Tarot Card Anyone?

I found this great 'What tarot card are you?' on Savante's blog... And you know me... I love those fucking quizzes so here is mine:

You are The Fool

The Fool is the card of infinite possibilities. The bag on the staff indicates that he has all he need to do or be anything he wants, he has only to stop and unpack. He is on his way to a brand new beginning. But the card carries a little bark of warning as well. Stop daydreaming and fantasising and watch your step, lest you fall and end up looking the fool.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Fuck it's good right? I most definitely am the fool ;o)

A Lack Of Decency

This week has been crazily busy.

Between vying for time to breathe and eat and actually laying in bed trying to sleep (you see how I use the word trying not actual sleep...fucking STRESS!)... I think I've clocked up a significant amount of study time this week. Most surprising is the amount of time I've been dedicating to my Adv Tax studies. Audit and Adv Audit seemed to have taken a backseat... but reflection from recent test results just illustrate how well I'll be able to bullshit my way through audit.

But still I'm very much failing tax... okay failing is a bit harsh... flailing is maybe more suitable. I had an Adv Tax test earlier - the great thing about audit is even if you have no fucking idea at what the question is asking of you - using common sense points you in a general direction. The problem with tax is if you don't know - it shows. Illustrated by the test I just sat. It took me 30 minutes to do a 10 mark section that time allocation means I shouldn't take more than 15 mintues to do it. And even after half an hour I was only half way through it. Brilliant. The rest if the question gave me a mental block. I've so failed this progress exam. Hahaha I found it most hilarious that the progress test is just gonna show no progress made in 5 months.

Anyways moving on to the point of todays post - I don't think I mentioned yet just how impossible I find falling asleep in a car, plane or train, etc. I need my bed... even someone else's bed is hard for me to fall asleep on. I have to have my duvet, my pillow and my uber-wickedly expensive mattress too. So anyway this week my sleep pattern has been really really disturbed - too much work and not even partying I think. I've been getting maybe 3/4 hours sleep on average per night. Not too mention the oodles of coffee I've been drinking... my brain seems to need constant stimulation to keep it moving!

So yesterday of all days on my way into Central London - I got onto the train at Harrow & Wealdstone (the first stop) - I thought I could do with just closing my eyes and relaxing until Elephant & Castle (my stop) which is the last stop on the line.

So about half way to Elephant & Castle - after getting tired of reading audit articles I tried getting comfortable, turned the music on my MP3 player up and shut the world out. Lo and behold... I fell asleep - just goes to show you how tired I must have been to fall asleep on a train.

And when I awoke I found the train returning to Harrow & Wealdstone. How annoying is that. The train terminated and set back up the other way - okay thankfully it was only 2 stops so I only added an extra 15 minutes to the journey.... but it made me wonder what kind of arseholes I must have been riding with.

Not even one person had the decency to wake me up telling me the train had terminated - I must admit I've prodded loads of people who've fallen asleep on the journey home so they don't end up headed back in the direction to work when they wake up.

So why do others not show the same care and decency for others? Grrrrrr. I was well angry after that :o(

I Just Ain't Happy

I got the result of my Advanced Audit mock test I took last week Wednesday.

All things considered I thought it went okay - didn't do too much Audit work for it beforehand if I'm being honest. So I wasn't expecting a miracle or anything.

I seem to be falling behind in Tax - so I decided in the past few weeks to focus on Tax. So when I realised that the Adv Audit mock test was around the corner I panicked and went to it fairly unprepared if I'm being honest with myself. I did a couple of risk management questions and hoped for the best.

I'm kind of one of those people who needs a bit of a kick up his arse to get certain gears into shift. So whilst I had no idea how I'd done - I hoped for at least 30% - this is the line they draw and say is good progress. 50% is needed to score a pass - which if I'm being honest it fucking hard to achieve.

So off I sauntered into class not really expecting results so soon but he shocked me when he said he had the results. I'm impatient so for one was most definitely glad I'd find out how I did. But then I recalled the paper and realised that my gamble to focus on risk management was well off - with precisely zero questions being on Risk Management. Oh dear. And firmly realised that I hadn't answered the paper with knowledge but how well I could bullshit.

So tutor says out of the 106 who should have attended the test only 27 did.

And of those 27 only 16 passed (got over 50%)

And 5 of the remaining 11 got between 40-49%.

Now the scripts are placed in mark order.

Either lowest first or highest first.

And obviously he calls out my name FIRST.

You know when you have one of those days where your just not happy.

Well today is one of them days.

I'm really really really really not happy today.

It stems of that test result.

Yes sir. It all started with that fucking test result.

Of all the names he calls first... it HAD to be ME.

Great huh?

So like I said - I'm really really really really not happy today....

Truth is - happy just isn't strong enough.

Not even ecstatic as that may even be putting it lightly.

On top of the world maybe? No still not quite there but close enough.

I was FIRST on the list coz I got the HIGHEST MARK in the class.

I got a whooping 66%.

Do you believe it? Me? Who has done precisely no homework and absolutely no background reading at all since the start of the term in January!

I can't imagine the look on my face as he held out my script and said 'congratulations on coming first in the class' - wow....

You see now? I ain't happy. I'm over the moon.

And if that wasn't enough as I walk through the front door a few minutes ago I see an envelope from Canada. Yes I got this amazing card from Pinky. Its handmade and it is absolutely gorgeous. It is so going into my blue box (I hope it fits).

My blue box contains every single thing I treasure in this world. The hospital band that was wrapped around my niece's hand when she was born, my uncle's personalised pen, etc.

Tell me - could this day get any better?

100 long stemmed red roses....

Well finally the milestone arrives.

I've hit the BIG ONE HUNDREDTH POST.

Aha, and so having finally hit the big 1-0-0! Yay me! (I didn't think I'd make it) - I've in order to mark it's specialness written up 100 things about the real SSD AKA me.

Since I'm well... extremely vocal and long winded what started out as 100 short sentences became well an essay per point. So I decided against posting it directly into my blog so I've created another blog to house the 100 things.

There are 2 ways to access it.

1. Click the picture above. (I'm getting fairly technical - it's a picture link)
2. From the profile page.

But be warned it is LONG

UPDATE: The link no longer is valid - you'll find the edited post (yes its edited slightly) below:

1. I first started blogging after reading Denim Boy’s Single Guy In London post published in the London Lite, a free London newspaper distributed for underground commuters.
2. If I wasn’t for that I’d never have considered blogging let alone reading anyone else’s blog. It was funny as hell and totally gay. I loved it.
3. The second blog I read was Tequilla Mockingbird. It was his his blog that had me hooked to the dark shady world of blogging.
4. I was born in Central Middlesex Hospital, Park Royal on the 2nd August 1982.
5. My mother was born in Mapigi, Uganda on the 15th May 1950.
6. She was forced from her home in September 1972 and came to the UK with no more than the clothes on her back.
7. Uganda is one of those places I’ve always wanted to visit but the opportunity has never presented itself.
8. I honestly can not claim to know where my father was born, but if I was guessing it would be Ahmedabad , India. I don’t know his date of birth either – but then this is because not even he knows it. I believe when he applied for an Indian passport he took the 1st March as his day of birth. I’m not sure what year – I guess since he just turned 65 that it’s 1942.
9. I’ve been to India twice. And both times I fell fatally ill. The first time was when I was about 6 – I had diarrhea with blood and was hospitalised upon return to the UK – I believe for almost 2 months. The second time was in 2002 when I attended my brother’s wedding. I was hospitalised with food poisoning and given intravenous drugs to aid my recovery. The most annoying thing was this was the night before my flight and so whilst I lay in hospital my flight took off – I was stuck in India for an extra 2 weeks as it was peak time and couldn’t get a flight out. The only thing I ate whilst there afterwards was Parley G (Glucose biscuits).
10. Talking of hospitals I’ve had three hernia operations all before I was ten years old.
11. I’ve also broken my arm once – back when I was around eight. I was coming down a flight of stairs with my younger cousin in my arms when I slipped. As I tumbled down the stairs the only thought in my mind was to protect him who was only two years old at the time. I crashed into a table which was by the bottom of the stairs. My cousin walked away from that without a scratch – me on the other hand had broken my arm in several places. This is the first and only time anyone in my extended family had broken a bone in an accident.
12. The cousin mentioned in 11 likes football just as much as I hate it. And I hate it a lot.
13. I was almost named Anand – my youngest aunt loved the name and really wanted to name me that but my dad insisted he name me himself, so she couldn’t.
14. Thus I was named Amit – after a hugely famous Bollywood star called Amitabh Bachchan – my dad’s favourite movie star.
15. I love and hate my name in equal measure. In that I love it for it’s simplicity and hate it coz I’d much rather have been named my by mum or aunt.
16. I love and hate my surname as much as I love and hate my first name.
17. I once considered adopting my aunt’s surname but decided against it coz it is quite complicated to spell and say compared to Shah.
18. I’ve routinely considered changing my first name. I’ve always wanted to use ‘Sky’ as my middle name but that would make my initials ASS and I couldn’t bear the indignity of that.
19. At present my legal birth initials are APS – but I’d never really admit to that. As far as I’m concerned the P just doesn’t exist.
20. The P stands for my father’s first name. He was keen on including his name in both my brother’s and my name. I absolutely hate it. For the record its Pramodrai.
21. After years and years of harassing the Passport Agency I’ve finally managed to have it removed from my passport – which now reads my name as Mr Amit Shah
22. My Driving Licence still includes my official birth name which I’m currently in the process of having changed.
23. The Electoral Register probably reads my official birth name too.
24. Talking of names if I ever were to have a daughter I would probably name her India or Jade.
25. I’ve never been able to settle on a boy’s name as there are far too many I like. I really like Sky, Akash, Krish, Chris, Kevin, Jay and Adam.
26. Akash literally means ‘sky’ which is where the name ‘Sky’ I like so much originates from.
27. I grew up in Stonebridge. In a two bed council flat.
28. My uncle forced my father to buy it from the council – which he did in 1990. My father was dead against it but my uncle insisted and with backing from my mum and aunt he gave it. This is probably one of the best things he ever did for my brother and I!
29. The mortgage my parents raised to purchase the flat from the council was £25,000. When I had the mortgage redeemed last year when we sold the flat I was horrified to discover that after 17 years that the mortgage stood at £28,000. My father is the only person I know who after more than half of the mortgage term the balance outstanding was more than the original loan. I imagine he refinanced it several times.
30. I’m the complete opposite to my father when it comes to debt. If he wants to go to India for holiday purposes he’ll take out a loan to finance it – me on the other hand would never dream of taking out a loan to go on holiday – If I couldn’t afford to go I wouldn’t.
31. I’m not as debt free as I’d like to be. I was particularly stupid in my teens and wasted money like crazy on stupid unimportant things and thus increased my student loan more than was necessary – the last time I checked it stood at £16,000. I’ve cleared £2,000 for two years in a row – otherwise it would be £20,000.
32. I intend to pay it off completely within the next 3 years – whatever it takes.
33. Most of my savings sit in a Mini Cash ISA this is the most tax efficient method of saving.
34. My attitude to saving is predominately due to the aunt I live with – as she is very saving orientated. I have a constant battle between the urge to spend and the desire to save.
35. Much of what I have achieved in life is thanks to my aunt. She highlighted the importance of education and studying. If it wasn’t for her I doubt I’d have completed a degree & consequently ever started my ACCA Qualification.
36. Although funnily enough when I told her of my intention to do my ACCAs she was not happy nor was she supportive. She could not accept that at 24 I was returning to the world of studying. I think she was looking to get me married off. In the start her lack of backing was unbearable and until that point I never realised just how much I relied on her for moral support.
37. It pains and saddens me to no end when I sit and realise just how much we’ve drifted apart within the last 2 years.
38. I still consider her closer to me than even my own mother and sometimes despite knowing this so intimately my actions speak and show differently.
39. No matter how I try to justify it – when I’m alone and feeling like shit – I always feel the lack of love from my birth parents. I know my mother loves me dearly but as mentioned before sometimes our actions speak differently from our words and thoughts.
40. It is sad but I doubt either one of my parents could explain to a stranger just what it is that I am doing at present – in detail that is.
41. I only have 9 months more left hopefully and then I’ll be done with exams.
42. In my entire life I have never been on holiday with my immediate family – my dad, my mum and brother. And if I’m being honest to myself I doubt I ever will. Thanks to the love showered on me by my aunt I was never bothered about this.
43. My favourite holiday was when I went to Majorica back in 1996 – I was with my mum, two aunts and my youngest cousin (then).
44. Other places I’ve been include Canada (Toronto), Gran Canaria, Lanzarote, Malta, Spain (Murcia), Tunisia, France, Holland, Belgium, New York & New Jersey. (I’ve already mentioned India & Majorica)
45. Somewhere I’ve wanted to go to is Egypt but my aunt is dead against it coz of it’s political instability. If I ever die without going there I don’t think I’d die happy.
46. I’ve travelled more of Spain than I have of UK. Places I’ve been to in UK are: Dorset (Swanage), Cardiff (Castleton), Blackpool, Margate, Southend-On-Sea, Ramsgate, Brighton, Leicester, Norfolk, Reading and Dover.
47. Despite it not being far I’m sad to say I’ve never been to see Stonehenge and I think as a Brit that is just plain wrong. But now that I can drive one of these days I’m just gonna get into a car and drive there.
48. As a Hindu we aren’t buried but rather cremated. Our ashes need to then be scattered – my grandma and uncle were scattered out at sea off Ramsgate. There is a reason, a play on the word makes its Ram’s Gate. Ram being a Hindu God. This really appealed to my grandma. I only found this out recently when my Aunt explained it to me.
49. Scattering my uncle’s ashes was possibly one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to witness.
50. Well next to his death of course. Which I’ve mentioned before was right bang in the middle of my GCSEs. 2 days after I had my Design & Technology Exam. My aunt insisted that I do not miss the exam. This day is a big blur. I was dropped off at school and the exam was torturous and all I recall was staring out into space. I got a B for this exam – to this day I do not know how coz I don’t even remember writing my name of the transcript. The rest of the exams were almost as bad.
51. I got 2As, 5Bs, 5Cs and 1D. The D was in French. I was expected to get an A and I recall my French teacher in a flood of tears when she found out. She was such a fantastic teacher and I don’t know exactly how I did so bad – most of the French exams were before my uncle passed away.
52. My favourite lesson was Drama. I loved it. I also fancied the drama tutor – a woman called Ms Jenson. She was HOT. And she knew I fancied her too. I use to sit next to her and flirt outrageously. And blush outrageously too. In hindsight if I were as confident then as I am now I may have studied performing arts instead of business management.
53. Up until I did Accounts in my first year business course I hated the idea of accountancy. Accountants were boring old farts and I never imagined I’d join their ranks.
54. To a certain degree I still hate it but it will be an excellent career move for me and having financial security, independence, and freedom far outweigh most other things that creep into my mind sometimes.
55. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that the direction I am heading towards in terms of a career plan will be nowhere near where I end up. I’m very spontaneous and rarely stay content in single places for extended periods.
56. This point follows on from #55 – I always get bored easily. My friends and family claim it’s because I’m intelligent and I constantly need things to keep me engaged and active. Personally I think I have ants in my pants and possess a very flighty nature.
57. I firmly believe ones personality goes hand in hand with how good looking one thinks he or she is. I have found that shy people who lack confidence have hearts of gold. Always look beyond beauty… coz beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Those who think they are god’s gift to mankind can kiss my ass.
58. When I was younger I always felt I was walking around with a sign that read ‘OUT OF ORDER’. This is because I was always naturally lean and family members always asked me if I had learnt to eat since the last time I saw them – that was usually the first words to me – not hello but that stupid fucking comment... the mentality being I was skinny so I must not have known how to eat. If there is an truth to the saying that STICKS AND STONES WILL BREAK MY BONES BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME – I failed to understand that coz that comment was always enough to reduce me to tears. But I never did let anyone see me cry – instead I use to smile and go to the bathroom and cry my heart out. This is the reason why even to this day I use a smile to cover how I really feel and never cry in public. Did I say NEVER? I meant NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER.
59. Talking of crying I swear I’ve become such an emotional weepy thing in the last few weeks it scares me. Fucking Alex and his screwing with my head.
60. With the exception of getting all teary as of late – I tend to have a firm control of my emotions.
61. There is a ruthless hard edge to my nature that is blunt and often comes across quite cold.
62. I don’t believe I’m easily misunderstood. If someone thinks something about me they probably are right.
63. Talking of right – I’m one of those people whom have a great deal of difficultly distinguishing my left from my right. I’m never certain until I use my right hand as a compass and even then I’ll still uncertain to a certain degree. This annoys my brother to no end coz I always end up guiding and him driving and he hates it when I say left but mean right or point and say turn there. I think the pointing annoys him the most. I find I do think more often because I know this.
64. Of other annoying habits… actually scrap that lets talk disgusting habits. I’m quite prone to picking my nose. Nothing cleans your nose as well as your finger. But I never do this in public and I’m always at home where I can thoroughly wash my hands afterwards. I would never be able to do this in public. People’s perception of me is more important than a clean nose.
65. Human behaviour fascinates me. I’d love to have become a Psychologist but I don’t possess the dedication nor the determination that starting from scratch would entail – the years and years of studying is too much for me to deal with now. I wish I knew more about myself when I was younger and such an endeavour would not be so burdensome.
66. When I was younger I considered becoming a Doctor and was fortunate enough to secure a 2 week work experience placement at BUPA Hospital Bushey – which is one of UK’s leading prestigious private hospitals and they take only one per school kid per year – how and why they took me on is something I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand. I might have done a few unique things now but then I was absolutely nothing special. Anyways I’m side tracking – it was a life changing experience… as much as I loved it… it served an important role… it confirmed something that I really should have known all along – that I was heading into studying medicine for the wrong reasons. It was something the family was pushing me towards when really I wasn’t interested in doing medicine. But without a doubt two of the most interesting weeks in my life.
67. Talking of work experience my first job was as a till boy in a pharmacy in Kentish Town. I was only 16 and it was a cash in hand job – I’m not sure now exactly but I think I was paid £35 per Saturday 9AM to 5PM which really was something back then – now I work half of those hours for twice as much.
68. My shortest job was working in a card shop called Birthdays. I absolutely hated it. I think I only lasted a month. I had paper cuts on top of other paper cuts. An absolutely ghastly job.
69. The hardest decision of my career was back in 2004 when I was offered two jobs one at Lloyds TSB and the other at MK Mortgage. The MK Mortgage role offered £6,000 more than the Lloyds TSB job so it was a particularly hard decision. Coz it was between long term prospects or immediate money in my hand. I’m glad I chose Lloyds TSB and I have never regretted that decision. Although I could have done with an extra £6,000.
70. I’d be lying if I said that money was not important to be. I’ve been brought up in a culture where money is very important as is status and your occupation.
71. What people think is often more important than what you think. Especially amongst our culture. I think this is bollocks. I’m quite inward thinking and I’m not ashamed to admit that. My opinion of me counts more to me than other people’s opinions of me.
72. Talking of opinions – I hate politics – it is uninteresting and I’d much rather talk shit. One of my mates did a degree and A-Level in politics and once told me that it is all about talking shit. For such a dull individual (I say this to his face) that is one of the funniest things I’ve ever been told.
73. I like to think I’m funny… so I do. I’ve lost count of the number of people who have said I’m one of the funniest people they know. This always pleases me immensely – if anyone ever wants to compliment me – tell me I’m funny. Funnily enough I was never the class clown as school but I have a dry dark sense of humour – which makes sarcasm my forte… as Silly Billy and Aprill may have noticed… I find I derive a perverse pleasure in it.
74. Talking of perversions I think about sex far too much. I wouldn’t call myself a sex addict… fuck only knows I’d never drop my pants to everyone who I find attractive or am drawn to. But I do suffer from as Jay calls it… CAPS (Constant Arousal of the Penis Syndrome) – that is also one of the funniest things I’ve ever been told.
75. I’ve mentioned this before but #74 was a painful problem when I was circumcised at eighteen. The circumcision was done as I suffered from a condition known as Phimosis. I am glad I suffered from it – I love the look of my penis circumcised. And I love the look of any man’s cut penis.
76. Tattoos are and always will be the greatest turn on for me. The least I say here the better.. I could talk for hours how strongly they influence my libido.
77. Talking of drooling and consequently saliva – the first person I kissed using my tongue and an exchange of saliva was a girl called Amanda. I’m still in contact with her but we have never discussed the time we rolled around naked thinking we were having sex… ‘thinking’ as in we didn’t actually have sex but both thought we did – we were both too young and innocent to know that actual sex involved penetration. We got naked on her bed and rolled around and for several years thought we had had sex – Gosh do I miss that kind of innocence.
78. It horrifies me nowadays what kids know about sex. The biggest shock of my life was when two eight year old girls said the boys outside the shop I was working at were harassing them to give them blow jobs. I had to ask an eighty year old customer if I had heard the girls right? – the look on her face confirmed I had – when I went outside to investigate I was equally shocked to see three eight year old boys. Do eight year old boys even get hard-ons?
79. Having experienced that I firmly believe kids under ten should not be allowed out of the house unsupervised unless they are at school.
80. I’m an avid reader. I use to go to the local library everyday after school. My aunt worked a minute away so after she finished work we came home together. I’m not sure if this was because I hated it at home or I loved reading – maybe it was half and half.
81. #80 is the only reason I have such a good command of English and the reason why dyslexia has never held me back. It amuses me to no end that there are many White English people (whose ancestry is also English) whom I can best with my written and oral command of the Queen’s English.
82. I speak several languages fluently – English, Gujarati and Hindi. I can get by in Punjabi and French. And I’m currently in the process of turning my Pigeon Spanish into Proper Spanish… the Spanish I know so far is only from my holidays in Spain.
83. I hate cooking. It’s a chore as far as I’m concerned. I doubt I’ll ever think otherwise.
84. I much prefer simple foods than exotic foods. I’m the kind of person who hates trying new kind of foods. The more exotic it is… the less likely I am willing to try it. I’d be much happier to eat chips or pizza. For this reason I am a nightmare to visit restaurants with. Especially new ones.
85. I started drinking at 16. I use to drink loads and loads and loads of alcohol. It got to the point where I could claim I binge drink. I thus gave up. None of my friends believed I could do it. Once someone called Dan asked me ‘what I got out of giving up?’ – this is one of those rare times I was completely lost for words. Because I’ve not drunk since I was 19 my tolerance for alcohol has greatly reduced – it’s official I’m a lightweight now.
86. My favourite pub was a little place on Wembley High Road called ‘The Old Post office’. It was called thus because.. well how to I put this… it use to be a Post Office. It has changed so much from the time it was my regular haunt. This saddens me greatly as I had some great moments in that pub. They swapped the old battered settees for brand new chairs which made the pub look much more modern but it cost the homely feel that made me love it.
87. I have a fiery temper – it is close to impossible to actually get me to boiling point. But when I do I see red and red alone. And when I do trust me you’d be a fool to cross my path. There have only been a handful of times where I have lost my temper. Almost all have exclusively been due to my brother. The single exception was when my dad hit my mum in front of me once. I made my sentiments clear on the subject. And as far as I know he has never raised his hand to my mum again.
88. Thinking of things that scare me – I’m deadly afraid of open water. I completely freak out if I find myself in open water but weirdly I love being on boats, in submarines and on jet-skis. It’s just the fear of drowning out at sea that drains the life out of me. It was not helped by my holiday in Gran Canaria when during a boat party I had a ride on a jet-ski. On return to the boat the jet-ski owner pushed me off the jet-ski in hope I’d swim back to the boat. As I hit the water I panicked. The momentum of the push carried me downwards into the water and I sank. The concept of using my arms and legs to break the water was foreign to me (the thought just didn’t occur to me) and as I sunk I admitted defeat and a profound calm and peace settled upon me. I knew I was about to die but still I was one with the water. So death orientated I was that I failed to realise that I was wearing a life jacket which slowed the downward momentum and started me back towards to surface. This all happened within the span of a minute – however under water like that I felt each second as it ticked by – almost in slow motion. The urge to breathe overpowered me before I had broken the surface and I took a lungful of water about 2 seconds before I broke out of the water. I don’t know how I know this but a difference of a single second and I would not have survived that incident. If that second breath I took was not air I would have suffocated. This is my near death experience I rarely talk about. I don’t think I’ve ever told my family about this. But this is the reason I hate swimming – it acutely reminds me of this. But I learnt something that day.. I don’t fear death.
89. I don’t believe in God but if Angels exist I’ve found one in Jules of Vivid Intellect. She has become a pillar of strength and a great confidant.
90. I have a dreadfully poor memory. This seems to stem from the fact that I’ve suffered from insomnia since I was in my early-mid teens.
91. My favourite song has got to be ‘To The Moon & Back’ by Savage Garden. There are absolutely too many songs I love but there is a special place in my heart for that song. A very close second would be ‘Insatiable’ by Darren Hayes (vocalist for Savage Garden). Could this be an obsession with Darren Hayes?
92. I really love writing. I’ve been writing a book since I was about 12. It’s cursed… as each and every time I make progress I lose it – it’s obviously always my fault – it’s a lack of backing up and not making multiple copies. I still have some of it on paper but only about 30%. The crazy thing is I’ve not lost it once… or twice but a whopping three times. You’d think I’d have learnt the importance of backing up. I’ve started writing it on paper now. I have at the most about a couple of pages in a digital format now. It’s very upsetting.
93. I don’t look or act my age. I’ve only rarely had new people I meet who are able to accurately guess exactly how old I am. Normally they are under by at least four years. At twenty-three I had a sixteen year old girl ask me out thinking I was seventeen/eighteen. She thought I was joking and had to use my driving licence to prove it. She still insisted I go out with her.
94. My favourite quote is: If someone asked me if I thought I was the brightest star. I’d say no. I’d not hesitate to say I’m as bright as any other but the brightest star would be the one by my side. And that would be you – I have no idea where that comes from but isn’t that the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard?
95. I’m a huge Pokemon fan. I have over a thousand Pokemon Trading Cards and so many Gameboy games I’d dare not count. I recently bought the Nintendo DS solely to play ‘Pokemon Mystery Dungeon’
96. I’m terrible at masking my irritation and annoyance. No matter how hard I try it shows clearly on my face.
97. I don’t believe in God. I stopped believing shortly after my uncle passed away. Prior to that I was deeply religious and would never have imagined turning to Atheism. I’d really like to believe in greater power but I seem to have lost that ability.
98. Despite attempts to grow thicker skin… the truth is my feelings are hurt easily.
99. My interests change day to day.
100. As much as I moan about Britain and it’s crappy weather. The truth is I love Britain and London even more so. I could not imagine living anywhere else but here.

Another Joke

I read this and I couldn’t help but laugh. I’ve changed the names slightly coz the names in the original one were just weird.

Chris died in a fire and his body was so badly burnt that the morgue needed someone to identify the body. They called up his two best friends, Eric and Peter.

Eric went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Eric said, "Whoa, he's very barbecued. Please roll him over, and I will tell you whether if this is my friend Chris or not."

The mortician rolled the body over and Eric looked at his ass and immediately said, "No sir, that isn't Chris."

The mortician was puzzled but didn't say anything. He then went and got Peter to inspect the body. Peter looked closely and said, "Yes, it is true he's burnt very badly, but roll him over and I'll see if he's my friend Chris."

Again the mortician rolled the body over and Peter looked down at the ass and said, "Oh thank goodness, this is not Chris!"

The mortician was extremely puzzled, and unable to stand it any longer he asked, "Okay, you have to tell me now - how can you and Eric tell whether it is Chris just by looking at the ass?"

Peter replied, "It's simple really. Well you see… Chris had two assholes!"

"What?" the mortician said with disbelief, "He had two assholes? Are you sure?"

"Oh yes! Everyone knows this. Everytime the three of us go out, people always shout, "Here comes Chris with the two assholes."

One Word Answers ONLY challenge

Saw this on Pinky's blog AKA Jules

It wasn't hard - Jules made it sound like a real challenge - I guess I'm fairly monosyllabic when I want to be. Some were harder than others though.

Aim: Answer the questions with one word answers.....

1. Where is your cell phone? Here
2. Your boy/girlfriend or husband/wife? Coughs
3. Your hair? Short
4. Your mother? Adorable
5. Your father? Absent
6. Your favorite thing? Penises
7. Your dream last night? Hot
8. Your favorite drink? Lucozade
9. Your dream car? Lexus
10. The room you're in? Bedroom
11. Your ex? Clingy
12. Your fears? Ocean
13. Where do you want to be in 10 years? Comfortable
14. Who did you hang out with yesterday? Family
15. What you're not? Uncomplicated
16. Muffins? Yum
17. One of your wish list items? Happiness
18. Where you grew up? Stonebridge
19. The last thing you did? Study
20. What are you wearing? Blue
21. Your TV? Suffices
22. Your pet? Whisper
23. Your computer? Broken
24. Your life? Fucked
25. Your mood? Stressed
26. Missing? Freedom
28. Your car? Dented
29. Your work? Perfect
30. Your summer? Sexy
31. Like someone? Yes
32. Your favorite color? Red
33. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier
34. Last time you cried? February
35. School? Rundown

Feel free to meme yourself and see if you can do it too!

Eye Candy

I don't know if I've mentioned it yet - but I'm having our garden made a little presentable.

Ironically the guy doing it is called Alex.

Alexi I believe his actual name is.

I called him this and he very politely asked me not to call him that again. So politely in fact it shocked me he is a common gardener cum builder cum DIY guy. For a second I almost pictured him pruning the Queen's hedges in Buckingham Palace.

Alex is from Latvia and well isn't the worst looking guy on the planet. So I was watching him dig. Not in a perv way or anything - he wasn't topless - otherwise it would have been me ogling him - not just watching. But it's like the man has magic fingers coz already he has done more for my garden in a span of two half days than I have over the past 5 years. Just for the record I have seen him topless - not bad on the eyes. Not in the slightest. Plus he that sexy non-Brit accent thing going on which it always great to listen to.

So anyway I'm watching him and I see the finest most dashing looking bloke I have ever laid eyes on (no not Alex teh gardener) but some block in the garden behind mine. I swear like he has just stepped out of a magazine. Immaculate. Hot. Sexy. Topless.

[SSD waits to catch his breath back]

And he has the most gorgeous set of tattoos too.

[SSD croons ever so slightly]

Now him I was watching in a perv way.

HE WAS F. I. N. E. FINE.

I can't believe I've never noticed him before. I ran into my bedroom to grab a camera so I could share this hunk with you guys but as I enter my room it dawns on me that my brother has it and I think FUCK. So I run back to my garden and the fucker has gone back inside.

[SSD sighs]

I've noticed his kids and wife in the garden before, but they are quite ordinary looking and I never imagined this ordinary looking woman would have a Super Fit Ultra Hot Super Man as a husband (I imagine they are married - but this this mere speculation on my part).

I think I may have to find time to spend in my garden.

When Is Too Soon Really Too Soon?

I had a mock exam today and during it I was listening to my MP3 player and the song Apologize came on. I've heard it hundreds of times now - it's off Timberland's Shock Value album. It features this new group called One Republic (I first heard of them when Ryan Tedder sang on Oakenfold's A Lively Mind album and I loved both songs he featured on - well I loved the whole album actually) and they've fast become one of my favourite groups right now - if you haven't heard Apologize - get hold of it - it is an amazing song.

Anyways I'm losing track of what I was trying to say... so Apologize comes on and in the dead silence of the room - I heard the lyrics for the first time and I couldn't help it but they caught my breath. Here are the words:

I’m holding on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground.
And I’m hearing what you say, but I just can’t make a sound.
You tell me that you need me, then you go and cut me down.
But wait... you tell me that you’re sorry.
Didn’t think I’d turn around and say..
That it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late.
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late.
I’d take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you.
And I need you like a heart needs a beat. But that's nothing new.
Yeah yeah I loved you with a fire red, now it’s turning blue.
And you say sorry like an angel, heavens not the thing for you.
But I’m afraid, it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late.
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late.
Woahooo woah.
It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late.
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late.
I said it’s too late to apologize, yeah, yeah I said it’s too late to apologize,
Yeah I’m holding your rope got me ten feet off the ground...

Am I the only person who can love a song even before the lyrics actually hit you. Coz I loved that song long before I knew the lyrics - ok I knew the chorus - it's too late to apologize.

Anyways the reason I mention that it today marks one week to the day I got dumped - I know that isn't the correct term but the reason I use it is I have a question...

When having been dumped, rejected, or heartbroken - when does one put his/her heart back on the line? What is an appropriate mourning period? A week? 2 weeks? A month? 2 months?

Like I said it's been exactly a week and again I find myself in a predicament.

After having endured what can only be described as a series of tests or irony at it's worst (which in itself is a post so I won't go into details but don't hold your breath coz I ain't planning on sharing it) and I find myself at a point in my life where I've gotten back that spark that makes it worthwhile getting out of bed in the morning. Sooner than I expected if I'm honest. My friends didn't lie when they said I'm one of the emotionally strongest people they know.

In the immediate aftermath of Alex's decision I was faced with having to decide if I could actually continue to be friends with Alex or whether it would be plain nasty in terms of awkwardness and difficulty - MSN being the main problem.

The voice in my head (that I call reason) said I should remove him off MSN at least for a week or two.
The angry voice in my head said I should block him permanently and let him know.
The really angry voice said I should block him permanently and let him figure it out himself - he is really smart afterall.

But before any of the three voices won me over I stumbled across him on MSN when I least expected him - in the morning. Which would be some gastly hour there (like 1 or 2AM).

Now I was faced with the moment of truth - should I contact him or shouldn't I. Could I contact him or couldn't I. Not wanting to be left out the voices screamed NO in unison. But me being me ignored them and said hello.

We spoke. OK the choice of first words was difficult but the conversation flowed without the awkwardness I had imagined. Things were far from what they were before but the lack of awkwardness was great. Which gave me hope that the remaining friends might actually work.

His blog on the other hand has been a no go area. Since I read the post detailing his trip to Cancun I just haven't had the heart to read it. Besides my theory is if anything significant happens in his life he can tell over MSN.

Crap I just realised I've drifted away from my original post. So moving back...

The question my post is about is how soon is too soon to open up to the possibility of getting involved with someone else?

I swear I often worry about others more than I worry about myself. It's a failing! What can I say?

I don't wanna do the whole rebound thing and fuck up someone in the process - that just ain't me. I'd rather wait it out - but I've never been in this position before and I really don't know how long it takes to heal completely or sufficiently. Logic says I'm blogging about it so I can't be too far off (I don't intend to take the comments facility off - progress or what?)

But I find someone in the perfect position to be the rebound guy. It might not end with him being the rebound guy but what to do? Risk it or stall?

Whatever I ultimately decide I fully intend to tell him the appropriate risks and let him be the deciding factor. Sounds fair right?

So the question I leave with you is How long is an appropriate mourning period for a month long Internet romance? Kinda sounds silly when I put it like that, no?

Apologies for the long post - it was meant to be a short one. The long one is coming up soon. This is my 96th post (I think) and for my 100th post I intend to put up 100 things about me - which I've done now and boy it is LONG.

A Joke

Mr Cadbury’s met Ms Rowntree in a room on Quality Street, it was After Eight when he presented her with Roses. He turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. He slipped his hand in her Snickers and let her finger his Curly Wurly. Not keen to have Jelly Babies she let him take a trip to Bourneville boulevard. She screamed with Turkish Delight as he took out his Fun Sized Mars bar. It felt a bit Crunchie and she wanted a Time Out but he did a Twirl and quickly had a Picnic in her Pink Wafers.

RIP

This is just a quick post to acknowledge the 32 people killed at Virginia Tech today.

May you all rest in peace.

Arachnophobia

Have I yet mentioned that I get completely freaked out by spiders?

No matter how hard I try I can't seem to fathom the concept that spiders aren't hideously frightening nasty creations that serve no other real purpose than scaring the living daylight out of you.

I'm sure I'm not alone in this fear of spiders. Arachnophobia is something the vast majority of people scared of.

So I ask a question of you... if given an opportunity to confront your fear of spiders would you or would you not dare to hold a spider and let it freely walk all over you? Not just any spider but the dreaded Tarantula? Yes or no?

Well I was faced with this very situation in Longleat - which further to my post several days ago was where I went with my family over the Easter Weekend.

Would it thus surprise you to learn that whilst at Longleat I held a Tarantula. Not only did I hold it but I let it walk up my arms.

Am I a crazy bastard or what?

Would anyone have done the same in my position?

Closure

It's happened.

The thing I've been dreading for weeks.

Alex has made the decision to keep working at his relationship with G. Deep down I knew the holiday to Cancun would be the end. But I wasn't sure I wanted to accept it.

We had 'the talk' yesterday.

Although I saw this coming at least a week ago, if not more - it still hurt.

Weirdly I find I'm happy for him. Now he knows where he stands... I know where I stand. I've spoken to a close mate about it and she claims I'm happy for him coz I obviously care about him. I failed to see the logic in that - I didn't think I was that big a man. But I feel as I feel.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not happy for me! Hell no. Just for him. Me? I am hurting and despite not wanting to I can not help but feel rejected. There is also some anger and in general some negative vibes - but I'm only human and well I'll not try to act otherwise.

As this is my blog I didn't want to not blog about this but this is way too fresh and I really don't want any comments on this as of yet - so I've disabled the comments on this post and I'd appreciate if I'm given some space to deal with this before I freely & openly discuss it.

Thanks.

A Long Overdue Update

It’s been a while since I was last on e-blogger. So apologies for the very long post – I’ve been updating this day by day on Word.

Since last week I’ve had several full days of lectures so most of my week was busy busy busy, so in the start of the week I was preoccupied with my studies.

My Internet has been playing up as of late. Well actually that’s a bit of a stretch – my Internet provider is crap and so after twiddling my thumb for ages I finally went about getting it sorted once and for all. I switched providers - after speaking to AOL they assured me that I would have a smooth transition and only lose my Internet connection for a maximum of half a day. Would you say I was gullible like shit that I bought into that bullshit?

My Internet stopped working on Wednesday. I thought it would pass as I always have issues as of late with my Internet provider. But considering I’d switched providers I thought I should investigate so I rang Tiscali my current provider but when they informed me that they had suspended the service I was a touch surprised. Consequently I rang AOL on Thursday and they informed me that they had dispatched a wireless router and it should be with me shortly – when had they dispatched it I asked. Earlier that day.

Confused behind the logic of transferring a line over and posting the router the following day, I just let it go. Surely it would make sense to post the router prior to porting the service. Since Friday was Good Friday and Monday was Easter Monday I was not expecting this router until at least Tuesday or Wednesday. So I made my way to my cousin’s house to quickly use his internet and check my mails. It’s amazing how disconnected you feel without Internet access.

Friday we had decided we would visit Longleat, so much of Thursday evening was spent doing bits and pieces in preparation. I had asked my youngest aunt to tag along with her family so we bundled together in two cars and drove the 110 miles – which for British people is A LOT. Unfortunately my niece was sick twice on the journey and trying to settle a three year old when she’s thrown up is a nightmare – so despite having left at 8AM we got there at 1PM. It closes at 5.30PM so we didn’t have much time to do more than the safari but the brilliance of Longleat is once you have a passport ticket you can visit over and over again in the same season to complete the parts you weren’t able to do. My niece had a great time after her initial morning sickness. And most importantly after wanting to see Stonehenge for almost as long as I remember I finally saw in person the famous landmark – I’d never travelled westwards like that and they were as great as I imagined them to be – unfortunately I wasn’t able to get out of the car and see them but we drive right past. We didn’t get home until well late into the evening and when we did I was pooped having driven for so long (I drove the entire way back and half way there)

Saturday I had work but just before I left I was surprised when the router arrived on my doorstep. Eager I wanted to connect it up but with work I couldn’t. In the moment I got lost and arrived for the first time after everyone else. Pity they all had to wait outside coz I had the front door key - they were all shocked I had arrived so late and asked if I was okay all day long… the truth is I was on an hours sleep and it showed.

As soon as I got home I connected the router up and eagerly installed it. Obviously it failed. I rang AOL a total of 6 times and totalled up about 2 hours – I fear how much that will cost when the phone bill arrives. But after a mindless set of repetitive conversations I was informed that there was a fault on the BT line and it would take another 24 to 48 hours to rectify. Suffice to say 48 hours later it still wasn’t working.

And thus arrived Sunday. I was wide awake at 7AM so I got up and showered. I thought from the serious lack of sleeping/resting hours I’d have lain in bed for a while – but no. Later on we went down to Richmond Park to see the deer, as my cousins really wanted to see them. My niece threw up a second time and it has me thinking she might be getting car sick. In total we must have been about 150 deer and stood about 5 metres away from the herd.
I topped the day up with a great big bang that woke up my mum’s entire neighbourhood at 1.30 in the middle of the night. Wait for it. Guess what the bang was? It was me driving my aunt’s car through the wooden fence that separates my mum’s road and the school across the road. The fence now has a small car sized hole and the cement support pillar is snapped in two. I’m not even gonna mention the state of the fence itself. My aunt’s car has a dented bummer and no number plate – but I was so shell shocked that she didn’t gun me down or shout instead she tried her best to calm me down and we had a great laugh about it afterwards. Thank God that my brother ran out of his house and took the car out of my hands. At that point I’m not sure I knew the difference between the brake or the accelerator, the gearbox or the handbrake. I just needed for the shock to fade. I think my aunt found me totalling her car funnier than upsetting. She was in the car with me.

Monday we were planning to go down to Bognor Regis as the weather had been fantastic for the past few days. Usual weather for April is about 12 degrees and rain whereas we had 23 degrees and sunshine on Monday. But early in the morning we changed our minds and went back to Longleat, in order to make the most of the passport tickets we had bought on Friday. I had given my niece an anti-sickness pill (well half a pill) in the morning against everyone’s better judgement – apparently under 3s aren’t allowed to be given anti-sickness pills – my thinking was she’ll be 3 in a month so half a pill would not be a big deal. Thankfully she didn’t throw up. We did a boat safari and we saw a gorilla, 2 hippos, and loads of sea lions. Greatest was the 4 sea lions who were swimming with our boat. We also did the hedge maze and split into 2 teams – boys and girls. Me leading the boys found the centre of the maze within 5 minutes and the girls took half an hour and only got out coz I helped direct them from the tower in the centre of the maze (we were running short of time and didn’t want to waste too much time in there). As it was a bank holiday the queues were horrendous and we waited and waited and waited in queues but the weather was great and I finally was able to flash my tattoo somewhat since I had it done. Yay me! I drove back again in the pitch darkness – and oodles of traffic – I lost count of the u-turns I did on single carriageways and the alternative routes I took – the path between London and longleat is well known to me now – ok I think I was speeding but we got home at 1AM and if I wasn’t speeding it could have easily been 2AM.

Tuesday saw me running around like a headless chicken trying to get my aunt’s car sorted. By running around I mean I asked my brother to sort it out and I put my feet up – well honestly I didn’t put my feet up I did some work – I have loads of tests coming up and I still haven’t started my revision – in fact if I’m being honest I haven’t even finished the class work so revision is a while off still. But I did give him a hand patching up the fence I had smashed to pieces Sunday night. It looks almost as good as new. If anyone in the neighbourhood didn’t know it was me who smashed the car through the fence in the middle of the night – they did when they saw my brother and I repair the fence. I also made umpteenth number of calls to AOL in order to find out what the fuck was happening with my Internet connection. I stopped by my cousin’s late in the evening and sent an urgent mail that should have been sent almost a week ago. But problem with using my cousin’s Internet is that he is just a nosey shite well he reads watches everything you do. So made checking my blog a touch hard but I saw a message from Jules (bless) giving me a heads-up and well curiosity got the better of me – thanks for that babe (but with my cousin watching that curiosity must have raised an eyebrow – oh well). I lost count of the people who asked if I was okay as the day progressed. Ummmm I’ll have to work on masking that.

Wednesday saw me ring up AOL for the millionth time with the same repetitive drown response… give us 24 hours it’s being investigated! No shit Sherlock. Concentration on work was poor. I wish I was able to compartmentalise my feelings. I’m on the cusp of a nervous breakdown I swear. As if I didn’t have enough on my plate I’m beginning to see cracks forming in my aunt’s marriage (especially after spending so much time with them over the long Easter weekend), with my friend’s father passing away (she’s just returned to work now), with J’s pregnancy being a hot topic at work and everyone asking me about it coz we are soo close and everyone thinks I know all the details (I do but I’m not into gossip about close friends - I’ve resigned to NO COMMENT for now), with my exams looming, my lost internet connection, my aunt’s car dented all over, my aunt & coming out, and worse is the extended family’s insinuation that I’m at the perfect age for taking a wife at every family function and I swear right now it feels like I meet extended family on a weekly basis now that Spring is in the air.

And now finally Wednesday evening and I have Internet. YAY.

Holey Shit 9 Weeks Left

Hey all

It's been almost a week since I told my Aunt I am gay and well nothing has really changed. The book still appears unread. I think it's still too early to be hoping things would be okay.

OMG I can’t believe it’s already April already. That means it is officially 9 weeks till my exams and that is absolutely terrifying because I am no closer to ready than I was at the start of the term back in January.

With the way things have been in my life over the past month, between Alex and my Aunt, I’ve not really been prioritising my forthcoming exams. I know I know – I will be now with only 9 weeks left. But what is past is well in the past and I'm not gonna get worked up something I can't change now. I have 9 weeks and I intend to make the most of them.

Anyways the point I’m trying to make is I was on the ACCA website this morning checking the pass rates for the exams in the last sitting (December 2006).
I’m due to be taking 2.6, 3.1 & 3.2 in June 2007 and these are the pass rates for these:
2.6 – Audit & Internal Review is 31%
3.1 – Audit & Assurance Services is 32%
3.2 – Advanced Taxation is 33%

And if even for a second you think I’m kidding see the link below and have a look yourself:
http://www.accaglobal.com/students/study_exams/support/exams/passrates/professional_scheme coz no shit these are hard exams. Best part is I'm taking the 3 hardest exams this term (evidenced by the 3 lowest passrates in Dec 06)... On average for these 3 exams the pass rates indicate only 32 people pass out of every 100. Nice odds huh? Better make sure those odds work in my favour.

Now this has a couple of implications
1. I have A LOT of work to do in the 9 weeks
2. My blogging will be taking a backseat (most esp in May)
3. As much as it will pain me Alex will also be taking a back seat – which all things considered will probably not be a bad thing (I’ll explain below my reasoning - Gawd I hate that he reads my blog sometimes)
4. Jules the email correspondence will be much rarer and much much shorter - though I may appear on MSN time permitting at our 9PM rendezvous ;o)
5. My comments on the blogs I frequent may be rarer (this is gonna be so hard to actually do)

Arrrgggghhhh. Life is such a bitch.

Anyways moving on to Alex.

For the last few days there have been so many things bugging me. Most relate back to G.

The other day Alex accidentally showed me a photo of said nuisance (is this harsh? - to call someone a nuisance) and now no matter how I think about it G is a real person and no longer a faceless figment and this bothers me in ways I didn't know it could burden me. How can I care about someone who I've never met and I think I a complete and utter cunt? Sometimes I think I'm just too much of a fool. I always have held firmly to never interfering in someones relationship - no matter what - and with Alex I seem to lose my head and I can not longer lie to myself - no matter how I look at it - I'm trying to interfere with him and G and that disappoints me - coz it shows me I'm doing something that I didn't think I was capable of - I can't bend the rules I follow when it suits me and think I hold fast to them.

In the start when I spoke to Alex - things were not perfect with Alex and G and against my better judgement I decided that things will sort themselves out some time soon so I didn't fight falling for Alex - but they haven't and I can no longer ignore that. I'm not sure how Alex has talked himself away from some of the things he has said G has done but the truth is Alex and G are a couple and I think I have to accept that despite what Alex says... there is more to the relationship than meets the eye - coz if there wasn't well it would be easy enough to deal with. I know for a fact that Alex loves G - he has been open about the relationship with G from the start and that is probably the only reason I've let things get so far. But how well can I continue to deal with said scenario and not let it get to me?

I've thus been asking myself when is enough actually enough? When does one put himself first? Coz when I stop and listen to reason - the voices in my head lay facts out for me that make things appear so very simple. And the simplicity of the matter is Alex is with G. And there is a high risk of me getting hurt in the process especially as time carries on and I find myself getting deeper and deeper.

For those that know the back story or read Alex's blog will know that he has gone away for Spring Break to Cancun - funnily enough I couldn't be happier for him - he works soo hard and school is demanding no matter what easy he makes it seem and the break is well deserved.

It's a hard decision but I think it's time for me to take a small step back. Not too far back... just a baby step... coz the truth is I've never had anyone get under my skin like him. This will give me some time to focus on my exams and Alex the much needed time to sort out things with G.

I think this is the best for now.