English Style

Apologies all.. I know I've been neglecting EVERYONE'S blog.. but please bear with me I will catch up with y'alls blogs when I have a minute to call my own.

I'm sure I've mentioned already that English reads my blog. Well suffice to say he read the last post and being as sarcastic as I am.. he wrote me a fairly sarcastic email of the second date... which was in essence meant to mirror my tongue-in-cheek rendition of the first date.

I'm gonna be honest here.. I doubt I would have had time to write up the second date for another week or so.. coz frankly my life is like a rollercoaster right now and I barely have time to breath.

So here is English's version of what MY blog post would read had I written it. So just to be clear, it's him writing from my perspective. Whilst he had written the whole thing in humour.. it's all true.. except it was HIM who kept calling me HONEY and NOT me. Just so we're clear.

So here goes:

Dear Diary

I met English yesterday; again I found him chasing ambulances outside one of the hospitals in my NHS Trust. If I didn’t know better, I’d have thought he was one of those no-fee injury lawyers dating for a quick buck. Getting you up to speed, we’ve been texting one another like crazy over the last week; the feeling of him remotely causing a vibration in my trouser pocket even kept the granny sitting next to me on the bus one day entertained.

Anyway, all went well until he realised 5 seconds later that he’d left his house keys at work. We trundled down the river path and he hurdled the front door while I got gawped at outside by someone I thought was flirting; only later did I hear that I got mistaken for one of English’s youth centre kids. Well, hey do I really come off with first impressions that young and friendly or does everyone want to give me charity!?!

The sun was shining, though the wind made me hide beneath my hoody in a style that would have had even the most covert James Bond questioning his identity. Wandering along the river towards English’s pad, across the bridge, up the street and finally over the threshold saw me ripping off my jacket, flinging off my shoes and socks and err... collapsing on his couch in front of the telly. I was getting déjà vu of our first date where I had this inner feeling of being relaxed and didn’t think twice about making myself feel at home. No wonder you readers must have an impression of me as a ???? but enough of that.

Conversation started to flow and later we look at our clocks to find that we’ve been chatting for 3 hours without grabbing dinner. For those curious readers, yes I’d already managed to find an excuse for siding up against him – he’d opened the window wide when we got home and this hot blooded star gave the “I’m cold” line, always works. Oh well, my reputation precedes me, the gear stick was again in first, it seemed like I was driving an automatic.

They say you can’t keep hunger locked up till lunch so we trundled out to Domino’s and this gave me the ideal opportunity to impress with my flirty ways. My arm round him, seedy talk and the usual forward thinking moves ensured I kept ahead of the game. Waiting for the pizza, we headed off to a supermarket to get a few drinks and passing the milk counter gave me the chance to learn how farmers drain their cows from their teats – this was proving to be a truly educational night out!

Back at home (yeah, I called it home, shock horror shock) we crashed in the lounge with pizza but English fumbled around his drawers for a mission impossible he came out (err, not that way) with two crackers and was insistent that I stand from the sofa. Yeah, you’ll have all guessed that some weird innuendo is imminent. We pulled these crackers and the room received a golden shower of sorts – the crackers were full of glossy love hearts, the usual jokes and a gift. Our love sprawled across the floor, laughter and a pair of handcuffs in my hand what else could I do? Lucky that English came away with a silver padlock to lock up all life’s little mysteries.

It was no to Pretty Woman and yes to Enemy of the State reflecting from the telly in the wall mirror (mirrors? yeah, more of that to come later, they are great for vain little me). My 16” waistline was feeling leaner than a drainpipe so it was time to hit the calorie-laden pizza with gnawing fangs till I could eat no more; we didn’t even touch the fresh hot chocolate brownies. English decided to tuck into something else brown for dessert and I’ll tell you that by this time that more than my face and hands were uncovered; I’d peeled back the layers like a hotel housemaid determined to clock off shift. Will Smith wasn’t getting much attention as two expeditioners were making headway down a large gorge on the sofa. They say dragons have tongues and my tattoo a head start; there was more resuscitation practice than on the set of ER. I was checking my casualty’s airways for some hours looking for chest movement, listening for sounds of breathing and feeling for my casualty's breath on my cheek. More than a few minutes passed and I’ll have to bare you the gory details but suffice to say that later I found myself being carried to the bedroom with my legs wrapped around his waist, a real belt-er (pardon the cheesey pun)!

Over and under, to the left and to the right, backwards and forwards. I forgot how difficult guys make lying in a flat double bed; we’d completed the assault course and become black belts in karate. Frisky fingers wandered like a spider across my back, tantalisingly ticklish and caused me to squirm like a princess (shucks, did I say that?) The temperature was hot’ing up, steam could have been forming on the windows and English whispered in my ear, we’re not having ??? (hmm three letters, you know) until we’re in a relationship since “he respected me more than a quick shag”. Damn, how could a man turn ME down, how naff was that? We talk and cuddle, cuddle smooch and talk, the hours pass and it’s suddenly 3am.

Now if there’s one thing that’s impossible in life, it’s falling asleep horny as a Tasmanian Devil. There we were, the two angels bearing the ethics of a 50-year married couple excitable as piranhas trying to catch some shut eye but we simply couldn’t. English and I became giggling girls, horny tigers and rampant rhinos eager to please one another – it was kind of weird; there we were being all intimate yet incredibly courteous and relaxed almost as though we’d known each other a hundred years. Words such as honey, hubby and husband slipped from my lips at English several times unannounced so maybe English had found the answer to his question “do you believe in love?”

To cut a long story short, after all we had another 3 hours to burn before getting up, I’ll leave readers to imagine our exploits that preceded English carrying me in a hug into the bathroom where it wasn’t my hands spreading coconut shower gel down my front and back but some stranger that I’d woken up beside. We dressed, snogged and left but before I head off, I’ll have to tell you about my adopted baby-self. English has no doubt caught his eyes on my blog and remembered I’m that the stars find me a leo because what did I find dropped in the bowels of my bag as I left? A soft cuddly lion with Eng-GRRR-land emblazed across his chest – now I have my English lion at home.

Guys doesn't he write as well as I?

Hands up for those who agree he needs his own blog.. so he can write his own posts.. and not mine.

PS - the cracker that he made me pull on revealed about 150 plus little red hearts that exploded out of the valentine cracker.. it was like the most romantic thing EVER I swear (shock horror.. he made SSD blush in embarassment). He's is so romantic.. sometimes I feel the need to make sure he isn't a girl and really does have a penis (I've seen it & it is real).

English Potatoes

Averagely speaking, my longest date has been 3-4 hours long. That’s when we do a movie or dinner. I can chat for England but conversation on a date should be a two-way thing.. if my date fails to communicate with me suitably after an hour or so of being out with them, they immediately get a mental rejection (shy people are given an hour to loosen up.. beyond that they get no preferential treatment over other people). Try as I may to find something.. there is nothing worse than awkward silences during a date. I’m gonna be honest here.. I tend to foster the awkward silences occasionally.. and wait to see if my date is capable of filling the silence.. it’s almost like a test for me.

Suffice to say my latest date passed my first date tests with flying colours. I met up with English outside one of the Hospitals (within the Trust) I work for, as he works right across the road, off the embankment area nearby. My first impression of him was ‘FUCK’. Seriously he was soooo serious looking. We then headed towards Leicester Square and made ourselves comfortable on the wet grass. OK truth here is English made himself comfortable and I made myself pretty uncomfortable.. but after a while I stopped worrying about the wet patch that had worked its way through my trousers, into my boxing shorts and started to give me a clammy bottom (just for clarity this was not easy), its times like this I realise just how image conscious I am. Anyways, after a while, English lightened down fairly fast, so he kept my attention longer than I expected him to. When the security geezer came and chased us off the grass we moved onto the stone stab nearby chasing the little ray of sunshine that lingered over the tall buildings surrounding the square.

It was nice talking to him. We acquainted each other with some details of ours lives, we joked and teased each other. For some reason he thought I was a slutty guy. I’m not sure he believed me when I told him his bed post has more knocks than mine, which boils down to my aversion of casual sex and one-night-stands.

I’m not sure how long we sat there, but when it felt like the sun was starting to set, we moved onto a quest to find somewhere to eat. We’d kinda agreed on Nandos earlier so we toddled over to Firth Street, where I was pretty certain there was one. But since I usually place reliance on X whilst I’m in Central (more often than not), when I arrived on Firth Street I thought maybe I was wrong. A very quick call to X clarified my position and within a few seconds Nandos was located. OK I know ringing X was kinda not appropriate on a first date but hell it was the easiest way to solve the problem at hand.

Having ‘cuisined’ at such a posh establishment we walked several miles in circles in a quest for both air and somewhere to have a drink.. but everywhere seemed heaving and we decided as a last resort to frequent G.A.Y Late. There was entertainment to be had when one of the guys there seemed to think he was right out of Riverdance. Watching him was very entertaining, you can’t help but laugh when you see someone who thinks he is a good dancer but really isn’t. Hell I do admire his balls for dancing without a care in the world though. There was a guy literally fornicating with another guy right in front of where we were sat (shortly afterwards it will be a pot kinda calling kettle black situation but oh well it is as it is). I’m a big fan of creature comforts and man do I like to get comfy. He might have been a date but well there is nothing more comfortable then being pressed against another guy, so whilst we were seated I was sat leaning into English, with my right shoulder firmly resting against his left shoulder, and my right leg draped over his left leg. What to say.. I had made myself comfortable.. and comfortable it (err maybe ‘he’ is more applicable) was. Fornicating guy for some strange reason decided that we made a cute couple and decided to take photographs of us in said position. I swear this was a complete stranger. Obviously I didn’t have the heart to tell him we were merely on our first date. Actually in hindsight.. the proximity and positioning of my body in relation to his was not really akin to one who was on his first date. It’s nice to know even this early I am that comfortable with him. There are guys I’ve been on dates with, that I’ve not had more contact with than a handshake.

Now I know I’m a fairly forward creature but I NEVER kiss a guy first. I’ll let the other party know I’ll be recipient but will never make the first move. This situation was no different. Although for a little while I think he was possibly doing the same thing. Our positioning allowed our faces to be fairly close to each other, and well for each minute that went by I was staring into his eyes for at least 40 seconds. It was cute. At one point he leaned in and I thought that’s it.. he is gonna kiss me. I braced myself but he did the cutest thing ever instead. He rubbed his nose against mine. It was gentle and it was playful and he definitely earned himself a brownie point for surprising me. The kiss came a short while later. It was hot and sweaty and I could taste his salty sweat all the while, he pressed all the right buttons (he kissed my neck – I can’t resist that) and immediately I felt like the Lion within rear its head and roar and autopilot kicked in and English had to remind me that we were in a public place & the club was not the most appropriate for such behaviour, which was a good thing as I had started to strip him. He was kinda lucky he was wearing jeans and it was difficult to get his cock out. Public place or not.. when I’m turned on.. I’m an animal. Trust me.. the last person that turned me on got a bruise on his neck. Time continued onwards but straddled as English was by me, with his hand in my trousers caressing my cock.. I was in no specific hurry to leave.

However, that said as I had work the next morning, and as it approached 2AM I felt the need to call it a night. Reluctantly and I stress reluctantly I told English I wanted to leave! For some strange reason.. and I’m not sure why.. English felt the need to text me (and not just say it out loud) the following: “You can stay at mine if you need. I’ll jump on the sofa while you have the bed. Just shower and commute in the morning x”.

Damn what a conflict that created in my head. I really really wanted to go.. but the little voice that warns me against these things resisted. I told him I’d think about it as we walked towards Piccadilly Circus. I needed to pee so we headed to Soho and the open street urinals on the street outside The Village. Having relieved myself, I found English who presented me with a rose. It was so like a scene out of a movie. I have no idea where or how he got it in the minute he left my sight. Decision made I told him I would stay at his place.. even though I knew that the commute to work from his would be really shite the next morning. Waiting at the bus stop I think the conflict playing within me might have been evident but finally the voice won me over and I decided that for tonight it would be best to head home. Being the sweet guy that he is, he offered to walk me to my bus stop, and I totally cringed that he willingly missed his bus to ensure I had both company whilst I waited and that I was safely on the bus. How does one thank someone for such sweet and compassionate behaviour? Finally the bus arrived and I gave him a hug and kiss to say goodnight. All the whilst, riding that stupid bus I regretted not heading to his place with him. But I think I did the right thing considering I had work a mere few hours later.

And thus ended my first date with English.

Now whilst I don’t think its love at first sight.. I really did enjoy his company and look forward to getting to know him better.. I think I might be onto a sane one here. He seems to have the qualities I rank pretty high in my essential list:
1. a decent personality
2. a decent personality (this had double importance)
3. the ability to make me laugh and keep me entertained
4. the ability to converse and not bore me
5. charms and looks

The only downside is he doesn’t have any tattoos.. but oh well.. it doesn’t mean I can’t brand him with one at some point down the line (“,)

On a side note, since this post is starting to be all English English English and we can’t have that.. I met Rebel on Thursday. Absolutely loved meeting him. Just as he was starting to puzzle out the complication that is my life.. guess who we bumped into? None other than The Potato! Normally Potato is very shy and I have to force conversation out of him, but instead he talked and talked and talked. Rebel might not appreciate me saying this out loud but Rebel agreed that Potato is ‘very likeable’.. he is cute and charming and is the sweetest guy alive. OK he hates me calling him sweet so I’m not stressing that. Potato was off to see a movie and invited me and Rebel along.. but alas I couldn’t go. We parted ways and shortly after bumped into his friend and him on their way to the cinema. I though he might be able to direct me to an ASK or something. His friend was very helpful but the nearest ASK was some distance away. Rebel and I made each a bit of a challenge when we both disagreed whether or not Potato’s friend was gay or straight. Rebel said straight and I said gay. Unsurprisingly when I asked Potato he informed me that his mate was indeed gay. This is the point where I would point at Rebel and say ‘I TOLD YOU SO’.

Potato went further and stated the following: “My friend thought you are good-looking”.. to which I resisted the urge to respond with “I thought your friend was good-looking too”. FYI: he was most definitely good-looking but I didn’t even catch the poor geezer’s name.

Since then Potato has been texting me loads. I find I enjoy this rather much. The other day I clocked about 50 messages.

OK this post is getting far too long now so I’m sign off now.

English & The Princesses**

This is one of them posts.. you post knowing you should edit as you write but don’t.. coz you don’t want to limit what you write. Damn its not cool when you blog about someone that reads your blog. Apologies English.. this post is mostly about you.

I wish when someone asked me a simple and direct question .. that I would have the balls required to answer it just as simply and directly as it was asked. Without adding layers of intrigue to the answer.

Cue: Enter English *

English asked me one such a question yesterday evening that I felt slightly defensive and went all anal with the way I answered (only with hindsight I might add). I think with my high spirits that fair evening it was more reflex than anything else.

The question English asked - Do you believe in love?

Now in hindsight.. it was a yes or no answer kind of question? I see that now but my answer at the time seemed more suited to a different question.

It did however make me think of many things from the past.. that tend to get misplaced in the recesses of one’s mind. Love gone by, love that never happened, love that could have been, unrequited love, etc.

Oh before I forget.. I believe I responded with “people mistake infatuation with love”. Which whilst true.. didn’t really answer the question he asked.

Oh and as a side note he called me condescending in the sweetest light hearted of ways. I think he has me mapped down rather well.

Hmmm not sure what else to say on this at the moment... I asked him to join me for dinner this Thursday (since that was the only day I was free this week) but alas he asked me to do Friday. Thankfully I was able to talk my way out of my original plans and reschedule it.

Moving on.

The Bank Holiday was really good. Not sure where it went to be honest. It was my niece’s birthday on Friday but with work, nursery and stuff.. we left celebrating it until Saturday. When we cut a cake and opened presents and stuff. Sunday essentially my brother and I spent the day painting and decorating her room. When she was younger she went through an obsession with Winnie The Pooh, now that’s kinda moved on towards Snow White and the Disney Princesses. So whilst her original room was yellow (for Winnie), the new design is pink. I’m so damn proud of how well it turned out I’ve attached a video recording of it. Yes I think this will be the first time I’ve ever attached my own video and the first time my voice will feature on my blog (yes I talk during the video coz my niece asks me a question.. FYI: I did not originally intend to). And finally Monday was spent taking my niece to the local park and chauffeuring my mum and aunt to a couple of places. All in all it was a beautiful relaxing long weekend.



I was a bit bummed out Monday evening when I realised that English has invited me to a BBQ that I couldn’t make, and even when another mate texted me to say I was sorely missed at his do that evening and everyone was asking where I was.

I had originally intended to arrive home early with the intent of going to bed at a decent hour, but then the Celeb that I mentioned before here (the one that has X wrapped around his finger) rang me and demanded that I should come out and see his new car. Kinda bored and looking for company I agreed. Got home checked mail and spoke to English on MSN (yes it’s quite an achievement to find me on MSN nowadays). Finally come 10.30PM I jumped in the new car with the Celeb and he took me for a ride into Central London and as usual flirted so outrageously with me that it took all my resistance to not show how many buttons he was pressing. We stepped outside of the car near Tower Bridge and walked for a bit. I got annoyed after the 5th or 6th person asked him for his autograph. When he noticed this he wisely suggested we go back to his car and we drove back, with him continuing his flirty mannerisms. X has warned me away from him on many occasions, as have many other mutual friends, but maybe it’s just me trying to find the good in everyone that I don’t see him as the villain everyone else seems to see. Rather I see a person whose own fame has cornered him and will never relent as far as his sexuality goes and that actually makes me feel sorry for him. He is a gay man trapped in a straight lifestyle that would destroy his career if he came out.

Ironically X texted me at 1AM (10 minutes after I got in) and the following conversation ensued...

X: Be careful he’ll try to screw you. I don’t wanna loose you like I lost ******, you mean more to me. I knew he was gonna call you tonight. I’m not even kidding.

Me: I recall the whole ****** thing. And I’m well aware of his MO. I seriously doubt he could come between us. So don’t worry Donut you mean plenty to me too, and I won’t let him mess that up.

X: Its not you I don’t trust it’s him. He isn’t happy right now with me pulling back, and I’m just worried he’ll put you in an awkward position. It’s a scary thought that I might lose you and I just can’t deal with that. Anyways good night. I’m sorry to bother you. Nite x

I really don’t know why I do this to myself.

* I fear English may not have realised the life of a blogger means many things get posted minus personal details like names, etc.

** The alternative title of this post is - Riding In Cars With Celebs.

Alpha-Male-Bets

How very interesting.

I’m being pursued by three guys. This was two until a few days ago.

With all things considered I have happily slotted S into a friends category (I’m not sure he knows this) coz he rang me earlier today and flirted most outrageously with me on the phone. He even hinted that Cumberland Hotel was only a stone throw away from where I work and we could and I quote “go there and have some adult fun”… most interesting from someone who doesn’t consider himself gay for half of the year. Ty I think you’re ‘eh’ just about sums up what I think of this. Still one doesn’t completely throw aside a fit guy wanting to get into your pants.

Then there is V who I haven’t mentioned yet. Yes.. Rebel is right.. my life has become akin to an alphabetical maze. V is too shy to say he likes me, and too shy to ask me out. Which is just as well.. coz there is like zip romantic attraction there. He has on the flip side invited me out a couple of times when he has been in Soho. He is the most unlikely person who’d tell you they were gay. When I first saw him I was taken aback.. “YOU GAY. NO WAY!”

Finally there is Potato (well the nickname I’ve given him is in Hindi and translates to Potato in English), and I only call him this coz it’s a play on his name and sounds kinda sweet. This guy is nice, not the best looking guy in the whole but in the strangest way somehow has caused me to fancy him ever so slightly. Which is a huge step-up from my first impression of him… when he looked completely doped out and when I held out my hand to shake his.. I was grossed out coz his hand was moist and it kinda felt like I had touched slime. Eeeek. So he is definitely making progress as far as I'm concerned. But annoying Mr Potato is also very shy and if things were to escalate.. they would very likely be initiated by me. Seriously guys.. if you like someone.. tell them.. flirt with them.. shy is so boring and so 1990s. Grow balls already.

And moi? I’m pursuing zero guys at the moment.

This does not mean I’m not seeing anyone.. just not pursuing anyone. I have two pending dates. Proper dates.

I had to cancel one coz I was feeling very ugly without contacts last week (I have another one of those imfamous eye infections) and I’m very self-conscious when I’m wearing specs despite everyone telling me I look intellectual, brooding and sexy. Anyways about the guy he is so the complete opposite to any guy I’ve ever been out with. I think he is gonna bore me to death, after I asked him out and arranged a date, we got talking and I’ve never been that bored in a conversation ever. But he still gets one more chance. So not sure this has any potential.

And the other one is less date more sex crazed loon wanting to get into my pants.. seriously the guy wouldn’t take no for an answer when I turned his date request down. I must admit I do admire that trait so after about ten minutes (yes he persistently asked me out for ten minutes straight).. so I said yes. Date to be confirmed but he got my number. Amusingly, he took my phone, rang his number from it, stored his number as 'sexy guy' in my phone and then traced my number on his and miss-called me.. before he left. Whilst I don't like him at all, or think there is any potential.. I do like his style.

I’m sure someone will ask how X fits into this.. well X is totally exempt of all this drama.. him and I have the world’s weirdest relationship ever. We’re like boyfriends without the sex, drama or emotional attachment. It’s weirdly perfect... plus he is starting to feel very much like my best-friend and less potential-boyfriend material.. and to be honest I've been trying to set him up with a mutual friend.

Tagged by Rebel

I don't post often.. and then I post twice in a day.

Thanks to Rebel, I've been tagged. I must admit.. its been a while since my last tag.. and its just as annoying as I recall it being. LOL.

So HOW DOES IT WORK: Well come up with a song that aptly describes the situations detailed.. it has to relate to YOUR life.

Here goes:

Opening credits: What I Am (Eminem)

Waking up: Feed Your Mind (Oakenfold featuring Spitfire)

Average day: You Gotta Be (Des’ree)

First date: Stop Falling (Pink)

Falling in love: I knew I loved You (Savage Garden)

Love scene: My Love (Kele Le Roc)

Fight scene: Murder On The Dancefloor (Sophie Ellis-Bextor)

Breaking up: Piece By Piece (Katie Melua)

Getting back together: Unbreak My Heart (Toni Braxton)

Secret love: Should’ve Never (Jennifer Lopez)

Life's okay: With Arms Wide Open (Creed)

Mental breakdown: Tourniquet (Evanescence)

Driving: Damn Girl (Justin Timberlake)

Learning a lesson: I Learnt From The Best (Whitney Houston)

Deep thought: Guess I Was A Fool (Another Level)

Flashback: Two Beds & A Coffee Machine (Savage Garden)

Partying: Sway (Shaft)

Happy dance: Umbrella (Rihanna)

Regretting: So Sick (Ne-Yo)

Long night alone: Transatlanticism (Death Cab For Cutie)

Death scene: Gotta Go (Trey Songz)

Closing credits: Home (Michael Buble)

Now thats done.. who to tag?

For now I'm not gonna tag anyone.. but this may change in time.

Although that said.. anyone who reads this post should automatically consider themselves tagged.. yeah I think that reads better. EVERYONE IS TAGGED

[SSD laughs evilly]

S

Introducing: S

Grit. That’s something I really admire.

So when someone has the balls to give me their number.. I’m impressed and they get mucho brownie points.

Take S for instance.

S sends me a message and I quote “fuck you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sexyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I mean it.” – PLUS 10 POINTS

S gave me his number – PLUS 20 POINTS

A week later I ring him. S has no idea who the hell I am – MINUS 20 POINTS

We establish who I am.

S says he’s shy – MINUS 1 POINT (for being shy) and PLUS 1 POINT (for being so honest)

We speak on the phone for an hour in the evening three nights in a row. We decided to hold out going out for a few weeks coz we both have so much happening in our lives right now.

Next day.

S texts me: “Fancy a drink? Kwik lemi know. On train cud met at XXXXXXXXX”

Me: “What happened to waiting till later?” (FYI: his idea)

S texts me back (30 seconds later): "Ya. Let's leave it to afta. Thx" – MINUS 20 POINTS

WHAT THE FUCK?

Not that I could have gone.. I had plans with someone else. BUT still WTF. Did I say NO.. did I say let's leave it to later. Jeez.

SSD is seriously pissed off.

First I have to remind him who I am. Not good.
Then I have to put up with him being shy. Not good either.
But says he likes it when someone plays hard to get. Indifferent (I don’t play hard to get.. I just AM hard to get. LOL)
Has one hellava sexy voice. Really good.
Is older than me by a year. Good.
Then tells me he isn’t out, isn’t scene & is isn’t open about his sexuality. Not particularly good (but I understand)
Rings me during Apprentice. NOT GOOD. (this is the only time I watch TV all week)
Seems very curious about every detail in my life. Good.
Seems to hold back when I ask him about himself. Not good.
Changes his mind about going for a drink in less than 60 seconds. Really not good.
Doesn’t text me every free second, of every minute of every day. Really good.

When I ask him if he is SPONTANEOUS or INDECISIVE.. he says the former.. whilst I think the latter.

For those maths-challenged individuals. That equates to MINUS 10 POINTS todate.

Inner Shades of Blue

When life is good, life is really good.

And then, when its not, it’s really not!

I have had an amazing last few months. It’s been a rollercoaster, chain of events. Truth is I’ve barely had time to stop for a breather.

The crest of it all was the results of my final exams, and since then it’s almost like things have been getting better and better. There was a moment when my fears and doubts crept into me and I began to drown in the abyss of anxiety. Finally when work fell into place, more or less so, the rest of my little existence, almost in response, also fell into place. It was almost as if I awoken from a slumber. I cannot stress how much I love my current job. It’s such a huge learning curve. And up until recently in my life, I have felt so much of my life has been theory-like, and there has not been enough practicality, and now, a welcome change, it’s almost like there is a shift in all aspects of my life, towards it become more real, more gritty, more physical, more tangible.

And things have been great since.

I have some truly amazing, incredible and interesting people in my life. Whether it is people from work, social circles, new friends, old friends, fellow bloggers, family, or even akin to family. I have everything to be grateful for, and so little to complain about.

Yet, it wasn’t until earlier this week, that when I looked around at other people. Seeing people's love. Their happiness. Their successes. Their security. Their direction. Their resolve. Their confidence. Their passion. It was then that I thought that perhaps things weren't so great.

I felt that perhaps I was missing something. Perhaps things aren’t as perfect as they appear to be.

One of the main influences in my life is other people. It’s the pivotal point of everything in my life. I'm only happy with my personal qualities provided that they are noticeable, & admirable by others. My accomplishments are only significant if they stack up well against those of others. It drives me forwards, and it burns at me. I like to think that I don’t care what others think, but I do, that’s the underlying truth. That’s why I love and hate my sexuality. It drives me forward, I aim to be better than a stereotype, and yet it burns at me when things recoil away from me, or my sexuality is used against me.

But the essence of the matter is at some point I have to be happy with where I am, what I’m doing, how I am, ignoring the influences of others. Whilst the metric for measuring my own accomplishments really can be influenced & graded in relation to other people, it should never be dictated by it. I have to learn that, embrace that, wear that like a badge. I have to dwell on what is good for me, what is best for me, and if it is it should be enough.

And of course, it is impossible that I’ll wake up tomorrow having embraced this, since so much of my confidence is caught up in how other people view me.

I sometimes feel that whilst I display an air of confidence in my every action, I have found that confidence is not skin-deep. It's all about how I fit in relation with other people, and me, I get lost in that.

It’s almost like.. every aspect of my personality, my being, my spirit, is split in two and I love & hate every nuance of myself. It’s as simple and as complex as that.

How is that for inner analysis?

OK so on that happy note.. here is me looking rather dapper in my shiny silver suit.



Bear in mind. I'm totally smashed by this point. I've had 3 tequila shots, 3 cocktails and drunk no longer does what I am any justice.

Updating!

Dunno what to blog.

Probably coz I got no time right now.

Yesterday I went to see Step Up 2 – The Streets.. was so incredible. I held my breath so many times during the dance sequences. The words ‘holey fucking amazing’ barely do it justice.

I have dinner plans in less than 10 minutes, so will be rushing out in less than 30 seconds after I hit publish post.

Tomorrow is the Pass Mag Party at Paper, in Piccadilly Circus. So I’m headed there straight after work. Sweaty, hot and tired but looking rather dashing (possibly even dapper) in my new silver shiny suit!

And Friday I have a work outing. We’re going for dinner and then dancing. Yay.

So fellow bloggers I’ll be absent for a while still coz as a social network, eBlogger is barred (and so I can’t access it) at work.

This is why I’m trailing behind in reading y’alls blogs. I do one or two whilst having breakfast first thing in the morning.

Catch y’all soon.

Mwah xXx

Saturday Night Disco With A Former Fuck Buddy

OK so I think an update on Saturday night is definitely due.

I met X for 8ish, outside his work place. We prowled Soho for a while and ended up in Prowler as X wanted to show me a pair of AussieBum briefs. He bought them when I said I liked them. Totally made me think of Monty, for two reasons coz the last time I was in Prowler was with him and well surely the word Aussie doesn’t really need to be explained.

We caught up with each other’s respective lives and afterwards we met the fuck-buddy. I’m so evil. I totally turned the tables on X and made a very specific effort to wind up the ex-fuck buddy. When I put my mind to it I have an inane ability to really (and I do mean REALLY) get on someone’s nerves. I’m half proud (& half disappointed at myself) that the plan worked. Although, that said, as the evening went by.. I think I may have started to grow on him.

The ex-fuck buddy wasn’t quite what I was expecting. X had made him out to be kinda average looking so I was a bit shocked coz he was a little hottie. In a very subtle way though! Kind of like you’d have to focus on him to notice. But he was far too serious! But that was the best thing.. it gave me the perfect ammo to aim and destroy him with [SSD laughs evilly]… every few minutes I was like “dude smile” and I could see it was winding him up nicely.

Moving on.

In typical fashion we got to the club and lo and behold the only guy that caught my eye at the gay club was straight. Yes I know it really doesn’t need to be said. YES YES YES I know I clearly do have a tendency to want what I can’t have. Get over it already. Seriously though, there were about 50 gay guys there and I’m attracted to one of the only straight ones. Grrrrrr. Yes blunt SSD was very forward and the following convo ensued:

Me: Bruv, tell me are you straight?
Him: Ya.
Me: Damn! You sure? *smiling*
Him: Pretty certain.. there’s my girl *smiles a killer smile* [at her AND not me]
Me: So what you doing at a gay club? Not at all bi-curious are you?
Him. *laughs nervously* Err.. no.
Me: Hey I’m just fucking about. I thought you were straight, but I just wanted confirmation. So what you doing here straight guy?
Him: It’s my mate’s birthday. [He points at a very gay guy in a lip-lock with another guy].
Me: Sweet. I’ll let you get back to it then. Remember me.. if you get bi-curious at all.

X was a bit surprised when I approached the guy and how easily I joked with him. I had been banging on about the cute straight guy for a while trying to decide if he was straight or not.. I think maybe he hasn’t realised just how forward I can be.

A short while later, totally bored of the music I sat down. We were all dancing right next to a settee, so I’m like still right next to them all. X moves closer, within my arms length and I pull him down onto my lap. His back is so, that he can lean back on me if he so wants. Now he sits there for a few seconds and then starts wiggling his bottom to the music. He is balanced right over my cock and right leg, thankfully his weight is predominantly on my right thigh.
I whisper in his ear ‘careful or you’ll give me a hard-on’. He wiggles harder, and as I knew, the wiggling makes the hard on rage into action. I don’t know if he could feel it or not, positioned as we were. After a while he gets up. He looks back and I get up too.

Half an hour passes with us dancing. After a bit I watch silently, moving towards a little barrier, and stop dancing, but still facing them. I walk as he grinds up against the friend of the friend who I had invite him. I’m slightly uncomfortable with this, coz I see friend of a friend’s hands on X’s backside. But I’m not really bothered by it all, after all I grind up against friends I’m dancing with quite often. After the song changes they disengage.

We all carry on dancing. And I go in for the kill. I move slowly, press myself against him, and when finally I bring myself against X I let my hands run across his body. Nothing holds me back. I embrace him with my arms around his neck. I allow my hands to roam on his ass, I even press the palm of my hand against his upper chest from behind. If dancing can ever be called dirty, this is as close as it gets without becoming x-rated. There is nothing I didn’t caress. I even grinded from behind with my hands in his pockets, with my fingers stroking the soft skin between the crotch and thigh from inside his pocket. I’m curious and so I press my leg against his crotch. I want to know if I have him turned on. I’m pleased to discover I’ve hit the target. He is definitely hard, there is no doubt about it but it takes me a while to find it. I mentally note that he isn’t huge in that department, but he more than makes up for that in looks. Once I’ve had enough of pressing against his cock, I realign myself so that his thigh is tucked in-between my legs. There is no shred of a doubt that he didn’t feel my hard-on. I can feel the contact it makes. I realise for the first time that I’m actually slightly taller than him. His face turns sideways, and I resist the urge to straighten his face, look into his eyes and kiss him. Whilst his body language is speaking volumes, I know he wouldn’t be comfortable if I kissed him here in front of everyone. But I wanted to kiss him, there and then, and if I didn’t then I definitely wanted him to know that. So after we’ve disengaged I tell him as if I’m making the most insignificant comment, that I almost kissed him. Maybe it’s the way I tell him, like I’m discussing something unimportant, but he says nothing. His silence makes me wonder if that was a good thing to say or not, but I’ve not yet decided if I regret saying it.

But one thing is clear in my head now. I think its finally time we stopped playing games. We both flirt outrageously with each other but neither is willing to make the first move and instead appear to be skirting around the subject. We even discussed asking each other out over the course of the evening with his ex fuck-buddy listening. We also discussed the perks he might gain if we were boyfriends. When I stated that I really want to go to New York, he suggested I pay for his ticket so we could both go together.. I responded with ‘For what. That kind of perk is reserved for my boyfriend.’ To which he replied with ‘Well that is incentive enough for me.’

See nothing but games. And the only reason I'm willing to carry on playing... is that I have yet to decide what I want.

Elephants, Rooms & Well Being Pooped On Too

I just don’t get it.

I really really really just don’t get it.

Arrrggghhhh.

Before I go into it.. I have a comment to make for Madgal. You sure I don’t know you? When someone feels the need to highlight that I don’t know them.. alarms start ringing. And the voice in my head says THEY DEFINITELY KNOW YOU so you likely know them. Just a thought I thought I’d leave you with. LOL. I’m glad you find my blog likeable. I find your comments likeable too.

Anyways moving on. Now where was I? Oh yeah.

Arrrggghhhh.

Damn X.

For those that don’t know.. X is 19 thus falls firmly in that ‘under 21 cute guys’ category I was banging on about the other day. As do many others, but seriously people.. what do I look like a pedo? NO BS, no no no no no, no 13 year olds. 16 is my limit for being attracted to.. and I'd say 20 would be my limit for touching.. possibly X maybe an exception, but he is ALMOST 20, so he's a kinda grey area.

Anyways, so a friend of a friend invites me out coming Saturday night to go clubbing with them, to a event called Spice, which as far as I understand is part of a club known as Club Urban Desi.. which caters for gay Asians. So happily I said yes. Who am I to turn down a night of gay clubbing?

Anyways, so X is gonna come too. He also knows this friend of a friend, not as well as I mind but still, so I suggested he ask him along. X says yes. GREAT NEWS. I was hoping for some time along with X to see if we can deal with the now increasingly evident and noticeable elephant in the room.

And lo and behold, today he texts me (after I text him first) to tell me he has invited an ex-fuck buddy along. THIS IS FUCKING SHIT NEWS. With all due respect to him, as far as I know they aren’t fucking now but still what was he thinking bringing him out clubbing with me around.

I’m so pissed. I know this idiot he is gonna bring with him (not personally but I know all about him).. and he is gonna do nothing but trail around X the whole evening. And its going to infuriate the shit out of me, possibly coz I was hoping to do just that. Grrrr. I know that he is gonna annoy me even though I have never met him before. Arrrggghhh.. so once again I’ll not be able to speak to him properly and that flipping elephant is gonna stand over me and poop on my head with him and an entire audience watching.

Damn it.. plus I don’t mask jealously well and I fear my green face will clearly show what I’ve been very carefully concealing from him.. that yes I do indeed have feelings for him. But if I’m being honest with myself.. I’m really not yet sure this is anything more than pure lust.

It’s this thoughtlessness and his selfish nature, his hurtful tendencies (to others and not me), his effortless ability to use people and his downright stupidity at times that makes me want to throttle him and stay the fuck away. And yet that damn fucker is so damn cute I could eat him up in a single swallow.

The word weary no longer starts to illustrate how I feel towards him anymore. But when he is around, there isn’t even a stray thought that tells me he isn’t anything but perfect the way he is. What is with that? It's like being a teenager who is obsessed.

So come on.. coz I just don’t get it.. but what does bringing an ex-fuck buddy to a night club with him on Saturday going to prove? What is it that he is trying to say to me? Or am I just reading way too much into this? Coz no matter how I look at it.. its just plain stupid.

Arrrrgggghhhhh