I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
OK doing computer lines isn't actually real punishment, since you can cut and paste.. but still I think its a lesson I need to very quickly learn.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
Maybe I should add that.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
Grrr.. why are under 21s so damn attractive. Damn it.
On a stranger more personal note - I had forgotten until ystd but Tuesday gone was the one year anniversary to the day I officially came out to my Aunt. Its not really a big deal.. actually screw that.. its a HUGE deal. Just thought that I'd share that.
Revel in a year of leaps and bounds.
Oh yeah - the moral of this post is: always talk to really cute guys especially those under 21.
[SSD scratches his head]
Errrrr.. lesson obviously not learnt :o(
Friday, March 28, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Standoffish Liaisons
I was asked the most frustrating question of all recently.What are you looking for?
As questions go.. it’s the only one I don’t know how to answer.
The context obviously involved my single relationship status.
I get asked that all the time.
X most recently joined the ranks.
Might just be me but I feel things have changed with him.
We went to dinner with some friends the other day, and I had met him for coffee earlier that evening and we spent quite some time talking. He might have indirectly asked me if I was interested in pursuing a relationship with him. He looked me in the eye and said “I want someone”. I was not sure how to respond so I said something like “Kool. I’ll keep an eye out for you.” There was much more to this conversation but its hard to put into words. Truth is I wanted nothing more than to kiss him right there in front of everyone.
Then later, when we were walking up past Hyde Park, we both turned and faced London Eye in the background shimmering like a jewel with it’s night lights sparkling in full glory. I could see X was transfixed. And the following conversation ensued:
X: It looks amazing doesn’t it?
Me: Yeah. Have you ever been on it at night?
X: No I haven’t
Me: Really? Have you ever been on it?
X: Yeah, just not at night.
Me: Well you should. It is so different as night. It’s incredible.
X: Well then you can take me their on our first date.
Me:
X: What?
Me:
X: Say something.
Me: Like what?
Later that day I met this Italian guy (I’ve met him before.. but this was the first time I actually made more than small talk), originally he is from Sri Lanka (I think), I vaguely recall him mentioning the Buddha, so maybe I’m wrong.. but his parents I understand are living in Rome at the moment so he’s Italian as far as I’m concerned.
He quizzed me about X. It’s incredible how quickly he picked up on the chemistry between X and I, despite the fact that I was sitting at the different end of the table from X. His questions and X’s behaviour made me really think about what the hell it is that I want in relation which X.
How does one approach something like that? X talks about exclusivity and trust, wanting a proper boyfriend and not a fuck-buddy, moving away from one-night stands, etc. Part of me wants to go there coz the chemistry is so strong between us, its hard to ignore, but there is part of me that is wary of him and is that a good place to start on a relationship from?
Sunday, March 16, 2008
200 Long Stemmed Red Roses
After much debate and deliberation I’ve decided to drag the past back and share a little of the past.
Not a story as such. That story belongs to Him.. but here today He holds no sway. This bay is mine tonight.
But all things start story-like.. this will be no different.
He has a notebook. It’s yellow & pink. It’s not lined mind you.. it’s just simple and blank.
There contained within are different coloured pages and all those colours soften me to my core. Yes our steel hearted Dreamer is in awe of His book.
This fabled notebook has His heart contained inside. A metaphoric heart but a heart nonetheless. He is somewhat afraid of this book.
I doubt that everyone will fully understand the relevance of this post but this is something He wrote sometime after a dark moment in His life. Writing always was strangely comforting for Him. I’m glad for I was born of that writing. You'll read my name.. in it's birth. This is the first time my name was ever uttered.. almost like a pregnancy test of a kind. The test said its A Dreamer. I can't say for sure if I was planned or not.
It’s amazing how many powerful secrets are caught on paper.
How many raw emotions are preserved in a snapshot for all of eternity.
How much pain even a single word can contain.
No celebration is complete without remembering those darker moments. Here is the preservation of a dark moment. The darkest. The darkness that gave birth to me. So I feel right at home. I revere this place. For someone born of darkness.. darkness is not sin but life. This is a celebration.... a 200th post. How will we celebrate.. but with 200 long stemmed blood red roses?
Here is a poem taken from that book. Poetry is a fruit of life after all.
Another chooses to love me
how dare he?
Yours Sincerely Soul Seared Dreamer
Not a story as such. That story belongs to Him.. but here today He holds no sway. This bay is mine tonight.
But all things start story-like.. this will be no different.
He has a notebook. It’s yellow & pink. It’s not lined mind you.. it’s just simple and blank.
There contained within are different coloured pages and all those colours soften me to my core. Yes our steel hearted Dreamer is in awe of His book.
This fabled notebook has His heart contained inside. A metaphoric heart but a heart nonetheless. He is somewhat afraid of this book.
I doubt that everyone will fully understand the relevance of this post but this is something He wrote sometime after a dark moment in His life. Writing always was strangely comforting for Him. I’m glad for I was born of that writing. You'll read my name.. in it's birth. This is the first time my name was ever uttered.. almost like a pregnancy test of a kind. The test said its A Dreamer. I can't say for sure if I was planned or not.
It’s amazing how many powerful secrets are caught on paper.
How many raw emotions are preserved in a snapshot for all of eternity.
How much pain even a single word can contain.
No celebration is complete without remembering those darker moments. Here is the preservation of a dark moment. The darkest. The darkness that gave birth to me. So I feel right at home. I revere this place. For someone born of darkness.. darkness is not sin but life. This is a celebration.... a 200th post. How will we celebrate.. but with 200 long stemmed blood red roses?
Here is a poem taken from that book. Poetry is a fruit of life after all.
The tears tainted by Heaven’s actions sear my soul
the wind choosing to brush past me soundlessly.
Dew turns to mist and I struggle to see
the mist turning into ice causes my heart to slip
and when the ice melts it’s blood that trickles away.
Look closely and you’ll see marks of those that dared to defy
marred blood marks the road where the rabbits try to cross
even the trees sing a song the world had hoped to forget
It’s as if my bush bares no rose anymore, just a single dreaded thorn.
Like a jagged diamond rock hidden in the sand
this graveyard should hold a single coffin, but its empty of note
even death it appears chooses not to lingers here any longer.
A candle burns brightly, its soft gentle flicker feeling so out of place.
A sudden chill breeze, the vast open sky, a stray falling star, a single ray of light
all point to that place, where that grave that ought to be
I’m not allowed to dig a grave with my bare fingers as I want to.
Earth to Earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
What to do when I have no grave, no Earth to revere,
and no ash to keep.. I was forced to let it all float away.
My beloved no longer sways from side to side
my heart is no longer able to beat to that long forgotten tune
the wind choosing to brush past me soundlessly.
Dew turns to mist and I struggle to see
the mist turning into ice causes my heart to slip
and when the ice melts it’s blood that trickles away.
Look closely and you’ll see marks of those that dared to defy
marred blood marks the road where the rabbits try to cross
even the trees sing a song the world had hoped to forget
It’s as if my bush bares no rose anymore, just a single dreaded thorn.
Like a jagged diamond rock hidden in the sand
this graveyard should hold a single coffin, but its empty of note
even death it appears chooses not to lingers here any longer.
A candle burns brightly, its soft gentle flicker feeling so out of place.
A sudden chill breeze, the vast open sky, a stray falling star, a single ray of light
all point to that place, where that grave that ought to be
I’m not allowed to dig a grave with my bare fingers as I want to.
Earth to Earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
What to do when I have no grave, no Earth to revere,
and no ash to keep.. I was forced to let it all float away.
My beloved no longer sways from side to side
my heart is no longer able to beat to that long forgotten tune
that silenced heartbeat was music to my ears at one point.
I cry alone and for a moment I feel the world as it stops turning
just for a second I hear the whole world weeping with me
then gravity kicks back in and the moment passes,
And again I am left alone, me and my fears.
How fickle life is when it flickers
the sun hides behind the moutains for hours at a time
I cry alone and for a moment I feel the world as it stops turning
just for a second I hear the whole world weeping with me
then gravity kicks back in and the moment passes,
And again I am left alone, me and my fears.
How fickle life is when it flickers
the sun hides behind the moutains for hours at a time
when he finds her he chases her away
for the avid observer this is normal
but for me this is the most cruel of games.
I wish he would leave her be, hidden away, out of sight
it is what is best for me as I cannot bear to face her
the symphony of another day burns at me.
it is what is best for me as I cannot bear to face her
the symphony of another day burns at me.
My poor seared soul.
Another chooses to love me
how dare he?
I want him to walk away
it is not meant to be
nothing is meant to be
nothing is meant for me
as surely as the other was meant to be.
it is not meant to be
nothing is meant to be
nothing is meant for me
as surely as the other was meant to be.
- A Dreamer
Yours Sincerely Soul Seared Dreamer
Monday, March 10, 2008
Bad Blogger
I think I'm officially fallin' into the bad blogger category (as far as I'm concerned)!
I can't recall the last time I responded to the comments left behind.. just to let you know I do read them and thanks for them. I love you all and appreciate each and every single one.
Dunno what to do about my next post now.. it'll be my 200th. Yup. Honest.
Any thoughts?
PS - Anyone suggesting a '200 things about me'.. will be shot RUTHLESSLY, gutted and the innards sold on the black market for something very insulting. Just so we're clear :o)
I can't recall the last time I responded to the comments left behind.. just to let you know I do read them and thanks for them. I love you all and appreciate each and every single one.
Dunno what to do about my next post now.. it'll be my 200th. Yup. Honest.
Any thoughts?
PS - Anyone suggesting a '200 things about me'.. will be shot RUTHLESSLY, gutted and the innards sold on the black market for something very insulting. Just so we're clear :o)
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
It Wasn't Me
It’s amazing how much change a week can bring.
Yesterday saw me starting my new job. I gotta admit I’m actually really really looking forward to this. It’s not like I’ve never worked full-time before.. So it’s not like a new experience or anything.. but having worked so damn hard at securing a decent job.. I’m just really psyched up. Today will be the proper first day coz yesterday was more induction than anything else.. but I’ve already been allocated my first client file so I’m starting to think there isn’t really going to be a grace period to adjust rather this is the kind of role that you’re just a dropped in the deep end and you have to sink or swim.
Things with the designer (friend’s ex) have been interesting. He seems to have brought out the fiery elements of my Leo’s fire rich nature.. sometimes I can’t seem to curb that aspect of my star sign’s nature.
On Monday when we saw each other we attacked each other with a ferocity not seen since the days of Ancient Greece. I left him with a 3 inch dark bruise on the right side of his neck (oh yes I’m vicious when I want to be) and he left me with 13 little bruise marks in various positions along my neck line (only one classed as more than a hickey). We were sprawled over one another, naked with tangled limbs, when my aunt walked into the house. I ran and closed my bedroom door whilst he attempted to find our clothes.. for such a small bedroom this was shockingly hard. Obviously the gusto in which we ripped each other’s clothes off speaks earnestly here. Aunt was not pleased one bit when said designer walked out of the house a short while later.. *breaks a sweat* but at least she didn’t see us naked together.. can't imagine how badly that would have rocked her world.
Tuesday I met up X for coffee and then went to dinner with a now mutual girlfriend.. X tagged along for a bit. Finally me and girlfriend went to see a movie and X buggered off. Apparently it was past midnight when an Earthquake hit England.. I don’t know why exactly but I totally missed it. Either I was in said girlfriend’s car and the car’s suspension absorbed the shock or I was sitting on my foam mattress and that swallowed up the ground shaking.. either way I had no idea an Earthquake hit despite being on the phone until well past 3AM.
Wednesday I met up with a girl (yes this meeting girls is twice in a row now) from my studies and broke it to her that Juliet’s Romeo is a fag. She seemed to take it well but time will tell if I did the right thing. This is the girl I very likely would have married if I were straight so this was no easy thing to do *tears* and then met my designer for something that I never imagined in a million years I would do. Its shocking the limits we breach when one is in need of comfort. We found a nice quiet location on a fairly busy street (the next street up from my road) and parked in front of someone’s house and completely made out *sighs* no shit if Police had caught us we would have been arrested for indecent exposure and illicit sex in a public place. I’ve lost my innocence :o(
Thursday and Friday I was home but on Thursday I sneaked out of the house for a five minute kissing session with my designer which my aunt totally noticed I did.. so much for being discreet.
Saturday I went work and then spent the evening with the designer in Park Royale, Action. For someone so firmly in the closet I was pleasantly surprised how dangerously we acted in such a popular and public area. I held his body continuously, allowed my body to press against his, over dinner I had my foot laid across his leg, I kissed him, and worst of all I constantly felt him up and he responded accordingly. Have I mentioned that my designer is WELL-KNOWN in HIS community.. like virtually everyone in his community would recognise him at first glance. We decided to drive away from Acton when the interaction between us started to move away from being PG rated. So we decided to drive to a quieter location.. I totally pleasured him as he drove though.. in hindsight I can’t highlight how stupid this was considering he was actually driving. Its crazy what horniness can do to your wits. We topped up the evening with a heavy make-out session in the car AGAIN.
Despite how it looks.. there is virtually no attachment here on my behalf. I think its very physical for me.. whereas I’m afraid its starting to become emotional for him.. and despite me stressing that it can’t bode well for either of us if this gets too serious.. these things can not be controlled and I’m left feeling I should end it now before it does go there.
What I’m looking for is someone I can enjoy hanging around with and doesn’t have coming out or closeted hang-ups.. and this guy is SO NOT THIS - this guy still wants to get married coz his position in the community demands it of him.
He knows that as things are going he is likely to start getting attached and that’s dangerous for him.. he thinks I’m getting attached too but here is the punch line.. I’m not.. I’m more worried about him getting attached than anything else.
Damn. Just once I’d like someone I can have sex with to have no hang ups. Is this too much to ask for?
Yesterday saw me starting my new job. I gotta admit I’m actually really really looking forward to this. It’s not like I’ve never worked full-time before.. So it’s not like a new experience or anything.. but having worked so damn hard at securing a decent job.. I’m just really psyched up. Today will be the proper first day coz yesterday was more induction than anything else.. but I’ve already been allocated my first client file so I’m starting to think there isn’t really going to be a grace period to adjust rather this is the kind of role that you’re just a dropped in the deep end and you have to sink or swim.
Things with the designer (friend’s ex) have been interesting. He seems to have brought out the fiery elements of my Leo’s fire rich nature.. sometimes I can’t seem to curb that aspect of my star sign’s nature.
On Monday when we saw each other we attacked each other with a ferocity not seen since the days of Ancient Greece. I left him with a 3 inch dark bruise on the right side of his neck (oh yes I’m vicious when I want to be) and he left me with 13 little bruise marks in various positions along my neck line (only one classed as more than a hickey). We were sprawled over one another, naked with tangled limbs, when my aunt walked into the house. I ran and closed my bedroom door whilst he attempted to find our clothes.. for such a small bedroom this was shockingly hard. Obviously the gusto in which we ripped each other’s clothes off speaks earnestly here. Aunt was not pleased one bit when said designer walked out of the house a short while later.. *breaks a sweat* but at least she didn’t see us naked together.. can't imagine how badly that would have rocked her world.
Tuesday I met up X for coffee and then went to dinner with a now mutual girlfriend.. X tagged along for a bit. Finally me and girlfriend went to see a movie and X buggered off. Apparently it was past midnight when an Earthquake hit England.. I don’t know why exactly but I totally missed it. Either I was in said girlfriend’s car and the car’s suspension absorbed the shock or I was sitting on my foam mattress and that swallowed up the ground shaking.. either way I had no idea an Earthquake hit despite being on the phone until well past 3AM.
Wednesday I met up with a girl (yes this meeting girls is twice in a row now) from my studies and broke it to her that Juliet’s Romeo is a fag. She seemed to take it well but time will tell if I did the right thing. This is the girl I very likely would have married if I were straight so this was no easy thing to do *tears* and then met my designer for something that I never imagined in a million years I would do. Its shocking the limits we breach when one is in need of comfort. We found a nice quiet location on a fairly busy street (the next street up from my road) and parked in front of someone’s house and completely made out *sighs* no shit if Police had caught us we would have been arrested for indecent exposure and illicit sex in a public place. I’ve lost my innocence :o(
Thursday and Friday I was home but on Thursday I sneaked out of the house for a five minute kissing session with my designer which my aunt totally noticed I did.. so much for being discreet.
Saturday I went work and then spent the evening with the designer in Park Royale, Action. For someone so firmly in the closet I was pleasantly surprised how dangerously we acted in such a popular and public area. I held his body continuously, allowed my body to press against his, over dinner I had my foot laid across his leg, I kissed him, and worst of all I constantly felt him up and he responded accordingly. Have I mentioned that my designer is WELL-KNOWN in HIS community.. like virtually everyone in his community would recognise him at first glance. We decided to drive away from Acton when the interaction between us started to move away from being PG rated. So we decided to drive to a quieter location.. I totally pleasured him as he drove though.. in hindsight I can’t highlight how stupid this was considering he was actually driving. Its crazy what horniness can do to your wits. We topped up the evening with a heavy make-out session in the car AGAIN.
Despite how it looks.. there is virtually no attachment here on my behalf. I think its very physical for me.. whereas I’m afraid its starting to become emotional for him.. and despite me stressing that it can’t bode well for either of us if this gets too serious.. these things can not be controlled and I’m left feeling I should end it now before it does go there.
What I’m looking for is someone I can enjoy hanging around with and doesn’t have coming out or closeted hang-ups.. and this guy is SO NOT THIS - this guy still wants to get married coz his position in the community demands it of him.
He knows that as things are going he is likely to start getting attached and that’s dangerous for him.. he thinks I’m getting attached too but here is the punch line.. I’m not.. I’m more worried about him getting attached than anything else.
Damn. Just once I’d like someone I can have sex with to have no hang ups. Is this too much to ask for?