First of all I just wanna thank everyone for the kinds comments and words of support so far.
I believe I'm dealing with this much better than I originally estimated.
Things still are strained between my Aunt and I - and yesterday my mum picked up on that - and asked what the matter was... so obviously it isn't my mind playing tricks on me. I brushed her off saying she has things on her mind. I'm not sure whether it is a good thing yet to tell my mum. I've been debating with myself whether or not to tell her. I love her dearly and the impression I get from my Aunt is that she hasn't recovered from it herself and if my mum falls to pieces over it... it will fall on my Aunt to sort it out and my Aunt is not in a state to help herself let alone another.
But something that has me concerned is my nonchalance attitude to all this. It's almost like I barely spare a thought to the fact that I've just come out to my Aunt - in fact what is more on my mind is that my close friend J is pregnant.
J is a bit of a pickle. Going back almost 15 years she met a guy called Ant. They dated and fell in love. After living together they bought a property together. Then 2 years back he broke up with her saying he needed space. Things were not the same. They went from sleeping in the same bed to sleeping in different rooms. They still live together and despite things not being perfect they work. Then a year ago J met this guy who she started sleeping with - Ant did not appreciate this and an awkwardness sprang up between them. Now neither is financially able to buy the other out. What I failed to mention is this guy J is seeing is much much younger than her and isn't very likely to be able to support her financially or provide her with what she needs in a man in the long term. Now with Ant things are strained as it is and added to the burden that the father of the baby is Indian and J has no idea what the skin tone of the child will be - so any hope that things between Ant and J working out are slim as the baby will act as a daily reminder that the baby is not Ant's and Ant's tolerance of J sleeping/dating other men is minimal. On one hand Ant talks as if it has nothing to do with him and on the other he asks what he will tell the neighbours when they congratulate him. Now she is a very close friend of the pregnant workmate whose wedding I attended in December and it strikes me as ironic as to the complex nature of the three of our lives and I had a really good laugh about that with J on Monday when I told her I was gay and she told me she was pregnant - funny thing is I asked her almost 2 months ago if she was pregnant and she said yes and I thought she was joking. Turned out she was serious and I just refused to believe her.
So that's now four people I've told. Three mates and my Aunt. I'm planning on telling pregnant workmate about it on Saturday next time I'm at work.
But like I said I'm concerned with how much indifference I'm treating this with - Alex claims it's only natural but I'm not sure I buy that. I have a nasty feeling I'm avoiding the topic subconsciously and in the long term I'm not dealing with it. On the other hand I'm systematically telling people as and when they cross my path so I'm not really avoiding it either.
I've tried to strike up a few conversations with my Aunt but she is going through the phase of pretending nothing is wrong and I'm surprised it's not infruriating me. I borrowed a book called A Stranger In The Family: How To Cope If Your Child Is Gay - I think it will help her if she gives it a chance but she refuses to look at the book and says she isn't interested in the slightest.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
The Note
I woke up this morning and found this note outside my door....
Amit, come back from the darkness you are heading towards.... I beg you. There is NOTHING there. I'll do my utmost to help you - as I always have.
Don't kill mum & me in this way.
Love XXXXXX* xx
I had a late start today and so I was still in bed when she left.
My response (via email)
Thank you for such kind words so early in my day. I knew I could count on you for always being there for me. Even in such darkness your light is so very bright. Whatever have I done to deserve you? It pains me that I'm obviously not worthy of such unwavering love and devotion.
I didn't expect you to embrace this - I'm no fool but if you open your eyes beyond the apparent darkness you fear I'm in - you'll see that I'm no different than I was last week, last year or however far back you want to go. Nothing has changed - you are just seeing the truth behind the lies - the reality rather than what you want to see. This is not something I've chosen - which is something you fail to understand. I didn't choose this. I didn't as much as you believe otherwise. No one chooses this. We deal with it or we don't - if we don't deal with it... it destroys us from within. But there is no escape. No matter how much you wish there was.
I'm sorry if I sound patronising but all I hear when you speak is 'me me me' - this is hard for me too - if not harder than it is for you. It's not easy - it won't be. And I'm not purposely trying to kill you or mum. But if that is what you think - I can't do anything to show you otherwise.
My only words of comfort is in time you may look at things differently.... you may or you may not... only time will really tell. I'm sorry but I refuse to let this eat me up from the inside - destroying me from within - until there is nothing left. Because this is the cost of doing as you suggest. Is this what you want for me?
Amit x
But I was so annoyed this morning that I wrote that without thinking. I have yet to recieve a reply.
Did I do the right thing or should I have ignored the note? I'm so confused. I've already sent her that email on impulse but I'm beginning to question if maybe I pushed back too hard. Did my response sound insensitive.
Please advice....
* she used the nickname I use when I speak to her
Amit, come back from the darkness you are heading towards.... I beg you. There is NOTHING there. I'll do my utmost to help you - as I always have.
Don't kill mum & me in this way.
Love XXXXXX* xx
I had a late start today and so I was still in bed when she left.
My response (via email)
Thank you for such kind words so early in my day. I knew I could count on you for always being there for me. Even in such darkness your light is so very bright. Whatever have I done to deserve you? It pains me that I'm obviously not worthy of such unwavering love and devotion.
I didn't expect you to embrace this - I'm no fool but if you open your eyes beyond the apparent darkness you fear I'm in - you'll see that I'm no different than I was last week, last year or however far back you want to go. Nothing has changed - you are just seeing the truth behind the lies - the reality rather than what you want to see. This is not something I've chosen - which is something you fail to understand. I didn't choose this. I didn't as much as you believe otherwise. No one chooses this. We deal with it or we don't - if we don't deal with it... it destroys us from within. But there is no escape. No matter how much you wish there was.
I'm sorry if I sound patronising but all I hear when you speak is 'me me me' - this is hard for me too - if not harder than it is for you. It's not easy - it won't be. And I'm not purposely trying to kill you or mum. But if that is what you think - I can't do anything to show you otherwise.
My only words of comfort is in time you may look at things differently.... you may or you may not... only time will really tell. I'm sorry but I refuse to let this eat me up from the inside - destroying me from within - until there is nothing left. Because this is the cost of doing as you suggest. Is this what you want for me?
Amit x
But I was so annoyed this morning that I wrote that without thinking. I have yet to recieve a reply.
Did I do the right thing or should I have ignored the note? I'm so confused. I've already sent her that email on impulse but I'm beginning to question if maybe I pushed back too hard. Did my response sound insensitive.
Please advice....
* she used the nickname I use when I speak to her
Monday, March 26, 2007
'The Perfect Storm' Arrives
Wow after my last post I’m unsure of how exactly to write this post.
Well I think a good point would be Sunday.
It was my best friend’s engagement party. Yes my sweetest and oldest friend Jyoti (Jo) is getting married. Yay. She looked absolutely smashing and I was so very happy for her.
After the ceremony which included her and her other half exchanging rings, and sipping sweetened milk, we moved on to her house – I was one of the few attendees requested to visit her new home to be. As there were so many people with cars, we all decided to make our own separate ways to her place. I offered a close friend Priti (Prit) a lift as she had been dropped off.
As we sat driving to Jo’s place, Prit asked me if I was seeing anyone – this is after I quizzed her about her boyfriend David. I replied as I quite often do – ‘don’t ask’. But as if something clicked I had a desire to continue ‘It’s complicated’ I said. ‘Yeah I bet’ was her response… and that point I was really lost for words and didn’t know how exactly to continue so I just blurted out
“I’m not straight” – the look on her face confirmed this thought had never ever occurred to her. And almost as if a dam had burst I filled her in this the intimate details of my life - past, present and future. It somehow just felt right and after making it my news years resolution to tell new people I meet I’m gay and not lie about it – I just felt right. She was great about it and said all the right things to me – which was fantastic.
But that caused a problem – as much as some people lie about it – there are always some friends you are closer to, and are slightly more important to you, than others. Now Prit is also a very close and personal friend but having known Jo since I was practically in diapers means I consider Jo to be my best friend, and I had yet to tell her. I spoke to her some years ago when I first met a guy I started to fall for and that coincided with one of her close mates Bilal (Baz) coming out and the hell his family put him through (he was disowned for the record) and was able to offer invaluable advice.
So I kinda blurted it out to Jo at the first moment that presented itself. The minute I had I regretted it. For one I think I owed it to her to explain that a little bit more tactfully than I did and two I announced this to her on her engagement day which was very inconsiderate of me. But she took it rather well, there was shock on her face but unfortunately we didn’t get to talk about it but now that she knows we will find time in the near future.
I meet Baz for the first time. I heard Jo mention him so many time that’s I almost felt like I knew him personally – but meeting him in real life was great. He is a real sweetheart and we clicked together very well. He obviously didn’t know I am gay and I didn’t say but we sat next to each other and talked at great length – I noticed at several times he touched me quite often. I find I do this when I’m flirting and I got the real vibe that he fancied me. But he is with someone and I’m a firm believer two gay people can be friends without having sex and wanting to have sex. As we were sat next to each other – Jo’s finance’s younger brother took a picture of us. Well he was taking pictures of everyone but he showed us the picture of us two. The sunlight from the window fell on me and left Baz in the dark but it was an incredible picture. It looked well romantic – which we had a proper giggle about. He is such a genuinely great guy that we exchanged contact details and said we’d get in touch. Which meant I had Prit take down his email address and requested she forward it to me as was too tired to take my phone out and fumble about with it. But I do intend to get in touch at some point.
The engagement started at 10AM – to make matters worse UK time went forward (so I lost an hour) and my niece had a awoke from a bad dream and in tears insisted to be dropped off as my house - she claimed she saw a monster sitting in the corner of her room and she has always felt safe with me nearby – so she cried and cried and frustrated at 3AM my brother rang me and asked if she could spend the night at ours. We agreed and my brother dropped her off. So when I had to get up and get ready - I was shattered and that residual tiredness stayed with me throughout the whole day.
It was 8PM when I got to my mum’s and 11PM before I got home. Frustrated and tired I just wanted bed. But I knew that the time to have the talk was now. My Aunt was in the kitchen and I wanted to get it over and done with.
So I did.
I told her unblinkingly I was gay.
Her first reaction was to say ‘No you are not – your only pretending’
I laughed. I didn’t mean to. I tried to steer the conversation into a more serious direction. I had the starts of a giggling fit. And that wouldn’t help her original comment.
If I said I could recall the entire conversation I’d be lying.
There was so many awkward silences and ‘what nows?’ I lost count.
She said she couldn’t accept it. And the truth is I don’t think she will ever.
And right now I feel about the size of a pea.
I think she hates me.
I’ve never seen disappointment so strongly in her eyes.
She is more concerned with what people will think than how I feel.
She doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to look other people in the eye.
She asked me how I could do this to her.
She asked me how I could do this to my mother.
She called me sick.
She called gay people sick.
She claimed the lifestyle I was choosing was sick.
She said she would be embarrassed of me.
She accused me of not caring about her.
She asked if this is my way of repaying all the sacrifices she’s made.
She asked me ‘what will she say to others’.
She claimed I’d be the death of her.
She went to bed crying.
But worst of all - she said that if she were dying she’d not call me for help.
Well I think a good point would be Sunday.
It was my best friend’s engagement party. Yes my sweetest and oldest friend Jyoti (Jo) is getting married. Yay. She looked absolutely smashing and I was so very happy for her.
After the ceremony which included her and her other half exchanging rings, and sipping sweetened milk, we moved on to her house – I was one of the few attendees requested to visit her new home to be. As there were so many people with cars, we all decided to make our own separate ways to her place. I offered a close friend Priti (Prit) a lift as she had been dropped off.
As we sat driving to Jo’s place, Prit asked me if I was seeing anyone – this is after I quizzed her about her boyfriend David. I replied as I quite often do – ‘don’t ask’. But as if something clicked I had a desire to continue ‘It’s complicated’ I said. ‘Yeah I bet’ was her response… and that point I was really lost for words and didn’t know how exactly to continue so I just blurted out
“I’m not straight” – the look on her face confirmed this thought had never ever occurred to her. And almost as if a dam had burst I filled her in this the intimate details of my life - past, present and future. It somehow just felt right and after making it my news years resolution to tell new people I meet I’m gay and not lie about it – I just felt right. She was great about it and said all the right things to me – which was fantastic.
But that caused a problem – as much as some people lie about it – there are always some friends you are closer to, and are slightly more important to you, than others. Now Prit is also a very close and personal friend but having known Jo since I was practically in diapers means I consider Jo to be my best friend, and I had yet to tell her. I spoke to her some years ago when I first met a guy I started to fall for and that coincided with one of her close mates Bilal (Baz) coming out and the hell his family put him through (he was disowned for the record) and was able to offer invaluable advice.
So I kinda blurted it out to Jo at the first moment that presented itself. The minute I had I regretted it. For one I think I owed it to her to explain that a little bit more tactfully than I did and two I announced this to her on her engagement day which was very inconsiderate of me. But she took it rather well, there was shock on her face but unfortunately we didn’t get to talk about it but now that she knows we will find time in the near future.
I meet Baz for the first time. I heard Jo mention him so many time that’s I almost felt like I knew him personally – but meeting him in real life was great. He is a real sweetheart and we clicked together very well. He obviously didn’t know I am gay and I didn’t say but we sat next to each other and talked at great length – I noticed at several times he touched me quite often. I find I do this when I’m flirting and I got the real vibe that he fancied me. But he is with someone and I’m a firm believer two gay people can be friends without having sex and wanting to have sex. As we were sat next to each other – Jo’s finance’s younger brother took a picture of us. Well he was taking pictures of everyone but he showed us the picture of us two. The sunlight from the window fell on me and left Baz in the dark but it was an incredible picture. It looked well romantic – which we had a proper giggle about. He is such a genuinely great guy that we exchanged contact details and said we’d get in touch. Which meant I had Prit take down his email address and requested she forward it to me as was too tired to take my phone out and fumble about with it. But I do intend to get in touch at some point.
The engagement started at 10AM – to make matters worse UK time went forward (so I lost an hour) and my niece had a awoke from a bad dream and in tears insisted to be dropped off as my house - she claimed she saw a monster sitting in the corner of her room and she has always felt safe with me nearby – so she cried and cried and frustrated at 3AM my brother rang me and asked if she could spend the night at ours. We agreed and my brother dropped her off. So when I had to get up and get ready - I was shattered and that residual tiredness stayed with me throughout the whole day.
It was 8PM when I got to my mum’s and 11PM before I got home. Frustrated and tired I just wanted bed. But I knew that the time to have the talk was now. My Aunt was in the kitchen and I wanted to get it over and done with.
So I did.
I told her unblinkingly I was gay.
Her first reaction was to say ‘No you are not – your only pretending’
I laughed. I didn’t mean to. I tried to steer the conversation into a more serious direction. I had the starts of a giggling fit. And that wouldn’t help her original comment.
If I said I could recall the entire conversation I’d be lying.
There was so many awkward silences and ‘what nows?’ I lost count.
She said she couldn’t accept it. And the truth is I don’t think she will ever.
And right now I feel about the size of a pea.
I think she hates me.
I’ve never seen disappointment so strongly in her eyes.
She is more concerned with what people will think than how I feel.
She doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to look other people in the eye.
She asked me how I could do this to her.
She asked me how I could do this to my mother.
She called me sick.
She called gay people sick.
She claimed the lifestyle I was choosing was sick.
She said she would be embarrassed of me.
She accused me of not caring about her.
She asked if this is my way of repaying all the sacrifices she’s made.
She asked me ‘what will she say to others’.
She claimed I’d be the death of her.
She went to bed crying.
But worst of all - she said that if she were dying she’d not call me for help.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Weatherman Claims A Storm Is Approaching
Apologies for such a long delay in posting... It would appear I'm suffering from Writer's Block.
My heart just doesn't seem in posting as of late. It's definitely not as a lack of life's complications and ironies, rather the complete opposite.
I'm restless. Nothing seems quite enough.
I'm wanton.
And despite making it a daily point to read the numerous blogs that seem to be just as important as having breakfast - I've found I just can't be bothered to write a new post.
I imagine it was something like this that J K Rowling suffered in the middle of writing 'Goblet of Fire'.
But since I'm here and posting I may as well give you what is currently paramount on my mind today.
Ever had the feeling that things just aren't right and there seems no better time to implement change, but the time just doesn't present itself to do so despite everything being just there shining out of reach?
I think I'm at one of those pivotal points in my life, where I no longer feel able to deal and I need to force change.
I believe I've made the first step in coming out.
I told my Aunt that we have something to talk about - something the both of us have been tiptoeing around for years now and she agreed (the fact that I'm gay)... but the time we had this conversation was most inappropriate to continue so we rescheduled, but I left nothing to her imagine as what it was I wanted to discuss. I'm beginning to regret that decision as I've found 2 days have passed and there seems to be no further mention from her regarding this.
Yesterday I mentioned as we walked to my mum's place for dinner - that we have not yet has 'the talk' we mentioned the other day - at which point she relied 'yes soon - I know I'm in for a big disappointment'. If it will just be disappointment I think this talk may go better than I ever imagined. Truth is I've given her almost 8 years to get use to the idea that I'm gay - not directly but without leaving any doubt. We then continued to tip-toe around each other without ever mentioning the G word. So I knew when I finally decided to tell her - the shock factor would never be an issue. I'm cautious like that, but I think that may work in my favour this time.
Problem is that the both of us have been and will be so busy:
Friday AM - She was at work
Friday PM - She had tuition - she teaches Gujarati to two young school girls
Saturday AM - I was at work
Saturday PM - we had/have guests
Sunday AM - I have my best friend's Engagement
Sunday PM - She plans to visit Temple as it is a Holy Day
Monday AM - Both of us are at work
Monday PM - 'Maybe this will be the moment'
But that is almost 2 days away.
I'm not sure if I can hold on to my nerves that long. My being gay has never played on my mind so much as it has the last few days.
[SSD takes a very deep breath] - maybe just maybe the next time I write a new post I'll be out to my Aunt. Fingers crossed - I think I'm done with this tip-toeing around now.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Canna 'ave a hug?
I woke up feeling very blue.
It's not anyone's fault. Actually it so is - but that's not what is important.
What is important is I need a hug. Actually lots and lots of hugs.
The picture below really sums up how I feel today
It's not anyone's fault. Actually it so is - but that's not what is important.
What is important is I need a hug. Actually lots and lots of hugs.
The picture below really sums up how I feel today
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
I've Been Tagged I Tell Ya
Further to Billy Boys post a few days ago - it would appear I've been tagged - thanks Billy
[SSD wonders how to tell Billy he has better things to do without hurting his feelings]
This means I have to reveal FIVE things about myself that no one (or most people) won’t know. And then I'm meant to tag five other bloggers to carry on the game.
[SSD glares at Billy but realises Billy can't see and wonders just how much of an idiot SSD really is]
Oh fuck it. Its probably easier to do the bladdy thing.
OK so here goes...
1. I’m severely allergic to dust (this is well known within my family only - I guess that counts!) and I’m forever sneezing and taking antihistamine to lead a normal life. What a fucked up thing to have an allergy to next to Peanuts, Milk, Wheat & Semen – yes there are people out there with an allergy to semen – women with this allergy are unable to have babies (how heartbreaking is that?) - so anyway I have a special pillow, pillow case, duvet, duvet cover, and mattress cover. They are made of a funny kind of plastic in order to prevent dust mites breeding like crazy so make my life a touch more bearable, it would appear that the average household mattress is home to millions and millions of little dust mites (whose faeces are the cause of the allergy) - I did not know this up till I was 16 by which time I spent my childhood with what appeared to be an eternal flu.
[SSD sneezes]
2. I have a grey hair (OK OK OK a few more than one)
[SSD breaths calmly to avoid having a panic attack]
But thankfully no grey pubes (yet!)
[SSD breaths deeply a sigh of relief]
3. I had a circumcision when I was 18. Very few people know this. In fact I can count on one hand the people that do. This is very unusual for someone of Indian origin. I think I may be the only person in the entire family tree to be circumcised, ever. It was the most excruciating thing I have ever, ever had to endure. Since I was 18 - I was a walking hard-on (I still am for those interested in that info) and every time I had a hard-on the stitches pulled causing unbearable indescribable pain. And I had a hard-on every 3 minutes at that age. You can still see the places where the stitches were. Ouch.
4. Tattoos really turn me on. They can drastically increase my libido. They are a major major major turn on (see how I used major 3 times). Wanna make me swoon in delight flash me your tattoo, with me that works better than a chat up line anyday. I'm feeling frisky just thinking about them.
5. I love symmetry. Everything in my room is as symmetrical as possible. Displays of photos & posters, etc. Even my tattoo design is symmetrical. Probably something to do with my perfectionist ways.
The five people I'm not gonna tag are
Alex
Gayboy
Tequilla
Gay Jay
Otherside
PS - Please note that no-one is obliged to do this except Alex. For Alex - IT IS A MUST.
[SSD wonders how to tell Billy he has better things to do without hurting his feelings]
This means I have to reveal FIVE things about myself that no one (or most people) won’t know. And then I'm meant to tag five other bloggers to carry on the game.
[SSD glares at Billy but realises Billy can't see and wonders just how much of an idiot SSD really is]
Oh fuck it. Its probably easier to do the bladdy thing.
OK so here goes...
1. I’m severely allergic to dust (this is well known within my family only - I guess that counts!) and I’m forever sneezing and taking antihistamine to lead a normal life. What a fucked up thing to have an allergy to next to Peanuts, Milk, Wheat & Semen – yes there are people out there with an allergy to semen – women with this allergy are unable to have babies (how heartbreaking is that?) - so anyway I have a special pillow, pillow case, duvet, duvet cover, and mattress cover. They are made of a funny kind of plastic in order to prevent dust mites breeding like crazy so make my life a touch more bearable, it would appear that the average household mattress is home to millions and millions of little dust mites (whose faeces are the cause of the allergy) - I did not know this up till I was 16 by which time I spent my childhood with what appeared to be an eternal flu.
[SSD sneezes]
2. I have a grey hair (OK OK OK a few more than one)
[SSD breaths calmly to avoid having a panic attack]
But thankfully no grey pubes (yet!)
[SSD breaths deeply a sigh of relief]
3. I had a circumcision when I was 18. Very few people know this. In fact I can count on one hand the people that do. This is very unusual for someone of Indian origin. I think I may be the only person in the entire family tree to be circumcised, ever. It was the most excruciating thing I have ever, ever had to endure. Since I was 18 - I was a walking hard-on (I still am for those interested in that info) and every time I had a hard-on the stitches pulled causing unbearable indescribable pain. And I had a hard-on every 3 minutes at that age. You can still see the places where the stitches were. Ouch.
4. Tattoos really turn me on. They can drastically increase my libido. They are a major major major turn on (see how I used major 3 times). Wanna make me swoon in delight flash me your tattoo, with me that works better than a chat up line anyday. I'm feeling frisky just thinking about them.
5. I love symmetry. Everything in my room is as symmetrical as possible. Displays of photos & posters, etc. Even my tattoo design is symmetrical. Probably something to do with my perfectionist ways.
The five people I'm not gonna tag are
Alex
Gayboy
Tequilla
Gay Jay
Otherside
PS - Please note that no-one is obliged to do this except Alex. For Alex - IT IS A MUST.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Damn It Life Really Is Short
Damn it. This penning all my thoughts, no matter how personal they are, on my blog idea, that seemed a good idea at the start, is beginning to chafe me somewhat now. This post is very personal, gritty, and raw. I just hope I don’t come across a real bastard in it for a specific said important someone. But maybe all good relationships shouldn’t have secrets, that way there isn’t much left that could hurt or surprise the other.
Grrrr.
I received an email from a friend, a forward about people and love. I’ll post it shortly but it struck a cord in my heart that had me thinking of my ex (not in a ‘I want to get back together’ sort of way) and the new guy in my life.
I’ve already mentioned Sid, my ex, in my Valentine Mayhem post some time ago in February. One of the biggest reasons we didn’t work out was the sheer fact that he haunted every step I took. Which sometimes was sweet and at others damn near infuriating. He would text me and if I hadn’t replied in about 30 seconds, or within 2 minutes MAX (I’d timed this once to illustrate a point to a friend who said I was being overcritical and harsh), I’d be bombarded with text after text after text demanding to know why I wasn’t replying, whether I was upset with him, did he say anything to upset me, was I OK, was I busy, could I just let him know I was OK, could I just let him know I was OK with him, etc. I always think of the Destiny’s Child ‘Bug A Boo’ when I think of Sid – it’s like I hear the name SID and there is an audible click in my head and the track starts to play.
Maybe it wasn’t meant to be with Sid. I never felt butterflies the way I’m feeling now. I never missed him when he wasn’t around, don’t get me wrong here I’m not trying to say I didn’t think about him at all – it’s just there was no obsessive need to be with him at all times. I think the worst part of it was he fell for me much much much faster and deeper than I fell for him. Offset against my style of playing things cool and in a calculated way in the start, his constant need to be the centre of my attention made him appear needy, desperate and I’ll say this lightly as to not cause offence but somewhat annoying, worse not only to my friends but also to me. He had been hurt in relationships before and he said he felt in his soul that I would never consciously hurt him. I wouldn’t consciously but I imagine not falling for him may have caused him some pain inadvertently. But I’m only human, and I never did utter words such as ‘I love you’ to him. I didn’t love him and it would be me lying if I said I did. He on the other hand told me he loved me about 20 times a day. I liked him and often said I really really like you – which was true.
I don’t know if it’s just me but do the words ‘I Love You’ not mean something. Something profoundly endearing and meaningful. I hate the fact that it’s difficult to express yourself without using the words I LOVE YOU and not sound completely sincere. When I utter those words I mean them, every single one. I never lightly use those three words… if I say them I really mean them.
Anyways I seem to be side stepping the real point of writing this post – sorry this has the feeling of being a long soppy one. Be warned. So this is what the friend emailed me. I’ve edited it slightly… I’ve made it slightly more gay... There was a girl there at some point, but she is irrelevant here today. Besides it’s the words that are important not the picture.
See now those are beautiful words but up until recently I’d not have truly understood just how true and heartfelt those words are or can be. It made me think of Sid because he saw within me I guess that… he probably genuinely began to love me within a very short period. Alas for him, it wasn’t mutual and life has a cruel harshness to it that destroyed the naivety of it.
But with this new guy I feel like that cool collected person I was and am is like a distant memory. I’ve never felt needy or desperate before in my life. But this guy has me doing things I didn’t think I’d ever be doing. I sit down and wonder what this guy must be doing practically all the time. I feel so restless. I have this urge to talk to him all the time. And even sometimes when I’m busy I still need to feel he is there just a keyboard, mouse and monitor away. And if he isn’t there just a keyboard, mouse and monitor away I can’t wait till he is. And finally when he is, and even when I have nothing to say to him I feel reassured that he is there, not to far away. I have to muster all my will to not send him an email saying ‘where are you?’, ‘what are you doing?’ when he isn’t. This post will completely negate all those hundreds of messages I’ve resisted sending – coz here in black and white – I’m admitting to being completely utterly and madly addicted to him. I don’t feel in control of my actions anymore.
And if that wasn’t bad enough both of us are at points in our lives where our respective studies are vitally important and excruciatingly demanding and we both need to allocate sufficient time to that aspect of our lives too or else suffer severe repercussions. He is doing a degree in the excessively difficult and demanding engineering area and is in his penultimate year. And I’m doing the worse and hardest part of a Professional Accountancy Qualification which is beyond a Masters standard in my penultimate term, and really both of us can ill afford such obsessive needy behaviour.
Let me give you an example… for two days in a row (a couple of days back)… it was as if everything that could go wrong was going wrong. We were talking through MSN when MSN went down and I couldn’t log in. When I finally managed to log in – half our our IM were not reaching the other. And the following day my ISP Tiscali went down and I’ve never felt as on edge as I did being cut off from the Internet, as I did on that day (Thursday I think). I can only imagine that it is something like that that drives drug-users to go to extremes to get their next fix. Rather than look at it as the perfect excuse to do some of the work that has over the past 2 weeks been neglected I did everything in my power to try and sort out the Internet connection despite it being completely out of my hands. See what I mean when I say ‘obsessive behaviour’.
And to make matters even worse I’m forever feeling kind of ‘travel sick’ - the butterfly population has doubled in the last few days instead of settling down. I went to the Pharmacist who gave me some Gaviscon – to treat excessive stomach acid I think – I’m taking it for the sake of it – it’s had sod all effect really – what I really need is a visit to a Counsellor. One that can work wonders with emotionally needy clients. Arrrgggghhhhh.
Grrrr.
I received an email from a friend, a forward about people and love. I’ll post it shortly but it struck a cord in my heart that had me thinking of my ex (not in a ‘I want to get back together’ sort of way) and the new guy in my life.
I’ve already mentioned Sid, my ex, in my Valentine Mayhem post some time ago in February. One of the biggest reasons we didn’t work out was the sheer fact that he haunted every step I took. Which sometimes was sweet and at others damn near infuriating. He would text me and if I hadn’t replied in about 30 seconds, or within 2 minutes MAX (I’d timed this once to illustrate a point to a friend who said I was being overcritical and harsh), I’d be bombarded with text after text after text demanding to know why I wasn’t replying, whether I was upset with him, did he say anything to upset me, was I OK, was I busy, could I just let him know I was OK, could I just let him know I was OK with him, etc. I always think of the Destiny’s Child ‘Bug A Boo’ when I think of Sid – it’s like I hear the name SID and there is an audible click in my head and the track starts to play.
Maybe it wasn’t meant to be with Sid. I never felt butterflies the way I’m feeling now. I never missed him when he wasn’t around, don’t get me wrong here I’m not trying to say I didn’t think about him at all – it’s just there was no obsessive need to be with him at all times. I think the worst part of it was he fell for me much much much faster and deeper than I fell for him. Offset against my style of playing things cool and in a calculated way in the start, his constant need to be the centre of my attention made him appear needy, desperate and I’ll say this lightly as to not cause offence but somewhat annoying, worse not only to my friends but also to me. He had been hurt in relationships before and he said he felt in his soul that I would never consciously hurt him. I wouldn’t consciously but I imagine not falling for him may have caused him some pain inadvertently. But I’m only human, and I never did utter words such as ‘I love you’ to him. I didn’t love him and it would be me lying if I said I did. He on the other hand told me he loved me about 20 times a day. I liked him and often said I really really like you – which was true.
I don’t know if it’s just me but do the words ‘I Love You’ not mean something. Something profoundly endearing and meaningful. I hate the fact that it’s difficult to express yourself without using the words I LOVE YOU and not sound completely sincere. When I utter those words I mean them, every single one. I never lightly use those three words… if I say them I really mean them.
Anyways I seem to be side stepping the real point of writing this post – sorry this has the feeling of being a long soppy one. Be warned. So this is what the friend emailed me. I’ve edited it slightly… I’ve made it slightly more gay... There was a girl there at some point, but she is irrelevant here today. Besides it’s the words that are important not the picture.
See now those are beautiful words but up until recently I’d not have truly understood just how true and heartfelt those words are or can be. It made me think of Sid because he saw within me I guess that… he probably genuinely began to love me within a very short period. Alas for him, it wasn’t mutual and life has a cruel harshness to it that destroyed the naivety of it.
But with this new guy I feel like that cool collected person I was and am is like a distant memory. I’ve never felt needy or desperate before in my life. But this guy has me doing things I didn’t think I’d ever be doing. I sit down and wonder what this guy must be doing practically all the time. I feel so restless. I have this urge to talk to him all the time. And even sometimes when I’m busy I still need to feel he is there just a keyboard, mouse and monitor away. And if he isn’t there just a keyboard, mouse and monitor away I can’t wait till he is. And finally when he is, and even when I have nothing to say to him I feel reassured that he is there, not to far away. I have to muster all my will to not send him an email saying ‘where are you?’, ‘what are you doing?’ when he isn’t. This post will completely negate all those hundreds of messages I’ve resisted sending – coz here in black and white – I’m admitting to being completely utterly and madly addicted to him. I don’t feel in control of my actions anymore.
And if that wasn’t bad enough both of us are at points in our lives where our respective studies are vitally important and excruciatingly demanding and we both need to allocate sufficient time to that aspect of our lives too or else suffer severe repercussions. He is doing a degree in the excessively difficult and demanding engineering area and is in his penultimate year. And I’m doing the worse and hardest part of a Professional Accountancy Qualification which is beyond a Masters standard in my penultimate term, and really both of us can ill afford such obsessive needy behaviour.
Let me give you an example… for two days in a row (a couple of days back)… it was as if everything that could go wrong was going wrong. We were talking through MSN when MSN went down and I couldn’t log in. When I finally managed to log in – half our our IM were not reaching the other. And the following day my ISP Tiscali went down and I’ve never felt as on edge as I did being cut off from the Internet, as I did on that day (Thursday I think). I can only imagine that it is something like that that drives drug-users to go to extremes to get their next fix. Rather than look at it as the perfect excuse to do some of the work that has over the past 2 weeks been neglected I did everything in my power to try and sort out the Internet connection despite it being completely out of my hands. See what I mean when I say ‘obsessive behaviour’.
And to make matters even worse I’m forever feeling kind of ‘travel sick’ - the butterfly population has doubled in the last few days instead of settling down. I went to the Pharmacist who gave me some Gaviscon – to treat excessive stomach acid I think – I’m taking it for the sake of it – it’s had sod all effect really – what I really need is a visit to a Counsellor. One that can work wonders with emotionally needy clients. Arrrgggghhhhh.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Yay Day
I've just come back from work. I'm kind of tired. And kinda bored. These damned butterflies are having a party and all I want to do is sleep. But the sun is shining. The birds are tweeting and the volume from my computer is so loud I think I'm doing damage to my ears. But I still can't be bothered to turn it down.
Later on today I have a Mother's Day party I brought tickets for - I'll be attending with my mum, aunt, dad, brother, brother's wife & daughter, my uncle, uncle's wife & kids. So should be fun. Crap I better find something to wear.
Despite it only being 3PM I'm having a good day. I've finally think I'm making headway into patching things up with my Aunt. Things haven't been the same of late, more so aggravated by the recent tattoo against her wishes. But I don't wanna go there right now.
Today's post is about work I'm afraid. My manager informed me that I'll be receiving a 6.5% pay rise. How cool is that? Even more so because the majority of my colleagues received say in the region of 2-4%. I guess all the extra hours, the hundreds of responsibilities I take on that I really have nothing to do with, opening up the branch, closing the branch, being helpful when I can, and generally me being me, were considered arriving at the decision.
Don't get me wrong I don't do these things because I'm a kiss arse or in order to suck up. I think it's in my nature. I enjoy my work. It isn't work for name sake. I don't live for work, but whilst I'm at work I don't laze about (well not often anyway), I go there and get on with it... at the end of the day I'm there to work. I think of it as my branch. And it shows.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't do it for recognition but because I enjoy it. I hate when they make a big deal about something I've done. I almost died from embarrassment when I found out the Local Director Steve Arnold last year faxed every single branch in the Harrow & Ealing Group - a 'congratulations to Amit for passing CeMAP' note. It was quite an achievement if I'm being honest - passing all 7 exams in 6 months without failing even one is really difficult more so I was working full-time back then - but still I was mortified at the fax being distributed to so many branches. But it is nice to be recognised.
To make the day even sweeter... I've also been offered a promotion. Which I've accepted... I'll be moving up an entire grade... which again means a further 5% plus pay rise. It also means I'll be officially more senior than I am today. Which is something I've been wanted for quite a while. The consequences of that are my targets double, and that means my targets will be close to impossible for someone who works 5 hours a week. But a small price to pay.
Maybe with such impossible targets enjoyment of work may start to fall.
Good day huh?
Later on today I have a Mother's Day party I brought tickets for - I'll be attending with my mum, aunt, dad, brother, brother's wife & daughter, my uncle, uncle's wife & kids. So should be fun. Crap I better find something to wear.
Despite it only being 3PM I'm having a good day. I've finally think I'm making headway into patching things up with my Aunt. Things haven't been the same of late, more so aggravated by the recent tattoo against her wishes. But I don't wanna go there right now.
Today's post is about work I'm afraid. My manager informed me that I'll be receiving a 6.5% pay rise. How cool is that? Even more so because the majority of my colleagues received say in the region of 2-4%. I guess all the extra hours, the hundreds of responsibilities I take on that I really have nothing to do with, opening up the branch, closing the branch, being helpful when I can, and generally me being me, were considered arriving at the decision.
Don't get me wrong I don't do these things because I'm a kiss arse or in order to suck up. I think it's in my nature. I enjoy my work. It isn't work for name sake. I don't live for work, but whilst I'm at work I don't laze about (well not often anyway), I go there and get on with it... at the end of the day I'm there to work. I think of it as my branch. And it shows.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't do it for recognition but because I enjoy it. I hate when they make a big deal about something I've done. I almost died from embarrassment when I found out the Local Director Steve Arnold last year faxed every single branch in the Harrow & Ealing Group - a 'congratulations to Amit for passing CeMAP' note. It was quite an achievement if I'm being honest - passing all 7 exams in 6 months without failing even one is really difficult more so I was working full-time back then - but still I was mortified at the fax being distributed to so many branches. But it is nice to be recognised.
To make the day even sweeter... I've also been offered a promotion. Which I've accepted... I'll be moving up an entire grade... which again means a further 5% plus pay rise. It also means I'll be officially more senior than I am today. Which is something I've been wanted for quite a while. The consequences of that are my targets double, and that means my targets will be close to impossible for someone who works 5 hours a week. But a small price to pay.
Maybe with such impossible targets enjoyment of work may start to fall.
Good day huh?
Friday, March 16, 2007
Justin Timberlake Spoof
I was cooing over my Hi 5* profile when I noticed someone requesting a friendship who I didn't know. Me being the type of person who thinks one can never have enough friends (as long as they don't all try and get into your pants) I accepted. Then being... I don't want to say nosey... I'll say being... the curious individual I am I went and had a look at his profile. Nothing really special but I noticed a video player. I clicked it. It was funny. I thought I'd share it here with you. Its a spoof video of Justin Timberlake's Like I Love You. Its hilarious - check it out
* Kinda like Myspace or Friendster
* Kinda like Myspace or Friendster