I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
OK doing computer lines isn't actually real punishment, since you can cut and paste.. but still I think its a lesson I need to very quickly learn.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
Maybe I should add that.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
Grrr.. why are under 21s so damn attractive. Damn it.
On a stranger more personal note - I had forgotten until ystd but Tuesday gone was the one year anniversary to the day I officially came out to my Aunt. Its not really a big deal.. actually screw that.. its a HUGE deal. Just thought that I'd share that.
Revel in a year of leaps and bounds.
Oh yeah - the moral of this post is: always talk to really cute guys especially those under 21.
[SSD scratches his head]
Errrrr.. lesson obviously not learnt :o(
Friday, March 28, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Standoffish Liaisons
I was asked the most frustrating question of all recently.What are you looking for?
As questions go.. it’s the only one I don’t know how to answer.
The context obviously involved my single relationship status.
I get asked that all the time.
X most recently joined the ranks.
Might just be me but I feel things have changed with him.
We went to dinner with some friends the other day, and I had met him for coffee earlier that evening and we spent quite some time talking. He might have indirectly asked me if I was interested in pursuing a relationship with him. He looked me in the eye and said “I want someone”. I was not sure how to respond so I said something like “Kool. I’ll keep an eye out for you.” There was much more to this conversation but its hard to put into words. Truth is I wanted nothing more than to kiss him right there in front of everyone.
Then later, when we were walking up past Hyde Park, we both turned and faced London Eye in the background shimmering like a jewel with it’s night lights sparkling in full glory. I could see X was transfixed. And the following conversation ensued:
X: It looks amazing doesn’t it?
Me: Yeah. Have you ever been on it at night?
X: No I haven’t
Me: Really? Have you ever been on it?
X: Yeah, just not at night.
Me: Well you should. It is so different as night. It’s incredible.
X: Well then you can take me their on our first date.
Me:
X: What?
Me:
X: Say something.
Me: Like what?
Later that day I met this Italian guy (I’ve met him before.. but this was the first time I actually made more than small talk), originally he is from Sri Lanka (I think), I vaguely recall him mentioning the Buddha, so maybe I’m wrong.. but his parents I understand are living in Rome at the moment so he’s Italian as far as I’m concerned.
He quizzed me about X. It’s incredible how quickly he picked up on the chemistry between X and I, despite the fact that I was sitting at the different end of the table from X. His questions and X’s behaviour made me really think about what the hell it is that I want in relation which X.
How does one approach something like that? X talks about exclusivity and trust, wanting a proper boyfriend and not a fuck-buddy, moving away from one-night stands, etc. Part of me wants to go there coz the chemistry is so strong between us, its hard to ignore, but there is part of me that is wary of him and is that a good place to start on a relationship from?
Sunday, March 16, 2008
200 Long Stemmed Red Roses
After much debate and deliberation I’ve decided to drag the past back and share a little of the past.
Not a story as such. That story belongs to Him.. but here today He holds no sway. This bay is mine tonight.
But all things start story-like.. this will be no different.
He has a notebook. It’s yellow & pink. It’s not lined mind you.. it’s just simple and blank.
There contained within are different coloured pages and all those colours soften me to my core. Yes our steel hearted Dreamer is in awe of His book.
This fabled notebook has His heart contained inside. A metaphoric heart but a heart nonetheless. He is somewhat afraid of this book.
I doubt that everyone will fully understand the relevance of this post but this is something He wrote sometime after a dark moment in His life. Writing always was strangely comforting for Him. I’m glad for I was born of that writing. You'll read my name.. in it's birth. This is the first time my name was ever uttered.. almost like a pregnancy test of a kind. The test said its A Dreamer. I can't say for sure if I was planned or not.
It’s amazing how many powerful secrets are caught on paper.
How many raw emotions are preserved in a snapshot for all of eternity.
How much pain even a single word can contain.
No celebration is complete without remembering those darker moments. Here is the preservation of a dark moment. The darkest. The darkness that gave birth to me. So I feel right at home. I revere this place. For someone born of darkness.. darkness is not sin but life. This is a celebration.... a 200th post. How will we celebrate.. but with 200 long stemmed blood red roses?
Here is a poem taken from that book. Poetry is a fruit of life after all.
Another chooses to love me
how dare he?
Yours Sincerely Soul Seared Dreamer
Not a story as such. That story belongs to Him.. but here today He holds no sway. This bay is mine tonight.
But all things start story-like.. this will be no different.
He has a notebook. It’s yellow & pink. It’s not lined mind you.. it’s just simple and blank.
There contained within are different coloured pages and all those colours soften me to my core. Yes our steel hearted Dreamer is in awe of His book.
This fabled notebook has His heart contained inside. A metaphoric heart but a heart nonetheless. He is somewhat afraid of this book.
I doubt that everyone will fully understand the relevance of this post but this is something He wrote sometime after a dark moment in His life. Writing always was strangely comforting for Him. I’m glad for I was born of that writing. You'll read my name.. in it's birth. This is the first time my name was ever uttered.. almost like a pregnancy test of a kind. The test said its A Dreamer. I can't say for sure if I was planned or not.
It’s amazing how many powerful secrets are caught on paper.
How many raw emotions are preserved in a snapshot for all of eternity.
How much pain even a single word can contain.
No celebration is complete without remembering those darker moments. Here is the preservation of a dark moment. The darkest. The darkness that gave birth to me. So I feel right at home. I revere this place. For someone born of darkness.. darkness is not sin but life. This is a celebration.... a 200th post. How will we celebrate.. but with 200 long stemmed blood red roses?
Here is a poem taken from that book. Poetry is a fruit of life after all.
The tears tainted by Heaven’s actions sear my soul
the wind choosing to brush past me soundlessly.
Dew turns to mist and I struggle to see
the mist turning into ice causes my heart to slip
and when the ice melts it’s blood that trickles away.
Look closely and you’ll see marks of those that dared to defy
marred blood marks the road where the rabbits try to cross
even the trees sing a song the world had hoped to forget
It’s as if my bush bares no rose anymore, just a single dreaded thorn.
Like a jagged diamond rock hidden in the sand
this graveyard should hold a single coffin, but its empty of note
even death it appears chooses not to lingers here any longer.
A candle burns brightly, its soft gentle flicker feeling so out of place.
A sudden chill breeze, the vast open sky, a stray falling star, a single ray of light
all point to that place, where that grave that ought to be
I’m not allowed to dig a grave with my bare fingers as I want to.
Earth to Earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
What to do when I have no grave, no Earth to revere,
and no ash to keep.. I was forced to let it all float away.
My beloved no longer sways from side to side
my heart is no longer able to beat to that long forgotten tune
the wind choosing to brush past me soundlessly.
Dew turns to mist and I struggle to see
the mist turning into ice causes my heart to slip
and when the ice melts it’s blood that trickles away.
Look closely and you’ll see marks of those that dared to defy
marred blood marks the road where the rabbits try to cross
even the trees sing a song the world had hoped to forget
It’s as if my bush bares no rose anymore, just a single dreaded thorn.
Like a jagged diamond rock hidden in the sand
this graveyard should hold a single coffin, but its empty of note
even death it appears chooses not to lingers here any longer.
A candle burns brightly, its soft gentle flicker feeling so out of place.
A sudden chill breeze, the vast open sky, a stray falling star, a single ray of light
all point to that place, where that grave that ought to be
I’m not allowed to dig a grave with my bare fingers as I want to.
Earth to Earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
What to do when I have no grave, no Earth to revere,
and no ash to keep.. I was forced to let it all float away.
My beloved no longer sways from side to side
my heart is no longer able to beat to that long forgotten tune
that silenced heartbeat was music to my ears at one point.
I cry alone and for a moment I feel the world as it stops turning
just for a second I hear the whole world weeping with me
then gravity kicks back in and the moment passes,
And again I am left alone, me and my fears.
How fickle life is when it flickers
the sun hides behind the moutains for hours at a time
I cry alone and for a moment I feel the world as it stops turning
just for a second I hear the whole world weeping with me
then gravity kicks back in and the moment passes,
And again I am left alone, me and my fears.
How fickle life is when it flickers
the sun hides behind the moutains for hours at a time
when he finds her he chases her away
for the avid observer this is normal
but for me this is the most cruel of games.
I wish he would leave her be, hidden away, out of sight
it is what is best for me as I cannot bear to face her
the symphony of another day burns at me.
it is what is best for me as I cannot bear to face her
the symphony of another day burns at me.
My poor seared soul.
Another chooses to love me
how dare he?
I want him to walk away
it is not meant to be
nothing is meant to be
nothing is meant for me
as surely as the other was meant to be.
it is not meant to be
nothing is meant to be
nothing is meant for me
as surely as the other was meant to be.
- A Dreamer
Yours Sincerely Soul Seared Dreamer
Monday, March 10, 2008
Bad Blogger
I think I'm officially fallin' into the bad blogger category (as far as I'm concerned)!
I can't recall the last time I responded to the comments left behind.. just to let you know I do read them and thanks for them. I love you all and appreciate each and every single one.
Dunno what to do about my next post now.. it'll be my 200th. Yup. Honest.
Any thoughts?
PS - Anyone suggesting a '200 things about me'.. will be shot RUTHLESSLY, gutted and the innards sold on the black market for something very insulting. Just so we're clear :o)
I can't recall the last time I responded to the comments left behind.. just to let you know I do read them and thanks for them. I love you all and appreciate each and every single one.
Dunno what to do about my next post now.. it'll be my 200th. Yup. Honest.
Any thoughts?
PS - Anyone suggesting a '200 things about me'.. will be shot RUTHLESSLY, gutted and the innards sold on the black market for something very insulting. Just so we're clear :o)
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
It Wasn't Me
It’s amazing how much change a week can bring.
Yesterday saw me starting my new job. I gotta admit I’m actually really really looking forward to this. It’s not like I’ve never worked full-time before.. So it’s not like a new experience or anything.. but having worked so damn hard at securing a decent job.. I’m just really psyched up. Today will be the proper first day coz yesterday was more induction than anything else.. but I’ve already been allocated my first client file so I’m starting to think there isn’t really going to be a grace period to adjust rather this is the kind of role that you’re just a dropped in the deep end and you have to sink or swim.
Things with the designer (friend’s ex) have been interesting. He seems to have brought out the fiery elements of my Leo’s fire rich nature.. sometimes I can’t seem to curb that aspect of my star sign’s nature.
On Monday when we saw each other we attacked each other with a ferocity not seen since the days of Ancient Greece. I left him with a 3 inch dark bruise on the right side of his neck (oh yes I’m vicious when I want to be) and he left me with 13 little bruise marks in various positions along my neck line (only one classed as more than a hickey). We were sprawled over one another, naked with tangled limbs, when my aunt walked into the house. I ran and closed my bedroom door whilst he attempted to find our clothes.. for such a small bedroom this was shockingly hard. Obviously the gusto in which we ripped each other’s clothes off speaks earnestly here. Aunt was not pleased one bit when said designer walked out of the house a short while later.. *breaks a sweat* but at least she didn’t see us naked together.. can't imagine how badly that would have rocked her world.
Tuesday I met up X for coffee and then went to dinner with a now mutual girlfriend.. X tagged along for a bit. Finally me and girlfriend went to see a movie and X buggered off. Apparently it was past midnight when an Earthquake hit England.. I don’t know why exactly but I totally missed it. Either I was in said girlfriend’s car and the car’s suspension absorbed the shock or I was sitting on my foam mattress and that swallowed up the ground shaking.. either way I had no idea an Earthquake hit despite being on the phone until well past 3AM.
Wednesday I met up with a girl (yes this meeting girls is twice in a row now) from my studies and broke it to her that Juliet’s Romeo is a fag. She seemed to take it well but time will tell if I did the right thing. This is the girl I very likely would have married if I were straight so this was no easy thing to do *tears* and then met my designer for something that I never imagined in a million years I would do. Its shocking the limits we breach when one is in need of comfort. We found a nice quiet location on a fairly busy street (the next street up from my road) and parked in front of someone’s house and completely made out *sighs* no shit if Police had caught us we would have been arrested for indecent exposure and illicit sex in a public place. I’ve lost my innocence :o(
Thursday and Friday I was home but on Thursday I sneaked out of the house for a five minute kissing session with my designer which my aunt totally noticed I did.. so much for being discreet.
Saturday I went work and then spent the evening with the designer in Park Royale, Action. For someone so firmly in the closet I was pleasantly surprised how dangerously we acted in such a popular and public area. I held his body continuously, allowed my body to press against his, over dinner I had my foot laid across his leg, I kissed him, and worst of all I constantly felt him up and he responded accordingly. Have I mentioned that my designer is WELL-KNOWN in HIS community.. like virtually everyone in his community would recognise him at first glance. We decided to drive away from Acton when the interaction between us started to move away from being PG rated. So we decided to drive to a quieter location.. I totally pleasured him as he drove though.. in hindsight I can’t highlight how stupid this was considering he was actually driving. Its crazy what horniness can do to your wits. We topped up the evening with a heavy make-out session in the car AGAIN.
Despite how it looks.. there is virtually no attachment here on my behalf. I think its very physical for me.. whereas I’m afraid its starting to become emotional for him.. and despite me stressing that it can’t bode well for either of us if this gets too serious.. these things can not be controlled and I’m left feeling I should end it now before it does go there.
What I’m looking for is someone I can enjoy hanging around with and doesn’t have coming out or closeted hang-ups.. and this guy is SO NOT THIS - this guy still wants to get married coz his position in the community demands it of him.
He knows that as things are going he is likely to start getting attached and that’s dangerous for him.. he thinks I’m getting attached too but here is the punch line.. I’m not.. I’m more worried about him getting attached than anything else.
Damn. Just once I’d like someone I can have sex with to have no hang ups. Is this too much to ask for?
Yesterday saw me starting my new job. I gotta admit I’m actually really really looking forward to this. It’s not like I’ve never worked full-time before.. So it’s not like a new experience or anything.. but having worked so damn hard at securing a decent job.. I’m just really psyched up. Today will be the proper first day coz yesterday was more induction than anything else.. but I’ve already been allocated my first client file so I’m starting to think there isn’t really going to be a grace period to adjust rather this is the kind of role that you’re just a dropped in the deep end and you have to sink or swim.
Things with the designer (friend’s ex) have been interesting. He seems to have brought out the fiery elements of my Leo’s fire rich nature.. sometimes I can’t seem to curb that aspect of my star sign’s nature.
On Monday when we saw each other we attacked each other with a ferocity not seen since the days of Ancient Greece. I left him with a 3 inch dark bruise on the right side of his neck (oh yes I’m vicious when I want to be) and he left me with 13 little bruise marks in various positions along my neck line (only one classed as more than a hickey). We were sprawled over one another, naked with tangled limbs, when my aunt walked into the house. I ran and closed my bedroom door whilst he attempted to find our clothes.. for such a small bedroom this was shockingly hard. Obviously the gusto in which we ripped each other’s clothes off speaks earnestly here. Aunt was not pleased one bit when said designer walked out of the house a short while later.. *breaks a sweat* but at least she didn’t see us naked together.. can't imagine how badly that would have rocked her world.
Tuesday I met up X for coffee and then went to dinner with a now mutual girlfriend.. X tagged along for a bit. Finally me and girlfriend went to see a movie and X buggered off. Apparently it was past midnight when an Earthquake hit England.. I don’t know why exactly but I totally missed it. Either I was in said girlfriend’s car and the car’s suspension absorbed the shock or I was sitting on my foam mattress and that swallowed up the ground shaking.. either way I had no idea an Earthquake hit despite being on the phone until well past 3AM.
Wednesday I met up with a girl (yes this meeting girls is twice in a row now) from my studies and broke it to her that Juliet’s Romeo is a fag. She seemed to take it well but time will tell if I did the right thing. This is the girl I very likely would have married if I were straight so this was no easy thing to do *tears* and then met my designer for something that I never imagined in a million years I would do. Its shocking the limits we breach when one is in need of comfort. We found a nice quiet location on a fairly busy street (the next street up from my road) and parked in front of someone’s house and completely made out *sighs* no shit if Police had caught us we would have been arrested for indecent exposure and illicit sex in a public place. I’ve lost my innocence :o(
Thursday and Friday I was home but on Thursday I sneaked out of the house for a five minute kissing session with my designer which my aunt totally noticed I did.. so much for being discreet.
Saturday I went work and then spent the evening with the designer in Park Royale, Action. For someone so firmly in the closet I was pleasantly surprised how dangerously we acted in such a popular and public area. I held his body continuously, allowed my body to press against his, over dinner I had my foot laid across his leg, I kissed him, and worst of all I constantly felt him up and he responded accordingly. Have I mentioned that my designer is WELL-KNOWN in HIS community.. like virtually everyone in his community would recognise him at first glance. We decided to drive away from Acton when the interaction between us started to move away from being PG rated. So we decided to drive to a quieter location.. I totally pleasured him as he drove though.. in hindsight I can’t highlight how stupid this was considering he was actually driving. Its crazy what horniness can do to your wits. We topped up the evening with a heavy make-out session in the car AGAIN.
Despite how it looks.. there is virtually no attachment here on my behalf. I think its very physical for me.. whereas I’m afraid its starting to become emotional for him.. and despite me stressing that it can’t bode well for either of us if this gets too serious.. these things can not be controlled and I’m left feeling I should end it now before it does go there.
What I’m looking for is someone I can enjoy hanging around with and doesn’t have coming out or closeted hang-ups.. and this guy is SO NOT THIS - this guy still wants to get married coz his position in the community demands it of him.
He knows that as things are going he is likely to start getting attached and that’s dangerous for him.. he thinks I’m getting attached too but here is the punch line.. I’m not.. I’m more worried about him getting attached than anything else.
Damn. Just once I’d like someone I can have sex with to have no hang ups. Is this too much to ask for?
Monday, February 25, 2008
Who? Ex Thats Who.
Despite the fact that we haven’t yet even hit the quarter year mark.. this year has already become a most interesting year.
I don’t want to make this post about X.. he is really nothing more than a backdrop to this post.. but since meeting X I have found his presence in my life has been almost magnetic.. quite literally altering the course and direction of my life.
Prior to him.. gay Indians were something of fables.. you occasionally heard about them.. occasionally you got to correspond with one here and there.. but sometimes actually having someone a part of your life is very different. Since X I have met 12 other gay Indians (as in actually physically met and been able to touch) and that is ALOT when you’ve personally known NONE really.
Its very strange.
Now remember when I said that this year has become most interesting? Read in between the lines here.. its more like my life is slightly FUCKED UP right now.. well here is what I mean:
1. X’s lover seems to want to become my best friend.. he has already invited me to his house several times (without X).. all of which I have politely refused. As much as this gezzer is a nice guy.. I know he made a move on one of X’s mates some time ago and it really screwed up X.. and well I don’t even want to go there so its best to avoid him like the plague unless X is there as a buffer.
2. I completely made out with a friend’s ex. I know I know I know.. what can I say other than I’m a complete tart but I was having a bad day and said ex offered me comfort in the form of a kiss and cuddle and things quickly escalated. I can’t believe I actually ended up with this guy’s penis in my hand and that this guy has had both my penis and my friend’s penis in his mouth. This so completely goes against every accepted rule within the friendship-book but then I can hide behind the fact that he made the first move.. excluding of course the fact that I had my hand on his thigh over coffee in Starbucks for almost over an hour prior to this. The bastard gave me a hickey that I didn’t notice until someone pointed it out. Damn he is good.
3. A guy completely head over heels in love with a mutual friend.. is falling for me as well and I’m not sure what to do about it. This is the sweetest guy alive but there is like zip chemistry. Why I can’t I fall for someone like this? I really enjoy his company but I have the constant battle with my head telling me I should maintain some distance as well.
4. I meet the cutest guy alive at a housewarming party I gate-crashed.. but he is with someone – and they make the cutest couple *sigh* that I couldn’t bare it if someone tried to break them up. Grrr.. why are all the good ones taken? Dunno why I mentioned this.. I just think this guy warranted a mention ;o)
5. Ironically the guys whose housewarming part I gate-carshed above is like deep I think I wanna get to know him. There are aspects about him that will undoubtedly be in contrast and others akin. I look forward to getting to know him better. Best of all - he didn't seem at all fussed that I had gate-crashed his party. He made an amazing host.
6. I officially told my brother that I’m gay. He doesn’t know what to do with this information but for the better part he has been great with it despite the fact that I clearly see he isn’t okay with it.. but that he is making an effort is the most important part.. and I admire him for that. But he seems to think he now needs to monitor my whereabouts and whom I am with.. which is frustrating at the best of times and unbearable at the worse.
7. My post exam celebration with my family turned into World War 3 and I in absolute livid rage walked out of the house and roamed outside for over an hour until a significant portion of that rage subsided and my brother luckily happened upon me. Would you believe they made me cancel my plans so that we could all go out and celebrate, and then a horrid comment was made towards me that made me walk out? That’s what you get when you put family first. This was the act that required the warmth and comfort of a bloke inside me… come in said ex.
8. Right now I’m waiting for said ex to come do me. I rang his office and asked for a quote.. as the only décor planner in today.. guess who comes out to my house to do it? The only thing he’ll get to see is my bedroom walls.
I don’t want to make this post about X.. he is really nothing more than a backdrop to this post.. but since meeting X I have found his presence in my life has been almost magnetic.. quite literally altering the course and direction of my life.
Prior to him.. gay Indians were something of fables.. you occasionally heard about them.. occasionally you got to correspond with one here and there.. but sometimes actually having someone a part of your life is very different. Since X I have met 12 other gay Indians (as in actually physically met and been able to touch) and that is ALOT when you’ve personally known NONE really.
Its very strange.
Now remember when I said that this year has become most interesting? Read in between the lines here.. its more like my life is slightly FUCKED UP right now.. well here is what I mean:
1. X’s lover seems to want to become my best friend.. he has already invited me to his house several times (without X).. all of which I have politely refused. As much as this gezzer is a nice guy.. I know he made a move on one of X’s mates some time ago and it really screwed up X.. and well I don’t even want to go there so its best to avoid him like the plague unless X is there as a buffer.
2. I completely made out with a friend’s ex. I know I know I know.. what can I say other than I’m a complete tart but I was having a bad day and said ex offered me comfort in the form of a kiss and cuddle and things quickly escalated. I can’t believe I actually ended up with this guy’s penis in my hand and that this guy has had both my penis and my friend’s penis in his mouth. This so completely goes against every accepted rule within the friendship-book but then I can hide behind the fact that he made the first move.. excluding of course the fact that I had my hand on his thigh over coffee in Starbucks for almost over an hour prior to this. The bastard gave me a hickey that I didn’t notice until someone pointed it out. Damn he is good.
3. A guy completely head over heels in love with a mutual friend.. is falling for me as well and I’m not sure what to do about it. This is the sweetest guy alive but there is like zip chemistry. Why I can’t I fall for someone like this? I really enjoy his company but I have the constant battle with my head telling me I should maintain some distance as well.
4. I meet the cutest guy alive at a housewarming party I gate-crashed.. but he is with someone – and they make the cutest couple *sigh* that I couldn’t bare it if someone tried to break them up. Grrr.. why are all the good ones taken? Dunno why I mentioned this.. I just think this guy warranted a mention ;o)
5. Ironically the guys whose housewarming part I gate-carshed above is like deep I think I wanna get to know him. There are aspects about him that will undoubtedly be in contrast and others akin. I look forward to getting to know him better. Best of all - he didn't seem at all fussed that I had gate-crashed his party. He made an amazing host.
6. I officially told my brother that I’m gay. He doesn’t know what to do with this information but for the better part he has been great with it despite the fact that I clearly see he isn’t okay with it.. but that he is making an effort is the most important part.. and I admire him for that. But he seems to think he now needs to monitor my whereabouts and whom I am with.. which is frustrating at the best of times and unbearable at the worse.
7. My post exam celebration with my family turned into World War 3 and I in absolute livid rage walked out of the house and roamed outside for over an hour until a significant portion of that rage subsided and my brother luckily happened upon me. Would you believe they made me cancel my plans so that we could all go out and celebrate, and then a horrid comment was made towards me that made me walk out? That’s what you get when you put family first. This was the act that required the warmth and comfort of a bloke inside me… come in said ex.
8. Right now I’m waiting for said ex to come do me. I rang his office and asked for a quote.. as the only décor planner in today.. guess who comes out to my house to do it? The only thing he’ll get to see is my bedroom walls.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Anyone For A Cuppa Kismet?
Its truly incredible how things in life play out.
Fate.
Such a simple.. and yet such a powerful word.
I’ve never understood fate.. and I’m not sure I ever will in this lifetime either.. and truth is when you don’t understand something.. you can not learn to appreciate it. The only thing you can do is recognise it.
For a Godless individual.. fate is meaningless. He is blind to it. Yet there are times when even in the apparent darkness.. a light shines. How does one ignore such light?
Yet despite my multiple efforts to shake the feeling.. I fear I’ve started to picture myself as a train.. rocketing away at a superhuman speed.. so fast in fact that my surroundings all blur with a lack of clarity.. maybe this is the reason why I can’t see those tracks I follow. When I look up I see the horizon and the opportunities that lay just out of reach.. and its only when I look down and try to focus that I see the occasional line of train track that inevitably seems to be guiding my direction.
A powerful metaphor I hope.
Let me try to explain what I mean.
Take my ACCAs as an example. I come from a very close knit family, and as a result I was born into a very strong support system. We are always there for one another and so I’ve never had to embark on anything without blessings and support from them.. yet in the instance when I choose to do my ACCAs they refused to support me.. rather choosing to stand against me and insist that the decision was a bad one and that I already had a good job that I shouldn’t walk away from it. I bit my bottom lip and did what my heart told me I should... todate I found this to be my biggest motivational factor.. failing to achieve my ACCAs would have undoubtedly provided an opportunity to say ‘we told you not to do this’.. and thus falling flat on my face was not an option I would ever have found acceptable.. so I worked like a bitch and put everything on hold in order to achieve this goal.. everything and everyone (even myself).. and I’m not going to hesitate in saying that it was their lack of support that propelled me forwards and I never allowed myself to waver or to accept defeat. I look at many of my friends doing their ACCAs and with their supportive family networks they often seem to lack the drive that forced me forwards so strongly.
I can’t shake the feeling that it could have been fate that a family who have ALWAYS supported my every decision in my career chose not to support me.. almost like it was in order for me to find the motivation to achieve what thousands fail each year to do.
Another example is X. When I met him.. I had the potential to fall hard.. harder than I have ever fallen for anyone.. and despite the fact that I am closer to him than any other guy in my life.. having suffered from the claw-back of a three-way emotional triangle with a certain someone of Mexican origin early last year.. I approached X with caution (the comment I had made in a previous post rings true here.. when I said the more I discover about him.. the more distance builds between us and the closer we get). This old memory has enabled me to flirt with X but remain completely emotionally disconnected. The last week I’ve discovered a side to X that makes me so glad I am so emotionally detached. I always wondered what the reason behind Alex being in my life was.. I feel this was it.. to enable me to have X in my life and retain emotional detachment. But meeting X has brought people into my life that I think I was destined to meet (I know how this sounds.. but work with me here).. two of his closest friends are now amongst my closest friends. One of whom I spoke with for over 2 hours on the phone (after maybe spending maybe an hour with him in person). The other has almost become an elder brother of sorts.
Even with work. I was so cut up on the day when I heard that I didn’t get the Lloyds TSB job that I applied for.. I returned home and applied to a role I saw on the NHS website with a great deal of fervour and strife. The only application I made that whole week. This role has turned into what can only be described as a dream job. Its training is unparallel and will provide just about everything in a career one can dream of. Have I said yet that I was offered this role even before they interviewed all the candidates and I have accepted it?
Fate at work maybe?
I can give dozens of things in my life recently as examples but I’ll stop there coz its almost eerie to think about.
Anyone else feeling the Goosebumps?
Fate.
Such a simple.. and yet such a powerful word.
I’ve never understood fate.. and I’m not sure I ever will in this lifetime either.. and truth is when you don’t understand something.. you can not learn to appreciate it. The only thing you can do is recognise it.
For a Godless individual.. fate is meaningless. He is blind to it. Yet there are times when even in the apparent darkness.. a light shines. How does one ignore such light?
Yet despite my multiple efforts to shake the feeling.. I fear I’ve started to picture myself as a train.. rocketing away at a superhuman speed.. so fast in fact that my surroundings all blur with a lack of clarity.. maybe this is the reason why I can’t see those tracks I follow. When I look up I see the horizon and the opportunities that lay just out of reach.. and its only when I look down and try to focus that I see the occasional line of train track that inevitably seems to be guiding my direction.
A powerful metaphor I hope.
Let me try to explain what I mean.
Take my ACCAs as an example. I come from a very close knit family, and as a result I was born into a very strong support system. We are always there for one another and so I’ve never had to embark on anything without blessings and support from them.. yet in the instance when I choose to do my ACCAs they refused to support me.. rather choosing to stand against me and insist that the decision was a bad one and that I already had a good job that I shouldn’t walk away from it. I bit my bottom lip and did what my heart told me I should... todate I found this to be my biggest motivational factor.. failing to achieve my ACCAs would have undoubtedly provided an opportunity to say ‘we told you not to do this’.. and thus falling flat on my face was not an option I would ever have found acceptable.. so I worked like a bitch and put everything on hold in order to achieve this goal.. everything and everyone (even myself).. and I’m not going to hesitate in saying that it was their lack of support that propelled me forwards and I never allowed myself to waver or to accept defeat. I look at many of my friends doing their ACCAs and with their supportive family networks they often seem to lack the drive that forced me forwards so strongly.
I can’t shake the feeling that it could have been fate that a family who have ALWAYS supported my every decision in my career chose not to support me.. almost like it was in order for me to find the motivation to achieve what thousands fail each year to do.
Another example is X. When I met him.. I had the potential to fall hard.. harder than I have ever fallen for anyone.. and despite the fact that I am closer to him than any other guy in my life.. having suffered from the claw-back of a three-way emotional triangle with a certain someone of Mexican origin early last year.. I approached X with caution (the comment I had made in a previous post rings true here.. when I said the more I discover about him.. the more distance builds between us and the closer we get). This old memory has enabled me to flirt with X but remain completely emotionally disconnected. The last week I’ve discovered a side to X that makes me so glad I am so emotionally detached. I always wondered what the reason behind Alex being in my life was.. I feel this was it.. to enable me to have X in my life and retain emotional detachment. But meeting X has brought people into my life that I think I was destined to meet (I know how this sounds.. but work with me here).. two of his closest friends are now amongst my closest friends. One of whom I spoke with for over 2 hours on the phone (after maybe spending maybe an hour with him in person). The other has almost become an elder brother of sorts.
Even with work. I was so cut up on the day when I heard that I didn’t get the Lloyds TSB job that I applied for.. I returned home and applied to a role I saw on the NHS website with a great deal of fervour and strife. The only application I made that whole week. This role has turned into what can only be described as a dream job. Its training is unparallel and will provide just about everything in a career one can dream of. Have I said yet that I was offered this role even before they interviewed all the candidates and I have accepted it?
Fate at work maybe?
I can give dozens of things in my life recently as examples but I’ll stop there coz its almost eerie to think about.
Anyone else feeling the Goosebumps?
Monday, February 18, 2008
Above It All
Here I stand on the crest of Mount Life.
It feels good. The breeze carries a crisp freshness that almost makes all of ones woes float away. Almost. Nothing is exactly right but nothing can touch me right now.
I am above it all.
I am stronger than ever before.
In fact I am invincible.
For I am proud!
The moment is priceless.
A true MasterCard moment.
The path has been tough.. I have lain in bed with thorns and daggers, fought a bitter winter that robbed me of hope, lost footing in the arms of war, and worse was the brush with the need to yield. But never did I waver.. never did I bow my head.. never did I accept defeat.
... and now that I have found my way outta the dark twisting perilous tunnel I am bathed in a glorious light.
I have seen my most treasured dream come true.
I have passed my final exams and achieved what I have strived so hard to do this these last couple of years.
Can anything touch me now.. I think not.
It feels good. The breeze carries a crisp freshness that almost makes all of ones woes float away. Almost. Nothing is exactly right but nothing can touch me right now.
I am above it all.
I am stronger than ever before.
In fact I am invincible.
For I am proud!
The moment is priceless.
A true MasterCard moment.
The path has been tough.. I have lain in bed with thorns and daggers, fought a bitter winter that robbed me of hope, lost footing in the arms of war, and worse was the brush with the need to yield. But never did I waver.. never did I bow my head.. never did I accept defeat.
... and now that I have found my way outta the dark twisting perilous tunnel I am bathed in a glorious light.
I have seen my most treasured dream come true.
I have passed my final exams and achieved what I have strived so hard to do this these last couple of years.
Can anything touch me now.. I think not.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
My Anti Valentine
I'm not sure how the fuck I get myself into these fixs but despite having plans for Valentines Eve tonight.. I scraped those and decided to go out with X and his *coughs* lover *laughs* to watch Jodhaa Akbar instead.. a Hindi love story.
Wanna guess what my original plans were? I was gonna go see the same movie (albiet sans X)
But I think I have a screw loose in my head. When did my world get so twisted that I find it okay to go out (on Valentines Eve) with X and his lover? And that he finds it okay to invite me along?
Seriously I have to find the brakes on this before it gets completely out of hand. Yet less than 24 hours ago we just agreed to get more hands on each other *sighs*
Damn it. What am I doing to myself?
HAPPY VALENTINES Y'ALL
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
A Silver Lining
The dark cloud hanging overhead seems to have for the better part dissipated, and the resistance to blogging is somewhat lighter.. ironically the weather in London is also quite nice right now too. Not nice like it would be Dubai or anything but nice in the sense that it is neither raining nor snowing, in fact right now the sun is out.. which considering its February is simply shocking.
I’m pretty certain that I have a job sorted out too. Since it’s a public sector job.. whilst I’ve received an offer.. it is not quite yet an official offer yet.. as that can only be made after certain procedures such as references are obtained. But as if my current employer is gonna give me a bad reference.. they love me :o)
As for things with X.. things are actually really well. We’ve had some eyebrows being raised.. ironically we both tell the other when someone mentions how close we’re getting.. I can’t believe its only been three weeks since I met him.. it feels like I’ve never not known him.
I think it would be fairly pointless for me to say I’m very tongue in cheek.. but what is one supposed to think when a young man practically strips in front of you.. Does one assume an invitation has been offered?
X had plans on Friday night.. and I’m not even sure how I ended up at his place to help him decide what to wear.. but I did. I sat on his bed while he tried on virtually everything in his closet. Having spent over an hour watching him dress.. err maybe perv is a better word… I had to finally tell him to put his pants back on. There are limits to how much one can perv. After having decided what he would wear he jumped into the shower.
I was mildly taken aback when having had a shower he stepped into the room still dripping wet with nothing but his towel draped across his waist. Holey sweet Jesus.. it took all my resistance to not jump him (his mum was in the room next door). He then attempted (and yes I stress attempted) to put a fresh pair of boxers on without completely exposing himself. Seriously there was no sexual energy in the room up until this point but all of a sudden there was oodles of it. I’m pretty certain that he unintentionally got hard and was no longer able to slip them on as a result without that being made obvious. He retreated to the bathroom with boxers in hand and I took the opportunity to adjust myself. Hot damn. When he returned all he said was ‘I’m so shameless.’ We spoke no more of it.
But seriously.. would anyone else in the same scenario assume that this was an invitation?
And then the other day, unable to ignore it anymore we broached the subject, since up to that point, we only skirted around it. We were on MSN and he said he was going to bed coz he had a headache... and then out of the blue this happened…
X: You missing me?
Me: No.. not really
X: Don’t lie
Me: A little
X: I know your waiting for the day I spend 2 hours taking and putting on my clothes in front of you again
Me: No not really
X: Don’t pretend you didn’t have a woody
X: HAHA
Me: No seriously I’m not waiting for that.. I’m waiting for you to take ALL your clothes off
X: Hmmm
X: How long you prepared to wait
Me: How long you planning on making me wait?
X: Not sure
Me: I get bored easily
X: Well then your loss
Me: Your getting as bad as me
X mentions Crush at this point.. he knows I fancy and flirt with him too. I enjoy toying with him but right now I don’t want to talk about Crush so I steer the conversation back to me and him.
X: Honestly speaking if I came onto you would you not push me away?
Me: Dunno.. try and see
X: No I’m too scared
Me: Well I would have come onto you ages ago if I didn’t have some reservations.
The conversation gets personal with details I don’t want to talk about here. We talk about some of these reservations.
X: Anyway you maybe lucky next time I may go beyond the boxers...only after u sit for 2 hours helping me decide though.
Me: Maybe I’ll help you out of your boxers
X: And then what?
Me: Depends.. where might YOU want to take it? If your asking if I'd have sex with you.. maybe. I AM attracted to you.. I've made that bait from day 1 as far as I'm concerned
Me: But IF.. and I stress if.. we go there.. right now.. it would be very much NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
X: Definitely.
An interesting conversation, wouldn’t you say?
Seems to me.. that he wants me to make the first move.
Yet despite all my forwardness.. I've rarely ever had to make a first move. I normally indicate my interest and allow myself to be pursued. But seems like I might have to make an exception for X.
I’m pretty certain that I have a job sorted out too. Since it’s a public sector job.. whilst I’ve received an offer.. it is not quite yet an official offer yet.. as that can only be made after certain procedures such as references are obtained. But as if my current employer is gonna give me a bad reference.. they love me :o)
As for things with X.. things are actually really well. We’ve had some eyebrows being raised.. ironically we both tell the other when someone mentions how close we’re getting.. I can’t believe its only been three weeks since I met him.. it feels like I’ve never not known him.
I think it would be fairly pointless for me to say I’m very tongue in cheek.. but what is one supposed to think when a young man practically strips in front of you.. Does one assume an invitation has been offered?
X had plans on Friday night.. and I’m not even sure how I ended up at his place to help him decide what to wear.. but I did. I sat on his bed while he tried on virtually everything in his closet. Having spent over an hour watching him dress.. err maybe perv is a better word… I had to finally tell him to put his pants back on. There are limits to how much one can perv. After having decided what he would wear he jumped into the shower.
I was mildly taken aback when having had a shower he stepped into the room still dripping wet with nothing but his towel draped across his waist. Holey sweet Jesus.. it took all my resistance to not jump him (his mum was in the room next door). He then attempted (and yes I stress attempted) to put a fresh pair of boxers on without completely exposing himself. Seriously there was no sexual energy in the room up until this point but all of a sudden there was oodles of it. I’m pretty certain that he unintentionally got hard and was no longer able to slip them on as a result without that being made obvious. He retreated to the bathroom with boxers in hand and I took the opportunity to adjust myself. Hot damn. When he returned all he said was ‘I’m so shameless.’ We spoke no more of it.
But seriously.. would anyone else in the same scenario assume that this was an invitation?
And then the other day, unable to ignore it anymore we broached the subject, since up to that point, we only skirted around it. We were on MSN and he said he was going to bed coz he had a headache... and then out of the blue this happened…
X: You missing me?
Me: No.. not really
X: Don’t lie
Me: A little
X: I know your waiting for the day I spend 2 hours taking and putting on my clothes in front of you again
Me: No not really
X: Don’t pretend you didn’t have a woody
X: HAHA
Me: No seriously I’m not waiting for that.. I’m waiting for you to take ALL your clothes off
X: Hmmm
X: How long you prepared to wait
Me: How long you planning on making me wait?
X: Not sure
Me: I get bored easily
X: Well then your loss
Me: Your getting as bad as me
X mentions Crush at this point.. he knows I fancy and flirt with him too. I enjoy toying with him but right now I don’t want to talk about Crush so I steer the conversation back to me and him.
X: Honestly speaking if I came onto you would you not push me away?
Me: Dunno.. try and see
X: No I’m too scared
Me: Well I would have come onto you ages ago if I didn’t have some reservations.
The conversation gets personal with details I don’t want to talk about here. We talk about some of these reservations.
X: Anyway you maybe lucky next time I may go beyond the boxers...only after u sit for 2 hours helping me decide though.
Me: Maybe I’ll help you out of your boxers
X: And then what?
Me: Depends.. where might YOU want to take it? If your asking if I'd have sex with you.. maybe. I AM attracted to you.. I've made that bait from day 1 as far as I'm concerned
Me: But IF.. and I stress if.. we go there.. right now.. it would be very much NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
X: Definitely.
An interesting conversation, wouldn’t you say?
Seems to me.. that he wants me to make the first move.
Yet despite all my forwardness.. I've rarely ever had to make a first move. I normally indicate my interest and allow myself to be pursued. But seems like I might have to make an exception for X.