Thursday, March 29, 2007
I believe I'm dealing with this much better than I originally estimated.
Things still are strained between my Aunt and I - and yesterday my mum picked up on that - and asked what the matter was... so obviously it isn't my mind playing tricks on me. I brushed her off saying she has things on her mind. I'm not sure whether it is a good thing yet to tell my mum. I've been debating with myself whether or not to tell her. I love her dearly and the impression I get from my Aunt is that she hasn't recovered from it herself and if my mum falls to pieces over it... it will fall on my Aunt to sort it out and my Aunt is not in a state to help herself let alone another.
But something that has me concerned is my nonchalance attitude to all this. It's almost like I barely spare a thought to the fact that I've just come out to my Aunt - in fact what is more on my mind is that my close friend J is pregnant.
J is a bit of a pickle. Going back almost 15 years she met a guy called Ant. They dated and fell in love. After living together they bought a property together. Then 2 years back he broke up with her saying he needed space. Things were not the same. They went from sleeping in the same bed to sleeping in different rooms. They still live together and despite things not being perfect they work. Then a year ago J met this guy who she started sleeping with - Ant did not appreciate this and an awkwardness sprang up between them. Now neither is financially able to buy the other out. What I failed to mention is this guy J is seeing is much much younger than her and isn't very likely to be able to support her financially or provide her with what she needs in a man in the long term. Now with Ant things are strained as it is and added to the burden that the father of the baby is Indian and J has no idea what the skin tone of the child will be - so any hope that things between Ant and J working out are slim as the baby will act as a daily reminder that the baby is not Ant's and Ant's tolerance of J sleeping/dating other men is minimal. On one hand Ant talks as if it has nothing to do with him and on the other he asks what he will tell the neighbours when they congratulate him. Now she is a very close friend of the pregnant workmate whose wedding I attended in December and it strikes me as ironic as to the complex nature of the three of our lives and I had a really good laugh about that with J on Monday when I told her I was gay and she told me she was pregnant - funny thing is I asked her almost 2 months ago if she was pregnant and she said yes and I thought she was joking. Turned out she was serious and I just refused to believe her.
So that's now four people I've told. Three mates and my Aunt. I'm planning on telling pregnant workmate about it on Saturday next time I'm at work.
But like I said I'm concerned with how much indifference I'm treating this with - Alex claims it's only natural but I'm not sure I buy that. I have a nasty feeling I'm avoiding the topic subconsciously and in the long term I'm not dealing with it. On the other hand I'm systematically telling people as and when they cross my path so I'm not really avoiding it either.
I've tried to strike up a few conversations with my Aunt but she is going through the phase of pretending nothing is wrong and I'm surprised it's not infruriating me. I borrowed a book called A Stranger In The Family: How To Cope If Your Child Is Gay - I think it will help her if she gives it a chance but she refuses to look at the book and says she isn't interested in the slightest.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Amit, come back from the darkness you are heading towards.... I beg you. There is NOTHING there. I'll do my utmost to help you - as I always have.
Don't kill mum & me in this way.
Love XXXXXX* xx
I had a late start today and so I was still in bed when she left.
My response (via email)
Thank you for such kind words so early in my day. I knew I could count on you for always being there for me. Even in such darkness your light is so very bright. Whatever have I done to deserve you? It pains me that I'm obviously not worthy of such unwavering love and devotion.
I didn't expect you to embrace this - I'm no fool but if you open your eyes beyond the apparent darkness you fear I'm in - you'll see that I'm no different than I was last week, last year or however far back you want to go. Nothing has changed - you are just seeing the truth behind the lies - the reality rather than what you want to see. This is not something I've chosen - which is something you fail to understand. I didn't choose this. I didn't as much as you believe otherwise. No one chooses this. We deal with it or we don't - if we don't deal with it... it destroys us from within. But there is no escape. No matter how much you wish there was.
I'm sorry if I sound patronising but all I hear when you speak is 'me me me' - this is hard for me too - if not harder than it is for you. It's not easy - it won't be. And I'm not purposely trying to kill you or mum. But if that is what you think - I can't do anything to show you otherwise.
My only words of comfort is in time you may look at things differently.... you may or you may not... only time will really tell. I'm sorry but I refuse to let this eat me up from the inside - destroying me from within - until there is nothing left. Because this is the cost of doing as you suggest. Is this what you want for me?
But I was so annoyed this morning that I wrote that without thinking. I have yet to recieve a reply.
Did I do the right thing or should I have ignored the note? I'm so confused. I've already sent her that email on impulse but I'm beginning to question if maybe I pushed back too hard. Did my response sound insensitive.
* she used the nickname I use when I speak to her
Monday, March 26, 2007
Well I think a good point would be Sunday.
It was my best friend’s engagement party. Yes my sweetest and oldest friend Jyoti (Jo) is getting married. Yay. She looked absolutely smashing and I was so very happy for her.
After the ceremony which included her and her other half exchanging rings, and sipping sweetened milk, we moved on to her house – I was one of the few attendees requested to visit her new home to be. As there were so many people with cars, we all decided to make our own separate ways to her place. I offered a close friend Priti (Prit) a lift as she had been dropped off.
As we sat driving to Jo’s place, Prit asked me if I was seeing anyone – this is after I quizzed her about her boyfriend David. I replied as I quite often do – ‘don’t ask’. But as if something clicked I had a desire to continue ‘It’s complicated’ I said. ‘Yeah I bet’ was her response… and that point I was really lost for words and didn’t know how exactly to continue so I just blurted out
“I’m not straight” – the look on her face confirmed this thought had never ever occurred to her. And almost as if a dam had burst I filled her in this the intimate details of my life - past, present and future. It somehow just felt right and after making it my news years resolution to tell new people I meet I’m gay and not lie about it – I just felt right. She was great about it and said all the right things to me – which was fantastic.
But that caused a problem – as much as some people lie about it – there are always some friends you are closer to, and are slightly more important to you, than others. Now Prit is also a very close and personal friend but having known Jo since I was practically in diapers means I consider Jo to be my best friend, and I had yet to tell her. I spoke to her some years ago when I first met a guy I started to fall for and that coincided with one of her close mates Bilal (Baz) coming out and the hell his family put him through (he was disowned for the record) and was able to offer invaluable advice.
So I kinda blurted it out to Jo at the first moment that presented itself. The minute I had I regretted it. For one I think I owed it to her to explain that a little bit more tactfully than I did and two I announced this to her on her engagement day which was very inconsiderate of me. But she took it rather well, there was shock on her face but unfortunately we didn’t get to talk about it but now that she knows we will find time in the near future.
I meet Baz for the first time. I heard Jo mention him so many time that’s I almost felt like I knew him personally – but meeting him in real life was great. He is a real sweetheart and we clicked together very well. He obviously didn’t know I am gay and I didn’t say but we sat next to each other and talked at great length – I noticed at several times he touched me quite often. I find I do this when I’m flirting and I got the real vibe that he fancied me. But he is with someone and I’m a firm believer two gay people can be friends without having sex and wanting to have sex. As we were sat next to each other – Jo’s finance’s younger brother took a picture of us. Well he was taking pictures of everyone but he showed us the picture of us two. The sunlight from the window fell on me and left Baz in the dark but it was an incredible picture. It looked well romantic – which we had a proper giggle about. He is such a genuinely great guy that we exchanged contact details and said we’d get in touch. Which meant I had Prit take down his email address and requested she forward it to me as was too tired to take my phone out and fumble about with it. But I do intend to get in touch at some point.
The engagement started at 10AM – to make matters worse UK time went forward (so I lost an hour) and my niece had a awoke from a bad dream and in tears insisted to be dropped off as my house - she claimed she saw a monster sitting in the corner of her room and she has always felt safe with me nearby – so she cried and cried and frustrated at 3AM my brother rang me and asked if she could spend the night at ours. We agreed and my brother dropped her off. So when I had to get up and get ready - I was shattered and that residual tiredness stayed with me throughout the whole day.
It was 8PM when I got to my mum’s and 11PM before I got home. Frustrated and tired I just wanted bed. But I knew that the time to have the talk was now. My Aunt was in the kitchen and I wanted to get it over and done with.
So I did.
I told her unblinkingly I was gay.
Her first reaction was to say ‘No you are not – your only pretending’
I laughed. I didn’t mean to. I tried to steer the conversation into a more serious direction. I had the starts of a giggling fit. And that wouldn’t help her original comment.
If I said I could recall the entire conversation I’d be lying.
There was so many awkward silences and ‘what nows?’ I lost count.
She said she couldn’t accept it. And the truth is I don’t think she will ever.
And right now I feel about the size of a pea.
I think she hates me.
I’ve never seen disappointment so strongly in her eyes.
She is more concerned with what people will think than how I feel.
She doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to look other people in the eye.
She asked me how I could do this to her.
She asked me how I could do this to my mother.
She called me sick.
She called gay people sick.
She claimed the lifestyle I was choosing was sick.
She said she would be embarrassed of me.
She accused me of not caring about her.
She asked if this is my way of repaying all the sacrifices she’s made.
She asked me ‘what will she say to others’.
She claimed I’d be the death of her.
She went to bed crying.
But worst of all - she said that if she were dying she’d not call me for help.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Apologies for such a long delay in posting... It would appear I'm suffering from Writer's Block.
My heart just doesn't seem in posting as of late. It's definitely not as a lack of life's complications and ironies, rather the complete opposite.
I'm restless. Nothing seems quite enough.
And despite making it a daily point to read the numerous blogs that seem to be just as important as having breakfast - I've found I just can't be bothered to write a new post.
I imagine it was something like this that J K Rowling suffered in the middle of writing 'Goblet of Fire'.
But since I'm here and posting I may as well give you what is currently paramount on my mind today.
Ever had the feeling that things just aren't right and there seems no better time to implement change, but the time just doesn't present itself to do so despite everything being just there shining out of reach?
I think I'm at one of those pivotal points in my life, where I no longer feel able to deal and I need to force change.
I believe I've made the first step in coming out.
I told my Aunt that we have something to talk about - something the both of us have been tiptoeing around for years now and she agreed (the fact that I'm gay)... but the time we had this conversation was most inappropriate to continue so we rescheduled, but I left nothing to her imagine as what it was I wanted to discuss. I'm beginning to regret that decision as I've found 2 days have passed and there seems to be no further mention from her regarding this.
Yesterday I mentioned as we walked to my mum's place for dinner - that we have not yet has 'the talk' we mentioned the other day - at which point she relied 'yes soon - I know I'm in for a big disappointment'. If it will just be disappointment I think this talk may go better than I ever imagined. Truth is I've given her almost 8 years to get use to the idea that I'm gay - not directly but without leaving any doubt. We then continued to tip-toe around each other without ever mentioning the G word. So I knew when I finally decided to tell her - the shock factor would never be an issue. I'm cautious like that, but I think that may work in my favour this time.
Problem is that the both of us have been and will be so busy:
Friday AM - She was at work
Friday PM - She had tuition - she teaches Gujarati to two young school girls
Saturday AM - I was at work
Saturday PM - we had/have guests
Sunday AM - I have my best friend's Engagement
Sunday PM - She plans to visit Temple as it is a Holy Day
Monday AM - Both of us are at work
Monday PM - 'Maybe this will be the moment'
But that is almost 2 days away.
I'm not sure if I can hold on to my nerves that long. My being gay has never played on my mind so much as it has the last few days.
[SSD takes a very deep breath] - maybe just maybe the next time I write a new post I'll be out to my Aunt. Fingers crossed - I think I'm done with this tip-toeing around now.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
[SSD wonders how to tell Billy he has better things to do without hurting his feelings]
This means I have to reveal FIVE things about myself that no one (or most people) won’t know. And then I'm meant to tag five other bloggers to carry on the game.
[SSD glares at Billy but realises Billy can't see and wonders just how much of an idiot SSD really is]
Oh fuck it. Its probably easier to do the bladdy thing.
OK so here goes...
1. I’m severely allergic to dust (this is well known within my family only - I guess that counts!) and I’m forever sneezing and taking antihistamine to lead a normal life. What a fucked up thing to have an allergy to next to Peanuts, Milk, Wheat & Semen – yes there are people out there with an allergy to semen – women with this allergy are unable to have babies (how heartbreaking is that?) - so anyway I have a special pillow, pillow case, duvet, duvet cover, and mattress cover. They are made of a funny kind of plastic in order to prevent dust mites breeding like crazy so make my life a touch more bearable, it would appear that the average household mattress is home to millions and millions of little dust mites (whose faeces are the cause of the allergy) - I did not know this up till I was 16 by which time I spent my childhood with what appeared to be an eternal flu.
2. I have a grey hair (OK OK OK a few more than one)
[SSD breaths calmly to avoid having a panic attack]
But thankfully no grey pubes (yet!)
[SSD breaths deeply a sigh of relief]
3. I had a circumcision when I was 18. Very few people know this. In fact I can count on one hand the people that do. This is very unusual for someone of Indian origin. I think I may be the only person in the entire family tree to be circumcised, ever. It was the most excruciating thing I have ever, ever had to endure. Since I was 18 - I was a walking hard-on (I still am for those interested in that info) and every time I had a hard-on the stitches pulled causing unbearable indescribable pain. And I had a hard-on every 3 minutes at that age. You can still see the places where the stitches were. Ouch.
4. Tattoos really turn me on. They can drastically increase my libido. They are a major major major turn on (see how I used major 3 times). Wanna make me swoon in delight flash me your tattoo, with me that works better than a chat up line anyday. I'm feeling frisky just thinking about them.
5. I love symmetry. Everything in my room is as symmetrical as possible. Displays of photos & posters, etc. Even my tattoo design is symmetrical. Probably something to do with my perfectionist ways.
The five people I'm not gonna tag are
PS - Please note that no-one is obliged to do this except Alex. For Alex - IT IS A MUST.
Monday, March 19, 2007
I received an email from a friend, a forward about people and love. I’ll post it shortly but it struck a cord in my heart that had me thinking of my ex (not in a ‘I want to get back together’ sort of way) and the new guy in my life.
I’ve already mentioned Sid, my ex, in my Valentine Mayhem post some time ago in February. One of the biggest reasons we didn’t work out was the sheer fact that he haunted every step I took. Which sometimes was sweet and at others damn near infuriating. He would text me and if I hadn’t replied in about 30 seconds, or within 2 minutes MAX (I’d timed this once to illustrate a point to a friend who said I was being overcritical and harsh), I’d be bombarded with text after text after text demanding to know why I wasn’t replying, whether I was upset with him, did he say anything to upset me, was I OK, was I busy, could I just let him know I was OK, could I just let him know I was OK with him, etc. I always think of the Destiny’s Child ‘Bug A Boo’ when I think of Sid – it’s like I hear the name SID and there is an audible click in my head and the track starts to play.
Maybe it wasn’t meant to be with Sid. I never felt butterflies the way I’m feeling now. I never missed him when he wasn’t around, don’t get me wrong here I’m not trying to say I didn’t think about him at all – it’s just there was no obsessive need to be with him at all times. I think the worst part of it was he fell for me much much much faster and deeper than I fell for him. Offset against my style of playing things cool and in a calculated way in the start, his constant need to be the centre of my attention made him appear needy, desperate and I’ll say this lightly as to not cause offence but somewhat annoying, worse not only to my friends but also to me. He had been hurt in relationships before and he said he felt in his soul that I would never consciously hurt him. I wouldn’t consciously but I imagine not falling for him may have caused him some pain inadvertently. But I’m only human, and I never did utter words such as ‘I love you’ to him. I didn’t love him and it would be me lying if I said I did. He on the other hand told me he loved me about 20 times a day. I liked him and often said I really really like you – which was true.
I don’t know if it’s just me but do the words ‘I Love You’ not mean something. Something profoundly endearing and meaningful. I hate the fact that it’s difficult to express yourself without using the words I LOVE YOU and not sound completely sincere. When I utter those words I mean them, every single one. I never lightly use those three words… if I say them I really mean them.
Anyways I seem to be side stepping the real point of writing this post – sorry this has the feeling of being a long soppy one. Be warned. So this is what the friend emailed me. I’ve edited it slightly… I’ve made it slightly more gay... There was a girl there at some point, but she is irrelevant here today. Besides it’s the words that are important not the picture.
See now those are beautiful words but up until recently I’d not have truly understood just how true and heartfelt those words are or can be. It made me think of Sid because he saw within me I guess that… he probably genuinely began to love me within a very short period. Alas for him, it wasn’t mutual and life has a cruel harshness to it that destroyed the naivety of it.
But with this new guy I feel like that cool collected person I was and am is like a distant memory. I’ve never felt needy or desperate before in my life. But this guy has me doing things I didn’t think I’d ever be doing. I sit down and wonder what this guy must be doing practically all the time. I feel so restless. I have this urge to talk to him all the time. And even sometimes when I’m busy I still need to feel he is there just a keyboard, mouse and monitor away. And if he isn’t there just a keyboard, mouse and monitor away I can’t wait till he is. And finally when he is, and even when I have nothing to say to him I feel reassured that he is there, not to far away. I have to muster all my will to not send him an email saying ‘where are you?’, ‘what are you doing?’ when he isn’t. This post will completely negate all those hundreds of messages I’ve resisted sending – coz here in black and white – I’m admitting to being completely utterly and madly addicted to him. I don’t feel in control of my actions anymore.
And if that wasn’t bad enough both of us are at points in our lives where our respective studies are vitally important and excruciatingly demanding and we both need to allocate sufficient time to that aspect of our lives too or else suffer severe repercussions. He is doing a degree in the excessively difficult and demanding engineering area and is in his penultimate year. And I’m doing the worse and hardest part of a Professional Accountancy Qualification which is beyond a Masters standard in my penultimate term, and really both of us can ill afford such obsessive needy behaviour.
Let me give you an example… for two days in a row (a couple of days back)… it was as if everything that could go wrong was going wrong. We were talking through MSN when MSN went down and I couldn’t log in. When I finally managed to log in – half our our IM were not reaching the other. And the following day my ISP Tiscali went down and I’ve never felt as on edge as I did being cut off from the Internet, as I did on that day (Thursday I think). I can only imagine that it is something like that that drives drug-users to go to extremes to get their next fix. Rather than look at it as the perfect excuse to do some of the work that has over the past 2 weeks been neglected I did everything in my power to try and sort out the Internet connection despite it being completely out of my hands. See what I mean when I say ‘obsessive behaviour’.
And to make matters even worse I’m forever feeling kind of ‘travel sick’ - the butterfly population has doubled in the last few days instead of settling down. I went to the Pharmacist who gave me some Gaviscon – to treat excessive stomach acid I think – I’m taking it for the sake of it – it’s had sod all effect really – what I really need is a visit to a Counsellor. One that can work wonders with emotionally needy clients. Arrrgggghhhhh.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Later on today I have a Mother's Day party I brought tickets for - I'll be attending with my mum, aunt, dad, brother, brother's wife & daughter, my uncle, uncle's wife & kids. So should be fun. Crap I better find something to wear.
Despite it only being 3PM I'm having a good day. I've finally think I'm making headway into patching things up with my Aunt. Things haven't been the same of late, more so aggravated by the recent tattoo against her wishes. But I don't wanna go there right now.
Today's post is about work I'm afraid. My manager informed me that I'll be receiving a 6.5% pay rise. How cool is that? Even more so because the majority of my colleagues received say in the region of 2-4%. I guess all the extra hours, the hundreds of responsibilities I take on that I really have nothing to do with, opening up the branch, closing the branch, being helpful when I can, and generally me being me, were considered arriving at the decision.
Don't get me wrong I don't do these things because I'm a kiss arse or in order to suck up. I think it's in my nature. I enjoy my work. It isn't work for name sake. I don't live for work, but whilst I'm at work I don't laze about (well not often anyway), I go there and get on with it... at the end of the day I'm there to work. I think of it as my branch. And it shows.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't do it for recognition but because I enjoy it. I hate when they make a big deal about something I've done. I almost died from embarrassment when I found out the Local Director Steve Arnold last year faxed every single branch in the Harrow & Ealing Group - a 'congratulations to Amit for passing CeMAP' note. It was quite an achievement if I'm being honest - passing all 7 exams in 6 months without failing even one is really difficult more so I was working full-time back then - but still I was mortified at the fax being distributed to so many branches. But it is nice to be recognised.
To make the day even sweeter... I've also been offered a promotion. Which I've accepted... I'll be moving up an entire grade... which again means a further 5% plus pay rise. It also means I'll be officially more senior than I am today. Which is something I've been wanted for quite a while. The consequences of that are my targets double, and that means my targets will be close to impossible for someone who works 5 hours a week. But a small price to pay.
Maybe with such impossible targets enjoyment of work may start to fall.
Good day huh?
Friday, March 16, 2007
* Kinda like Myspace or Friendster
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
It would appear in the dreamy state I'm in today I've smiled so much my cheeks are sore. I think there should be a law against being soo happy and smiley.
I started the day (I should say yesterday very very late or very very early this morning) writing a very heartfelt letter to the new guy in my life. Honestly I don't think I should have stayed awake as long as I did, writing away like that in bed, at 2.30AM I realised I'd only have 3 hours sleep. Yikes. When I awoke at 6AM, I showered and whilst having breakfast quickly typed out the letter I had poured out of my heart at 2AM earlier that morning. And emailed it to him before I left. I wanted him to wake up to that.
Then to my shock and horror I discovered just a few minutes ago he wasn't well today and was rushed to hospital. So I'm grateful I had sent that and not so bothered about my 3 hours in bed. It made him feel better he told me. How fantastic was that...
After having emailed him, I went about catching up on a couple of blogs. Alex I've read your entire blog now. The smarty pants knows four languages.... conversationally fluent I might add. Git. I know 3 fluently (Gujarati, Hindi & English) and a little of two more (French and Punjabi) - does this equate to FOUR? Just for the record he is WAY SMARTER than I. I'll have to make sure I get him to teach me a few things ;o) Right Alex?
Anyways... moving on... I don't know what it was today (maybe it was the smile - maybe the haircut - who knows...) but I lost count of the guys that checked me out. I think Alex, Jules & T are right - the hair cut must look good - coz I turned more heads then normal on my journey to Central London today. I think maybe the sunglasses helped. Oh and the red top too. Talk about being noticed. Should I say this here, all things considered? Ummmmmm. What the Hell someone even asked me out! Wow. Ahem.... of course I wasn't remotely interested of course (just for the record - he was kinda cute) - not that I was looking either obviously ;o)
Moving on.... rather fastly...funny thing happened as I left the FTC building on Borough High Street, opposite my building on the way to Borough Station, there is a building for MLD (MDL maybe) and it has this open plan ground floor office with huge plain panel windows so you can see inside. As I was walking past a guy at his desk was picking his nose (actually he had inserted his entire finger up to his half way finger joint and was digging so hard I thought for a second there must be gold in there). I hadn't realised but I had stopped walking at this point and was staring at him. He looked up obviously noticing me from the corner of his eye. I half laughing half horrified shook my head to tell him that was so gross and to stop. Finger still in his nose he laughed. Obviously the office clown I realised. I stared at him for maybe 4 or 5 more seconds and burst into laughter. I guess having had the desired effect he removed his finger and saluted me. Shaking my head in disbelief but obviously still laughing I walked on. What a nutter.
Despite my best efforts I can't seem to remove the 20 or so butterflies that appear to have permanently taken up residence in my stomach. I have felt so giddy these last three days that it's bordering being classified 'sickness' (like any minute I feel I might throw up) - do you think travel sickness pills might help? It might sound strange but that is how I feel. Like I'm travel sick. Is this was being completely infatuated with someone is supposed to feel like? Have I mentioned I've yet to meet this guy face-to-face? I hope I don't pass out when I do.
Sorry I know this is a long post but one final question... have you ever sat in a crowded train with the inability to keep from smiling. I think everyone thought I was nuts from the smiles that kept appearing on my face. Most of the journey (both ways) I had to use my hands to cover my mouth. But on the bright side my smile was catching. And I think I turned the Bakerloo carriage I was riding in - into Smile Central. Though I must admit it was very embarassing. I had to close my eyes to aviod looking people in the face, several times. But I could feel everyone's eyes boring into me. The lady sitting directly in front of me had to use her scarf to cover her mouth coz I was making her smile too. Sweet huh?
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
But most annoying the person who this is about should really be hidden from this, but won't be.... as he most annoyingly is well aware of the existence of this blog and will undoubtedly read it. Thereby possibly reading the thoughts I think are best kept to myself. And making any potential games harder to play. Let's me honest the courting phase is all about the little games. And boy have we played games.
I've met someone who kinda rocks my world. Well met is a loose definition. Come together maybe?
I would say he is good looking but he isn't. I would say he is nice but he isn't. I would say he is sexy but he isn't.
He is drop dead gorgeous not good looking. He is sweeter than words convey not merely nice. And he isn't sexy. He is anything hotter than sexy - fucking sexy maybe!
I am so into him.... and that scares me somewhat. It isn't like me to fall for someone so fast, and in such an uninhibited way. Yet when I talk to him... I feel the barriers all melt away at his slightest touch (touch is a very loose definition but almost accurate)
Its almost like I've bared my heart and soul and I've never felt so vulnerable before.
I'd be lying if I said I've never been in love before. I have. I have felt butterflies. Been lost in dreams... But somehow this feels different. It's taken this guy 2 days to succeed in what some people have tried to do for years and failed. Win my heart. Make my desire flare. Make we quiver in anticipation. Quicken my heartbeat. Take my breathe away (I swear I've been taking deeper breathes these past 2 days). Create a unquenchable thirst. Make my heart feel like putty.
Since I know you'll read this I have something I want you to know...
When I talk to you and we agree when we'll next talk for one has to leave the other for a while, my heart will pound and I will get sick to my stomach in pure anticipation. This won’t stop I know you're back or I'm back.
Kid you have the power to make or break me right now. Play it right.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
It's gone past the 150 mark now. It's no longer a joke. I have MUSIC FEVER.
1. To The Moon & Back/I Knew I Loved You (Savage Garden)
2. My Love (Kele Le Roc)
3. Try Again (Aaliyah)
4. Falling (Pink)
5. Livin' La Vida Loca (Ricky Martin)
6. Hips Don't Lie (Shakira)
7. 30 Minutes (Tatu)
8. Dirty Water (Made In London)
9. Endless Love (Lionel Richie & Diana Ross)
10. A Whole New World (Disney's Aladdin Soundtrack - Peabo Bryson & Regina Hall)
11. When The Heartbreak Is Over (Tina Turner)
12. Murder On The Dancefloor (Sophie Ellis-Bextor)
13. I Will Survive (Gloria Gaynor)
14. That Don't Impress Me Much (Shania Twain)
15. Especially For you (Kylie Minogue & Jason Donovan)
16. Can't Get You Out Of My Head/Burning Up (Kylie)
17. Every Step you Take (Puff Daddy)
18. Out Of Touch (Uniting Nations)
19. Bailamos (Enrique Iglesias)
20. Not Me, Not I (Delta Goodrem)
21. If You Had All My Love (Jennifer Lopez)
22. Holler (Spice Girls)
23. Infatuation (Christina Aquilera)
24. I'm A Slave For You/Toxic (Britney Spears)
25. Don't Cha/Beep (The Pussycat Dolls)
26. Taste it (Blue)
27. Triple Tone Eyes (Just Jack)
28. I Wanna Be The Rain (RBD)
29. Flip Reverse (Blazing Squad)
30. Confessions Of A Broken Heart (Lindsay Lohan)
31. In & Out Of My Life (Onephatdeeva)
32. Can't Decide (Scissor Sisters)
33. Yellow/Trouble (Coldplay)
34. Skater Boy (Avril Lavigne)
35. Milkshake (Kelis)
36. Can You Feel The Love Tonight (Disney's Lion King Soundtrack - Joseph Williams & Sally Dworksy)
37. Cry Me A River/Oh No What You Got (Justin Timberlake)
38. You get What You Give (New Radicals)
39. Don't Turn Off The Lights/No Hay Igual (Nelly Furtado)
40. Guilty/Miss California (Dante Thomas)
41. Gone (N*Sync)
42. Girlfriend (N*Sync featuring Nelly)
43. Please Do Me Right (Andreas Johnson)
44. Heartbreak Hotel/I Learnt From The Best (Whitney Houston)
45. Leave Right Now/Light My Fire (Will Young)
46. Faith (George Micheal)
47. Insatiable (Darren Hayes)
48. Rock Wiv You/Foolish (Ashanti)
49. Lady In Red (Chris De Burgh)
50. Never Be The Same Again (Mel C & Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes)
51. Sunrise/Stars (Simply Red)
52. How Can You Mend A Broken Heart (Al Green)
53. I'm Outta Love (Anastacia)
54. Here With You/White Flag (Dido)
55. What I Went To School For (Busted)
56. You Make Me Wanna/You Got It Bad (Usher)
57. Call You Sexy (VS)
58. Sexy (Honey Soundtrack - Shawn Desman)
59. Perfect 10 (Beautiful South)
60. Tourniquet (Evanescence)
61. Put Your Arms Around Me (Natural)
62. The Way I Feel/Switch It Off (Oakenfold)
63. Angel Of Mine/The Boy Is Mine (Brandy & Monica)
64. Mi Chico Latino (Geri Halliwel)
65. Crush (Jeniffer Paign)
66. James Dean I Wanna Know/If Your Not The One (Daniel Bedingfield)
67. In And Out (3rd Edge)
68. Wherever You Will Go (The Calling)
69. Angels (Robbie Williams)
70. Won't Take It Lying Down (Honeyz)
71. My Girl (Westlife)
72. Irresistable (Jessica Simpson)
73. What's Left Of Me (Nick Lachey)
74. Dilemma (Kelly Rowland & Nelly)
75. Baby Boy (Beyonce Knowles & Sean Paul)
76. Unbreak My Heart/He Wasn't Man Enough For Me (Toni Braxton)
77. I'm Your Angel (Celine Dion & R Kelly)
78. Sway (Shaft)
79. Summergirls (Lyte Funkie Ones)
80. Give It To You (Jordan Knight)
81. A Thousand Miles (Vanessa Carlton)
82. Stand By Me (Ben E King)
83. By Your Side (Sade)
84. Heartbreaker (Mariah Carey)
85. Walk On By (Dionne Warwick)
86. Gotta Tell You (Samantha Mamba)
87. Windmills Of Your Mind (Dusty Springfield)
88. Sugar Baby Love (The Rubettes)
89. Shake It (JC Chasez)
90. Moon River (Frank Sinatra)
91. Devil In Disguise (Elvis Presley)
92. Searching My Soul (Ally McBeal's Themetune - Vonda Shepard)
93. It's In His Kiss - The Shoop Shoop Song (Mermaid's Soundtrack - Cher & Co.)
94. Shackles - Praise You (Mary Mary)
95. S Club Party/Reach (S Club 7)
96. The Bad Touch (Bloodhound Gang)
97. All The Small Things (Blink 182)
98. The Way I Am (Eminem)
99. Karma Hotel (Spooks)
100. Case Of The Ex (Mya)
101. Sunshine/Out Of Reach (Gabrielle)
102. Two Can Play That Game (Bobby Brown)
103. Red Alert (Basement Jaxx)
104. Unleash The Dragon/The Thong Song (Sisqo)
105. It Wasn't Me (Shaggy & Ricardo 'Rikrok' Ducent)
106. Written In The Stars (LeAnn Rimes & Elton John)
107. Somewhere Over The Rainbow (Eva Cassidy)
108. Straight Up (Chante Moore)
109. Buck Rogers (Feeder)
110. Mambo No 5 (Lou Bega)
111. 2 Times (Ann Lee)
112. Sing It Back (Moloko)
113. Sweet Like Chocolate (Shanks & Bigfoot)
114. Rewind (Artful Dodger & Craig David)
115. Walking Away/7 Days (Craig David)
116. Miami (Will Smith)
117. Each Time (East 17)
118. Guess I Was A Fool (Another Level)
119. So Long (Fierce)
120. Deeper Shade Of Blue/Tragedy (STEPS)
121. Taboo (Glamma Kid & Shola Ama)
122. King Of My Castle (Wamdue Project)
123. 9PM Till I Come (ATB)
124. You Don't Know Me (Armand Van Helden)
125. Dip It Low (Christina Milian)
126. Stutter (Joe)
127. Breathe & Stop (Q-Tip)
128. Unpretty (TLC)
129. Another Day In Paradise (Brandy & Ray J)
130. California Love (2Pac)
131. Funky Love (Kavana)
132. Get It On Tonight (Montell Jordan)
133. One Thing (Amerie)
134. You Gotta Be (Des'ree)
135. Gravel Pit (Wu-Tang Clan)
136. Bufferfly (Crazy Town)
137. Oochie Wally (QB Finest)
138. Get Ur Freak On (Tomb Raider Soundtrack - Missy Elliot & Nelly Furtado) * NOT THE ORIGINAL *
139. I Breathe Again (Adam Rickitt)
140. Kiss Me (Sixpence None The Richer)
141. I Don't Wanna Close My Eyes (Aerosmith)
142. Back Here (BBMAK)
143. Wifey (Next)
144. Thank You For Loving Me (Jon Bon Jovi)
145. Dancing In The Moonlight (Toploader)
146. You Stole The Sun From My Heart (Manic Street Preachers)
147. Just Looking (Stereophonics)
148. Closing Time (Semisonic)
149. I Can Only Disappoint You (Mansun)
150. Taste In Men (Placebo)
151. Always: Your Way (My Vitriol)
152. With Arms Wide Open (Creed)
153. A Song For Lovers (Richard Ashcroft)
154. Breathe (Blu Cantrell & Sean Paul)
155. Pack Your Shit/Step Inside (Melanie B)
OKAY OKAY I KNOW IT WAS MEANT TO BE MY TOP 50 BUT I JUST COULDN'T FIT THEM ALL IN
* I believe translates to IT WAS THE MUSIC
** Reworded in proper Spanish by Alex
I was reading a post on a foreign blog – I’d reference it but to be honest there was absolutely nothing of interest in her blog but she had made a post of her music add-list – unsurprisingly all her sings were hillsongs – now call me ignorant but what the fuck is a HILLSONG? Me being someone who often has his foot in his mouth asked ‘what pray tell is a hillsong’ – a fellow blog watcher caught my ignorance and guided me rather expertly to the hillsong website. Which I found was odes to Jesus. Now since I’m not Catholic or Christian I must admit they didn’t really seem like something I’d listen to with zeal but I must say these people have amazing voices and were born to sing.
The post did however awaken that stark inside that had me musing as to what my music add-list would consist of... and what started out as one song very quickly became many.... many became more, and more fast flooded into loads. Which is why I've gone crazy making a list of songs.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Well if I haven't I did a Fire Walk in 2005 and another in 2006. Both times I had to walk on 20 ft of embers burning at 1200 degress fahrenheit - it was no mean feat - I was scared shitless... but it was for a good cause and I managed to raise £650 the first time. The second time was not as bad as the first - my family missed the first one and as it was for charity I did a second one and barely managed to raise sufficient money for it the second time £300.
Both times it was done for Phoenix House - a national charity that aims to help people end their dependency on drugs and alcohol. I lost count of the people I asked for sponsorship who asked me if I had drug/alcohol problems. I didn't thankfully. But I had drunk excessively in my teens and can sympathise with people who weren't as lucky as me when it came to cutting down. I don't drink at all now. I'm the type of person who can't stop after one.
Well anyway getting to the point... I recieved a letter from Phoenix Futures (as it's now called) - asking if I'd be interested in taking part in one of their future fundraising events/challenges. And guess what?
They're looking for volunteers to
a. Trek up Mount Kilimanjaro (9 days)
b. Trek up Mount Everest (18 days)
c. Trek up Mount Kinabalu, cycle across Borneo, & White Water Raft (10 days)
d. Trekking across The Great wall Of China & helping rebuilt part of it by carrying bricks up the 1000s steps (9 days)
e. Trek to the Lost City of the Incas Machu Picchu (10 days)
f. Fire Walk
g. Glass Walk (Advanced Fire Walking)
h. Parachute Jump
i. Cycles all around UK
j. Marathons all around the UK
Now I had a freak accident on a bike when I was very little and can not bare the thought of cycling anymore. So anything involving a bike is out for me. I don't run very well either so there goes that too.
That leaves me wanting to either do
1. Trek up Kilimanjaro
2. Trek up Mount Everest
3. Great Wall Of China - I wanna see it more than trek across or help rebuilt it (did you know this is the only man-made object visible from space?)
4. Incan Trail
5. Parachute Jump
6. Glass Walk
Now I really want to do a parachute jump but it really doesn't compare to how much I want to do hike up Kilimanjaro or Mount Everest. Everest being the choice of preference (it's the highest mountain in the world)
But problem is: Everest one is in October 2007 - which is bang in the middle of my pre-exam revision phase. And Kilikmanjaro is in January 2008, after my exams.
Hard choice huh?
So there you have it... If it all goes well I may be hiking up Mount Kilimanjaro in less than a year's time.
Yay me! But I gotta get £3000 in sponsorship... and that is not going to be easy. I'm gonna see if I can have a word with the Local Director of Lloyds TSB (my employer) and see if they may be willing to sponsor me a grand. Time to kiss ass.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Here we go:
YOUR REAL NAME: Amit
YOUR GANGSTA NAME (1st 4 letters plus izzle): Amitizzle
YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (fave color + fave animal): Red Lion
YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name + childhood street): Sky James
YOUR STAR WARS NAME (last 3 letters of your last name + first 2 letters of your first name + first 3 letters of Mom's maiden name): Hahamgan
YOUR SUPER HERO NAME (2nd fave color + fave drink): Yellow Tequilla
YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name + 3rd letter of your last name + any letter of your middle name + 2nd letter of your Mom's maiden name + 3rd letter of your Dad's middle name + 1st letter of a sibling's first name + last letter of your Mom's middle name): Masaadi (weirdly sounds Iraqi)
YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM NAME (Grandma/Grandpa's first name + Jones): Manek Jones
YOUR GOTH NAME (Black + name of one of your pets): Black Whsiper
YOUR AMERICAN IDOL NAME (fav car and sea food): Merc Cod
NAME OF YOUR DREAM BAND (name of computer + printer): Rogue Packard
MOVIE STAR NAME (sibling's middle name + mother-in-law's maiden name): Pramod Pramod
YOUR ALTER EGO NAME (name of one your childhood pets + popular brand of clothes when you were young): Whisper Inside
YOUR LAWYER NAME (fav actor's last name + fav hard liquor): Hernandez JD
YOUR HIP HOP NAME (fav candy + fruit): Cola Bottles Passion
I can’t believe I wasted time doing that. Oh well at least you know a few things about me now.
PS – I have no middle name so I made one up. Sky. I want to actually change my name to that I can incorporate ‘Sky’ in. Bit if I have that as my middle name my initials become ASS – so I haven’t as of yet.
PSS - And I have no mother-in-law last time I checked so I used my mother instead
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Apparently this is what the Dalai Lama had to say some time ago...
* Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
* When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
* Follow the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions
* Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. (I really hope this is true, but I guess time will tell)
* Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. (Wise man)
* Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship. (Easier said than done)
* When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. (LOL)
* Spend some time alone everyday.
* Open arms to changes, but don’t let go of your values.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
* A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. (Again easier said than done)
* In disagreement with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
* Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
* Be gentle with the earth.
* Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
* Remember that the best relationship is the one which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
* Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
* Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon. (T - does this approach to cooking work or am I at risk of burning the kitchen down?)
Seriously after that no wonder Buddists are so wise and live such pleasant endearing lives. I think I wanna convert!
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Take yesterday for example - after I'd written my post I was speaking to Nick about it and how is that not the weirdest most irrational fear to have - getting ones hair cut. He laughed - he couldn't believe he didn't know this about me.
He very mockingly sympathised. I ignored the mockingly. And he invited me over later. The guys were there surprise surprise. They all looked at me very suspiciously (the other day I did a superhero test and apparently I'm Spiderman) and I felt a gay-spider-tingle and knew something was up. Nick walked over and past me. Rabbit walked to my left and Dee to my right. The others watched. Nick grabbed me from behind and the others joined in. Before one could scream GANG-BANG or RAPE - they'd pinned me on the sofa in the living room with my head hanging off the side - this was all at a rather uncomfortable angle. Confused but weary I resisted.
I had no idea what was up until Rabbit returned from Nick's bedroom wielding a hair-trimming thingy. To say I made as much noise as humanly possible would be no understatement but poor small tiny smurf sized me was being pinned by four almost strapping guys and there was no way I'd be able to break free. I swear the neighbour called the police who turned up an hour later (If something was really up I'd have been dead and the body would have been disposed off half an hour ago)
Within 30 minutes (actually a lot of pain later - the device they used was crude and not adequently oiled) my head was mostly shaved. They let me go after this as the final touches needed to be done with me co-operating. And I cooperated at this point as the damage had been done - my hair was all gone.
So there you have it. I went from 6 or 7 inch long hair to less than 1/2 inch hair. And I swear my hair looks comical - it's completely uneven and there is no real style to it - except that its short.
But as Nick so clearly put it "at least you didn't have to go to a hairdresser".
With friends like that - who needs enemies.
Funnily enough it still feels surreal and I woke up this morning and burst into laughter. How does one correct something like this. I'm gonna need a grade one all over - but strangely the randomness to it - is kinda growing on me (no pun intended)
I may have to post a picture at some point (I may have a before!)
Monday, March 05, 2007
Sunday, March 04, 2007
|Your Aura is Red|
You have a high level of emotion. This can mean passion, but it can also mean rage.
Usually, you don't take these emotions out on others. You just use them as motivation - and it works!
The purpose of your life: embracing all the wonders of the life, lots of travels, and tons of adventures
Famous reds include: Madonna, Marilyn Monroe, Jennifer Lopez
Careers for you to try: Dancer, Boxer, Surgeon
I think this one is my favourite one
[SSD laughs evilly & unearthly]
|You Are 82% Evil|
You're the most evil person you know.
The devil is even a little scared of you!
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Jules I feel you may be the most suitable to answer this (most obviously as your sex organs are internal) but what exactly does a woman (girl) mean when she says (and I quote - as I have it saved on my phone) - it arrived as a text...
"I don't know why but I think you'll make a good father. Haha a bit random thought. Anyways, speak to you later. Good night"
Guys please don't feel left out - I'd like to know everyone's thoughts. All input will be appreciated.
To give a bit more of a background - this is the girl I've been out with a couple of times.
Is this her just stating a fact?
Is this her giving me her opinion?
Is this her saying she wants me to father her babies?
Or am I reading too much into it?
Thursday, March 01, 2007
My dad celebrates his 65th birthday today. And the scary thing is I'm only 24. That's a whopping 40 year difference.
I knew this was coming... I've know it for days now... but this is huge and I can't seem to get past it.
Normally things like this would not have affected me as the way I've lived my life in the past has always steered me clear of him. If I was visiting my mum - I'd always pick a time to go around when I knew he wouldn't be there.
After years of neglect, absence and not-caring on his part during the years I lived at home (not just me - the whole family) - I find I have little time for him and his charades. I don't really have a relationship with him, I never have and I very likely never will - I know this - so I don't pretend things are okay. For my mum's sake I may say hello to him if he crosses my path.
And then last year May - so many things changed. For my mum's & niece's sake I helped them out financially to move closer to my Aunt and I (they live a 2 minute walk away now) and I find unconsciously that the family that became my ex-family has become my family again and I'm still trying to grasp that fact and accept that reality.
I knew there would be consequences when I made that decision last year to move them so close but if it means my mum lives a happier life for the remaining years in her life (God knows how miserable her life had been and probably still is somewhat) then it's a small price to pay.
Main problem is that with my mum now so close she expects me to come over for dinner and refuses to allow me to cook for myself when she is so nearby. She sees it like and it upsets her profoundly when I don't. I've given in now and find myself there at 7pm and left by 8pm. She'd rather I do this than eat at home (come, eat and go) but it means now that all of a sudden my isolated individual lifestyle has changed and I find myself in a family dynamic again. And now at 65 my dad seems forever at home and conflicts I'd resigned to fighting seem ever ready to explode. For my mum's sake I steer clear. But it infuriates me when he claims that he wasn't absent when I was growing up and cared very much. All I have to show that he cared was a N64 (Nintendo gaming system) that he helped finance in my very early teens - which ironically my brother borrowed and pawned off to a neighbour for £20 without my consent. The height of irony.
So I have an invite to my dad's 65th birthday celebration that I can't not go to and I find I've somehow been given the task of arranging a cake. How do I let myself into these situations?