Lifetime Design

I'm pleased to announce that after over 6 years of searching I've actually found a tattoo design that I like, one that I feel is not common (don't correct me if I'm wrong) and one that I may not regret for the rest of my life. I think I've come to the point where I am ready to get it done. If I fail to do any of the listed 25 New Year Resolutions I will be content if I do manage to pluck up the courage and get a tattoo. I even researched the place I want it done.... Tattoo UK based in Rayners Lane, Harrow. I even have the telephone number in my hand and hopefully I'm only a call away from booking an appointment.


Wish me luck. Here is the design I have in mind.

NYR - No16 - tick

Whilst updating look of my blog last week I decided to write down some thoughts as the sub heading to go under my blog title: waiting for life… which I’m sure most have noticed alongside my fancy new picture of the fit Angel and all. However once I’d completed what I was planning on putting there, I discovered that I could only load a sub heading of a maximum 500 characters including spaces. So I began editing it like crazy as the original version was a massive 2304 characters long. Unfortunately in such a severe edit the gist of the flipping thing changed, but I uploaded it nonetheless. But I didn’t have the heart to delete the whole thing so I transferred it into word where it has lain since. However I wrote it to share and I’m posting it here, at the least it can count as a something I’ve written, the closest I imagine I’ll get around to writing a poem on my NYR List (no 16 of my New Year Resolutions List) – which I’m amending to read: 16. Write something like a poem. See post: NYR

Here I am with my knees, elbows and palms to the ground, in contemplation. I've been naughty. Oh so naughty. I’ve crossed that unpredictable invisible line again. The Angels glance away, shock and horror hardening their eyes, all the while the Devil dances in delight. I’ve lost count of the sins I’ve committed? Whatever will I do to appease the Gods? I’ve become snared in the crossfire. It would appear in my heart I've lost the faith. This faith it would appear is as slippery as an eel, the tighter I grip, the more it slides away. I sip morphine like wine in a dirty forgotten cup; the pain is far too much. Deeper and deeper it pushes. In and out, in rapid succession, it makes me think of a soft gentle woodpecker. Mentally I attempt to force the pain to subside… It’s like I have been swimming in a lake of pain. Or like I’m sitting on an active volcano. Pleasure nodes explode numbing me. I forget all, I am higher up than even the Gods, soaring up amongst the stars, lost in reverie I think of sailors. My proud member is like bait for a shark. It always hooks. My world darkens… It’s always so cold here even despite the heat and friction. Suddenly the world shifts and I begin to fall… I always find my way back down, even when I’ve managed to escape so far. I see the road towards nowhere as the world spins in retaliation to the abuse I've inflicted upon myself. It burns like fire. I collide face first, when did my world become so foggy? Seeping away from me is a puddle of fresh crimson blood. It worries me that it is not the first time. Stark and naked I catch my breath wondering what the future holds? There are no fig leaves on this windy road that I may use to cover my modesty or hurt. Passers-by gawk as though I’m really naked, as I look down I realise I am. After all I’ve bared my heart and soul for all to see. A stray tear streaks down my cheek as I realise no-one stops to comfort me. Left alone it will fester so I wipe it away. A dam bursts, as I begin to drown a pain engulfs me and wholly I shudder. In sweat I spring awake. A patch of red is all I have left to act as a reminder. Are these nightmares that plague me an indication of my destiny? Is my future so bleak? I wonder again, am I truly awake? Or living a nightmare? Maybe just maybe this is my life. Welcome!

Having just read that again today I can see what Mr Harrison (my English Teacher back in the days of High School) meant when he said ‘most of the stuff you write is dark and full of double meaning’. Enjoy.

Worrisome Reflections

Saturday evening. 4.45PM. SSD is at his local library looking for a book. [BB style voice]

I went to the library to pick up a book by Trudi Canavan, called Last of the Wilds. But while I was meandering the shelves looking for the fantasy section I came face to face with the health section, and a book lying on the floor just in front of the shelves. Now as domesticated as I am, I decided to pick up the book in order to return it to the shelf. As soon as I touched it however I felt an urge to let it go (I didn't I held on to it), I can't explain why but maybe it was a mix of shock, curiosity and horror. The book was called 'Boys Get Anorexia Too'.

Now I'm not stupid, but I'd be lying if I ever considered that boys could get anorexia too. It's just a chain of thoughts my mind has never taken. I'm not sure at what point exactly that the shock/horror turned into pure curiosity... but I found myself opening the book in order to flick through it. What I discovered frightened me, a list of symptoms. About some 20 odd long symptoms. And worst of all in my pre-adolescence & teens I'd say I related to about two thirds, and a handful probably still apply. The main one was obviously 'a fear of getting fat' when you look like a stick insect. Suddenly like a silent hurricane a flood of memories crashed in on me like a tsunami. I stood frozen. I recalled... Never wanting to finish a meal. Hating the feeling of being bloated. Feeling guilty eating chocolate. Always looking it the mirror. Weighting myself regularly. Saying I had a stomach ache when I didn't want to eat. Hiding food in some kitchen towel and throwing it away. Always walking off a meal. Lying that I wasn't hungry when I was. Generally having a negative association with excessively deep fried foods.

This is according to the book a form of mild Anorexia.

I always excused my deeply embedded fear of getting fat... I always put it down to my father - a fear of not wanting to turn into him. He was like I, thin and fairly tall in the days of his youth, now he is borderline obese. If I got into his clothes there would be space for a mini party inside. I'd easily accommodate 5 similarly sized people. There is usually a cause for Anorexia - I think I've found mine.

Now how do I learn to use this info to become stronger when I feel sick to my stomach and weak in the knees. I've always been a firm believer - 'if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger' - and I ain't dead yet...

Harry Potter

I'm slightly upset today. It would appear that none of my straight mates want to spend £50 to see Harry Potter (AKA Daniel Radcliffe) naked.

Now if I'm dead serious I can't say Daniel Radcliffe ever really pushed any of my buttons. Yes I have seen all the Harry Potter movies, but I would have seen all of them regardless of whether or not Daniel Radcliffe had played Harry. I love JK Rowling and the Harry Potter series.

But has anyone seen the promo photos of Equus? Whoa Daniel Radcliffe looks fresh and sexy. Here are some of the better ones I've come across... No matter who you are... you have got to admit he looks HOT. And that's just a photo - he must be just as hot in person.

Note to self: Make more gay friends, or begin converting straight ones.

Forced Changeover

It would appear that gently goading me into accepting the new Goggle Blogger was not working, so today I was slightly shocked to see that Google/E-Blogger had taken a more of a totalitarian approach. I was coerced and given no choice but to make the changeover - it was changeover or not enter my blog. Oh well... it's not as bad as I had imagined, although I'm a bit hurt that I lost my old template, its counterpart 'Dark Dots' didn't look as nice.

I need a bit of an ego boost. Is this one okay?

Although on the bright side I've finally managed to figure out how to add 'blogs I read'... so I think I'm coming around to see this as a good thing. But I don't like this labels business so I'm just gonna ignore that. My way of rebelling.

Contacts Contacts Contacts

Instead of my normal annoying the shit out of & flirting with my local Optician Mr RC I've managed to sort out an alternative avenue for acquiring contacts. Costco. I've been annoying my uncle for ages to take me (he runs a business so is always in and out of Costco) so when he rang me today to ask whether I wanted to accompany him I almost fainted in shock. Using this excursion away from home as a perfect excuse to get away from my pile of advanced tax homework I quickly said yes before he changed his mind. So off I went.

I'm slightly annoyed now. Not only do I have a hole in my pocket for £123*. I returned home with exactly NO CONTACTS. Apparently they didn't have the ones I needed in stock, they had about six billion others but not the ones I'd need/wanted. So I have to wait a few more days but at least I'll have 3 months supply when they arrive.

I think I'm gonna miss my flirting sessions with my Optician Mr RC (he is kinda cute). He is from Specsavers. I use to go D&A for my contacts but they kept increasing the price, last time I checked it was £160 for 3 months supply for 1-day Acuvue - I now get them for less than half of that - I can't believe I actually use their 'contacts by post' service for almost 2 years. That's more than £600 I threw away. So I switched to Specsavers, who were quite expensive but nowhere near as bad as D&A. I find Tesco, Asda & Costco are the most cost-effective. Besides the money I save on contacts are spent on grooming products, and you can never get enough of those.

* £83 for the contacts, £10 for the eye-test & £30 for 1 years' registration as a customer - apparently as an employee of a bank I'm entitled to become a member - no more kissing anyone's ass to go I'm a fully fledged member now

Smiles & The Gorgeous Random Guy Who Got Away

My Aunt had a medical infusion* today at Northwick Park Hospital, and I decided to accompany her there as it was her first one, from what the doctors tell her she will have to endure one at least every three months for the rest of her life. The nurses were real sweet, and I received one of the nicest compliments today – ‘you have such a beautiful smile’ – ain’t that just a really nice thing to hear about your self?

Note to self: Smile excessively when flirting

Anyways since the infusion took almost 4 hours I had quite a lot to think about and took several walks around the hospital to kill some time. On one such walk I encountered the most gorgeous looking guy imaginable. Now I was faced with several choices when I saw him, unfortunately my Gaydar didn’t bleep, or provide any evidence of actually working.

1. Do nothing and walk on imagining what life would be like with him as a boyfriend
2. Stare and hope he noticed and made a move on me
3. Ask him politely if he wanted to go for a drink some time which could have resulted in:
a. Him saying ‘YOU WISH’
b. Him saying ‘I ain’t no queer’
c. Him saying ‘I ain’t no queer’ and followed by an episode of ‘queer bashing’
d. Him saying ‘I’ve got a boyfriend. Thanks but no thanks’
e. Him saying ‘Yes I’d love to’
f. Him saying ‘marry me first’

What did I do? Number 1 of course. I really envy people able to ask out random people without knowing whether or not someone has ‘them inclinations’ or has a ‘lavender membership’.

It just made me wonder…. Are there really people out there that just go for it by asking some hot guy there and then if they are gay or not, and whether they’d be interested in going out sometime - just like that? I’d really love to be confident enough to do that coz I’m rarely spontaneous enough to do something like that. Is there a certain art to it? Has anyone mastered it yet? What to do with that bashful flushed feeling? How to deal with the thought of impending rejection? How to deal with the nerves? And finally how to pluck up the courage to ask?

Oh well I guess I’ll never know.

* a drip for medical purposes directly into the blood stream.

New Year Resolutions

As we near entering February, it would seem it is finally time to draw up my New Year Resolutions. Using them as a benchmark to mark the success of the year... well here goes... in no specific order...

1. Avoid getting Married or Engaged to a member of the opposite sex
2. Get Reiki (recommended by Redboy) or even better Acupuncture
3. Get Laser Treatment to correct my bespeckled face to normalcy
4. Get a Tattoo (larger than a dot the size of a full-stop)
5. Continually attend the Dance Lessons I have enrolled on (excluding the one-off lesson I have taken)
6. Be Healthy & eat 5 Fruit/Veg each Day (fruit flavoured ice lollies do not count as a portion)
7. Learn Sign Language (I can sign a few words and my name!)
8. Move from speaking Pigeon-Spanish to proper Spanish
9. Write a letter to someone to be opened when I'm dead (is this a touch morbid?)
10. See a Psychic/Medium to get a reading into my future (my friend Julie did this)
11. Learn to spell 'psychic' without using a spellchecker or dictionary
12. Gain some weight (look less Smurf more buff) - I'd say visit a gym but I know this will never happen
13. Pay more than the installments for my Student Loan (so I can pay if off before retirement)
14. Go watch Lion King at Theatre
15. Avoid getting involved with a complete loser
16. Write a poem
17. Tell new people I meet I'm gay
18. Attend a gay pride event
19. Find an appropriate job in the world of Audit/Forensic Accountancy - by leaving the comforts of my current job
20. Pass all my ACCA (accountancy) exams
21. Keep in touch with the friends I promised I'd keep in touch with
22. Go cruising (on a boat not in Hamstead Heath)
23. Go see Equus and see harry Potter's willy
24. Take at least 3 short oversea holidays this year
25. Get a professional photoshoot photo done

That's all I can think of right now... I'll add as necessary... I'm not gonna be cliche and say get a boyfriend/laid - it goes without saying.

Mario Lopez in Nip/Tuck

Mario Lopez in Nip Tuck


Maybe I'm just quite young but I hope you know who Mario Lopez is.

He was AC Slater from Saved By The Bell, the fit one. Well here he is appearing on Nip/Tuck in the nuddy. Drool over his defined butt cheeks. Very nice...

Rantings of a person with too much time

It would appear that my prediction of World War 3 occurring in my lifetime has kind of come true... I am of course referring to Celebrity Big Brother of course.

It would also appear that everyone, including Gordon Brown, both the British & Indian Government, all tabloids and over 10 million people worldwide has had their say on Big Brother - except me... can't have that can we?

Well first and foremost... congratulations to Shilpa Shetty on winning (It would appear my vote paid off - 63% voted for her in comparison to Jermaine Jackson)

As an Indian (as an supposed person insulted or up-in-arms over Jade's racist comments) I just want to get something off my chest... I do not think that Jade's comments towards Shilpa were racist. I just think Jade is a loud mouth, someone who is rude, someone who doesn't think before she speaks primarily because has a brain about the size of a pea, but I DO NOT THINK JADE IS A RACIST. Danielle and Jo maybe to a certain degree have certain racial prejudices but Jade's mother (whatever her fucking name is) was a hardcore racist.

There I've had my say.