Thursday, January 31, 2008

Winds Of Change

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I have so many things playing on my mind or that I’ve been feeling down recently but I’m finding blogging somewhat annoying. I’ve been blogging nonetheless as I find my blog has unofficially become my way of sorting through my thoughts.

But I’ve never found blogging irritating or thought of it as a nuisance before but that’s a feeling I haven’t been able to shake for a month or so now. I know everyone goes through phases of blogging and not blogging but this just feels different.

One of the main reasons for setting up the blog was to get more accustomed to being gay and I find I’ve already achieved this.. but then I discovered a whole new angle to it.. the fact that you actually make friends via the flipping thing. In a world where no-one is really who or what they say they are.. there are a handful of genuine people out there and finding some of those people alone has made the blog worth creating. I’m not sure I’d change that for the world.

I’m not really sure where this post is heading coz the voice is my head says it sounds like I’m writing a final post.

But honestly I don’t know what this post is.. its just what I feel like right this minute. Like I need to take a step back from this.

I’m not gonna say farewell or anything like that.. I’m just going to say take care of yourselves and I’m sure I’ll be back soon.

Love you all


Haven't done a meme in ages...and I saw this on Monty’s blog. So here goes:

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? I don’t own a car.. I just highjack other people’s car (its much cheaper that way)
2. When was the last time you threw up? Oh Lord.. actually threw up? Probably New Year 2007
3. What age will you be next birthday? 26
4. What's your favourite curse word? FUCK
5. Name 3 people who made you smile today? X, X and X. OK seriously X, Jules & a friend called Theresa
6. What were you doing at 8 a.m. this morning? Thinking thoughts better left unthought of
7. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Texting X (yes I know I need to find something better to occupy my time)
8. Where were you born? Central Middlesex Hospital in Park Royal, Acton
9. Have you ever been to a strip club? No comment
10. What is the last thing you said aloud? “YOU TWAT”
11. What is the best ice cream flavour? Mint Choc Chip
12. What was the last thing you had to drink? Lucozade Orange
13. What are you wearing right now? Nothing (kidding).. Nike tracksuit bottoms and a tee that reads ‘I’M A VIRGIN (this is a very old t-shirt)’.. oh and my glasses
14. What was the last thing you ate? Either a banana or a packet of crisps (I’m not sure which I ate last)
15. Have you bought any new clothes this week? Yeah. 2 skinny fit jeans, 2 tees and 2 pairs of trainers. And I wanna get a belt too
16. Where were you last? Went for a walk
17. What's the last sporting event you watched? The World Cup
18. Who won? LOL.. I can’t remember but it definitely wasn’t England
19. Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on Facebook? The choreographer and lead dancer of the London Palladium show I mentioned last week
20. Ever go camping? Yes when I was much younger (several times in fact)
21. Where do you live? Harrow, London
22. What song are you listening to? Aaja Nachle (one of the songs in the London Palladium show which I haven’t been able to get out of my head since)
23. Do you have a tan? If the colour of my skin is classified as a permanent tan… then YES.. otherwise NO
24. Do you drink your soda from a straw? No
25. What did your last text message say?CRAZY MONKEY”.. I swear that is it word to word.. do I even need to say who it was that texted me that?
26. Who's your best friends? This is very very difficult to answer
27. What are you doing tomorrow? Spending the day with X
28. Where is your mom right now? Probably in the kitchen at her place.. that or chasing my niece around the house
29. Look to your right, what do you see? My writing desk (which I just moved there yesterday)
30. What colour is your watch? Its black but I don’t wear it.. instead it hangs on the towel rail in the bathroom so I know what time it is in there
31. What do you think of when you think of Australia? Mister Benjamin (AKA Monty)
32. Ever ridden on a roller coaster? Hell yeah.. I love roller coasters
33. What is your birthstone? Honestly I don’t know. But a quick search on the Internet reveals it is PERIDOT. Jules I swear you sent me some Peridot some time ago. Did you know that was my birthstone? I bought some the other day as well.. didn't realise.
34. Do you go in at a fast-food place or just hit the drive through? I imagine this would equate to something like McDonalds here.. I don’t McDees anymore. Not since I saw ‘Supersize Me’.. so neither
35. What is your favourite number? The number 2. I recall winning loads of money at the Casino in Barcelona when I selected it during Roulette
36. Do you have a dog? No.. my Aunt hates the idea of having an animal in the house
37. Last person you talked to on the phone? Oh my gosh.. I’m thinking I should have picked another day to do with now. X
38. Have you met anyone famous? Yes, but like Monty I can’t say who all of them are either (one for reasons mentioned in a previous post & others as they are clients). Outta work I’ve met Meera Syal & Nina Wadia (who are huge celebs from a BBC Asian Comedy called Goodness Gracious Me.. the funniest comedy show I have EVER watched)
39. Any plans today? Waiting for a plumber to come and fix my loo. The flushing mechanism is mashed up.
40. How many states have you lived in? Not sure if London counts as a state. So I’ll just say I’ve only ever lived in London
41. Ever go to college? Yes
42. Where are you right now? In between a rock and a hard place
43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? The sheer lack of any kind of simplicity in my life
44. Are you in love with someone right now? Love is a very strong emotion in my book.. so NO… attracted to someone.. YES.. but truth is I don’t do love very well
45. Are you allergic to anything? Dust… well actually its DUSTMITES
46. Favourite pair of shoes? Well the pair I posted a picture of ages ago (the gay-looking ones with the silver chain across the front)
47. Are you jealous of anyone? Jealousy is another emotion I don’t do very well either. I’m envious sometimes but only in a half hearted way and never strong enough to qualify as actual jealousy
48. Is anyone jealous of you? Not that I'm aware of... but on paper and with the numerous barriers I have in place and the fact that I’m always smiling, laughing and upbeat.. it’s possible that I give off an image that might draw jealousy.. so its possible. Funny thing is I mailed Jules the other day and this part of her reply really caught my eye which I think encapsulates rather well what I mean - ".. from your blog, you'd never know you were having that difficult of time at home, babes."
49. Do any of your friends have children? Yes quite a few
50. Do you eat healthy? Yeah sometimes
51. What do you usually do during the day? Right now I’m trying to find a corner of the world to call my own
52. Do you hate anyone right now? I’m with Monty on this.. hate is a very destructive emotion that I also avoid at all costs
53. Do you use the word 'hello' daily? Nah.. I’m a HEY and a HI person
54. Have you ever been to Six Flags? Nope! What is it?
55. How did you get one of your scars (if you have any)? I have more than I would care to discuss right now. I have a particularly noticeable one on my penis from when I was cut. I’ve also got a small one on my cheek from my younger days that also sprang to mind

Monday, January 28, 2008

Skinny Fit Anyone?

I’ve realised that recently all my posts have been about X.. and so I thought for a change I’d blog about something else.. and a specific subject came to mind.. skinny fit jeans (I bought a pair the other day).. but then as I thought about it.. I laughed (out loud.. sadly this sounded more snort than laugh) when I realised that X is so completely the backdrop to this post… so ignore that comment and just go with the flow.

So I was with X the other day.. and we decided to go shopping.. and he coerced me into buying a skinny fitted pair of jeans (read in between the lines there is little actual coercion and a lot of freewill)... now I must admit that I’m likely to be the only gay guy in London that doesn’t have a skinny fitted pair of jeans. X is a big fan of skinny fit jeans and they look really good on him, so I thought why not get a pair for myself.. for guys without bubble-butts they seem to work wonders.

So there we were in Uni-Qlo (Oxford Street) trying on skinny fitted jeans. At one point he literally buckles out of the changing cubicle (I don’t even know how this is possible but he does) and I’m holding my stomach laughing so hard I swear I could barely breath or stand up straight. Anyways he comes out strutting his stuff.. looking very modelesque and I check him out openly. I ask him to turn around and totally size up his ass after he makes the comment ‘I ain’t got no butt’. He laughs when I agree that indeed he has no butt.. he can’t believe I just cruised him so openly in such a public place.. I think he isn’t totally used to me yet.

Finally having drawn as much of my attention as he can take he throws a pair of skinny fitted jeans at me and I go and try them on. I come out and I can’t believe how tight they are around the crotch (in fact they are squished against my balls so much its actually painful) but I gotta admit they do look good when I look in the mirror.

When I ask him how the hell he wears these all the time.. he gives me a look and says ‘Are you saying your balls are bigger than mine?’.. I jokingly answer ‘well if the cap fits’. We burst into laughter and I reiterate I’m not joking and show him just how tight they are. He lifts his eyebrow at me.. I look down and see that well I’m exposing myself slightly as this pair of jeans are well.. err very well fitted (I have so little modesty sometimes it’s shocking.. I'm hoping he didn't notice that exposure)... truth is I’m actually in discomfort here and not purposely exposing myself in front of X. On one hand they look really good on me (coz I ain’t got much of a butt either) and I most distinctly have a butt in these, but on the other they hurt quite a bit.

I lift my top up and show him the fitting around the waist (we were discussing waist sizes earlier)... he shares the same major problem of finding clothes that fit as I do.. we are exactly the same body definition except maybe he is just under an inch taller than I am (cue. denial.. he IS just under an inch taller).. and yet in this moment despite the pain I’ve never been happier I choose to wear my designer boxing shorts (I'm not normally a designer clothes person). Between my treasure trail and CK boxers.. I'm sure I had his attention when I lifted my top for at least a second or two.

So anyways getting to the aim of the post coz I seem to be slipping..

What’s better?

A. A painful & uncomfortable pair of skinny fitting tapered jeans which makes you look good and emphasises the butt cheeks but squeezes the life out of your balls


B. A less flattering comfortable loose fitted (and somewhat baggy) pair of jeans that makes you look like you definitely have no arse and does little to emphasis anything at all (front or back) and doesn’t squeeze the life out of your balls.

Hand’s up.. voting begins now.. what’s better A or B?

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Crumbs Of Crummy Days

Further to my post a week back about feeling down.. I gotta admit that things have not really gotten any better.. in fact they’ve gradually gotten worse.

And then came Friday.. I could not even begin to imagine that someone could feel soo low (esp after Wednesday)... The emotional charge of that day brought me to my knees (metaphorically speaking)...

Wednesday was a God awful day.. and honestly I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite like that before.

I was supposed to met up with someone but I’m soo glad he allowed me to reschedule (thanks mate.. you have no idea how worn I was that day.. I owe you buddy)

BIG NEWS: I’ve now told my mum that I’m gay. I can’t bring myself to blog about that right now in detail. Suffice to say it went much better than it did with my aunt.

I love my mum to bits.. there are three people in my family that I would give my life for.. she is one. But I was slightly taken back by her reaction.. it was almost like she couldn’t care less about what I was trying to tell her and my emotional state that day made the whole encounter really horrid. Gotta admit that kinda hurt and that just made the day even worse for me. But it’s done.. I feel free now. I don’t care who finds out now.

Today I’m feeling somewhat better.. considering all the shit in my life at the moment.

X continues to make me smile. I’m not obsessing.. honest.. I'm pretty clear where I stand in relation to him.. but I already feel somewhat entangled.. damn his good looks, charm and smile.. but I do enjoy having an avenue to direct my excessive flirty behaviour.

He plays games almost as well as I do. The other day he told me that he told a mutual acquaintance that the two of us have been dating for two years now after she asked him out (a couple of days after the London Palladium show)... He is such a twat you can’t help but laugh.

Since he has given me the childish nickname Monkey.. I’ve retaliated with Donut or when I’m being less sarcastic Mr Hot Stuff coz oh my God he is soo vain. Seriously he tagged himself as HOT STUFF on one of his Facebook pictures.. I must admit he was not off the mark for doing so.. he looks soo damn fine in that picture I was awed *sighs* anyways here is a humorous text exchange from the other day when I went out with a friend.. X knew it was a guy.. just a friend regardless of how X makes it out.

X: So what’s happening Monkey.. you two make out yet? :o)

Me: Donut don’t you have anything better to do than harass me when we’re not together. FYI: I don’t think he is the guy I wanna make out with :o( that one hasn’t hit puberty yet so I’m waiting until he does.

X: OMG.. you are soo bait. I know you’re forward but that’s so obvious. I like it…

Me: I’m not the kind of person who acts coy unless I want to Donut. If I like someone I let them know.. I don’t see the point in pretending otherwise…

Obviously he totally got that he was meant to be the prepubescent guy (honestly he isn’t that young) but he knows I am somewhat bothered by the fact that he still is a teenager (thankfully only for a few more months) and thankfully when he turns twenty my lusting after him will feel less paedophilic.

Good weekend people.

Friday, January 25, 2008

The Cookie Crumbles Further

My life has taken on the appearance of a movie.

I spent the entire day today with X… I’ve realised now that I haven’t given him a name, so from this day forth he will be known as X.

We met up in Central London, and did various things. Its almost 1AM and I don’t have the energy to go into details right now. I was shocked when I asked him how old he is.. he is younger than I originally thought.

After soo many hook-ups.. suffice to say I know his entire life almost intimately now. Which is ironic as the more I discover about him.. the more distance builds between us and the closer we get. Sound fucked? It is.

I’ve held back no bars that I fancy him.. and he knows it.. I've played it openly.. I'm sure he feels that chemistry I force onto him. However, the truth of the matter is that he is deeply in love with another and is still to-date intimate with him.

This is where it gets really fucked up. Today was about meeting up with X in order to spend time together, which we did, but not only did we do that but rather I ended up accompanying him to the cinema with & then to the house of the love of his life and it wasn’t even slightly awkward.

Issue one I like the guy (X’s lover) despite thinking I wouldn’t.
Issue two is the guy is a celebrity that is NEVER likely to come out or have anything more than a simple sexual relationship with X.
Issue three is I feel X will never be able to emotionally disconnect from this guy. It pains me to say this but that's my opinion.. and if he is to prove otherwise.. he has a long way to go.
Issue four is I sympathise with the whole situation as fucked up as it is from both X’s and the guy’s point of view.
Issue five is how little this bothers me and that despite it all I fancy him no less.

When X told me about the guy.. I must admit I viewed him as the villain more or less immediately.

But now that I know and have met him.. I totally relate to the guy’s own dilemma and X’s residual emotional entanglement.

When someone said NOTHING IS BLACK OR WHITE.. they sure as hell weren’t lying.

And worst of all is this is starting to remind me of a certain someone that well gave SSD one hell of a rollercoaster ride last year. The resemblance is uncanny and the irony of it is not wasted on me in the slightest. I should eject whilst I still have a chance.. before I go down with the plane... but maybe I can pull up in time (cue kidding myself)

PS - The private event is not quite as private as everyone seems to be assuming rather just of a personal nature to X.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

How The Cookie Crumbles

Imagine a snow peaked mountain, imagine a tiny human figure at the top, so small in relation to the mountain, that even up close you can barely see this human. But as you get even closer, you see this human is male, and is wearing skis on his feet. Imagine now a massive gush of wind and the momentum forces him forward at lighting speed. He isn’t sure how to ski but here he is moving faster and faster, tumbling towards well he doesn’t know.. Picture that.. and you’ll have a pretty good understanding of how I feel right now.

Annoyingly it was raining rather heavily on Monday (the day we agreed to meet), so rather less annoyingly he suggested I drop by his house. For someone kinda shy and reserved this was a little surprising but I’m not one to shy away from getting to know someone in a setting where they are most likely comfortable.

The first thing I noticed was his rather sexy Calvin Klein boxers drying out in the hallway. I thought that was kinda sweet. He was obviously home alone and invited me up to his bedroom. I acquiesced. Just for those dirty minded individuals this story has no sordid parts to it. We spoke at great length. I must admit I did the first few conversations, but then I think he lightened up and was more vocal. A lot more. When given an opportunity he can talk as much as I can.

I ripped him apart coz he was wearing pyjamas.. he claimed they were lounge bottoms from Zara (he is miles more fashionable than me… which considering he is doing a fashion degree is hardly surprising)

After a couple of hours we moved into the living room. He switched the TV on, but neither paid the slightest attention to it. He asked me if I wanted something to drink, so I said water would be fine. A short while later I found about that he had a cat and since I love cats I got acquainted with it.

I’m not sure how but he totally tripped over the glass of water and broke the glass in the process and spilt water everywhere. I helped him clean it up and we sat back down. At about 5PM his brother walked in and must admit I quite liked him (I’d love to have a younger brother)... but he is the nosiest little guy though. I was surpised but he happily sat and spoke to us (he is quite young so I imagined he would have ran into his bedroom the first opportunity he got). He had a look in his eye when we said we only met yesterday. After a while (almost an hour later) his mum walked in.. Damn it I met this guy the day before, spent a day at his house and already met his entire family (and like them all too). After 20 minutes they both disappeared and we were left alone again.

I must admit I could see he slightly held back so I made sure I kept just enough distance from our bodies. I sat away from him until he beckoned me over to his side.. normally I press against a shoulder or something but today I choose not to and kept the flirting to a minimum (holey hell this was very hard). The conversation turned to tattoos and well I pressed a little closer (well you know how tattoos effect me.. it was to be expected) he brought down a book and we flicked through it with our shoulders pressed against each other, and me totally invading his personal space, somehow my arm found its way to rest across his leg. Whilst this might sound sexual, it wasn’t really meant to be sexual but rather it just felt very comfortable. I'm such a tart.. he didn't shift out of the way or anything so well I just sayed put. His brother walked in at during this (I think) to ask for help with his homework, but his brother didn’t flinch nor did either one of us move. He left after a few minutes.

Now this guy is very religious and when I told him I didn’t believe in God I don’t think he realised that didn’t mean I know nothing about our religion, but rather just that I don’t believe. I think the cutting point for him was when attention was turned to Hare Krishna Mandir (Bhaktivedanta Manor) and he asked me if I knew what the idols in the temple were called. He was shocked I knew. I’ve never even considered God a part of my life even once for the past 8 years, yet in a single evening this guy made me question why. I’m certain if I hang around with him enough, he will undoubtedly be my path back to believing in God. I'm not sure I want to go there.

I couldn’t believe I had been at his house for so long (by now it was nearing 8PM), and finally I decided that I really should be headed home and told him I was going. But I swear I did not want to go. That’s twice now having been in his company. At that point we moved into his kitchen as he prepared his evening meal (damn he cooks as well). He dropped a jar of pasta sauce from the fridge. I laughed and helped him clear up again. His mum walked into the kitchen and saw the broken jar and glass (which I had left next to his kitchen sink). His mum is sweet and funny, she said ‘that’s ***** for you’. He totally blamed me and made the fatal comment ‘you’re making me nervous.’ I don't think he recalls making that comment.

Less than ten minutes later he dropped another jar but this time it didn’t break. He looked at me and said ‘don’t you dare!’ It took all my resistance to stay quiet. I ended up staying half an hour after that. I hugged him on the way out. It took all my will to get into the car and drive off. I was soo tempted to go back but by this time I had been there close to the whole day and it was pretty late by now.

We texted each other for a while afterwards:

Me: OK since I already have a bad MO.. I’m gonna be honest. I was tempted to see if (& when) you’d text me first. But then I changed my mind. I’m glad I came over, but I can’t believe that considering you were a complete stranger just yesterday that I spent so much time at your house, and that I didn’t want to leave. It was cute watching you be nervous, couldn’t imagine why you were though. Enjoy dinner.

Him: I was not nervous just wasn’t concentrating with you there. I think I bored you but you were just being polite. So am I still a stranger?

Me: Would I have stayed as long as I did if I were bored? I would have happily stayed till you threw me out… was pissed I had to go.. did you not sense that. Hell I said I was leaving an hour before I did. You’ll have to cook for me sometime – I look forward to it. Now its my turn to say we’ll have to do it again soon.. and I’ll leave it up to you to suggest a date and place.

Him: LOL. OK Mr Blunt will try and fit you into my busy schedule for sure. I enjoyed your company. Have you had dinner? Am stuffed now and tired.

The rest of the conversation was kinda pointless.

But this afternoon he facebooked me the following message after he added me as a friend:

"thought u wud have added me by now not impressed... seems like i gta do all the work x"

So me being a proper butt-wipe sent the following message back.

“Monkey? I’m not sure I want to add you now”

Well I gotta admit I’m liking the nickname. And I did add him. I'm trying to resist commenting on his pictures right about now.. I'm gonna wait to see if he comments on at least one of mine first. Oh the games we play. Oh I might give in and comment on at least one.

PS – He has invited to his performances on Sun 17th Feb & Sat 23rd Feb and I’ve told him I’ll go. I’m also gonna accompany him on the Fri 1st Feb when he has something personal to attend to.

Apologies for the long post.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Damn It. Damn It To High Heaven

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it to high heaven.

What is with fancying the wrong guy at the wrong time?

In typical fashion my youngest aunt had a performance for her academy this weekend, but rather than an average Joe kind of performance this at was the London Palladium.

So this needed to be a rather kick-ass kind of performance, you don’t do an okay performance at the Palladium.. you do spectacular. In fact I swear every time I’m involved with one of her performances I notice them getting better and better, and I’m not just saying that coz she is my aunt but rather coz it’s the truth. This was no different. I swear I was totally blown away. She asked me to take part but I was far too busy with my niece’s primary school place assessment (the results are our later this week) and so declined but I did say I’d help on the day.

She asked me to drop by one of the rehearsals on Friday so I’d know what was going to happen and I did. It wasn’t a dress rehearsal, and everyone was in normal exercise clothes. Now there were 6 older guys taking part. I’ve met four of them before. Crush being one. The others are unimportant right now.

So I went to this rehearsal and I swear my breath catches as I walk in. If something such as love at first sight exists I've never believed it does.. but it came close for the first time. Now those that know me well will probably know that with the exception of one individual I NEVER fall for someone easily, rather I am attracted to someone and well as someone so nicely put it recently ‘the novelty often wears off’.

With this guy something was different. I couldn’t help myself from watching him, and my little tiny heart was skipping a beat here and there and everywhere, when he did his routines in the dance piece. My ‘gaydar’ has needed an upgrade ever since I realised it existed.. so I can rarely tell confidently if someone is gay or not. Yet something told me he was, but this is my aunt’s dance academy and well let’s just say I won’t draw attention to my sexual preferences there, heedless of the situation. Needless to say, with the intense staring, I was sure he noticed. But strangely I’m sure I caught him watching me sometimes too.

After rehearsals, I wanna fish for information regarding this guy, but I have to be careful. I blink and this guy runs out of the studio faster than you can scream ‘wait’. I casually fish for info and find out his name. Sweet I love his name.

So on Sunday, the night of the actual event, we meet up at Harrow & Wealdstone. There are almost 35 of us. But so so annoyingly he sits on the seat against the glass panel (so only one seat is next to him), and some girl sits there. Damn. I find a seat where I can watch him from. After a while the conversation turns to Oxford Street and I seize an opportunity to speak to him. The conversation is short lived. He is quite shy and reserved. Damn. So at Oxford Circus Station, I try again. This time we talk a little longer. But again the conversation is short-lived. Double damn. I see I have my work cut out if I want to talk to him. At this point I’d normally think that he wasn’t interested, but the first guy I’ve fancied in AGES is not going to get away that easy. As the evening wears on, we talk but always in dribs & drabs.

Finally on a hunt for pizza (there were 40 of us and we all needed to eat), I corner him outside the pizza place, but the conversation takes a turn for the worse when he asks if my aunt is my aunt. Damn. I say yes. Damn. There goes withholding that information.. and makes asking him out (whether gay or not) very dangerous. Damn. He asks about marriage and I say I’m not the marrying type. There is a moment of awkward silence when he asks why. I stare at him, sometimes awkward silence can be great (if used appropriately) and it gives me the perfect opportunity to stare into his eyes *dreamy* but despite the awkward silence, he doesn’t look away. I know for a fact that the awkward silence has served its purpose and I say ‘I’m not straight.’ He mumbles something that I don’t understand. My head registers he had said he knows exactly what I’m talking about. This would mean he has just told me he is gay, and this is now a very serious conversation. I ask a direct question ‘are you gay?’ He says ‘bi’ slightly harshly, and I know I’ve touched a sore subject. But sore or not, I press at it. The conversation turns very personal at this point and I no longer feel I should go there and describe it here but suffice to say he is as gay as it gets. My heart pulses in delight.

We spend almost the entire evening (except the actual performance) talking.

Quite late into the evening (say 11PM-ish) I casually ask for his phone. He gives me a strange look and I tell him I want to give him my number. Hell if I’m taking chances with waiting for him to ask me for it. He smiles. As the time approaches (12AM) that we will part ways I’m torn. I really don’t want to leave him (this is very unusual.. normally I’m aching to go home).

He texts me at 1AM

Him: Hey Amit just wanna say thank 4 your help & support today, was good getting to know you. Hope to see you soon some time. Nite

I text him back at 2AM

Me: Just saw your text. Sorry battery was dead so put it on charge in my bedroom, and was in the other room when you texted. Likewise I enjoyed your company but it felt like someone was always around and was kinda annoying. Soon? Definitely. How soon? Is tmrw too soon? Maybe I’m too forward but I’m quite blunt and forward as you might have noticed. I’m sure your in bed now, and damn tired after today, so I’ll sign off and talk to you tmrw. Nite. Amit x

Him: Tmrw is good as you know I’m home. Afternoon is best as I need to sort some stuff out at home after such a busy weekend. I’m tired and hungry but not sleepy. PS – Blunt is good.

Damn it. Whilst I don’t know if this has any potential.. I’m so hyped coz its been a while since I’ve fancied someone as much as I do this guy. But as they say.. nothing ventured is nothing gained.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Untapped Questions


I haven't done a rant in ages. Apparently Monty claims it helps him vent by doing so.. so here goes.

PS - this is not a rant rant.. just a venting of sorts.. but the ideology behind the idea still applies.

Something isn't right. The last few days have been trying and I feel weary, and here is the punch line.. I'm not exactly sure why.

For the first time in a LONG TIME.. I feel my life lacks both direction and stability. I'm not one to feel crappy (unless I'm ill.. and I'm not right now), but there is a nagging feeling at the back of my mind and it won't go away.

Normally at this point I'd analyse why I am feeling like that and address it.. but if I don't know what's causing it.. well its obvious to say I can't get rid of it.

Now speculation says it could be:
a. loneliness (which rumour has breeds in groups)
b. boredom (ie. being sick of the same old same old)

... but whatever it is I'm starting to feel down (ie. the desire to do fuck all coz everything is meaningless)... I'd called this being depressed, but seriously me depressed? I can't imagine that's the case (cue denial).

The sick twisted sarcastic voice in my head laughs and says its probably both... but honestly I'm not so sure.

I ain't lonely.. hell I never find time to even be alone (cue comment about groups).. and I have no longing to be with someone.. whilst yes it would be nice to having a boyfriend/girlfriend.. being single is an active daily conscious choice.. there are plenty of options.. just none seem worth it right now or right.

Whilst boredom is definitely present.. I doubt it effects me quite to the point of getting down about it. The strange thing is I'm actually enjoying being directionless and unburdened.. as unsettling as it is.. its a new experience. It's now in hindsight I think I don't stop to breath very often and I'm starting to feel I might burn out if I carry on at the pace I'm normally more accustomed to.

I recall December.. my entire emotional bank and drive was so focused on exams, that I had given no real thought to what I'd do afterwards. And when it arrived I was left kinda hanging (for lack of a better word).. seriously after coming home from my final exam.. I was bored within an hour. I guess that says alot about me.. and how active I like to keep.

So I've run out of options that could be plaguing me.

Maybe I just need something to focus on. Whilst I'm focused on getting a proper job at the mo.. somehow it hasn't fully engaged me.. its just something I have to do.

Maybe I should join a gym.. but that idea makes me cringe (the last time I went to the gym was in my early twenties).. its the only thing that I feel could engage me... but I'm not really sure I want to even go there.

AND on a totally unrelated note: Nick (the background hunk) is kind of getting on my nerves now.. and he might get the boot soon.. so if you need time to say farewell I suggest you do it soon.. coz you know what they say... here today gone tomorrow.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

1 Down 19 To Go

Well done me.

I did it.

No I didn’t get laid. Although I probably should, it’s been a while.

But rather, I did it. I attended a gay meeting. Yay me.

I heard about this meeting for North West Londoners.. its called NWL Lesbian & Gay Group, I heard about it back in October last year but I just didn’t get around to going with ACCA exams looming.

Plus it was slightly nerve-wracking, and yes there are times when cocksure Soul Seared Dreamer isn’t so cocksure, this was one of them. Now I just thought ‘go and get it over and done with’, especially with having made it a New Years Resolution (NYR) and all. Thus it was definitely something I would have had to do this year anyway.. and you know me.. there is no better time for change than in the New Year.

So off I went, and got there just after 9PM. I must admit I was like death warmed up and in the proper firm grip of flu. I drove (I really shouldn’t have) and when I got there, without so much as stopping to think about it.. I stepped out of the car and started walking towards the clubhouse (this is the location of the group meeting).

As I stepped out of the car, I saw a guy turn back and openly watch me do so, several times in fact He was either a very curious man or he was openly checking me out.. but instantly I knew I was home. So anyways after he realised I was walking behind him, he stopped turning back, finally I caught up to him and asked this guy if I was at the right place (like at this point there was even a hint of doubt). He said yes.. not sure if it was nerves or surprise at me speaking to him.. but he spoke no more to me than that. But he did hold the door open for me.

I’m not even gonna lie about it.. but the moment I walked in.. the only thought in my head was ‘WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE.’

Here was me, in my mid-twenties, when EVERYONE was at least 40. I swear as I walked in EVERYONE turned and watched (it was like a scene straight out of a movie). I counted an approximate 20 men & no women (I swear its a Lesbian AND Gay group). I didn’t know where to look. Bless a guy standing in front of me, turned sensing the NEWBIE and walked over, with a huge smile across his face. We spoke, and he asked me if it was my first time here. I said yes. He told me his name, for this post we’ll call him C. Bless the guy, I would have bolted and probably never returned if the first person to approach me wasn’t him. He was normal and in that moment, man did I need normal. My favourite line was when he said ‘I’m C first and not gay first.’ I knew I’d like this guy. He introduced me to some other people too (including some of the official group organisers), but I must admit the nerves and sheer shock of it all made me hesitant in talking to everyone. I needed to take it slow here, and C offered me as much normalcy as possible. We spoke at great length, he insisted on buying me a drink (damn it took all my resistance to not order alcohol.. but as a NYR is not to drink, and with being flu-y and having driven here.. I did resist), I choose an orange juice (they didn’t have Cranberry.. what can I say I’m gay and posh).

Anyways I left there just after 11PM I think. I couldn’t believe I had been there that long. And I’m glad to say I might go again but I doubt I'll go every week. Texted C (we exchanged numbers), and he mentioned he won’t be going for 2 weeks (he is in Dubai), so maybe it’s a good thing that I will have to choose someone else to talk too.

PS - I did notice after a while that there were maybe 2-3 people who weren't over 40.

Not a bad start to the year.. I’ve already achieved the NYR that I would have thought would have been the hardest to achieve.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Resolution Time.. AGAIN

OK this time of year means its time to draw reflections on the year gone bye-bye.

2007 was a bittersweet year. Some things have transpired that can never be undone.

Coming out to my aunt was one of these. Now I must admit there is very little regret in that action, and I can not imagine going back to living in the closet like I was prior to that. It still remains an unspoken subject in our household but I feel almost as though for the first time in my life she knows the real me, and that makes it worth the shitty aspects associated with it. I’m not going to dwell on that however, this time of year is about looking forwards and making the most of the new year.

Another thing that can not be undone (nor would I want it to be so) was that I got my first tattoo.. and whilst this might seem minor.. this was a huge deal for me. I’d wanted one since I was 18 and I just couldn’t draw the courage needed to get one.

Of my New Years Resolutions:

Important things I failed to do this year that I should have were:
1. gain weight. Oh well the battle continues.
2. learn enough Spanish to converse with ease.
3. attend a gay pride event

Important things I succeeded in doing this year were:
1. tell new people I meet I’m gay
2. pass all my ACCA exams
3. get a tattoo

You might notice I didn’t say COME OUT. This is because in January last year I would never ever ever ever ever have imagined that I would do that. That was as unpredictable an act as unpredictable things go.

Now as I look forward all I see opportunity.
1. new friends
2. new experiences
3. new job
4. new life (er ok maybe not.. body swapping isn’t possible yet)

This year I’m going to try to do the things I failed to do last year. I always aim high, and thus I never make 1 resolution, but rather a chain of them.
This is what they will be for 2008.
1. Move from speaking Pigeon-Spanish to proper Spanish
2. Write a letter to someone to be opened when I'm dead (I know its a touch morbid)
3. See a Psychic/Medium/Clairvoyant to get a reading into my future
4. Gain some weight (look less Smurf more buff) – maybe even rejoin a gym
5. Pay more than the installments for my Student Loan
6. Avoid getting involved with a complete loser (this is an ongoing resolution)
7. Continue to tell new people I meet I'm gay
8. Attend a gay pride event
9. Find an appropriate job in the world of Audit/Forensic Accountancy
10. Pass all my ACCA (accountancy) exams (February results will determine achievement or not)
11. Get a professional photoshoot photo done
12. Decide whether I’m gay or bi
13. Join/attend some kind of regular gay meetings
14. Be less flirty
15. Make some headway in my book
16. Gain that damn second degree
17. Stick to remaining tea-total
18. Meet at least one blogger I’ve never met before
19. Laugh & smile more
20. Be more outgoing

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

A Long New Year Post

Christmas has been a big fat blur. I’m not really sure where it went.

For the last two years with ACCA exams in early December, the latter end of the month has always been an opportunity to really let my hair down and party, and meet people I’ve been neglecting over the last few months.

Last year Christmas was quiet and spent with family and the New Year spent celebrating the year with a bang. This year was and will be no different.

Christmas Eve was spent at my mum’s. I’d invited my Aunt and her family over for dinner, one of these days my mum is gonna get pissed at me for inviting people over to hers without consulting her first (2 weeks back I invited a relative over for dinner at hers without asking if it would be okay.. bless it always is!), just after we had finished clearing up after dinner, my uncle and cousins turned up to deliver some presents to my niece and before you could say PARTY, the house was full and heaving. After awhile when we realised my cousins weren’t about to leave we settled into to playing games

In typical Christmas fashion as the party host (or maybe hostess would be more appropriate.. I very much camp it up at Christmas) I chaired a game ‘charades’ (or ‘give us a clue’ – whatever you want to call it). We do this every year. I must tell you I have a very competitive family and this game always turns into a riot and there is never a dull moment, especially since I’ve introduced rules, difficulty of cards, politically incorrect team-setting (husband & wives and siblings are always on opposing teams) and spiced it up with something called wild cards and life lines. Towards the end there is yelling and bickering when it comes to counting the points. Poor Pree who was sleeping in the room next door. We called it a day when morning was on the verge of breaking.. I’m not sure but it may have been about 3-4AM.

On Christmas Day my eldest sister-in-law (cousin’s wife) invited the whole family around. Well actually she didn’t invite my cousin sister (said cousin’s birth sister.. they have issues to say the least) and when she (uninvited cousin) texted me to ask if she could come over to ours with her kids.. it was awkward to say the least. I finally had my Aunt ring the relevant parties and have an invitation extended to said uninvited parties and well it kind of sorted itself out.. although my cousin sister did realise that it was coz of my aunt and I that she was invited. Man you gotta hate family politics. She did come (if it were me.. I’d not have) but she didn’t eat anything and only stayed for a short while (a good balance).
I was instructed to bring my game of ‘wild charades’ the night before.. as for the last few years we have played it on Christmas when we ALL get together.. and thus my game and I have sort of become as much of a part of Christmas celebrations as the turkey and having a Christmas tree.
Just as the previous day it become a riot. It was a great laugh though. I swear at one point even the normally quiet Uncle H (who never really takes part in Christmas games) was literally screaming at the top of his lungs at the other team.
We threw in some Poker (holey hell it took over an hour to explain the rules to a few newbies) and ‘The Weakest Link’ for good measure but everyone agreed that Wild Charades was the highlight of the evening.

Boxing Day was chilled and I caught up with a few friends. I

Now that just leaves New Years Eve and as I did last year I attended the same venue. My ex-manager arranges his communities one, and it has a nice atmosphere and good music so that’ll be a good laugh.. plus a famous DJ from the Britain’s most popular Asian Radio Station was DJ-ing. The only downside was that I’d be asked on numerous occasions when I’m planning to get married.. my ex-manager’s wife has taken to becoming my surrogate mother with phrases like ‘he’s just like my son’... last year I joking hugged my manager and said ‘hi dad’, the look on his face was classic and his wife obviously getting the joke came over and gave me a hug and loads of smiles. This year she actually didn’t ask about a wife (surprisingly). In fact the last few days I’ve been fairly ill and have a brutal eye infection.. in fact as I’m writing this I’m actually considering going to an Emergency Eye Hospital (but don’t worry.. this is not the first time I’ve had to go to Hospital for an Eye Infection), anyways I’m drifting AGAIN.. so I’m ill and my ex-manager’s wife literally hugs me so hard that I swear she almost took me off balance, and I had to react quickly as to prevent myself from falling flat on my ass.. and to think the only time I had met this woman before last year’s New Year’s Party was on a 2 hour drive to a mutual friend’s wedding in Cardiff last year just before Christmas. What can I say.. I’m loveable ;o)

Last year I, very much in celebration of exams being over danced from 9PM to 3AM, with maybe 20 minutes break throughout the whole party, but this year with being ill I was probably only on the dance floor for an hour max.. my niece refused to dance whatsoever unless I was with her.. she refused to dance with her mum and dad too.. it was funny coz they’ll force her to go onto the dancefloor and she would say no. And then a few minutes later she’d come over to me and say ‘can I dance with you’. It was her first proper New Year Celebration.. and it was really nice coz she really enjoyed herself and I made sure she stayed awake until past midnight. Finally she dozed on my lap at about 2AM. Finally just after 2.30AM we left despite the party not having ended.

Other great news from the night.. I was shocked when a friend whom I haven’t seen or spoken to since 1998 rang me yesterday. He recently (within the last 2 weeks) hooked me up on Facebook and it was great catching up with him.. we’ve agreed to meet up later this week.. so I’m quite looking forward to this.. after high school he kinda disappeared off the face of the planet (pre-internet & mobile phones).
Also I learnt that a friend had a baby girl on Saturday.
And finally some bad news (coz there should always be some), I totally spilled food all over my clothes and nice shoes at the party and fucked up one of my favourite tops :o(

On my way home, after having dropped my brother, his wife, my parents & niece off, I noticed the light on at my uncle’s place and thought I’d drop by and wish them all a Happy New Year.. it was house full.. my older cousin and his family was there, as was the girl who my uncle was trying to set me up with some months back, that girl’s sister and a neighbour and his wife too. They were playing Cranium and asked me to join. Shortly afterwards my brother turned up.. I imagine my uncle rang him and asked him to come over now that he knew we were back from the New Year’s Party. At 3AM, Uncle H asked me to go home and get my Charades. I was like ‘Its 3AM’.. and he was like ‘SO WHAT. NOW GO GET IT ALREADY.’ I’m not even gonna say it… I’m just gonna say RIOT. It was 6AM when I got home.

Hope everyone had a fantastic New Year’s Celebration..

I’ve been a bad blogger as of late but I promise to catch up on everyone’s blog soon.. but just not today I’m too tired. I just hope you’ve all not posted loads.