Man I love this photo.*Sam is so far the only person I've ever spoken to that finds tattoos a turn-off.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Man I love this photo.*Sam is so far the only person I've ever spoken to that finds tattoos a turn-off.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
I can't believe but this Sunday saw me drag myself outta the house and actually go all the way into Borough, to take a goddamn Mock Exam. Subject was Business Analysis, which as far as I'm considered is just a crap name for that subject, it should just be called Strategy, so in typical fashion that's what I call it. Stupid thing was really hard and I'm hoping I bullshited enough to pass. Personally if I can bullshit my way through that interview last week, I think the ACCA Strategy Exam will be child's play (OK not really but still)... I am a professional here. You know a Professional Bullshitter, not a professional 'Professional'.
I'm always surprised when people tell me I have a British accent. I obviously am completely oblivous of it. And bask in the warmth of being told I'm funny. Charmine mentioned both in her blog and I couldn't help but have a giggle, bless it even made my day. She said and I quote "I have to say, he's humourous and speak such good English with a distinct British accent!".. and I love that. Thats like the best compliment ever one can give. Thanks hun. She's so adorable :o)
Thanks to Billy.. I've finally acquired a copy of Josh Turner's albums 'Your Man' & 'Everything Is Fine'.. Billy you're so right his voice is so freakin sexy it really should be illegal. Fucking hell its almost arousing. OK it is arousing.. *coughs*
I've been fairly good today.. spent the better part studying Ethics & Governance except the moments where my Internet connection gets the better of me. Its all Northern Rock's fault. I'm forever checking the share price and then get side-tracked having done so. My loss on the bladdy things seems to be getting less and less each passing day, but it just takes one shitty day to destroy the whole weeks increase, if everything works out I'll soon be moving from a four digit loss to a three digit one in the next few days... its quite depressing actually so I'll say no more :o(
On the bright side I brought myself a pair of shoes. I'll zip my mouth as to how much they cost but I'm really happy with them. My brother came with me, less for opinion and more for chauffeuring me to and from the shops. I quite liked this pair priced at £75, whereas my brother was like they cost too much... so I carried on looking. He pointed some shoes out and I was like 'NO WAY AM I WEARING THAT' (he really has shit taste) and then lo and behold I saw these beauties and my brother's mouth was hanging open when I told them how much they cost.
But I liked them even more than the other pair I saw... so I brought them. Annoyingly they only had the one size larger than what I needed. But I stuffed some padding in them and they almost fit now. My brother thinks they look gay. I don't. I love them. I don't think I've ever had a pair of shoes I've actually liked the look of before. Maybe its the fact that they do look gay.. who cares though.. I gotta wear them and I like them... so that's what counts the most.
On another note I want another tattoo but can't seem to decide what or where. I've already had the quarter-life crisis one earlier this year so this time it'll be much more compact and I'm hoping to get one in a fairly semi-visible place.. the complete opposite of the one I got last time.
I'm half hanging on a small handprint but can't decide where. Which I kinda stole from Jules' tattoo. But its OK don't fret I've already told her I like it and I might get the same. And she is OK with that.
I also really like this wrist design I saw.. but I think I may come to regret a wrist imprint so that's kinda holding me back. Plus I'm quite hairy so my wrist might not be the best location as I have quite an abundance of hair there. But I do like it. Here is the design I'm on about.
Oh how I'd love to get permanent laser hair removal and not have to worry about fucking hair growth.
PS - On a final note Jay has moved to NY and I'm so hyped for him. Seriously I'm like puzzled to why exactly. Where he lives has absolutely no effect on me. I guess it must be that I'm really happy for him.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
In specific regard I’m taking of my career, when I use the word career I feel old and mature, what I really want to use is the word job... but in my (now) slightly more professional life the word career is more suitable.
Right now I’m completing my final three professional papers with ACCA, and in less than 3 weeks will (fingers crossed) have put the world of studying for ACCA firmly behind me. Fingers still crossed.
If I’m being honest with myself I’ve not really been job-hunting, rather, I’ve not been ‘attempting’ to advance my career. However when an opportunity for a great job, erm (this is kind of getting annoying now), when an opportunity to advance my career came along I thought I better have a go and advance my career. I’m referring to an employment position as ‘Finance Strategist’ for Lloyds TSB (my current employer).
If I’m being honest the first thought in my head when I saw the vacancy was ‘I’m not gonna get it’ and I just brushed it aside until the following mental conversation took place.
Reason: ‘What makes you think you won’t get it?’
Me: ‘Well for one its three bands higher than my current band’
Reason: ‘Does the fact that you’re a part qualified accountant not count for anything?’
Me: ‘Well yes, but...’
Reason: ‘But what? Butthead!’
Me: ‘But I not going to get it so there’s no point. I’m not good enough’
Reason: ‘What makes you think that?’
Me: ‘Em, coz I know me!’
Reason: ‘What do you have to lose by applying Beavis?’
Me: ‘I thought I was Butthead?’
Reason: ‘You are’ Now answer the damn question. What will you lose by applying?
Reason: ‘Exactly my point. So apply already!’
So I did. It was over two weeks after the closing date, 3 weeks after I submitted my application, when I heard from them. I had an interview. YAY.
Me being the eternally cheeky individual that I am, was very tongue-in-cheek and asked how many people applied. I was told SIX. Since there are often no limits to my cheekiness I asked how many were being interviewed. I was told FOUR. I then asked what happens next. I was slightly saddened (but not surprised) to be told that second interviews would be arranged for those that were suitable, with my current interviewer’s (there were two) boss. FUCK.
I gotta be honest the interview was HARD. I might have cried but I was SCARED my mascara would run (FYI: this is a joke). But seriously it was a tough tough interview.
The first question was something like ‘describe a situation when you’ve had to meet a deadline, but an arising situation, that you have no control over, has make it difficult to complete, and what did you do you as a result?’
Ever been asked that? No? Really? Well if you were asked that question what would you say? That’s how I felt being asked that question. And that was the first of SIX fairly brutal questions. Imagine my horror when my mind went completely blank. Oh crap.
Reason: ‘Say something damn it’
Me: ‘Em… can you repeat the question?
I swear that was my response just to break the heavy murderous silence that had permeated the room.
I blagged something about a staff member calling in sick, and a report deadline being due, and having to reprioritise my workload and asking for another staff member to come in and help. It was very blah blah blah, but on such short notice it was the best I could come up with. Not bad in hindsight, and as a result I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m practically a professional bullshitter.
Whilst I honestly (and I’m not just saying this) don’t think I was amazing in this interview, in fact overall I kinda sucked.. I’d be really upset if I don’t get this job. Considering its been more than 3 years since my last interview I don’t think I did a bad job overall. But right now I’ve got my fingers and toes crossed that I get at least a second call back (that’ll be fab for my ego after THAT interview).
I expect to hear from them some time this coming week (Friday-ish).
Not that there is a snowball in hell kinda chance that I will get it but still one can dream
Thursday, November 22, 2007
I must admit I have watched Disney's High School Musical. Now whilst I can't honestly say I LOVED it.. I did strangely enjoy it in the silliest of ways. And Zac whilst not my kind of guy either, was kinda nice on the eyes. So up to a few days ago I kinda agreed with Jay... and didn't get the whole Zac Efron obsession either.
And then I saw this picture and I changed my mind. I totally see what the fuss is about. Isn't it amazing how one single picture can make a difference?
I'm curious to know if anyone is immune to the effects of this photo!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
OMG it was so beautiful. I can't believe it. This is my oldest friend. I've known her since I was in diapers. It was a very emotionally charged day. Plus it was great seeing a couple of friends I hadn't seen in a while.
Straight after, actually correction.. as soon as humanly possible I had to tear myself away from there (I missed none of the ceremony.. hell I've never do that) - and headed towards the University of Westminster for the St Lukes Hospice Fashion Show. I would have pulled out of this if it weren't for a charity I so strongly support, coz it was Jo's Wedding and that was so important for me to attend. I did speak to her first and make sure that everything of importance & the entire wedding would be completed before I had to shoot off. I'm glad it actually worked out despite the fact that the wedding started pretty late.
Yes yes its true.. dear shy SSD took part in a fashion show. Who am I kidding with shy?
But still shy or not, its really difficult being the centre of attention in front of so many people but I held my own and got a loud applause for one and a semi-loud applause for the other. Which is great, coz many others didn't get more than a clap. I'm so cheeky I totally altered the pieces that I was involved with, and did my own thing.
The choreographed steps for me didn't work so I improvised last minute. I was well chuffed when the choreographer reacted with: 'That was fab! Nicely done. You should have made it last longer.'
That specifically relates to the one when I followed one of the girls back onto the stage. Originally we were meant to just walk on from different sides of the stage and do our 'thing' and then walk off at the other end. After I had done my piece I followed a girl called Nadiya onto the stage and whispered it her ear to 'push me away' when we got to the centre of the stage. It worked brilliantly. We got a huge applause. The loudest one in the entire fashion show in fact.
Oh hell for someone who hates being the centre of everyone's attention I do love it in equal measure.
For those on Facebook*. Check it out its up on my profile page. I've upload a fairly grainy copy. I had forgotten my camera/camcorder (yes even for Jo's Wedding) and so had to have it recorded using my mobile phone.
*UPDATE... forementioned picture no longers exists. If you have no idea what I mean. GOOD. Trust me its for the best.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
I have my ACCA finals in less than a month now, and I’m not even gonna mention the fact that my revision seems to be stuck in kind of a rut, nor will I mention the fact that I have a cloud of resignation hanging above my head, nor the lack of drive or desire to study.
What I will mention is that right now my life seems to be focused elsewhere. My niece is at an age where we have to choose her first school and it is very very important to me that my niece goes to a local private school called Alpha Preparatory School, it ranks as one of the best primary schools in Harrow, and almost in London too. This was one of the reasons why I ensured my brother and parents moved here, to Harrow, in the first place.
It took immense effort to ensure she went to Alphabets Nursery School (it is owned by Alpha Prep). Now because it is a private/independent educational establishment getting a place is like gold dust. They have an intake of about 8-10 kids per year, and over 100 kids apply. She did get in after a successful assessment. I went with her. I’m sad to say I didn’t trust my brother nor sister-in-law to take her to the assessment for sheer fear they might do more harm then good, or screw up her chance at getting in. It was very worrying but I was overjoyed when I heard from Alphabets that she got a place.
The step between Alphabets Nursery School and Alpha Prep is a small one compared to those who come from other Nurseries. But Alpha is an extremely sought-after school. They have an annual intake of under 20 kids and have over 1000 kids applying. No shit this is a great school and its well known. They claim it is a small family orientated school that provides a happy and stimulating environment in which to work and learn, and since 4 of my cousins went there I know this to be true. Besides I’m a firm believer that if a child’s educational foundation is sound they can achieve anything they want in life, and Alpha is one of the best ways of ensuring a firm educational foundation. Recently the school’s applications have increased significantly and the demand for places has become murderous.
My niece has her assessment in January 2008, my brother received a letter just this week, and I think I’m more stressed than her parents about it. The assessment is intense and very demanding, they expect a lot from the kids, and the pre-assessment meeting (that I attended 2 weeks ago with my brother) more than confirmed that. We have a lot of work to do to ensure she will be ready for it. When I say ‘we’ I really mean ‘I’.
I often feel the need to remind myself that’s she is three when I’m trying to teach her something. Right now the biggest thing is drawing. Her pencil control isn’t what it should be, this is probably because neither parent has really focused much on this area. Now I don’t want to criticise her parents but there are people who are naturally great with kids and those that really aren’t. Alas, neither my sister-in-law or brother have the gift of being great with kids. They do the best they can and I respect them for that. Whilst my brother and I were severely disadvantaged in terms of being given an education when we were kids, we’ve both learnt from our parents mistakes and have taken the steps necessary to ensure that my niece doesn’t suffer such.
Most significantly neither my brother and I were really taught to read. My brother still todate finds reading challenging. Now whilst I was luckier than him.. in that as a child I hated going home, I had a turbulent relationship with my father from a very young age, and therefore spent every afternoon (after school) at a library until it closed and I was forced to go home. Anything was better than going home back then, and I found a passion for reading. My written English still is poor as is my spelling, and my grammar is atrocious. But years of being a bookworm have helped in a lot of ways. Anyways going back to my niece.
During the pre-assessment meeting I was shocked to learn that they actually expect her to draw a house or a man/woman. Seriously. This is an expectation of a girl who is three and at the time couldn’t a square without assistance. My brother automatically started teaching her how to drawn a house. I told him off and suggested he start by teaching her shapes, if you have mastered shapes drawing other things become easier, besides a house is a collection of shapes. He said we don't have time. I said she HAS TO LEARN TO WALK BEFORE SHE RUNS. I think he understood that analogy so he agreed. He said he'd start with a square. I said ok.
My brother (her father) attempted to teach her this for several days and once I was watching and got really annoyed at his method of teaching her. So I calmly asked my niece if she has enough (even though I had only been there for 2 minutes I could see she had had enough, and once a child has switched off its pointless teaching them). She said she had and so I excused her. She ran as fast as her little legs could carry her. Bless. My brother gave me a dirty look and I stared him down, he said she refused to understand. Shortly after I asked him to draw a ten-pointed star. He looked at me like I was nuts. But I insisted and when he realised I was actually serious he attempted to do so. To say he failed would be an understatement. I then told him it was as difficult for his daughter to draw a square without guidance as it was for him to draw a ten-pointed star. A couple of days later, I think Thursday/Friday gone I sat with her and showed her in great detail how to draw a square. First I started with four dots and asked her to connect them up (she can draw straight lines) and conveniently made the dots disappear one after the other. Then we formed a series of lines that in sequence formed a square. I’d ask her to draw a horizontal line, I’d then draw a single vertical line (on the right), and get her to draw the second vertical line (on the left), and then finally I’d ask her to draw the final horizontal line, making the square complete. My brother told me with great delight that today she drew a square completely unaided. I resisted the urge to scream ‘you see its not her its you’ but I took a deep breath instead. And calmly explained you can’t draw a square in a single step (counting 1, 2, 3, 4, square as he was doing) and expect her to copy you after a few seconds. He stressed that I was better at kids then him. Sometimes I hate that attitude him and his wife take. Grrr.
Another thing they expect her to do is match pictures of baby animals to their parents, ie. a calf to a cow, a joey to a kangaroo. Now whilst this isn’t overtly difficult, but its unfair to a child if the first time they get to do this is in the assessment, so I spent several days scrolling the net to find a puzzle/game that allowed her to practice this. I discovered Mothercare had released a game to this effect but it was an old discontinued item and was only randomly available on eBay if someone happened to be selling it at the same time as you were looking to buy. It took ages but I found a company called GALT that has a similar product and ordered it, along with memory cards and an opposites puzzle. I think I’ve finally figured out where my money goes now. I also spent a day at Early Learning Centre the other day and brought her a reward chart, a paint apron and a threading kit. Now I need to get a Duplo set (everyone seems to have gone Mega Bloks mad but the Alpha assessment uses Duplo and my niece only has Mega Bloks) and a triangular pencil, apparently they enable better grip for kids learning to write/draw.
Over the last few days I’ve also been teaching her sequencing, as in red blue red blue red… what goes next? I must say she drove me nuts when I first started this task. But she picked it up after a few days. Another thing she has to do is fine motor skills, as in putting little pins in holes etc. I showed her how to thread a sequential pattern the other day. She did it amazingly, her parents were dumbstruck at how fast she picks things up from me, and how little/slowly she does from them. I recall on the first day I was teaching her sequences, both her parents and my aunt claimed she wouldn't pick it up in time for the assessment. I had her at 4 days.
Another thing they will test her on is audio memory. She will be given three tasks in one go, and then she will be tested to see how many tasks she can perform, without distraction. All three is great. Two is good. One is not good and not bad. And none if they get distracted is bad. So I’ve been practising this with her too. For instance, the other day I asked her to get me her towel, her slippers and her Postman Pat toy. I was overjoyed when she bought back all three. Mostly she does two. Which is probably one more than I’d bring back.
I hope I don’t give the impression of doing everything; I have given the task of scissor control to her parents as well as reinforcing the concepts I teach her.
Apparently since I’m the natural with kids (despite not actually having any kids), they expect me to do the teaching and they follow on with the reinforcement. I must say it does work well though.
So right now I study during the day and teach in the evenings. I know there is a deep urge within me, a desire to teach nursery aged kids. But sometimes I have no patience for little kids and I'm not sure it would work very well, during others I amaze myself.
Monday, November 12, 2007
I must admit that when a friend posted this on my Fun Wall I almost pissed myself laughing. Its slightly long but definitely worth watching, most espically if you were born in the 70/80s.
*I'm not sure but this might relate specfically to British people :o(
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
The words of Eminem ricochet in his mind
And I am
Whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
Soul Seared Dreamer knows the truth behind those words. He feels them everyday in his existence. Everyone has an opinion.. and right now SSD doesn’t care what anyone thinks but what he thinks himself, this is his day. He is after all the most important one, his voice carries and matters.. and SSD knows that if he shouts out his opinion long enough it becomes meaningful and influential, why wouldn’t it? SSD knows himself to be right. Everyone else’s opinion of Him is irrelevant to SSD. And it frustrates SSD that the other voice whispering in His head disagrees sometimes, openly contradicts and resists. He fully intends to silence that voice once and for all, but he doesn’t know how, so he puts up with it when whispers to Him, SSD knows that for the better part.. it is falling on deaf ears, but still that blasted voice doesn’t shut up, its old and irrelevant.
SSD thinks that when one has been hiding what/who he really is for so long, sometimes that person can’t help but possess a kind of confused image of himself. SSD isn’t surprised therefore that when He looks in the mirror He often honestly don’t recognise Himself but sees SSD staring back instead, but He’s too stupid to realise that, only SSD notices that is him that He is seeing, He just sees a part of Himself.
Maybe that’s because He is so used to wearing so many personas.. there is one for friends, a different one for family and another for random people, and thus it’s often the case that He doesn’t recognise the one He is facing when He does look into a mirror.
When He first created this blog, and the persona of Soul Seared Dreamer, SSD never hid the fact that He was gay, strangely though its mentioned almost as an afterthought in the third post, it’s almost as if being gay was nothing important, nor wrong or even worth the hassle of highlighting. SSD knows He is gay and takes it for granted and is comfortable with it. SSD is after all as free as a Jay Bird whereas He is so used to fluttering somewhere in smokescreens, illusions, cloaks and mirrors He thinks he sees clearly when there is nothing but fog in His face. This is the complete opposite of SSD. SSD knows when He is lying to Himself, even when He Himself doesn’t.
SSD isn’t thus surprised when He finds that somewhere down the road SSD becomes more ‘real’ than Him.. and now He often walks and talks completely one with the persona of Soul Seared Dreamer. This pleases SSD. The old Amit is like a distant memory to Him. He can’t even remember what His chain of thoughts would have been or even how He would react in any given situation.. nowadays He always reacts as SSD. There are almost these invisible strings that SSD is puppeterring Him with.
SSD knows for a fact that He notices this phasing out of Himself.. maybe its easier for Him as He knows He is no longer relevant. The only relevance is SSD and forward momentum. After all when He first created SSD, it was everything He wanted and aspired to be.. and yet He seems not to have fully appreciated the fact that somewhere down the road He might lose Amit to SSD. SSD is after all the more dominant party and SSD isn’t ashamed to say that... evolution favours and fosters the survival of the fittest, and SSD is damned if he will bow to someone as weak as Him.
SSD also knows His aunt recognises this too.. She points out every little difference she spots, from the change in His choice of words, the change in His choice of clothes, to the differing patterns of His behaviour, reactions, decisions, choices, attitude, etc. Maybe that’s what makes it so profoundly obvious to Amit that He is being phased out... the fact that those changes are constantly being highlighted. She just doesn’t know who SSD is. She thinks Amit is changing and is oblivious to that fact that His mind is being invaded and conquered by another entity, with a ruthlessness and survival motive. SSD laughs, not even trying to hide this from Him or her.
There are days when Amit thinks that this is a kind of evolution, so He doesn’t resist, He feels maybe that He is growing into what He could or should have been/become before the years of doubts and fears crept in. And yet there are days when He considers it a change of the course of His life, each choice He makes creating a completely different path for Him to follow, impact after impact altering Him, making SSD more real and tangible and Amit less so.
Yet not even SSD can deny that Amit is very clearly a part of him. Amit loves/loved Britney, so whilst SSD often feels like a completely different person, SSD loves basking in Amit’s shadow, SSD also clearly loves Britney and he doesn’t fight that aspect of Amit’s past, present and future, he openly embraces it. There are other similarities too. But those are becoming few and rare. And SSD is glad about that.. there is nothing good in his mind about a past that lingers like a bad smell.
Whilst there are similarities there are clearly differences too.
SSD is much angrier and less reserved than Amit. Whilst Amit isn’t shy, He acts it and basks in it, and that frustrates SSD more than words can convey here, since SSD isn’t shy or reserved, he wonders what the point is in trying to pretend to be, so SSD often acts out knowing Amit will regret those specific actions later. During those times SSD feels Amit struggle for control, but SSD knows Amit is irrelevant and blocks Him out, mostly always with success, and He watches in silence sometimes. Its only when SSD hands the reins to Him does Amit get a say nowadays. And SSD knows that Amit finds that SSD is becoming more and more reluctant to give Amit any control anymore.. SSD doesn’t entirely feel he can trust Amit and SSD enjoys watching Amit squirm as He struggles with His dual identity. SSD feels this is poetic justice for His lack of effort to live His life and thinks He spends too much time worrying about the unimportant things.
SSD has felt he has had his say and wishes now that Amit will just fuck off and leave him to be in peace.
That is how I feel sometimes, like SSD is a completely different person, one successfully phasing the old me out.. one year from the start of this blog I’m more the SSD you see here than the Amit I was when I first created this blog.
Today marks the 1 year anniversary of the creation of this blog and I felt it appropriate that SSD be allowed to speak for himself for the first time, it is his first birthday after all, and since there isn’t a present I can give him, I allow him to speak freely without the constraints of Amit holding him back.SSD often tells me that I don’t acknowledge him enough, even though he thinks my thoughts more than the old Amit does nowadays.
Take this as an example, the other day when Jules posted a fun game to do with the first letter of your name I used ‘S’ and only realised when Ebezp pointed it out that I should have actually used ‘A’. Oh well maybe there is truth to SSD’s words above that he is invading my mind and taking over.
I apologise for the lengthy post but in short this is what I have to say to SSD and my readers:
Thank you to all the friends I have made here (I’m not going to use the term ‘bloggers’.. many of you go far beyond that) I value the courage you have given me to be SSD, I have each comment preserved here in remembrance of your kind words of support and I value each and every one.
I honestly believe that each one of you have in your individual way has helped but since the biggest thing this year was my coming out. I want to specifically thank:
I know some of the above no longer frequent the blog, but in my heart of hearts it would be wrong not to acknowledge these people and the respective parts they played.
Whilst there are many many others who I am so grateful to, todate, this specific list relates to my pre-coming out portion of the blog. To all the others, I love you, each and every one of you.
Specifically to SSD: God bless you SSD, and thank you for all the marvellous things you’ve given me the courage to do this past year. All I ask now is that you bare with me whilst I gather the courage to go the whole way and please don’t get too frustrated with me :o)