn can’t he release something?

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

English Style

Apologies all.. I know I've been neglecting EVERYONE'S blog.. but please bear with me I will catch up with y'alls blogs when I have a minute to call my own.

I'm sure I've mentioned already that English reads my blog. Well suffice to say he read the last post and being as sarcastic as I am.. he wrote me a fairly sarcastic email of the second date... which was in essence meant to mirror my tongue-in-cheek rendition of the first date.

I'm gonna be honest here.. I doubt I would have had time to write up the second date for another week or so.. coz frankly my life is like a rollercoaster right now and I barely have time to breath.

So here is English's version of what MY blog post would read had I written it. So just to be clear, it's him writing from my perspective. Whilst he had written the whole thing in humour.. it's all true.. except it was HIM who kept calling me HONEY and NOT me. Just so we're clear.

So here goes:

Dear Diary

I met English yesterday; again I found him chasing ambulances outside one of the hospitals in my NHS Trust. If I didn’t know better, I’d have thought he was one of those no-fee injury lawyers dating for a quick buck. Getting you up to speed, we’ve been texting one another like crazy over the last week; the feeling of him remotely causing a vibration in my trouser pocket even kept the granny sitting next to me on the bus one day entertained.

Anyway, all went well until he realised 5 seconds later that he’d left his house keys at work. We trundled down the river path and he hurdled the front door while I got gawped at outside by someone I thought was flirting; only later did I hear that I got mistaken for one of English’s youth centre kids. Well, hey do I really come off with first impressions that young and friendly or does everyone want to give me charity!?!

The sun was shining, though the wind made me hide beneath my hoody in a style that would have had even the most covert James Bond questioning his identity. Wandering along the river towards English’s pad, across the bridge, up the street and finally over the threshold saw me ripping off my jacket, flinging off my shoes and socks and err... collapsing on his couch in front of the telly. I was getting déjà vu of our first date where I had this inner feeling of being relaxed and didn’t think twice about making myself feel at home. No wonder you readers must have an impression of me as a ???? but enough of that.

Conversation started to flow and later we look at our clocks to find that we’ve been chatting for 3 hours without grabbing dinner. For those curious readers, yes I’d already managed to find an excuse for siding up against him – he’d opened the window wide when we got home and this hot blooded star gave the “I’m cold” line, always works. Oh well, my reputation precedes me, the gear stick was again in first, it seemed like I was driving an automatic.

They say you can’t keep hunger locked up till lunch so we trundled out to Domino’s and this gave me the ideal opportunity to impress with my flirty ways. My arm round him, seedy talk and the usual forward thinking moves ensured I kept ahead of the game. Waiting for the pizza, we headed off to a supermarket to get a few drinks and passing the milk counter gave me the chance to learn how farmers drain their cows from their teats – this was proving to be a truly educational night out!

Back at home (yeah, I called it home, shock horror shock) we crashed in the lounge with pizza but English fumbled around his drawers for a mission impossible he came out (err, not that way) with two crackers and was insistent that I stand from the sofa. Yeah, you’ll have all guessed that some weird innuendo is imminent. We pulled these crackers and the room received a golden shower of sorts – the crackers were full of glossy love hearts, the usual jokes and a gift. Our love sprawled across the floor, laughter and a pair of handcuffs in my hand what else could I do? Lucky that English came away with a silver padlock to lock up all life’s little mysteries.

It was no to Pretty Woman and yes to Enemy of the State reflecting from the telly in the wall mirror (mirrors? yeah, more of that to come later, they are great for vain little me). My 16” waistline was feeling leaner than a drainpipe so it was time to hit the calorie-laden pizza with gnawing fangs till I could eat no more; we didn’t even touch the fresh hot chocolate brownies. English decided to tuck into something else brown for dessert and I’ll tell you that by this time that more than my face and hands were uncovered; I’d peeled back the layers like a hotel housemaid determined to clock off shift. Will Smith wasn’t getting much attention as two expeditioners were making headway down a large gorge on the sofa. They say dragons have tongues and my tattoo a head start; there was more resuscitation practice than on the set of ER. I was checking my casualty’s airways for some hours looking for chest movement, listening for sounds of breathing and feeling for my casualty's breath on my cheek. More than a few minutes passed and I’ll have to bare you the gory details but suffice to say that later I found myself being carried to the bedroom with my legs wrapped around his waist, a real belt-er (pardon the cheesey pun)!

Over and under, to the left and to the right, backwards and forwards. I forgot how difficult guys make lying in a flat double bed; we’d completed the assault course and become black belts in karate. Frisky fingers wandered like a spider across my back, tantalisingly ticklish and caused me to squirm like a princess (shucks, did I say that?) The temperature was hot’ing up, steam could have been forming on the windows and English whispered in my ear, we’re not having ??? (hmm three letters, you know) until we’re in a relationship since “he respected me more than a quick shag”. Damn, how could a man turn ME down, how naff was that? We talk and cuddle, cuddle smooch and talk, the hours pass and it’s suddenly 3am.

Now if there’s one thing that’s impossible in life, it’s falling asleep horny as a Tasmanian Devil. There we were, the two angels bearing the ethics of a 50-year married couple excitable as piranhas trying to catch some shut eye but we simply couldn’t. English and I became giggling girls, horny tigers and rampant rhinos eager to please one another – it was kind of weird; there we were being all intimate yet incredibly courteous and relaxed almost as though we’d known each other a hundred years. Words such as honey, hubby and husband slipped from my lips at English several times unannounced so maybe English had found the answer to his question “do you believe in love?”

To cut a long story short, after all we had another 3 hours to burn before getting up, I’ll leave readers to imagine our exploits that preceded English carrying me in a hug into the bathroom where it wasn’t my hands spreading coconut shower gel down my front and back but some stranger that I’d woken up beside. We dressed, snogged and left but before I head off, I’ll have to tell you about my adopted baby-self. English has no doubt caught his eyes on my blog and remembered I’m that the stars find me a leo because what did I find dropped in the bowels of my bag as I left? A soft cuddly lion with Eng-GRRR-land emblazed across his chest – now I have my English lion at home.


Guys doesn't he write as well as I?

Hands up for those who agree he needs his own blog.. so he can write his own posts.. and not mine.

PS - the cracker that he made me pull on revealed about 150 plus little red hearts that exploded out of the valentine cracker.. it was like the most romantic thing EVER I swear (shock horror.. he made SSD blush in embarassment). He's is so romantic.. sometimes I feel the need to make sure he isn't a girl and really does have a penis (I've seen it & it is real).

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

English Potatoes

Averagely speaking, my longest date has been 3-4 hours long. That’s when we do a movie or dinner. I can chat for England but conversation on a date should be a two-way thing.. if my date fails to communicate with me suitably after an hour or so of being out with them, they immediately get a mental rejection (shy people are given an hour to loosen up.. beyond that they get no preferential treatment over other people). Try as I may to find something.. there is nothing worse than awkward silences during a date. I’m gonna be honest here.. I tend to foster the awkward silences occasionally.. and wait to see if my date is capable of filling the silence.. it’s almost like a test for me.

Suffice to say my latest date passed my first date tests with flying colours. I met up with English outside one of the Hospitals (within the Trust) I work for, as he works right across the road, off the embankment area nearby. My first impression of him was ‘FUCK’. Seriously he was soooo serious looking. We then headed towards Leicester Square and made ourselves comfortable on the wet grass. OK truth here is English made himself comfortable and I made myself pretty uncomfortable.. but after a while I stopped worrying about the wet patch that had worked its way through my trousers, into my boxing shorts and started to give me a clammy bottom (just for clarity this was not easy), its times like this I realise just how image conscious I am. Anyways, after a while, English lightened down fairly fast, so he kept my attention longer than I expected him to. When the security geezer came and chased us off the grass we moved onto the stone stab nearby chasing the little ray of sunshine that lingered over the tall buildings surrounding the square.

It was nice talking to him. We acquainted each other with some details of ours lives, we joked and teased each other. For some reason he thought I was a slutty guy. I’m not sure he believed me when I told him his bed post has more knocks than mine, which boils down to my aversion of casual sex and one-night-stands.

I’m not sure how long we sat there, but when it felt like the sun was starting to set, we moved onto a quest to find somewhere to eat. We’d kinda agreed on Nandos earlier so we toddled over to Firth Street, where I was pretty certain there was one. But since I usually place reliance on X whilst I’m in Central (more often than not), when I arrived on Firth Street I thought maybe I was wrong. A very quick call to X clarified my position and within a few seconds Nandos was located. OK I know ringing X was kinda not appropriate on a first date but hell it was the easiest way to solve the problem at hand.

Having ‘cuisined’ at such a posh establishment we walked several miles in circles in a quest for both air and somewhere to have a drink.. but everywhere seemed heaving and we decided as a last resort to frequent G.A.Y Late. There was entertainment to be had when one of the guys there seemed to think he was right out of Riverdance. Watching him was very entertaining, you can’t help but laugh when you see someone who thinks he is a good dancer but really isn’t. Hell I do admire his balls for dancing without a care in the world though. There was a guy literally fornicating with another guy right in front of where we were sat (shortly afterwards it will be a pot kinda calling kettle black situation but oh well it is as it is). I’m a big fan of creature comforts and man do I like to get comfy. He might have been a date but well there is nothing more comfortable then being pressed against another guy, so whilst we were seated I was sat leaning into English, with my right shoulder firmly resting against his left shoulder, and my right leg draped over his left leg. What to say.. I had made myself comfortable.. and comfortable it (err maybe ‘he’ is more applicable) was. Fornicating guy for some strange reason decided that we made a cute couple and decided to take photographs of us in said position. I swear this was a complete stranger. Obviously I didn’t have the heart to tell him we were merely on our first date. Actually in hindsight.. the proximity and positioning of my body in relation to his was not really akin to one who was on his first date. It’s nice to know even this early I am that comfortable with him. There are guys I’ve been on dates with, that I’ve not had more contact with than a handshake.

Now I know I’m a fairly forward creature but I NEVER kiss a guy first. I’ll let the other party know I’ll be recipient but will never make the first move. This situation was no different. Although for a little while I think he was possibly doing the same thing. Our positioning allowed our faces to be fairly close to each other, and well for each minute that went by I was staring into his eyes for at least 40 seconds. It was cute. At one point he leaned in and I thought that’s it.. he is gonna kiss me. I braced myself but he did the cutest thing ever instead. He rubbed his nose against mine. It was gentle and it was playful and he definitely earned himself a brownie point for surprising me. The kiss came a short while later. It was hot and sweaty and I could taste his salty sweat all the while, he pressed all the right buttons (he kissed my neck – I can’t resist that) and immediately I felt like the Lion within rear its head and roar and autopilot kicked in and English had to remind me that we were in a public place & the club was not the most appropriate for such behaviour, which was a good thing as I had started to strip him. He was kinda lucky he was wearing jeans and it was difficult to get his cock out. Public place or not.. when I’m turned on.. I’m an animal. Trust me.. the last person that turned me on got a bruise on his neck. Time continued onwards but straddled as English was by me, with his hand in my trousers caressing my cock.. I was in no specific hurry to leave.

However, that said as I had work the next morning, and as it approached 2AM I felt the need to call it a night. Reluctantly and I stress reluctantly I told English I wanted to leave! For some strange reason.. and I’m not sure why.. English felt the need to text me (and not just say it out loud) the following: “You can stay at mine if you need. I’ll jump on the sofa while you have the bed. Just shower and commute in the morning x”.

Damn what a conflict that created in my head. I really really wanted to go.. but the little voice that warns me against these things resisted. I told him I’d think about it as we walked towards Piccadilly Circus. I needed to pee so we headed to Soho and the open street urinals on the street outside The Village. Having relieved myself, I found English who presented me with a rose. It was so like a scene out of a movie. I have no idea where or how he got it in the minute he left my sight. Decision made I told him I would stay at his place.. even though I knew that the commute to work from his would be really shite the next morning. Waiting at the bus stop I think the conflict playing within me might have been evident but finally the voice won me over and I decided that for tonight it would be best to head home. Being the sweet guy that he is, he offered to walk me to my bus stop, and I totally cringed that he willingly missed his bus to ensure I had both company whilst I waited and that I was safely on the bus. How does one thank someone for such sweet and compassionate behaviour? Finally the bus arrived and I gave him a hug and kiss to say goodnight. All the whilst, riding that stupid bus I regretted not heading to his place with him. But I think I did the right thing considering I had work a mere few hours later.

And thus ended my first date with English.

Now whilst I don’t think its love at first sight.. I really did enjoy his company and look forward to getting to know him better.. I think I might be onto a sane one here. He seems to have the qualities I rank pretty high in my essential list:
1. a decent personality
2. a decent personality (this had double importance)
3. the ability to make me laugh and keep me entertained
4. the ability to converse and not bore me
5. charms and looks

The only downside is he doesn’t have any tattoos.. but oh well.. it doesn’t mean I can’t brand him with one at some point down the line (“,)

On a side note, since this post is starting to be all English English English and we can’t have that.. I met Rebel on Thursday. Absolutely loved meeting him. Just as he was starting to puzzle out the complication that is my life.. guess who we bumped into? None other than The Potato! Normally Potato is very shy and I have to force conversation out of him, but instead he talked and talked and talked. Rebel might not appreciate me saying this out loud but Rebel agreed that Potato is ‘very likeable’.. he is cute and charming and is the sweetest guy alive. OK he hates me calling him sweet so I’m not stressing that. Potato was off to see a movie and invited me and Rebel along.. but alas I couldn’t go. We parted ways and shortly after bumped into his friend and him on their way to the cinema. I though he might be able to direct me to an ASK or something. His friend was very helpful but the nearest ASK was some distance away. Rebel and I made each a bit of a challenge when we both disagreed whether or not Potato’s friend was gay or straight. Rebel said straight and I said gay. Unsurprisingly when I asked Potato he informed me that his mate was indeed gay. This is the point where I would point at Rebel and say ‘I TOLD YOU SO’.

Potato went further and stated the following: “My friend thought you are good-looking”.. to which I resisted the urge to respond with “I thought your friend was good-looking too”. FYI: he was most definitely good-looking but I didn’t even catch the poor geezer’s name.

Since then Potato has been texting me loads. I find I enjoy this rather much. The other day I clocked about 50 messages.

OK this post is getting far too long now so I’m sign off now.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

English & The Princesses**

This is one of them posts.. you post knowing you should edit as you write but don’t.. coz you don’t want to limit what you write. Damn its not cool when you blog about someone that reads your blog. Apologies English.. this post is mostly about you.

I wish when someone asked me a simple and direct question .. that I would have the balls required to answer it just as simply and directly as it was asked. Without adding layers of intrigue to the answer.

Cue: Enter English *

English asked me one such a question yesterday evening that I felt slightly defensive and went all anal with the way I answered (only with hindsight I might add). I think with my high spirits that fair evening it was more reflex than anything else.

The question English asked - Do you believe in love?

Now in hindsight.. it was a yes or no answer kind of question? I see that now but my answer at the time seemed more suited to a different question.

It did however make me think of many things from the past.. that tend to get misplaced in the recesses of one’s mind. Love gone by, love that never happened, love that could have been, unrequited love, etc.

Oh before I forget.. I believe I responded with “people mistake infatuation with love”. Which whilst true.. didn’t really answer the question he asked.

Oh and as a side note he called me condescending in the sweetest light hearted of ways. I think he has me mapped down rather well.

Hmmm not sure what else to say on this at the moment... I asked him to join me for dinner this Thursday (since that was the only day I was free this week) but alas he asked me to do Friday. Thankfully I was able to talk my way out of my original plans and reschedule it.

Moving on.

The Bank Holiday was really good. Not sure where it went to be honest. It was my niece’s birthday on Friday but with work, nursery and stuff.. we left celebrating it until Saturday. When we cut a cake and opened presents and stuff. Sunday essentially my brother and I spent the day painting and decorating her room. When she was younger she went through an obsession with Winnie The Pooh, now that’s kinda moved on towards Snow White and the Disney Princesses. So whilst her original room was yellow (for Winnie), the new design is pink. I’m so damn proud of how well it turned out I’ve attached a video recording of it. Yes I think this will be the first time I’ve ever attached my own video and the first time my voice will feature on my blog (yes I talk during the video coz my niece asks me a question.. FYI: I did not originally intend to). And finally Monday was spent taking my niece to the local park and chauffeuring my mum and aunt to a couple of places. All in all it was a beautiful relaxing long weekend.

video

I was a bit bummed out Monday evening when I realised that English has invited me to a BBQ that I couldn’t make, and even when another mate texted me to say I was sorely missed at his do that evening and everyone was asking where I was.

I had originally intended to arrive home early with the intent of going to bed at a decent hour, but then the Celeb that I mentioned before here (the one that has X wrapped around his finger) rang me and demanded that I should come out and see his new car. Kinda bored and looking for company I agreed. Got home checked mail and spoke to English on MSN (yes it’s quite an achievement to find me on MSN nowadays). Finally come 10.30PM I jumped in the new car with the Celeb and he took me for a ride into Central London and as usual flirted so outrageously with me that it took all my resistance to not show how many buttons he was pressing. We stepped outside of the car near Tower Bridge and walked for a bit. I got annoyed after the 5th or 6th person asked him for his autograph. When he noticed this he wisely suggested we go back to his car and we drove back, with him continuing his flirty mannerisms. X has warned me away from him on many occasions, as have many other mutual friends, but maybe it’s just me trying to find the good in everyone that I don’t see him as the villain everyone else seems to see. Rather I see a person whose own fame has cornered him and will never relent as far as his sexuality goes and that actually makes me feel sorry for him. He is a gay man trapped in a straight lifestyle that would destroy his career if he came out.

Ironically X texted me at 1AM (10 minutes after I got in) and the following conversation ensued...

X: Be careful he’ll try to screw you. I don’t wanna loose you like I lost ******, you mean more to me. I knew he was gonna call you tonight. I’m not even kidding.

Me: I recall the whole ****** thing. And I’m well aware of his MO. I seriously doubt he could come between us. So don’t worry Donut you mean plenty to me too, and I won’t let him mess that up.

X: Its not you I don’t trust it’s him. He isn’t happy right now with me pulling back, and I’m just worried he’ll put you in an awkward position. It’s a scary thought that I might lose you and I just can’t deal with that. Anyways good night. I’m sorry to bother you. Nite x

I really don’t know why I do this to myself.

* I fear English may not have realised the life of a blogger means many things get posted minus personal details like names, etc.

** The alternative title of this post is - Riding In Cars With Celebs.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Alpha-Male-Bets

How very interesting.

I’m being pursued by three guys. This was two until a few days ago.

With all things considered I have happily slotted S into a friends category (I’m not sure he knows this) coz he rang me earlier today and flirted most outrageously with me on the phone. He even hinted that Cumberland Hotel was only a stone throw away from where I work and we could and I quote “go there and have some adult fun”… most interesting from someone who doesn’t consider himself gay for half of the year. Ty I think you’re ‘eh’ just about sums up what I think of this. Still one doesn’t completely throw aside a fit guy wanting to get into your pants.

Then there is V who I haven’t mentioned yet. Yes.. Rebel is right.. my life has become akin to an alphabetical maze. V is too shy to say he likes me, and too shy to ask me out. Which is just as well.. coz there is like zip romantic attraction there. He has on the flip side invited me out a couple of times when he has been in Soho. He is the most unlikely person who’d tell you they were gay. When I first saw him I was taken aback.. “YOU GAY. NO WAY!”

Finally there is Potato (well the nickname I’ve given him is in Hindi and translates to Potato in English), and I only call him this coz it’s a play on his name and sounds kinda sweet. This guy is nice, not the best looking guy in the whole but in the strangest way somehow has caused me to fancy him ever so slightly. Which is a huge step-up from my first impression of him… when he looked completely doped out and when I held out my hand to shake his.. I was grossed out coz his hand was moist and it kinda felt like I had touched slime. Eeeek. So he is definitely making progress as far as I'm concerned. But annoying Mr Potato is also very shy and if things were to escalate.. they would very likely be initiated by me. Seriously guys.. if you like someone.. tell them.. flirt with them.. shy is so boring and so 1990s. Grow balls already.

And moi? I’m pursuing zero guys at the moment.

This does not mean I’m not seeing anyone.. just not pursuing anyone. I have two pending dates. Proper dates.

I had to cancel one coz I was feeling very ugly without contacts last week (I have another one of those imfamous eye infections) and I’m very self-conscious when I’m wearing specs despite everyone telling me I look intellectual, brooding and sexy. Anyways about the guy he is so the complete opposite to any guy I’ve ever been out with. I think he is gonna bore me to death, after I asked him out and arranged a date, we got talking and I’ve never been that bored in a conversation ever. But he still gets one more chance. So not sure this has any potential.

And the other one is less date more sex crazed loon wanting to get into my pants.. seriously the guy wouldn’t take no for an answer when I turned his date request down. I must admit I do admire that trait so after about ten minutes (yes he persistently asked me out for ten minutes straight).. so I said yes. Date to be confirmed but he got my number. Amusingly, he took my phone, rang his number from it, stored his number as 'sexy guy' in my phone and then traced my number on his and miss-called me.. before he left. Whilst I don't like him at all, or think there is any potential.. I do like his style.

I’m sure someone will ask how X fits into this.. well X is totally exempt of all this drama.. him and I have the world’s weirdest relationship ever. We’re like boyfriends without the sex, drama or emotional attachment. It’s weirdly perfect... plus he is starting to feel very much like my best-friend and less potential-boyfriend material.. and to be honest I've been trying to set him up with a mutual friend.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Tagged by Rebel

I don't post often.. and then I post twice in a day.

Thanks to Rebel, I've been tagged. I must admit.. its been a while since my last tag.. and its just as annoying as I recall it being. LOL.

So HOW DOES IT WORK: Well come up with a song that aptly describes the situations detailed.. it has to relate to YOUR life.

Here goes:

Opening credits: What I Am (Eminem)

Waking up: Feed Your Mind (Oakenfold featuring Spitfire)

Average day: You Gotta Be (Des’ree)

First date: Stop Falling (Pink)

Falling in love: I knew I loved You (Savage Garden)

Love scene: My Love (Kele Le Roc)

Fight scene: Murder On The Dancefloor (Sophie Ellis-Bextor)

Breaking up: Piece By Piece (Katie Melua)

Getting back together: Unbreak My Heart (Toni Braxton)

Secret love: Should’ve Never (Jennifer Lopez)

Life's okay: With Arms Wide Open (Creed)

Mental breakdown: Tourniquet (Evanescence)

Driving: Damn Girl (Justin Timberlake)

Learning a lesson: I Learnt From The Best (Whitney Houston)

Deep thought: Guess I Was A Fool (Another Level)

Flashback: Two Beds & A Coffee Machine (Savage Garden)

Partying: Sway (Shaft)

Happy dance: Umbrella (Rihanna)

Regretting: So Sick (Ne-Yo)

Long night alone: Transatlanticism (Death Cab For Cutie)

Death scene: Gotta Go (Trey Songz)

Closing credits: Home (Michael Buble)

Now thats done.. who to tag?

For now I'm not gonna tag anyone.. but this may change in time.

Although that said.. anyone who reads this post should automatically consider themselves tagged.. yeah I think that reads better. EVERYONE IS TAGGED

[SSD laughs evilly]

S

Introducing: S

Grit. That’s something I really admire.

So when someone has the balls to give me their number.. I’m impressed and they get mucho brownie points.

Take S for instance.

S sends me a message and I quote “fuck you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sexyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I mean it.” – PLUS 10 POINTS

S gave me his number – PLUS 20 POINTS

A week later I ring him. S has no idea who the hell I am – MINUS 20 POINTS

We establish who I am.

S says he’s shy – MINUS 1 POINT (for being shy) and PLUS 1 POINT (for being so honest)

We speak on the phone for an hour in the evening three nights in a row. We decided to hold out going out for a few weeks coz we both have so much happening in our lives right now.

Next day.

S texts me: “Fancy a drink? Kwik lemi know. On train cud met at XXXXXXXXX”

Me: “What happened to waiting till later?” (FYI: his idea)

S texts me back (30 seconds later): "Ya. Let's leave it to afta. Thx" – MINUS 20 POINTS

WHAT THE FUCK?

Not that I could have gone.. I had plans with someone else. BUT still WTF. Did I say NO.. did I say let's leave it to later. Jeez.

SSD is seriously pissed off.

First I have to remind him who I am. Not good.
Then I have to put up with him being shy. Not good either.
But says he likes it when someone plays hard to get. Indifferent (I don’t play hard to get.. I just AM hard to get. LOL)
Has one hellava sexy voice. Really good.
Is older than me by a year. Good.
Then tells me he isn’t out, isn’t scene & is isn’t open about his sexuality. Not particularly good (but I understand)
Rings me during Apprentice. NOT GOOD. (this is the only time I watch TV all week)
Seems very curious about every detail in my life. Good.
Seems to hold back when I ask him about himself. Not good.
Changes his mind about going for a drink in less than 60 seconds. Really not good.
Doesn’t text me every free second, of every minute of every day. Really good.

When I ask him if he is SPONTANEOUS or INDECISIVE.. he says the former.. whilst I think the latter.

For those maths-challenged individuals. That equates to MINUS 10 POINTS todate.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Inner Shades of Blue

When life is good, life is really good.

And then, when its not, it’s really not!

I have had an amazing last few months. It’s been a rollercoaster, chain of events. Truth is I’ve barely had time to stop for a breather.

The crest of it all was the results of my final exams, and since then it’s almost like things have been getting better and better. There was a moment when my fears and doubts crept into me and I began to drown in the abyss of anxiety. Finally when work fell into place, more or less so, the rest of my little existence, almost in response, also fell into place. It was almost as if I awoken from a slumber. I cannot stress how much I love my current job. It’s such a huge learning curve. And up until recently in my life, I have felt so much of my life has been theory-like, and there has not been enough practicality, and now, a welcome change, it’s almost like there is a shift in all aspects of my life, towards it become more real, more gritty, more physical, more tangible.

And things have been great since.

I have some truly amazing, incredible and interesting people in my life. Whether it is people from work, social circles, new friends, old friends, fellow bloggers, family, or even akin to family. I have everything to be grateful for, and so little to complain about.

Yet, it wasn’t until earlier this week, that when I looked around at other people. Seeing people's love. Their happiness. Their successes. Their security. Their direction. Their resolve. Their confidence. Their passion. It was then that I thought that perhaps things weren't so great.

I felt that perhaps I was missing something. Perhaps things aren’t as perfect as they appear to be.

One of the main influences in my life is other people. It’s the pivotal point of everything in my life. I'm only happy with my personal qualities provided that they are noticeable, & admirable by others. My accomplishments are only significant if they stack up well against those of others. It drives me forwards, and it burns at me. I like to think that I don’t care what others think, but I do, that’s the underlying truth. That’s why I love and hate my sexuality. It drives me forward, I aim to be better than a stereotype, and yet it burns at me when things recoil away from me, or my sexuality is used against me.

But the essence of the matter is at some point I have to be happy with where I am, what I’m doing, how I am, ignoring the influences of others. Whilst the metric for measuring my own accomplishments really can be influenced & graded in relation to other people, it should never be dictated by it. I have to learn that, embrace that, wear that like a badge. I have to dwell on what is good for me, what is best for me, and if it is it should be enough.

And of course, it is impossible that I’ll wake up tomorrow having embraced this, since so much of my confidence is caught up in how other people view me.

I sometimes feel that whilst I display an air of confidence in my every action, I have found that confidence is not skin-deep. It's all about how I fit in relation with other people, and me, I get lost in that.

It’s almost like.. every aspect of my personality, my being, my spirit, is split in two and I love & hate every nuance of myself. It’s as simple and as complex as that.

How is that for inner analysis?

OK so on that happy note.. here is me looking rather dapper in my shiny silver suit.



Bear in mind. I'm totally smashed by this point. I've had 3 tequila shots, 3 cocktails and drunk no longer does what I am any justice.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Updating!

Dunno what to blog.

Probably coz I got no time right now.

Yesterday I went to see Step Up 2 – The Streets.. was so incredible. I held my breath so many times during the dance sequences. The words ‘holey fucking amazing’ barely do it justice.

I have dinner plans in less than 10 minutes, so will be rushing out in less than 30 seconds after I hit publish post.

Tomorrow is the Pass Mag Party at Paper, in Piccadilly Circus. So I’m headed there straight after work. Sweaty, hot and tired but looking rather dashing (possibly even dapper) in my new silver shiny suit!

And Friday I have a work outing. We’re going for dinner and then dancing. Yay.

So fellow bloggers I’ll be absent for a while still coz as a social network, eBlogger is barred (and so I can’t access it) at work.

This is why I’m trailing behind in reading y’alls blogs. I do one or two whilst having breakfast first thing in the morning.

Catch y’all soon.

Mwah xXx

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Saturday Night Disco With A Former Fuck Buddy

OK so I think an update on Saturday night is definitely due.

I met X for 8ish, outside his work place. We prowled Soho for a while and ended up in Prowler as X wanted to show me a pair of AussieBum briefs. He bought them when I said I liked them. Totally made me think of Monty, for two reasons coz the last time I was in Prowler was with him and well surely the word Aussie doesn’t really need to be explained.

We caught up with each other’s respective lives and afterwards we met the fuck-buddy. I’m so evil. I totally turned the tables on X and made a very specific effort to wind up the ex-fuck buddy. When I put my mind to it I have an inane ability to really (and I do mean REALLY) get on someone’s nerves. I’m half proud (& half disappointed at myself) that the plan worked. Although, that said, as the evening went by.. I think I may have started to grow on him.

The ex-fuck buddy wasn’t quite what I was expecting. X had made him out to be kinda average looking so I was a bit shocked coz he was a little hottie. In a very subtle way though! Kind of like you’d have to focus on him to notice. But he was far too serious! But that was the best thing.. it gave me the perfect ammo to aim and destroy him with [SSD laughs evilly]… every few minutes I was like “dude smile” and I could see it was winding him up nicely.

Moving on.

In typical fashion we got to the club and lo and behold the only guy that caught my eye at the gay club was straight. Yes I know it really doesn’t need to be said. YES YES YES I know I clearly do have a tendency to want what I can’t have. Get over it already. Seriously though, there were about 50 gay guys there and I’m attracted to one of the only straight ones. Grrrrrr. Yes blunt SSD was very forward and the following convo ensued:

Me: Bruv, tell me are you straight?
Him: Ya.
Me: Damn! You sure? *smiling*
Him: Pretty certain.. there’s my girl *smiles a killer smile* [at her AND not me]
Me: So what you doing at a gay club? Not at all bi-curious are you?
Him. *laughs nervously* Err.. no.
Me: Hey I’m just fucking about. I thought you were straight, but I just wanted confirmation. So what you doing here straight guy?
Him: It’s my mate’s birthday. [He points at a very gay guy in a lip-lock with another guy].
Me: Sweet. I’ll let you get back to it then. Remember me.. if you get bi-curious at all.

X was a bit surprised when I approached the guy and how easily I joked with him. I had been banging on about the cute straight guy for a while trying to decide if he was straight or not.. I think maybe he hasn’t realised just how forward I can be.

A short while later, totally bored of the music I sat down. We were all dancing right next to a settee, so I’m like still right next to them all. X moves closer, within my arms length and I pull him down onto my lap. His back is so, that he can lean back on me if he so wants. Now he sits there for a few seconds and then starts wiggling his bottom to the music. He is balanced right over my cock and right leg, thankfully his weight is predominantly on my right thigh.
I whisper in his ear ‘careful or you’ll give me a hard-on’. He wiggles harder, and as I knew, the wiggling makes the hard on rage into action. I don’t know if he could feel it or not, positioned as we were. After a while he gets up. He looks back and I get up too.

Half an hour passes with us dancing. After a bit I watch silently, moving towards a little barrier, and stop dancing, but still facing them. I walk as he grinds up against the friend of the friend who I had invite him. I’m slightly uncomfortable with this, coz I see friend of a friend’s hands on X’s backside. But I’m not really bothered by it all, after all I grind up against friends I’m dancing with quite often. After the song changes they disengage.

We all carry on dancing. And I go in for the kill. I move slowly, press myself against him, and when finally I bring myself against X I let my hands run across his body. Nothing holds me back. I embrace him with my arms around his neck. I allow my hands to roam on his ass, I even press the palm of my hand against his upper chest from behind. If dancing can ever be called dirty, this is as close as it gets without becoming x-rated. There is nothing I didn’t caress. I even grinded from behind with my hands in his pockets, with my fingers stroking the soft skin between the crotch and thigh from inside his pocket. I’m curious and so I press my leg against his crotch. I want to know if I have him turned on. I’m pleased to discover I’ve hit the target. He is definitely hard, there is no doubt about it but it takes me a while to find it. I mentally note that he isn’t huge in that department, but he more than makes up for that in looks. Once I’ve had enough of pressing against his cock, I realign myself so that his thigh is tucked in-between my legs. There is no shred of a doubt that he didn’t feel my hard-on. I can feel the contact it makes. I realise for the first time that I’m actually slightly taller than him. His face turns sideways, and I resist the urge to straighten his face, look into his eyes and kiss him. Whilst his body language is speaking volumes, I know he wouldn’t be comfortable if I kissed him here in front of everyone. But I wanted to kiss him, there and then, and if I didn’t then I definitely wanted him to know that. So after we’ve disengaged I tell him as if I’m making the most insignificant comment, that I almost kissed him. Maybe it’s the way I tell him, like I’m discussing something unimportant, but he says nothing. His silence makes me wonder if that was a good thing to say or not, but I’ve not yet decided if I regret saying it.

But one thing is clear in my head now. I think its finally time we stopped playing games. We both flirt outrageously with each other but neither is willing to make the first move and instead appear to be skirting around the subject. We even discussed asking each other out over the course of the evening with his ex fuck-buddy listening. We also discussed the perks he might gain if we were boyfriends. When I stated that I really want to go to New York, he suggested I pay for his ticket so we could both go together.. I responded with ‘For what. That kind of perk is reserved for my boyfriend.’ To which he replied with ‘Well that is incentive enough for me.’

See nothing but games. And the only reason I'm willing to carry on playing... is that I have yet to decide what I want.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Elephants, Rooms & Well Being Pooped On Too

I just don’t get it.

I really really really just don’t get it.

Arrrggghhhh.

Before I go into it.. I have a comment to make for Madgal. You sure I don’t know you? When someone feels the need to highlight that I don’t know them.. alarms start ringing. And the voice in my head says THEY DEFINITELY KNOW YOU so you likely know them. Just a thought I thought I’d leave you with. LOL. I’m glad you find my blog likeable. I find your comments likeable too.

Anyways moving on. Now where was I? Oh yeah.

Arrrggghhhh.

Damn X.

For those that don’t know.. X is 19 thus falls firmly in that ‘under 21 cute guys’ category I was banging on about the other day. As do many others, but seriously people.. what do I look like a pedo? NO BS, no no no no no, no 13 year olds. 16 is my limit for being attracted to.. and I'd say 20 would be my limit for touching.. possibly X maybe an exception, but he is ALMOST 20, so he's a kinda grey area.

Anyways, so a friend of a friend invites me out coming Saturday night to go clubbing with them, to a event called Spice, which as far as I understand is part of a club known as Club Urban Desi.. which caters for gay Asians. So happily I said yes. Who am I to turn down a night of gay clubbing?

Anyways, so X is gonna come too. He also knows this friend of a friend, not as well as I mind but still, so I suggested he ask him along. X says yes. GREAT NEWS. I was hoping for some time along with X to see if we can deal with the now increasingly evident and noticeable elephant in the room.

And lo and behold, today he texts me (after I text him first) to tell me he has invited an ex-fuck buddy along. THIS IS FUCKING SHIT NEWS. With all due respect to him, as far as I know they aren’t fucking now but still what was he thinking bringing him out clubbing with me around.

I’m so pissed. I know this idiot he is gonna bring with him (not personally but I know all about him).. and he is gonna do nothing but trail around X the whole evening. And its going to infuriate the shit out of me, possibly coz I was hoping to do just that. Grrrr. I know that he is gonna annoy me even though I have never met him before. Arrrggghhh.. so once again I’ll not be able to speak to him properly and that flipping elephant is gonna stand over me and poop on my head with him and an entire audience watching.

Damn it.. plus I don’t mask jealously well and I fear my green face will clearly show what I’ve been very carefully concealing from him.. that yes I do indeed have feelings for him. But if I’m being honest with myself.. I’m really not yet sure this is anything more than pure lust.

It’s this thoughtlessness and his selfish nature, his hurtful tendencies (to others and not me), his effortless ability to use people and his downright stupidity at times that makes me want to throttle him and stay the fuck away. And yet that damn fucker is so damn cute I could eat him up in a single swallow.

The word weary no longer starts to illustrate how I feel towards him anymore. But when he is around, there isn’t even a stray thought that tells me he isn’t anything but perfect the way he is. What is with that? It's like being a teenager who is obsessed.

So come on.. coz I just don’t get it.. but what does bringing an ex-fuck buddy to a night club with him on Saturday going to prove? What is it that he is trying to say to me? Or am I just reading way too much into this? Coz no matter how I look at it.. its just plain stupid.

Arrrrgggghhhhh

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Earth Hour 2008

It is with the greatest sadness that I learnt that London DID NOT embrace the Earth Hour.

For those that aren't aware of what the Earth Hour is please see the video below


Vid has totally been stolen off Queer Ranter.

Basically the aim of the Earth Hour was that for one whole hour people across the world switch their lights off to raise the awareness of Global Warming & climate change.
It started in Sydney (bless the Aussies for such an ingenious idea) and has spread across the world.. even Google.com embraced the Earth Hour by turning the normally white page black. See below:

But Central London was lit up like a Christmas Tree on Christmas Eve. This is the first time EVER I haven't felt pride in being a Londoner. Seriously.. how difficult would it have been for such a huge city like London to switch off a few lights?

As the Aussies (rightly so) would say.. us Poms are a right bunch of wankers.

A shout out to all the people who knowingly choose to ignore the EARTH HOUR: F*#KERS

Friday, March 28, 2008

21 Reasons Not 2, 1 definitely 2.

I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.

OK doing computer lines isn't actually real punishment, since you can cut and paste.. but still I think its a lesson I need to very quickly learn.

I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.

Maybe I should add that.

I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.

Grrr.. why are under 21s so damn attractive. Damn it.

On a stranger more personal note - I had forgotten until ystd but Tuesday gone was the one year anniversary to the day I officially came out to my Aunt. Its not really a big deal.. actually screw that.. its a HUGE deal. Just thought that I'd share that.

Revel in a year of leaps and bounds.

Oh yeah - the moral of this post is: always talk to really cute guys especially those under 21.

[SSD scratches his head]

Errrrr.. lesson obviously not learnt :o(

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Standoffish Liaisons

I was asked the most frustrating question of all recently.

What are you looking for?

As questions go.. it’s the only one I don’t know how to answer.

The context obviously involved my single relationship status.

I get asked that all the time.

X most recently joined the ranks.

Might just be me but I feel things have changed with him.

We went to dinner with some friends the other day, and I had met him for coffee earlier that evening and we spent quite some time talking. He might have indirectly asked me if I was interested in pursuing a relationship with him. He looked me in the eye and said “I want someone”. I was not sure how to respond so I said something like “Kool. I’ll keep an eye out for you.” There was much more to this conversation but its hard to put into words. Truth is I wanted nothing more than to kiss him right there in front of everyone.

Then later, when we were walking up past Hyde Park, we both turned and faced London Eye in the background shimmering like a jewel with it’s night lights sparkling in full glory. I could see X was transfixed. And the following conversation ensued:

X: It looks amazing doesn’t it?
Me: Yeah. Have you ever been on it at night?
X: No I haven’t
Me: Really? Have you ever been on it?
X: Yeah, just not at night.
Me: Well you should. It is so different as night. It’s incredible.
X: Well then you can take me their on our first date.
Me:
X: What?
Me:
X: Say something.
Me: Like what?

Later that day I met this Italian guy (I’ve met him before.. but this was the first time I actually made more than small talk), originally he is from Sri Lanka (I think), I vaguely recall him mentioning the Buddha, so maybe I’m wrong.. but his parents I understand are living in Rome at the moment so he’s Italian as far as I’m concerned.

He quizzed me about X. It’s incredible how quickly he picked up on the chemistry between X and I, despite the fact that I was sitting at the different end of the table from X. His questions and X’s behaviour made me really think about what the hell it is that I want in relation which X.

How does one approach something like that? X talks about exclusivity and trust, wanting a proper boyfriend and not a fuck-buddy, moving away from one-night stands, etc. Part of me wants to go there coz the chemistry is so strong between us, its hard to ignore, but there is part of me that is wary of him and is that a good place to start on a relationship from?

Sunday, March 16, 2008

200 Long Stemmed Red Roses

After much debate and deliberation I’ve decided to drag the past back and share a little of the past.

Not a story as such. That story belongs to Him.. but here today He holds no sway. This bay is mine tonight.

But all things start story-like.. this will be no different.

He has a notebook. It’s yellow & pink. It’s not lined mind you.. it’s just simple and blank.

There contained within are different coloured pages and all those colours soften me to my core. Yes our steel hearted Dreamer is in awe of His book.

This fabled notebook has His heart contained inside. A metaphoric heart but a heart nonetheless. He is somewhat afraid of this book.

I doubt that everyone will fully understand the relevance of this post but this is something He wrote sometime after a dark moment in His life. Writing always was strangely comforting for Him. I’m glad for I was born of that writing. You'll read my name.. in it's birth. This is the first time my name was ever uttered.. almost like a pregnancy test of a kind. The test said its A Dreamer. I can't say for sure if I was planned or not.

It’s amazing how many powerful secrets are caught on paper.
How many raw emotions are preserved in a snapshot for all of eternity.
How much pain even a single word can contain.

No celebration is complete without remembering those darker moments. Here is the preservation of a dark moment. The darkest. The darkness that gave birth to me. So I feel right at home. I revere this place. For someone born of darkness.. darkness is not sin but life. This is a celebration.... a 200th post. How will we celebrate.. but with 200 long stemmed blood red roses?

Here is a poem taken from that book. Poetry is a fruit of life after all.

The tears tainted by Heaven’s actions sear my soul
the wind choosing to brush past me soundlessly.
Dew turns to mist and I struggle to see
the mist turning into ice causes my heart to slip
and when the ice melts it’s blood that trickles away.
Look closely and you’ll see marks of those that dared to defy
marred blood marks the road where the rabbits try to cross
even the trees sing a song the world had hoped to forget
It’s as if my bush bares no rose anymore, just a single dreaded thorn.

Like a jagged diamond rock hidden in the sand
this graveyard should hold a single coffin, but its empty of note
even death it appears chooses not to lingers here any longer.
A candle burns brightly, its soft gentle flicker feeling so out of place.
A sudden chill breeze, the vast open sky, a stray falling star, a single ray of light
all point to that place, where that grave that ought to be
I’m not allowed to dig a grave with my bare fingers as I want to.
Earth to Earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
What to do when I have no grave, no Earth to revere,
and no ash to keep.. I was forced to let it all float away.

My beloved no longer sways from side to side
my heart is no longer able to beat to that long forgotten tune
that silenced heartbeat was music to my ears at one point.
I cry alone and for a moment I feel the world as it stops turning
just for a second I hear the whole world weeping with me
then gravity kicks back in and the moment passes,
And again I am left alone, me and my fears.

How fickle life is when it flickers
the sun hides behind the moutains for hours at a time
when he finds her he chases her away
for the avid observer this is normal
but for me this is the most cruel of games.
I wish he would leave her be, hidden away, out of sight
it is what is best for me as I cannot bear to face her
the symphony of another day burns at me.
My poor seared soul.

Another chooses to love me
how dare he?
I want him to walk away
it is not meant to be
nothing is meant to be
nothing is meant for me
as surely as the other was meant to be.
- A Dreamer

Yours Sincerely Soul Seared Dreamer

Monday, March 10, 2008

Bad Blogger

I think I'm officially fallin' into the bad blogger category (as far as I'm concerned)!

I can't recall the last time I responded to the comments left behind.. just to let you know I do read them and thanks for them. I love you all and appreciate each and every single one.

Dunno what to do about my next post now.. it'll be my 200th. Yup. Honest.

Any thoughts?

PS - Anyone suggesting a '200 things about me'.. will be shot RUTHLESSLY, gutted and the innards sold on the black market for something very insulting. Just so we're clear :o)

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

It Wasn't Me

It’s amazing how much change a week can bring.

Yesterday saw me starting my new job. I gotta admit I’m actually really really looking forward to this. It’s not like I’ve never worked full-time before.. So it’s not like a new experience or anything.. but having worked so damn hard at securing a decent job.. I’m just really psyched up. Today will be the proper first day coz yesterday was more induction than anything else.. but I’ve already been allocated my first client file so I’m starting to think there isn’t really going to be a grace period to adjust rather this is the kind of role that you’re just a dropped in the deep end and you have to sink or swim.

Things with the designer (friend’s ex) have been interesting. He seems to have brought out the fiery elements of my Leo’s fire rich nature.. sometimes I can’t seem to curb that aspect of my star sign’s nature.

On Monday when we saw each other we attacked each other with a ferocity not seen since the days of Ancient Greece. I left him with a 3 inch dark bruise on the right side of his neck (oh yes I’m vicious when I want to be) and he left me with 13 little bruise marks in various positions along my neck line (only one classed as more than a hickey). We were sprawled over one another, naked with tangled limbs, when my aunt walked into the house. I ran and closed my bedroom door whilst he attempted to find our clothes.. for such a small bedroom this was shockingly hard. Obviously the gusto in which we ripped each other’s clothes off speaks earnestly here. Aunt was not pleased one bit when said designer walked out of the house a short while later.. *breaks a sweat* but at least she didn’t see us naked together.. can't imagine how badly that would have rocked her world.

Tuesday I met up X for coffee and then went to dinner with a now mutual girlfriend.. X tagged along for a bit. Finally me and girlfriend went to see a movie and X buggered off. Apparently it was past midnight when an Earthquake hit England.. I don’t know why exactly but I totally missed it. Either I was in said girlfriend’s car and the car’s suspension absorbed the shock or I was sitting on my foam mattress and that swallowed up the ground shaking.. either way I had no idea an Earthquake hit despite being on the phone until well past 3AM.

Wednesday I met up with a girl (yes this meeting girls is twice in a row now) from my studies and broke it to her that Juliet’s Romeo is a fag. She seemed to take it well but time will tell if I did the right thing. This is the girl I very likely would have married if I were straight so this was no easy thing to do *tears* and then met my designer for something that I never imagined in a million years I would do. Its shocking the limits we breach when one is in need of comfort. We found a nice quiet location on a fairly busy street (the next street up from my road) and parked in front of someone’s house and completely made out *sighs* no shit if Police had caught us we would have been arrested for indecent exposure and illicit sex in a public place. I’ve lost my innocence :o(

Thursday and Friday I was home but on Thursday I sneaked out of the house for a five minute kissing session with my designer which my aunt totally noticed I did.. so much for being discreet.

Saturday I went work and then spent the evening with the designer in Park Royale, Action. For someone so firmly in the closet I was pleasantly surprised how dangerously we acted in such a popular and public area. I held his body continuously, allowed my body to press against his, over dinner I had my foot laid across his leg, I kissed him, and worst of all I constantly felt him up and he responded accordingly. Have I mentioned that my designer is WELL-KNOWN in HIS community.. like virtually everyone in his community would recognise him at first glance. We decided to drive away from Acton when the interaction between us started to move away from being PG rated. So we decided to drive to a quieter location.. I totally pleasured him as he drove though.. in hindsight I can’t highlight how stupid this was considering he was actually driving. Its crazy what horniness can do to your wits. We topped up the evening with a heavy make-out session in the car AGAIN.

Despite how it looks.. there is virtually no attachment here on my behalf. I think its very physical for me.. whereas I’m afraid its starting to become emotional for him.. and despite me stressing that it can’t bode well for either of us if this gets too serious.. these things can not be controlled and I’m left feeling I should end it now before it does go there.

What I’m looking for is someone I can enjoy hanging around with and doesn’t have coming out or closeted hang-ups.. and this guy is SO NOT THIS - this guy still wants to get married coz his position in the community demands it of him.

He knows that as things are going he is likely to start getting attached and that’s dangerous for him.. he thinks I’m getting attached too but here is the punch line.. I’m not.. I’m more worried about him getting attached than anything else.

Damn. Just once I’d like someone I can have sex with to have no hang ups. Is this too much to ask for?

Monday, February 25, 2008

Who? Ex Thats Who.

Despite the fact that we haven’t yet even hit the quarter year mark.. this year has already become a most interesting year.

I don’t want to make this post about X.. he is really nothing more than a backdrop to this post.. but since meeting X I have found his presence in my life has been almost magnetic.. quite literally altering the course and direction of my life.

Prior to him.. gay Indians were something of fables.. you occasionally heard about them.. occasionally you got to correspond with one here and there.. but sometimes actually having someone a part of your life is very different. Since X I have met 12 other gay Indians (as in actually physically met and been able to touch) and that is ALOT when you’ve personally known NONE really.

Its very strange.

Now remember when I said that this year has become most interesting? Read in between the lines here.. its more like my life is slightly FUCKED UP right now.. well here is what I mean:

1. X’s lover seems to want to become my best friend.. he has already invited me to his house several times (without X).. all of which I have politely refused. As much as this gezzer is a nice guy.. I know he made a move on one of X’s mates some time ago and it really screwed up X.. and well I don’t even want to go there so its best to avoid him like the plague unless X is there as a buffer.

2. I completely made out with a friend’s ex. I know I know I know.. what can I say other than I’m a complete tart but I was having a bad day and said ex offered me comfort in the form of a kiss and cuddle and things quickly escalated. I can’t believe I actually ended up with this guy’s penis in my hand and that this guy has had both my penis and my friend’s penis in his mouth. This so completely goes against every accepted rule within the friendship-book but then I can hide behind the fact that he made the first move.. excluding of course the fact that I had my hand on his thigh over coffee in Starbucks for almost over an hour prior to this. The bastard gave me a hickey that I didn’t notice until someone pointed it out. Damn he is good.

3. A guy completely head over heels in love with a mutual friend.. is falling for me as well and I’m not sure what to do about it. This is the sweetest guy alive but there is like zip chemistry. Why I can’t I fall for someone like this? I really enjoy his company but I have the constant battle with my head telling me I should maintain some distance as well.

4. I meet the cutest guy alive at a housewarming party I gate-crashed.. but he is with someone – and they make the cutest couple *sigh* that I couldn’t bare it if someone tried to break them up. Grrr.. why are all the good ones taken? Dunno why I mentioned this.. I just think this guy warranted a mention ;o)

5. Ironically the guys whose housewarming part I gate-carshed above is like deep I think I wanna get to know him. There are aspects about him that will undoubtedly be in contrast and others akin. I look forward to getting to know him better. Best of all - he didn't seem at all fussed that I had gate-crashed his party. He made an amazing host.

6. I officially told my brother that I’m gay. He doesn’t know what to do with this information but for the better part he has been great with it despite the fact that I clearly see he isn’t okay with it.. but that he is making an effort is the most important part.. and I admire him for that. But he seems to think he now needs to monitor my whereabouts and whom I am with.. which is frustrating at the best of times and unbearable at the worse.

7. My post exam celebration with my family turned into World War 3 and I in absolute livid rage walked out of the house and roamed outside for over an hour until a significant portion of that rage subsided and my brother luckily happened upon me. Would you believe they made me cancel my plans so that we could all go out and celebrate, and then a horrid comment was made towards me that made me walk out? That’s what you get when you put family first. This was the act that required the warmth and comfort of a bloke inside me… come in said ex.

8. Right now I’m waiting for said ex to come do me. I rang his office and asked for a quote.. as the only décor planner in today.. guess who comes out to my house to do it? The only thing he’ll get to see is my bedroom walls.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Anyone For A Cuppa Kismet?

Its truly incredible how things in life play out.

Fate.

Such a simple.. and yet such a powerful word.

I’ve never understood fate.. and I’m not sure I ever will in this lifetime either.. and truth is when you don’t understand something.. you can not learn to appreciate it. The only thing you can do is recognise it.

For a Godless individual.. fate is meaningless. He is blind to it. Yet there are times when even in the apparent darkness.. a light shines. How does one ignore such light?

Yet despite my multiple efforts to shake the feeling.. I fear I’ve started to picture myself as a train.. rocketing away at a superhuman speed.. so fast in fact that my surroundings all blur with a lack of clarity.. maybe this is the reason why I can’t see those tracks I follow. When I look up I see the horizon and the opportunities that lay just out of reach.. and its only when I look down and try to focus that I see the occasional line of train track that inevitably seems to be guiding my direction.

A powerful metaphor I hope.

Let me try to explain what I mean.

Take my ACCAs as an example. I come from a very close knit family, and as a result I was born into a very strong support system. We are always there for one another and so I’ve never had to embark on anything without blessings and support from them.. yet in the instance when I choose to do my ACCAs they refused to support me.. rather choosing to stand against me and insist that the decision was a bad one and that I already had a good job that I shouldn’t walk away from it. I bit my bottom lip and did what my heart told me I should... todate I found this to be my biggest motivational factor.. failing to achieve my ACCAs would have undoubtedly provided an opportunity to say ‘we told you not to do this’.. and thus falling flat on my face was not an option I would ever have found acceptable.. so I worked like a bitch and put everything on hold in order to achieve this goal.. everything and everyone (even myself).. and I’m not going to hesitate in saying that it was their lack of support that propelled me forwards and I never allowed myself to waver or to accept defeat. I look at many of my friends doing their ACCAs and with their supportive family networks they often seem to lack the drive that forced me forwards so strongly.

I can’t shake the feeling that it could have been fate that a family who have ALWAYS supported my every decision in my career chose not to support me.. almost like it was in order for me to find the motivation to achieve what thousands fail each year to do.

Another example is X. When I met him.. I had the potential to fall hard.. harder than I have ever fallen for anyone.. and despite the fact that I am closer to him than any other guy in my life.. having suffered from the claw-back of a three-way emotional triangle with a certain someone of Mexican origin early last year.. I approached X with caution (the comment I had made in a previous post rings true here.. when I said the more I discover about him.. the more distance builds between us and the closer we get). This old memory has enabled me to flirt with X but remain completely emotionally disconnected. The last week I’ve discovered a side to X that makes me so glad I am so emotionally detached. I always wondered what the reason behind Alex being in my life was.. I feel this was it.. to enable me to have X in my life and retain emotional detachment. But meeting X has brought people into my life that I think I was destined to meet (I know how this sounds.. but work with me here).. two of his closest friends are now amongst my closest friends. One of whom I spoke with for over 2 hours on the phone (after maybe spending maybe an hour with him in person). The other has almost become an elder brother of sorts.

Even with work. I was so cut up on the day when I heard that I didn’t get the Lloyds TSB job that I applied for.. I returned home and applied to a role I saw on the NHS website with a great deal of fervour and strife. The only application I made that whole week. This role has turned into what can only be described as a dream job. Its training is unparallel and will provide just about everything in a career one can dream of. Have I said yet that I was offered this role even before they interviewed all the candidates and I have accepted it?

Fate at work maybe?

I can give dozens of things in my life recently as examples but I’ll stop there coz its almost eerie to think about.

Anyone else feeling the Goosebumps?