Holey That's Huge

Sorry to anyone viewing this at work whose porn filter gets them in deep shit or whose collegue decides right at this time to walk past and thinks you're a pervert.

But after careful deliberation I've decided that today I'm gonna host a porno shot.

It's not that I'm a pervert (I am but this post is unrelated to that fact) it's just for educational purposes.

Now the question is DOES SIZE MATTER?

Yes I think it does especially when someone whips out a monster like this.



Now what would you do if someone pulled out a penis that huge?
1. Run away in fear
2. Faint. The horror of it.
3. Think it's your lucky day and get to work.
4. Grab a camera to show that beast to everyone.
5. Ride it - like it's no big deal (no pun intended).

Me? A Tree? Are You Sure?

You Are A Cypress Tree

You are strong, adaptable, and striving to be content. You're good at taking what life has to give - even if you don't like it. A passionate lover who can't be satisfied, you are quick tempered at times. You hate loneliness, want love and affection, and need to be needed. A bit of a live wire, you love to gain knowledge any cost... and you can be careless at times.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

Freebies

Isn't it really nice to be given things for free?

I opened my mail this morning to find that I had received a letter from Lloyds TSB Internal Group Communications. Every year employees are given some free shares (obviously they do try to avoid it - they invite you to accept them - so if you don't get around to doing so you don't get them (deadline is 21st March) - but on the bright side you only have to do this once!) - now I've been an employee for almost 2 years but this is the first year I qualify for the free shares so I can't honestly say I know how it works. I may just get 1 share (I don't have a clue!) but well it's free so I can't complain but I'm hoping it isn't just 1 share (it says free shares not free share - so I'm hopeful)

Now ain't that the best way to start a new week?

On the annoying side I had 2 tests today (both of which I bunked) and have another on Wednesday. I didn't get any time last week to revise (exception being Thursday - but I wasn't in the mood to study) so I didn't think it worth taking either tests! But I am planning on going for the test on Wednesday so I better go do some work (I'd call it revision but I haven't done anything yet to revise!)

Funny Little Things These So-Called Emotions Are

You know one doesn’t realise how rarely one cries - despite the fact that the world is a pretty shit place. Nor does one realise just how something minor can leave you in a flood of tears - an emotional wreck. Funny things emotions are….

I was caught a little off guard yesterday evening when I meet up with an old friend Jared. He is Canadian. And despite the fact that he has been in the UK for almost 6 years there is still a very Canadian hint to the way he speaks and certain words he uses.

He was telling me about this woman he has been seeing for the last 6 months or so, and I asked him if they did anything special over Valentine’s Day (I’m kind of nosey like that) and what he replied with - really caught me off guard and I ended up not only in tears but ended up sobbing like I’ve never sobbed before.

His simple reply to my question was ‘Nah we didn’t but that’s a whole nuva story’. Now I don’t just randomly burst into tears every now & then and I think it’s been almost 9 years since I actually cried last and even then I cried only barely.

Now if you’re wondering what caused my tears it was that Jared said ‘whole nuvva’ and that was something my uncle Bob use to say very often – he was Canadian you see – and apparently it was the said thing in Canada. I was devastated when he died in June 1998 - I was really close to Bob – I lived with him and my Aunt – and as a result he became the father I never had. Such a simple string of words triggered such a huge emotional response and I was overwhelmed with the need to cry and I must admit I held not even a single tear back. It was like a something erupted within and overcame me.

Jared who is normally quite cold and detached automatically engulfed me in his arms and held me tight. He didn’t even stop to ask what was wrong. Almost psychically something told him what I needed – he responded to my needs perfectly. He just held me whilst I sobbed. I’m not sure how long I sobbed for but Jared’s shirt was pretty wet afterwards. I was so grateful. My legs felt so weak that I’d have collapsed to the ground if he hadn’t wrapped me in his arms so tightly. Maybe he knew I needed him there and then… maybe he didn’t... maybe he just didn't know what else to do.

The most devastating thing when my uncle died was I was 16 and had never lost anyone so dear to me, and the shock and reality of the fact that I would never see him again was horrific and I’m not ashamed to say left me in pieces I barely recovered from. The only other person to die in my lifetime was my maternal grandmother when I was only 3 years old - so it didn’t effect me quite as significantly as when Bob died. He was only in his mid-forties and I never really accepted someone so young could die. And there are some bastards in my family that have lived to be in their nineties (my paternal grandmother was the cruellest women I’ve ever met and she died at ninety-four – though more on her some other time) - the irony of it is cruel itself. It was one of the things that stopped my belief in God.

Mentally I feel so much better now. That emotional breakdown seems to have cleared my system… I’ve built so many walls around my heart that emotional displays like that are quite rare (if not totally non-existent)… But I still feel a pang of sadness everytime I think of Bob – I’m just like my mum when it comes to managing my emotions. But I unlike her never (or rarely it would appear) let my emotions surface.

People say ‘Time heals all wounds’… but something I’ve learnt is that ‘Time may heal a wound - but some wounds fail to heal completely’.

Poor Jared - he might think twice next time I suggest we meet up.

Another Pointless Blog

I think I may have had too much time on my hands today.

It's 4PM - And I've not done anything remotely productive (except having had lunch)

But I did find this video on YouTube. I find it so amusing to see how many weirdos there are out there. Enjoy



I have agreed to meet up with an old friend later on.

Man 2 Man Hug - Instructions

This is video is possibly the funniest thing I've seen in my life.

It's from a website called Videojugs - which amongst other things provides people with videos on how to do certain things - ask people out, etc... but the funniest one I came across was how to give a man-to-man hug. It's so hilarious - enjoy....


VideoJug: How To Give A Great Man To Man Hug

Gosh I didn't realise how awkward it was for a straight guy to give another straight guy a hug. I have no hold-ups about hugging anyone. Now Jules this is what you call hilarious.

(((((HUG))))) to all.

SSD Syndrome

I have a question.... Have you ever fancied someone who you really didn't think was good looking but nonetheless you were inexplicably drawn to?

I ask this random question for a very simple reason - there is a guy at the place where I'm studying accountancy at the minute - now truth be told I don't think I've even exchanged a 'hello' with the guy let alone anything else but for some strange unexplainable reason I am completely drawn to him like a moth to a flame. And the most unusual thing is I really don't fancy him nor am I attracted to his personality (like I said I haven't spoken to him) nor does he ooze sex appeal. He really isn't good looking but he is fairly well built (possibly the only thing he has going for him) and has a very aloof look to him - his dress sense is appalling and he is very unkempt - he had a dreadfully unappetising thin moustache (almost French-like in appearance) and some fluff on his chin (I'd call it a beard - but it really isn't anything remotely similar to a beard - fluff best describes it) and hair that should have seen a hairdresser several months ago. I'm not even gonna mention his sideburns. A detailed picture I hope I'm painting - so you can see he isn't even remotely what I'd call 'Eye Candy' but I find that my eyes wonder over to where he is sitting and I stare until I force myself to look away.

What worries me is the signal I'm sending (I don't mean to) and I know he has caught me looking several times (he'd be stupid to not realise) but I really don't understand why I keep doing this. And I find I am drawn to him.

Am I alone in this unsavoury behaviour? I've begun calling it SSD Syndrome - Staring Seemingly Desperately Syndrome....

Although I maybe put it down to the fact that every potential accountant there is just plain ugly (exception being me of course) and I'm drawn to the least-worse looking one - I can't think of any other explanation.

Weird innit?

No Blues On Results Day

I find that the person I am means I tend to start most of my posts on a negative. Today I'm not. Today I'm on cloud number 9 - and best of all it's results day and you know what that means.... I passed all my exams - even the ones where it was touch and go.

2.1 - Information Systems - 77/100
2.3 - Business Taxation - 73/100
2.4 - Financial Management & Control - 78/100
2.5 - Financial Reporting - 66/100

Pass marks are 50 and I thought I really did badly in Tax and I was really shocked to see 73% - how wicked it that. And Info Systems I did like so little work for and 77% is fab for an exam I put at max 4/5 days work into.

I worked really hard for Tax and Financial Reporting - so had I failed Tax I'd have pretty gutted but I'd been talking to myself that there was a chance to let me down easy if it came to that - I'm glad it didn't. It's not that I'd have to take Tax gain that would have bothered me but the problem would have been two-fold - 1. was I worked pretty dam hard and 2. I'd have to have dropped 3.2 Advanced Tax which would have been crushing as that would have been an exam I'd have lingering to take in Dec 2007 instead of June 2007 (both exams are on the same slot).
I'm slightly (not significantly) bothered that I only got 66% in Financial Reporting as I felt I might do better - like I said I put a lot of work in that subject so I was expecting 70% plus but 66% isn't bad so I'll not act devastated (mostly because I'm not).
Financial Management & Control was a shocker. 78% - wow - I knew I didn't do badly but that is fantastic for an exam I crammed for at the end (4/5 days again) - it was my final exam and despite not wanting too - I left it all to the days between it and the days after exam before it.

All in all I am really pleased. Unfortunately a lot of my mates didn't do so good. And I feel for them.
Mate 1 failed 2.1 with 39/100 - annoyingly he asked me to check his results for him by accessing his email and I must say telling him he failed 2.1 was one of the hardest things I've done in ages and he almost refused to believe I was being serious. Ouch - note to self: don't check anyone's results for them in the future but rather make up a lame excuse stating you can't access the Internet.
Mate 2 failed 2.2 unsure by how much (I didn't have to do this crappy exam - thankfully - its Corporate Law)
Haven't spoken to other mates but from what mate 1 says many failed 1 or 2

Looking back I know this year I'll have to make sure I don't leave so much work for the month before the exams as I did in November for the Dec 2006 exams. Start revising from March and I can't go wrong. I'd pat myself on my back - but It'd hurt as the tattoo is has been hurting for the last few days and so I'll wait until it's healed a bit more.

On the bright side I told my Aunt before she left for work and I got a hug from her (which is quite significant as we've not been talking since Tuesday last week when I got my tattoo) and therefore I didn't tell her she actually hurt me when she hugged me as her arms squeezed into my tattoo - I'll just say 'no pain no gain' (which is something I'm getting sick and tired of hearing from the amount of times I've heard it in the last week)

Valentine Mayhem

I know it’s well past Valentine’s Day now but one must be entitled to his rant sooner or later.

I can’t say I hate Valentine’s Day… I’m too much of a romantic at heart to admit to that, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not entitled to moan about it.

Tia rang me Wednesday (I’ve changed her name for anonymity) in a flood of tears… It would appear that Kevin (who has also had his changed) her other half (her better half until the 14th Feb – no longer obviously) did something rather unsavoury for her on Valentine’s Day… surprise surprise… He made the fatal mistake of not recognising Valentine’s Day was on Wednesday and not Thursday. So when she turned up at his door she was horrified to find him in his boxer shorts, unshaven and unwashed at 6pm when she’d booked a table at a local restaurant for 6.15PM. What was she doing at her house he asked her, surprise clearly showing on his face! She tried calmly to explain they’d agreed to go out on Valentine’s Day and she would be coming around to his at 6pm. To then say shit flew was probably nowhere near the reality of what happened.

This is what they said (independently of course)
Tia said she was really upset and he antagonised her so she scratched him a little.
Kevin said Tia attacked him mercilessly and without warning. And spent was he thought was Valentine’s Day nursing his multiple slash wounds and would have gone to A&E if he wasn’t mortified.

I couldn’t help but laugh – better to be single no? I did some peacekeeping work and Tia has stopped referring to Kev as that ‘Fucking Bum’ and Kevin has stopped referring to Tia as that ‘Psycho Bitch’… I’d still not dare to place them together in a room alone yet or talk directly. I have Kevin’s mobile and thankfully he doesn’t have a landline.

As if that wasn’t bad enough I had a crisis of my own.

I don’t know what it is about Valentine’s Day that makes one go from surviving to COMPLETELY desperate when the clock hits 12AM and the 13th of February turns into the 14th of February… But it was like at 12AM my ex Sid (his real name) seemed to have an epiphany that I was his Soul Mate and he bombarded my mobile with texts telling me he still loves me demanding me to be his Valentine. At 1AM and it being less than 12 hours since I’d had my tattoo I was in no mood to play games with someone who I dumped almost a year ago nor was I desperate enough to say I loved him back solely on the fact that I didn’t want to be alone on Valentine’s Day. However this guy as I discovered was a touch emotionally unstable so I had to play it safe. I told him I was seeing someone on and off, and have been for several months now. The texts stopped instantly. That dealt with I aimed to get some rest, sleep far from achievable with a tattoo on my back.

When it was 7AM I felt no longer able to keep up the charade of sleeping so I awoke… I showered and got ready (if by wearing a pair of jeans is classed getting ready – I wore no top in order to air the tattoo).

By 12PM my mobile started beeping again. It was the girl I’ve dated a couple of times in the last few months rather coyly asking who I was spending Valentine’s Day with – by asking what I doing tonight. When I evaded her question with my tattoo, she came across more directly and asked if I was spending Valentine’s Day with anyone. I said no and she seemed quite pleased with that. Though for all intensive purposes we communicated via text for long enough to serve an eight course meal at a rather slow restaurant

Now as my clock approached 3PM I decided to have my second shower. No sooner had I finished that, that I heard someone singing outside. I ignored it thinking it the neighbour’s daughter. Although after a while I realised it was a male voice and curiosity got the better of me and I had a look to see who it was. I was horrified to see Sid and I turned a deep shade of red (for someone with brown skin this is no easy task) and ran knocking into numerous things before I got to the front door and cursed the stupid idiot and demanded he get in – I looked around and noticed several curtains twitching – it would appear several people noticed him before I did. Any hint of my calm amiable personality had evaporated and I was effing and blinding & demanded to know what the fuck he was doing serenading me outside my home. I made the fatal mistake of inviting him to my house several years ago ‘to do the gay thing’ (my first gay thing actually) and since then he routinely made a habit of turning up on my door at rather awkward moments. Now don’t get me wrong Sid is a great guy but is so clingy and high maintenance that it does my head in. When I first met him it was sweet, however when I didn’t reply to his text within 30 seconds I’d be texted over and over again asking if I was upset with him or if something was wrong. I dumped him shortly after his behaviour got out-of-control and unbearable.

Having ascertained he was jealous and lonely I told him in no uncertain terms that he and I were very much over and he was not winning me over at all like this. In tears he left and I must admit I felt pretty nasty for sending him away like that, but knowing him he would have taken it the wrong way had I let him stay for even a little while. I got six text messages as the day went by from him asking if we could still be friends. I was no annoyed I replied precisely zero times.

So that folks was the story of my Valentine’s Day. Eventful or what?

A Failed Change of Subject

I told myself yesterday that this was the last time I'd blog in specific regard to my tattoo. And I even knew what I was going to blog about today - Valentine's Day, my ex and the girl I've been on a couple of dates with. But that all went to shit.

The reason: My tattoo.

After 3 days it's begining to peel now and itches like crazy and I can't think of anything else but scratching it. Terry (my tattooist warned me about this and stressed I should not scratch it no matter how badly I want to).

I'm wondering now if I kill Terry does that negate him telling me so?

Arrgghhh....