Inner Shades of Blue

When life is good, life is really good.

And then, when its not, it’s really not!

I have had an amazing last few months. It’s been a rollercoaster, chain of events. Truth is I’ve barely had time to stop for a breather.

The crest of it all was the results of my final exams, and since then it’s almost like things have been getting better and better. There was a moment when my fears and doubts crept into me and I began to drown in the abyss of anxiety. Finally when work fell into place, more or less so, the rest of my little existence, almost in response, also fell into place. It was almost as if I awoken from a slumber. I cannot stress how much I love my current job. It’s such a huge learning curve. And up until recently in my life, I have felt so much of my life has been theory-like, and there has not been enough practicality, and now, a welcome change, it’s almost like there is a shift in all aspects of my life, towards it become more real, more gritty, more physical, more tangible.

And things have been great since.

I have some truly amazing, incredible and interesting people in my life. Whether it is people from work, social circles, new friends, old friends, fellow bloggers, family, or even akin to family. I have everything to be grateful for, and so little to complain about.

Yet, it wasn’t until earlier this week, that when I looked around at other people. Seeing people's love. Their happiness. Their successes. Their security. Their direction. Their resolve. Their confidence. Their passion. It was then that I thought that perhaps things weren't so great.

I felt that perhaps I was missing something. Perhaps things aren’t as perfect as they appear to be.

One of the main influences in my life is other people. It’s the pivotal point of everything in my life. I'm only happy with my personal qualities provided that they are noticeable, & admirable by others. My accomplishments are only significant if they stack up well against those of others. It drives me forwards, and it burns at me. I like to think that I don’t care what others think, but I do, that’s the underlying truth. That’s why I love and hate my sexuality. It drives me forward, I aim to be better than a stereotype, and yet it burns at me when things recoil away from me, or my sexuality is used against me.

But the essence of the matter is at some point I have to be happy with where I am, what I’m doing, how I am, ignoring the influences of others. Whilst the metric for measuring my own accomplishments really can be influenced & graded in relation to other people, it should never be dictated by it. I have to learn that, embrace that, wear that like a badge. I have to dwell on what is good for me, what is best for me, and if it is it should be enough.

And of course, it is impossible that I’ll wake up tomorrow having embraced this, since so much of my confidence is caught up in how other people view me.

I sometimes feel that whilst I display an air of confidence in my every action, I have found that confidence is not skin-deep. It's all about how I fit in relation with other people, and me, I get lost in that.

It’s almost like.. every aspect of my personality, my being, my spirit, is split in two and I love & hate every nuance of myself. It’s as simple and as complex as that.

How is that for inner analysis?

OK so on that happy note.. here is me looking rather dapper in my shiny silver suit.



Bear in mind. I'm totally smashed by this point. I've had 3 tequila shots, 3 cocktails and drunk no longer does what I am any justice.

Updating!

Dunno what to blog.

Probably coz I got no time right now.

Yesterday I went to see Step Up 2 – The Streets.. was so incredible. I held my breath so many times during the dance sequences. The words ‘holey fucking amazing’ barely do it justice.

I have dinner plans in less than 10 minutes, so will be rushing out in less than 30 seconds after I hit publish post.

Tomorrow is the Pass Mag Party at Paper, in Piccadilly Circus. So I’m headed there straight after work. Sweaty, hot and tired but looking rather dashing (possibly even dapper) in my new silver shiny suit!

And Friday I have a work outing. We’re going for dinner and then dancing. Yay.

So fellow bloggers I’ll be absent for a while still coz as a social network, eBlogger is barred (and so I can’t access it) at work.

This is why I’m trailing behind in reading y’alls blogs. I do one or two whilst having breakfast first thing in the morning.

Catch y’all soon.

Mwah xXx

Saturday Night Disco With A Former Fuck Buddy

OK so I think an update on Saturday night is definitely due.

I met X for 8ish, outside his work place. We prowled Soho for a while and ended up in Prowler as X wanted to show me a pair of AussieBum briefs. He bought them when I said I liked them. Totally made me think of Monty, for two reasons coz the last time I was in Prowler was with him and well surely the word Aussie doesn’t really need to be explained.

We caught up with each other’s respective lives and afterwards we met the fuck-buddy. I’m so evil. I totally turned the tables on X and made a very specific effort to wind up the ex-fuck buddy. When I put my mind to it I have an inane ability to really (and I do mean REALLY) get on someone’s nerves. I’m half proud (& half disappointed at myself) that the plan worked. Although, that said, as the evening went by.. I think I may have started to grow on him.

The ex-fuck buddy wasn’t quite what I was expecting. X had made him out to be kinda average looking so I was a bit shocked coz he was a little hottie. In a very subtle way though! Kind of like you’d have to focus on him to notice. But he was far too serious! But that was the best thing.. it gave me the perfect ammo to aim and destroy him with [SSD laughs evilly]… every few minutes I was like “dude smile” and I could see it was winding him up nicely.

Moving on.

In typical fashion we got to the club and lo and behold the only guy that caught my eye at the gay club was straight. Yes I know it really doesn’t need to be said. YES YES YES I know I clearly do have a tendency to want what I can’t have. Get over it already. Seriously though, there were about 50 gay guys there and I’m attracted to one of the only straight ones. Grrrrrr. Yes blunt SSD was very forward and the following convo ensued:

Me: Bruv, tell me are you straight?
Him: Ya.
Me: Damn! You sure? *smiling*
Him: Pretty certain.. there’s my girl *smiles a killer smile* [at her AND not me]
Me: So what you doing at a gay club? Not at all bi-curious are you?
Him. *laughs nervously* Err.. no.
Me: Hey I’m just fucking about. I thought you were straight, but I just wanted confirmation. So what you doing here straight guy?
Him: It’s my mate’s birthday. [He points at a very gay guy in a lip-lock with another guy].
Me: Sweet. I’ll let you get back to it then. Remember me.. if you get bi-curious at all.

X was a bit surprised when I approached the guy and how easily I joked with him. I had been banging on about the cute straight guy for a while trying to decide if he was straight or not.. I think maybe he hasn’t realised just how forward I can be.

A short while later, totally bored of the music I sat down. We were all dancing right next to a settee, so I’m like still right next to them all. X moves closer, within my arms length and I pull him down onto my lap. His back is so, that he can lean back on me if he so wants. Now he sits there for a few seconds and then starts wiggling his bottom to the music. He is balanced right over my cock and right leg, thankfully his weight is predominantly on my right thigh.
I whisper in his ear ‘careful or you’ll give me a hard-on’. He wiggles harder, and as I knew, the wiggling makes the hard on rage into action. I don’t know if he could feel it or not, positioned as we were. After a while he gets up. He looks back and I get up too.

Half an hour passes with us dancing. After a bit I watch silently, moving towards a little barrier, and stop dancing, but still facing them. I walk as he grinds up against the friend of the friend who I had invite him. I’m slightly uncomfortable with this, coz I see friend of a friend’s hands on X’s backside. But I’m not really bothered by it all, after all I grind up against friends I’m dancing with quite often. After the song changes they disengage.

We all carry on dancing. And I go in for the kill. I move slowly, press myself against him, and when finally I bring myself against X I let my hands run across his body. Nothing holds me back. I embrace him with my arms around his neck. I allow my hands to roam on his ass, I even press the palm of my hand against his upper chest from behind. If dancing can ever be called dirty, this is as close as it gets without becoming x-rated. There is nothing I didn’t caress. I even grinded from behind with my hands in his pockets, with my fingers stroking the soft skin between the crotch and thigh from inside his pocket. I’m curious and so I press my leg against his crotch. I want to know if I have him turned on. I’m pleased to discover I’ve hit the target. He is definitely hard, there is no doubt about it but it takes me a while to find it. I mentally note that he isn’t huge in that department, but he more than makes up for that in looks. Once I’ve had enough of pressing against his cock, I realign myself so that his thigh is tucked in-between my legs. There is no shred of a doubt that he didn’t feel my hard-on. I can feel the contact it makes. I realise for the first time that I’m actually slightly taller than him. His face turns sideways, and I resist the urge to straighten his face, look into his eyes and kiss him. Whilst his body language is speaking volumes, I know he wouldn’t be comfortable if I kissed him here in front of everyone. But I wanted to kiss him, there and then, and if I didn’t then I definitely wanted him to know that. So after we’ve disengaged I tell him as if I’m making the most insignificant comment, that I almost kissed him. Maybe it’s the way I tell him, like I’m discussing something unimportant, but he says nothing. His silence makes me wonder if that was a good thing to say or not, but I’ve not yet decided if I regret saying it.

But one thing is clear in my head now. I think its finally time we stopped playing games. We both flirt outrageously with each other but neither is willing to make the first move and instead appear to be skirting around the subject. We even discussed asking each other out over the course of the evening with his ex fuck-buddy listening. We also discussed the perks he might gain if we were boyfriends. When I stated that I really want to go to New York, he suggested I pay for his ticket so we could both go together.. I responded with ‘For what. That kind of perk is reserved for my boyfriend.’ To which he replied with ‘Well that is incentive enough for me.’

See nothing but games. And the only reason I'm willing to carry on playing... is that I have yet to decide what I want.

Elephants, Rooms & Well Being Pooped On Too

I just don’t get it.

I really really really just don’t get it.

Arrrggghhhh.

Before I go into it.. I have a comment to make for Madgal. You sure I don’t know you? When someone feels the need to highlight that I don’t know them.. alarms start ringing. And the voice in my head says THEY DEFINITELY KNOW YOU so you likely know them. Just a thought I thought I’d leave you with. LOL. I’m glad you find my blog likeable. I find your comments likeable too.

Anyways moving on. Now where was I? Oh yeah.

Arrrggghhhh.

Damn X.

For those that don’t know.. X is 19 thus falls firmly in that ‘under 21 cute guys’ category I was banging on about the other day. As do many others, but seriously people.. what do I look like a pedo? NO BS, no no no no no, no 13 year olds. 16 is my limit for being attracted to.. and I'd say 20 would be my limit for touching.. possibly X maybe an exception, but he is ALMOST 20, so he's a kinda grey area.

Anyways, so a friend of a friend invites me out coming Saturday night to go clubbing with them, to a event called Spice, which as far as I understand is part of a club known as Club Urban Desi.. which caters for gay Asians. So happily I said yes. Who am I to turn down a night of gay clubbing?

Anyways, so X is gonna come too. He also knows this friend of a friend, not as well as I mind but still, so I suggested he ask him along. X says yes. GREAT NEWS. I was hoping for some time along with X to see if we can deal with the now increasingly evident and noticeable elephant in the room.

And lo and behold, today he texts me (after I text him first) to tell me he has invited an ex-fuck buddy along. THIS IS FUCKING SHIT NEWS. With all due respect to him, as far as I know they aren’t fucking now but still what was he thinking bringing him out clubbing with me around.

I’m so pissed. I know this idiot he is gonna bring with him (not personally but I know all about him).. and he is gonna do nothing but trail around X the whole evening. And its going to infuriate the shit out of me, possibly coz I was hoping to do just that. Grrrr. I know that he is gonna annoy me even though I have never met him before. Arrrggghhh.. so once again I’ll not be able to speak to him properly and that flipping elephant is gonna stand over me and poop on my head with him and an entire audience watching.

Damn it.. plus I don’t mask jealously well and I fear my green face will clearly show what I’ve been very carefully concealing from him.. that yes I do indeed have feelings for him. But if I’m being honest with myself.. I’m really not yet sure this is anything more than pure lust.

It’s this thoughtlessness and his selfish nature, his hurtful tendencies (to others and not me), his effortless ability to use people and his downright stupidity at times that makes me want to throttle him and stay the fuck away. And yet that damn fucker is so damn cute I could eat him up in a single swallow.

The word weary no longer starts to illustrate how I feel towards him anymore. But when he is around, there isn’t even a stray thought that tells me he isn’t anything but perfect the way he is. What is with that? It's like being a teenager who is obsessed.

So come on.. coz I just don’t get it.. but what does bringing an ex-fuck buddy to a night club with him on Saturday going to prove? What is it that he is trying to say to me? Or am I just reading way too much into this? Coz no matter how I look at it.. its just plain stupid.

Arrrrgggghhhhh

Earth Hour 2008

It is with the greatest sadness that I learnt that London DID NOT embrace the Earth Hour.

For those that aren't aware of what the Earth Hour is please see the video below


Vid has totally been stolen off Queer Ranter.

Basically the aim of the Earth Hour was that for one whole hour people across the world switch their lights off to raise the awareness of Global Warming & climate change.
It started in Sydney (bless the Aussies for such an ingenious idea) and has spread across the world.. even Google.com embraced the Earth Hour by turning the normally white page black. See below:

But Central London was lit up like a Christmas Tree on Christmas Eve. This is the first time EVER I haven't felt pride in being a Londoner. Seriously.. how difficult would it have been for such a huge city like London to switch off a few lights?

As the Aussies (rightly so) would say.. us Poms are a right bunch of wankers.

A shout out to all the people who knowingly choose to ignore the EARTH HOUR: F*#KERS

21 Reasons Not 2, 1 definitely 2.

I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.

OK doing computer lines isn't actually real punishment, since you can cut and paste.. but still I think its a lesson I need to very quickly learn.

I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.

Maybe I should add that.

I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.
I will not talk to anyone EVER under the age of 21.
Especially cute guys.

Grrr.. why are under 21s so damn attractive. Damn it.

On a stranger more personal note - I had forgotten until ystd but Tuesday gone was the one year anniversary to the day I officially came out to my Aunt. Its not really a big deal.. actually screw that.. its a HUGE deal. Just thought that I'd share that.

Revel in a year of leaps and bounds.

Oh yeah - the moral of this post is: always talk to really cute guys especially those under 21.

[SSD scratches his head]

Errrrr.. lesson obviously not learnt :o(

Standoffish Liaisons

I was asked the most frustrating question of all recently.

What are you looking for?

As questions go.. it’s the only one I don’t know how to answer.

The context obviously involved my single relationship status.

I get asked that all the time.

X most recently joined the ranks.

Might just be me but I feel things have changed with him.

We went to dinner with some friends the other day, and I had met him for coffee earlier that evening and we spent quite some time talking. He might have indirectly asked me if I was interested in pursuing a relationship with him. He looked me in the eye and said “I want someone”. I was not sure how to respond so I said something like “Kool. I’ll keep an eye out for you.” There was much more to this conversation but its hard to put into words. Truth is I wanted nothing more than to kiss him right there in front of everyone.

Then later, when we were walking up past Hyde Park, we both turned and faced London Eye in the background shimmering like a jewel with it’s night lights sparkling in full glory. I could see X was transfixed. And the following conversation ensued:

X: It looks amazing doesn’t it?
Me: Yeah. Have you ever been on it at night?
X: No I haven’t
Me: Really? Have you ever been on it?
X: Yeah, just not at night.
Me: Well you should. It is so different as night. It’s incredible.
X: Well then you can take me their on our first date.
Me:
X: What?
Me:
X: Say something.
Me: Like what?

Later that day I met this Italian guy (I’ve met him before.. but this was the first time I actually made more than small talk), originally he is from Sri Lanka (I think), I vaguely recall him mentioning the Buddha, so maybe I’m wrong.. but his parents I understand are living in Rome at the moment so he’s Italian as far as I’m concerned.

He quizzed me about X. It’s incredible how quickly he picked up on the chemistry between X and I, despite the fact that I was sitting at the different end of the table from X. His questions and X’s behaviour made me really think about what the hell it is that I want in relation which X.

How does one approach something like that? X talks about exclusivity and trust, wanting a proper boyfriend and not a fuck-buddy, moving away from one-night stands, etc. Part of me wants to go there coz the chemistry is so strong between us, its hard to ignore, but there is part of me that is wary of him and is that a good place to start on a relationship from?

200 Long Stemmed Red Roses

After much debate and deliberation I’ve decided to drag the past back and share a little of the past.

Not a story as such. That story belongs to Him.. but here today He holds no sway. This bay is mine tonight.

But all things start story-like.. this will be no different.

He has a notebook. It’s yellow & pink. It’s not lined mind you.. it’s just simple and blank.

There contained within are different coloured pages and all those colours soften me to my core. Yes our steel hearted Dreamer is in awe of His book.

This fabled notebook has His heart contained inside. A metaphoric heart but a heart nonetheless. He is somewhat afraid of this book.

I doubt that everyone will fully understand the relevance of this post but this is something He wrote sometime after a dark moment in His life. Writing always was strangely comforting for Him. I’m glad for I was born of that writing. You'll read my name.. in it's birth. This is the first time my name was ever uttered.. almost like a pregnancy test of a kind. The test said its A Dreamer. I can't say for sure if I was planned or not.

It’s amazing how many powerful secrets are caught on paper.
How many raw emotions are preserved in a snapshot for all of eternity.
How much pain even a single word can contain.

No celebration is complete without remembering those darker moments. Here is the preservation of a dark moment. The darkest. The darkness that gave birth to me. So I feel right at home. I revere this place. For someone born of darkness.. darkness is not sin but life. This is a celebration.... a 200th post. How will we celebrate.. but with 200 long stemmed blood red roses?

Here is a poem taken from that book. Poetry is a fruit of life after all.

The tears tainted by Heaven’s actions sear my soul
the wind choosing to brush past me soundlessly.
Dew turns to mist and I struggle to see
the mist turning into ice causes my heart to slip
and when the ice melts it’s blood that trickles away.
Look closely and you’ll see marks of those that dared to defy
marred blood marks the road where the rabbits try to cross
even the trees sing a song the world had hoped to forget
It’s as if my bush bares no rose anymore, just a single dreaded thorn.

Like a jagged diamond rock hidden in the sand
this graveyard should hold a single coffin, but its empty of note
even death it appears chooses not to lingers here any longer.
A candle burns brightly, its soft gentle flicker feeling so out of place.
A sudden chill breeze, the vast open sky, a stray falling star, a single ray of light
all point to that place, where that grave that ought to be
I’m not allowed to dig a grave with my bare fingers as I want to.
Earth to Earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
What to do when I have no grave, no Earth to revere,
and no ash to keep.. I was forced to let it all float away.

My beloved no longer sways from side to side
my heart is no longer able to beat to that long forgotten tune

that silenced heartbeat was music to my ears at one point.
I cry alone and for a moment I feel the world as it stops turning
just for a second I hear the whole world weeping with me
then gravity kicks back in and the moment passes,
And again I am left alone, me and my fears.

How fickle life is when it flickers
the sun hides behind the moutains for hours at a time

when he finds her he chases her away

for the avid observer this is normal

but for me this is the most cruel of games.

I wish he would leave her be, hidden away, out of sight
it is what is best for me as I cannot bear to face her
the symphony of another day burns at me.

My poor seared soul.

Another chooses to love me
how dare he?

I want him to walk away
it is not meant to be
nothing is meant to be
nothing is meant for me
as surely as the other was meant to be.

- A Dreamer

Yours Sincerely Soul Seared Dreamer

Bad Blogger

I think I'm officially fallin' into the bad blogger category (as far as I'm concerned)!

I can't recall the last time I responded to the comments left behind.. just to let you know I do read them and thanks for them. I love you all and appreciate each and every single one.

Dunno what to do about my next post now.. it'll be my 200th. Yup. Honest.

Any thoughts?

PS - Anyone suggesting a '200 things about me'.. will be shot RUTHLESSLY, gutted and the innards sold on the black market for something very insulting. Just so we're clear :o)

It Wasn't Me

It’s amazing how much change a week can bring.

Yesterday saw me starting my new job. I gotta admit I’m actually really really looking forward to this. It’s not like I’ve never worked full-time before.. So it’s not like a new experience or anything.. but having worked so damn hard at securing a decent job.. I’m just really psyched up. Today will be the proper first day coz yesterday was more induction than anything else.. but I’ve already been allocated my first client file so I’m starting to think there isn’t really going to be a grace period to adjust rather this is the kind of role that you’re just a dropped in the deep end and you have to sink or swim.

Things with the designer (friend’s ex) have been interesting. He seems to have brought out the fiery elements of my Leo’s fire rich nature.. sometimes I can’t seem to curb that aspect of my star sign’s nature.

On Monday when we saw each other we attacked each other with a ferocity not seen since the days of Ancient Greece. I left him with a 3 inch dark bruise on the right side of his neck (oh yes I’m vicious when I want to be) and he left me with 13 little bruise marks in various positions along my neck line (only one classed as more than a hickey). We were sprawled over one another, naked with tangled limbs, when my aunt walked into the house. I ran and closed my bedroom door whilst he attempted to find our clothes.. for such a small bedroom this was shockingly hard. Obviously the gusto in which we ripped each other’s clothes off speaks earnestly here. Aunt was not pleased one bit when said designer walked out of the house a short while later.. *breaks a sweat* but at least she didn’t see us naked together.. can't imagine how badly that would have rocked her world.

Tuesday I met up X for coffee and then went to dinner with a now mutual girlfriend.. X tagged along for a bit. Finally me and girlfriend went to see a movie and X buggered off. Apparently it was past midnight when an Earthquake hit England.. I don’t know why exactly but I totally missed it. Either I was in said girlfriend’s car and the car’s suspension absorbed the shock or I was sitting on my foam mattress and that swallowed up the ground shaking.. either way I had no idea an Earthquake hit despite being on the phone until well past 3AM.

Wednesday I met up with a girl (yes this meeting girls is twice in a row now) from my studies and broke it to her that Juliet’s Romeo is a fag. She seemed to take it well but time will tell if I did the right thing. This is the girl I very likely would have married if I were straight so this was no easy thing to do *tears* and then met my designer for something that I never imagined in a million years I would do. Its shocking the limits we breach when one is in need of comfort. We found a nice quiet location on a fairly busy street (the next street up from my road) and parked in front of someone’s house and completely made out *sighs* no shit if Police had caught us we would have been arrested for indecent exposure and illicit sex in a public place. I’ve lost my innocence :o(

Thursday and Friday I was home but on Thursday I sneaked out of the house for a five minute kissing session with my designer which my aunt totally noticed I did.. so much for being discreet.

Saturday I went work and then spent the evening with the designer in Park Royale, Action. For someone so firmly in the closet I was pleasantly surprised how dangerously we acted in such a popular and public area. I held his body continuously, allowed my body to press against his, over dinner I had my foot laid across his leg, I kissed him, and worst of all I constantly felt him up and he responded accordingly. Have I mentioned that my designer is WELL-KNOWN in HIS community.. like virtually everyone in his community would recognise him at first glance. We decided to drive away from Acton when the interaction between us started to move away from being PG rated. So we decided to drive to a quieter location.. I totally pleasured him as he drove though.. in hindsight I can’t highlight how stupid this was considering he was actually driving. Its crazy what horniness can do to your wits. We topped up the evening with a heavy make-out session in the car AGAIN.

Despite how it looks.. there is virtually no attachment here on my behalf. I think its very physical for me.. whereas I’m afraid its starting to become emotional for him.. and despite me stressing that it can’t bode well for either of us if this gets too serious.. these things can not be controlled and I’m left feeling I should end it now before it does go there.

What I’m looking for is someone I can enjoy hanging around with and doesn’t have coming out or closeted hang-ups.. and this guy is SO NOT THIS - this guy still wants to get married coz his position in the community demands it of him.

He knows that as things are going he is likely to start getting attached and that’s dangerous for him.. he thinks I’m getting attached too but here is the punch line.. I’m not.. I’m more worried about him getting attached than anything else.

Damn. Just once I’d like someone I can have sex with to have no hang ups. Is this too much to ask for?