Monday, February 25, 2008

Who? Ex Thats Who.

Despite the fact that we haven’t yet even hit the quarter year mark.. this year has already become a most interesting year.

I don’t want to make this post about X.. he is really nothing more than a backdrop to this post.. but since meeting X I have found his presence in my life has been almost magnetic.. quite literally altering the course and direction of my life.

Prior to him.. gay Indians were something of fables.. you occasionally heard about them.. occasionally you got to correspond with one here and there.. but sometimes actually having someone a part of your life is very different. Since X I have met 12 other gay Indians (as in actually physically met and been able to touch) and that is ALOT when you’ve personally known NONE really.

Its very strange.

Now remember when I said that this year has become most interesting? Read in between the lines here.. its more like my life is slightly FUCKED UP right now.. well here is what I mean:

1. X’s lover seems to want to become my best friend.. he has already invited me to his house several times (without X).. all of which I have politely refused. As much as this gezzer is a nice guy.. I know he made a move on one of X’s mates some time ago and it really screwed up X.. and well I don’t even want to go there so its best to avoid him like the plague unless X is there as a buffer.

2. I completely made out with a friend’s ex. I know I know I know.. what can I say other than I’m a complete tart but I was having a bad day and said ex offered me comfort in the form of a kiss and cuddle and things quickly escalated. I can’t believe I actually ended up with this guy’s penis in my hand and that this guy has had both my penis and my friend’s penis in his mouth. This so completely goes against every accepted rule within the friendship-book but then I can hide behind the fact that he made the first move.. excluding of course the fact that I had my hand on his thigh over coffee in Starbucks for almost over an hour prior to this. The bastard gave me a hickey that I didn’t notice until someone pointed it out. Damn he is good.

3. A guy completely head over heels in love with a mutual friend.. is falling for me as well and I’m not sure what to do about it. This is the sweetest guy alive but there is like zip chemistry. Why I can’t I fall for someone like this? I really enjoy his company but I have the constant battle with my head telling me I should maintain some distance as well.

4. I meet the cutest guy alive at a housewarming party I gate-crashed.. but he is with someone – and they make the cutest couple *sigh* that I couldn’t bare it if someone tried to break them up. Grrr.. why are all the good ones taken? Dunno why I mentioned this.. I just think this guy warranted a mention ;o)

5. Ironically the guys whose housewarming part I gate-carshed above is like deep I think I wanna get to know him. There are aspects about him that will undoubtedly be in contrast and others akin. I look forward to getting to know him better. Best of all - he didn't seem at all fussed that I had gate-crashed his party. He made an amazing host.

6. I officially told my brother that I’m gay. He doesn’t know what to do with this information but for the better part he has been great with it despite the fact that I clearly see he isn’t okay with it.. but that he is making an effort is the most important part.. and I admire him for that. But he seems to think he now needs to monitor my whereabouts and whom I am with.. which is frustrating at the best of times and unbearable at the worse.

7. My post exam celebration with my family turned into World War 3 and I in absolute livid rage walked out of the house and roamed outside for over an hour until a significant portion of that rage subsided and my brother luckily happened upon me. Would you believe they made me cancel my plans so that we could all go out and celebrate, and then a horrid comment was made towards me that made me walk out? That’s what you get when you put family first. This was the act that required the warmth and comfort of a bloke inside me… come in said ex.

8. Right now I’m waiting for said ex to come do me. I rang his office and asked for a quote.. as the only d├ęcor planner in today.. guess who comes out to my house to do it? The only thing he’ll get to see is my bedroom walls.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Anyone For A Cuppa Kismet?

Its truly incredible how things in life play out.

Fate.

Such a simple.. and yet such a powerful word.

I’ve never understood fate.. and I’m not sure I ever will in this lifetime either.. and truth is when you don’t understand something.. you can not learn to appreciate it. The only thing you can do is recognise it.

For a Godless individual.. fate is meaningless. He is blind to it. Yet there are times when even in the apparent darkness.. a light shines. How does one ignore such light?

Yet despite my multiple efforts to shake the feeling.. I fear I’ve started to picture myself as a train.. rocketing away at a superhuman speed.. so fast in fact that my surroundings all blur with a lack of clarity.. maybe this is the reason why I can’t see those tracks I follow. When I look up I see the horizon and the opportunities that lay just out of reach.. and its only when I look down and try to focus that I see the occasional line of train track that inevitably seems to be guiding my direction.

A powerful metaphor I hope.

Let me try to explain what I mean.

Take my ACCAs as an example. I come from a very close knit family, and as a result I was born into a very strong support system. We are always there for one another and so I’ve never had to embark on anything without blessings and support from them.. yet in the instance when I choose to do my ACCAs they refused to support me.. rather choosing to stand against me and insist that the decision was a bad one and that I already had a good job that I shouldn’t walk away from it. I bit my bottom lip and did what my heart told me I should... todate I found this to be my biggest motivational factor.. failing to achieve my ACCAs would have undoubtedly provided an opportunity to say ‘we told you not to do this’.. and thus falling flat on my face was not an option I would ever have found acceptable.. so I worked like a bitch and put everything on hold in order to achieve this goal.. everything and everyone (even myself).. and I’m not going to hesitate in saying that it was their lack of support that propelled me forwards and I never allowed myself to waver or to accept defeat. I look at many of my friends doing their ACCAs and with their supportive family networks they often seem to lack the drive that forced me forwards so strongly.

I can’t shake the feeling that it could have been fate that a family who have ALWAYS supported my every decision in my career chose not to support me.. almost like it was in order for me to find the motivation to achieve what thousands fail each year to do.

Another example is X. When I met him.. I had the potential to fall hard.. harder than I have ever fallen for anyone.. and despite the fact that I am closer to him than any other guy in my life.. having suffered from the claw-back of a three-way emotional triangle with a certain someone of Mexican origin early last year.. I approached X with caution (the comment I had made in a previous post rings true here.. when I said the more I discover about him.. the more distance builds between us and the closer we get). This old memory has enabled me to flirt with X but remain completely emotionally disconnected. The last week I’ve discovered a side to X that makes me so glad I am so emotionally detached. I always wondered what the reason behind Alex being in my life was.. I feel this was it.. to enable me to have X in my life and retain emotional detachment. But meeting X has brought people into my life that I think I was destined to meet (I know how this sounds.. but work with me here).. two of his closest friends are now amongst my closest friends. One of whom I spoke with for over 2 hours on the phone (after maybe spending maybe an hour with him in person). The other has almost become an elder brother of sorts.

Even with work. I was so cut up on the day when I heard that I didn’t get the Lloyds TSB job that I applied for.. I returned home and applied to a role I saw on the NHS website with a great deal of fervour and strife. The only application I made that whole week. This role has turned into what can only be described as a dream job. Its training is unparallel and will provide just about everything in a career one can dream of. Have I said yet that I was offered this role even before they interviewed all the candidates and I have accepted it?

Fate at work maybe?

I can give dozens of things in my life recently as examples but I’ll stop there coz its almost eerie to think about.

Anyone else feeling the Goosebumps?

Monday, February 18, 2008

Above It All

Here I stand on the crest of Mount Life.

It feels good. The breeze carries a crisp freshness that almost makes all of ones woes float away. Almost. Nothing is exactly right but nothing can touch me right now.

I am above it all.

I am stronger than ever before.

In fact I am invincible.

For I am proud!

The moment is priceless.

A true MasterCard moment.

The path has been tough.. I have lain in bed with thorns and daggers, fought a bitter winter that robbed me of hope, lost footing in the arms of war, and worse was the brush with the need to yield. But never did I waver.. never did I bow my head.. never did I accept defeat.

... and now that I have found my way outta the dark twisting perilous tunnel I am bathed in a glorious light.

I have seen my most treasured dream come true.

I have passed my final exams and achieved what I have strived so hard to do this these last couple of years.

Can anything touch me now.. I think not.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

My Anti Valentine


I'm not sure how the fuck I get myself into these fixs but despite having plans for Valentines Eve tonight.. I scraped those and decided to go out with X and his *coughs* lover *laughs* to watch Jodhaa Akbar instead.. a Hindi love story.

Wanna guess what my original plans were? I was gonna go see the same movie (albiet sans X)

But I think I have a screw loose in my head. When did my world get so twisted that I find it okay to go out (on Valentines Eve) with X and his lover? And that he finds it okay to invite me along?

Seriously I have to find the brakes on this before it gets completely out of hand. Yet less than 24 hours ago we just agreed to get more hands on each other *sighs*

Damn it. What am I doing to myself?

HAPPY VALENTINES Y'ALL

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

A Silver Lining

The dark cloud hanging overhead seems to have for the better part dissipated, and the resistance to blogging is somewhat lighter.. ironically the weather in London is also quite nice right now too. Not nice like it would be Dubai or anything but nice in the sense that it is neither raining nor snowing, in fact right now the sun is out.. which considering its February is simply shocking.

I’m pretty certain that I have a job sorted out too. Since it’s a public sector job.. whilst I’ve received an offer.. it is not quite yet an official offer yet.. as that can only be made after certain procedures such as references are obtained. But as if my current employer is gonna give me a bad reference.. they love me :o)

As for things with X.. things are actually really well. We’ve had some eyebrows being raised.. ironically we both tell the other when someone mentions how close we’re getting.. I can’t believe its only been three weeks since I met him.. it feels like I’ve never not known him.

I think it would be fairly pointless for me to say I’m very tongue in cheek.. but what is one supposed to think when a young man practically strips in front of you.. Does one assume an invitation has been offered?

X had plans on Friday night.. and I’m not even sure how I ended up at his place to help him decide what to wear.. but I did. I sat on his bed while he tried on virtually everything in his closet. Having spent over an hour watching him dress.. err maybe perv is a better word… I had to finally tell him to put his pants back on. There are limits to how much one can perv. After having decided what he would wear he jumped into the shower.

I was mildly taken aback when having had a shower he stepped into the room still dripping wet with nothing but his towel draped across his waist. Holey sweet Jesus.. it took all my resistance to not jump him (his mum was in the room next door). He then attempted (and yes I stress attempted) to put a fresh pair of boxers on without completely exposing himself. Seriously there was no sexual energy in the room up until this point but all of a sudden there was oodles of it. I’m pretty certain that he unintentionally got hard and was no longer able to slip them on as a result without that being made obvious. He retreated to the bathroom with boxers in hand and I took the opportunity to adjust myself. Hot damn. When he returned all he said was ‘I’m so shameless.’ We spoke no more of it.

But seriously.. would anyone else in the same scenario assume that this was an invitation?

And then the other day, unable to ignore it anymore we broached the subject, since up to that point, we only skirted around it. We were on MSN and he said he was going to bed coz he had a headache... and then out of the blue this happened…

X: You missing me?
Me: No.. not really
X: Don’t lie
Me: A little
X: I know your waiting for the day I spend 2 hours taking and putting on my clothes in front of you again
Me: No not really
X: Don’t pretend you didn’t have a woody
X: HAHA
Me: No seriously I’m not waiting for that.. I’m waiting for you to take ALL your clothes off
X: Hmmm
X: How long you prepared to wait
Me: How long you planning on making me wait?
X: Not sure
Me: I get bored easily
X: Well then your loss
Me: Your getting as bad as me

X mentions Crush at this point.. he knows I fancy and flirt with him too. I enjoy toying with him but right now I don’t want to talk about Crush so I steer the conversation back to me and him.

X: Honestly speaking if I came onto you would you not push me away?
Me: Dunno.. try and see
X: No I’m too scared
Me: Well I would have come onto you ages ago if I didn’t have some reservations.

The conversation gets personal with details I don’t want to talk about here. We talk about some of these reservations.

X: Anyway you maybe lucky next time I may go beyond the boxers...only after u sit for 2 hours helping me decide though.
Me: Maybe I’ll help you out of your boxers
X: And then what?
Me: Depends.. where might YOU want to take it? If your asking if I'd have sex with you.. maybe. I AM attracted to you.. I've made that bait from day 1 as far as I'm concerned
Me: But IF.. and I stress if.. we go there.. right now.. it would be very much NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
X: Definitely.

An interesting conversation, wouldn’t you say?

Seems to me.. that he wants me to make the first move.

Yet despite all my forwardness.. I've rarely ever had to make a first move. I normally indicate my interest and allow myself to be pursued. But seems like I might have to make an exception for X.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

English translation of Jashn-e-bahaara

This isn’t really a post as such but something I want to put on my blog. Its a English translation of a song called Jashn-e-bahaara.



Jashn-e-bahaara is a song from movie called Jodhaa Akbar (the video above) and charts the feeling between the characters Jodhaa & Akbar immediately after marriage. Akbar had married Jodhaa for political reasons, and Jodhaa resented being reduced to a mere political pawn in this marriage of alliance. The song is deep and is the work of the A.R Rahman (singer & writer) and this song is in my opinion one of the best pieces of work I’ve ever heard him create.. it embodies pain in joy.

As a Indian my mother tongue is Gujarati.. which (if I’m being honest) in its elite form is hard for even myself (who speaks fluent Gujarati) to understand. The film is in Hindi and partially Urdu. Since I understand only a limited amount of Hindi and no Urdu.. understanding the song was quite hard.. the song adopts elite Hindi. Finally after days, and I stress that, DAYS, I have finally decoded (in my mind anyway) what I think the songs means. I’m sure there are some lines that are wrong but its close to impossible to actually make a literal translation from Hindi/Gujarati into English. The translation touched me soo much I couldn’t help but want to put it out onto the Internet in the hope that if anyone is trying to understand the song might stumble across it.

Enjoy.

Kehne ko Jashn-e-bahaara hai
Ishq yeh dekh ke hairaan hai


It is said that this is a celebration of spring
but love is distressed to see...

Kehne ko Jashn-e-bahaara hai
Ishq yeh dekh ke hairaan hai
Phool se khushboo khafa khafa hai gulshan mein
Chhupa hai koi ranj fiza ki chilman mein


It is said that this is a celebration of spring
but love is distressed to see
that in the garden, the fragrance is shying away from the flowers.
There is a hidden sorrow in the curtain of the happy air.

Saare sehmein nazaare hain
Soye soye waqt ke dhaare hain
Aur dil mein khoyi khoyi si baatein hain


The slow sleepy flow of time has
silenced much of the sorrow here
and many unsaid things are lost in the heart.

Kehne ko Jashn-e-bahaara hai
Ishq yeh dekh ke hairaan hai
Phool se khushboo khafa khafa hai gulshan mein
Chhupa hai koi ranj fiza ki chilman mein


It is said that this is a celebration of spring
but love is distressed to see
that in the garden, the fragrance is shying away from the flowers.
There is a hidden sorrow in the curtain of the happy air.

Kaise kahein kya hai sitam
Sochte hain ab yeh hum
Koi kaise kahein woh hain ya nahi hamaare


How does one say what troubles them so.
I wonder this now
how does one actually tell you that they are not in love with you?

Karte to hain saath safar
Faasle hain phir bhi magar
Jaise milte nahi kisi dariya ke do kinaare


We journey through life together,
but there exists a distance between us
like that of the two banks of a river that never meet.

Pass hain phir bhi paas nahi
Humko yeh gham raas nahi
Seeshe ki ek diwar hai jaise darmiyaan


We are together, yet we are not.
This pain of separation is unacceptable to me.
There is, as it were, a wall of glass divides us.

Saare sehmein nazaare hain
Soye soye waqt ke dhaare hain
Aur dil mein khoyi khoyi si baatein hain


The slow sleepy flow of time has
quietened much of the sorrow here
and many unsaid things are lost in the heart.

Kehne ko Jashn-e-bahaara hai
Ishq yeh dekh ke hairaan hai
Phool se khushboo khafa khafa hai gulshan mein
Chhupa hai koi ranj fiza ki chilman mein


It is said that this is a celebration of spring
but love is distressed to see
that in the garden, the fragrance is shying away from the flowers.
There is a hidden sorrow in the curtain of the happy air.

Hum ne jo tha naghma suna
Dil ne tha usko chuna
Yeh dastaan hamein waqt ne kaisi sunaai


The tune that I thought I would hear
was the song that my heart chose.
But what is this tune that fate has chosen for me to hear instead?

Hum jo agar hain gumgheen
Woh bhi udhar khush to nahi
Mulaquaato mein hai jaise ghul si gai tanhai


If it can be said that I am sad,
truth is she is not happy there either.
It is as if our encounters are blended with loneliness.

Milke bhi hum milte nahi
Khilke bhi gul khilte nahi
Aankhon mein hai baharein dil mein khiza


We meet but we do not unite
The flower blooms but doesn’t blossom.
When I look around I see that it is spring but there is an autumn in my heart.

Saare sehmein nazaare hain
Soye soye waqt ke dhaare hain
Aur dil mein khoyi khoyi si baatein hain


The slow sleepy flow of time has
quietened much of the sorrow here
and many unsaid things are lost in the heart.

Kehne ko Jashn-e-bahaara hai
Ishq yeh dekh ke hairaan hai
Phool se khushboo khafa khafa hai gulshan mein
Chhupa hai koi ranj fiza ki chilman mein


It is said that this is a celebration of spring
but love is distressed to see
that in the garden the fragrance is shying away from the flowers.
There is a hidden sorrow in the curtain of the happy air.